-
@Adira: it makes me so sad that LO(s) will likely not have a lot of close close cousins. DH only has one living brother and is divorced and his kids live far away from us. My brothers live 7 hours away so the chance of our LO(s) being super close to their cousins are slim.
-
@rattles: LOL... Well hopefully I already learned those values as 1 of 4 kids and as someone who grew up in a relatively resource poor environment. My parents sacrificed a ton for me and I sacrificed a TON to get where I am now. I paid my way through college, grad school, medical school and did many years of not going out at night to study and sometimes didn't have enough gas to put in my car so that I could buy books. I've had times when I've needed to help family members and they've had times when they've needed to help me.
I don't know that I could have gotten the same exposure to sacrifice without the environment that I was raised in, but I'm still conflicted as to whether that was what pushed me to succeed despite the odds or whether it was just something inherent to my personality.
-
@Adira: @regberadaisy: On the cousins, LO has none and I don't know if she ever will
My sister is 33 and not dating and thinks kids aren't in her future The person most likely to have a child is my brother who I can see being a deadbeat date (I know that's horrible but that's how he acts). If she had cousins close in age I might not feel so bad about not having another child.
-
I'm an only. I have NEVER wanted a sibling. I do not understand why people get so worked up about people deciding to only have one kid. You would not believe the incredibly rude things people have said to me over the years about my parents' choice to only have me. It's insane that it's acceptable to assume only children are "spoiled and selfish"- what if people said "it's spoiled and selfish to have more than one kid since we're overpopulating the planet?"
This woman wrote an Op-Ed in the NYT this past weekend which was less about her and more about search, and was more well written (I thought) than her Slate piece:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html
-
@Mrs. Jacks: I am lazy by nature. Without seeing all that my parents AND siblings sacrificed for my future I likely would not have pushed as hard.
-
@mediagirl: @MsLipGloss: Perhaps my words were a bit extreme when i said the "same" sacrifices. As i mentioned in my response to @Mrs. Jacks, my comments were more in relation to @regberadaisy's comment. It was not directing it at parents who decide to have one child. I am on a conference call so i will write more later!!
-
@regberadaisy: I am not lazy by nature. I work my butt off every single day. I've gotten pretty far, but if anything I work harder now than I did in the beginning... so I'm not sure (and can't say definitively) that my parents' and my sacrifices led to the outcome.
-
@Freckles: Look at you multitasking!
-
All I can say about siblings is that I have 6 of them, and of those 6 I only speak to 1 regularly. One of them told me I was going to hell on my wedding day. I don't speak to him at all.
Sibling(s) =/= Lifetime friend(s).
(On the flip side, despite a very rocky childhood DH is now close with his brothers, so while me and my siblings may be an exception his certainly isn't the rule.)
So I leave the argument about wanting my kid to have a friend out of the conversation, because it's really not a guarantee.
We're still on the fence about whether we're one and done. On the one hand: I want to be optimistic and believe that my kids would (eventually) get along. I want to know that they'll (hopefully) have each other to turn to when we die. And I want another baby. I feel like there'd be something missing.
On the other hand: We can give E a good life. With just one we can have more of everything to give. We can send him to a good school, we can buy him a car, we can help him go to college, and I'm not sure those are things we could give to multiple children. Those material things may seem needless to some (and something I wrestle with when I consider a second child), but as one of 7 with parents who couldn't afford to give me that it is something I want to be able to give E.
It's important to me to give him a better, an EASIER life than I had, and I'm not positive I can do for two. Not with the job DH has (which is wonderful but not highly-paid).
ETA: I do realize that having to work for those himself might be better for him, but college is expensive and I don't want him to have to go into debt to pay for it or cross my fingers and hope that he gets a scholarship.
-
@Mrs. Jacks: Totally with you - just sub law school for med school!
I think at the end of the day, we all make the best decisions we can based on our own experiences and judgment. I'd love a big family, but I have no idea if I'd feel that way if I didn't come from a big family I love. I only have one kid now, and while I'd still love a big family in theory, I do think about how much harder it would be to balance that dream with resources and professional goals. I don't know how well it would go over to take 4 maternity leaves and then try to pay for four day care bills, never mind college/weddings/etc.
I think it's responsible to think about how we can provide for the family we do have now, emotionally and financially, as we contemplate adding to it. I don't doubt anyone who does that, whether they come out as one-and-done or Duggar-style-twenty. But personally, I have a lot of faith that if I'm doing my best to act responsibly and prayerfully, God will provide. And hopefully that means 3-4 with a nice house and schools, ha.
-
@looch: I feel similarly regarding breaking points. I feel like I am just starting to recover from having LO (now that she is through her surgery and is starting to sleep at night!), and the thought of adding another child makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. When I look at LO, my heart says *have 10 more--she is so amazing and wonderful!* but my mind and my body are saying *dude. seriously. we haven't even begun to recover! be grateful we gave you this one!*
-
@rattles: I couldn't agree with your statement more.
Because for a while we had decided to be one and done, I totally get that point of view, and don't see it as selfish. Quite the contrary, I see it almost as a sacrifice to the environment and betterment of the planet. Think about it, 2 of you going into the family and leaving only 1 behind. That is a sacrifice!
On the other hand, I see the joy and love that my girls share. I'd never want to deprive either of them of that. We adopted, so we're still leaving a small genetic/environmental impact, but have a family filled with activity and love. And we wanted to make sure that both our girls could get the education that they will need to succeed without having to struggle mightily (and potentially fail) to get it.
I don't want them to have a sense of entitlement or that things are most important, but I also don't see sacrificing my way into a family of 4 or more just so that they can know the lack of material things
-
My husband and I are both only children.
I didn't mind being an only child growing up. I received a lot of attention from my parents and was able to participate in any extracurricular activity I wanted, including very expensive ballet. But, I felt a lot of pressure in high school regarding grades and performance in athletic/extracurricular activities and that I had to be "the best" at everything since I was my parents' only hope (e.g. I couldn't be the f-up of the family because there was no one to fall back on). But that just may be my type-A personality...
However, as an adult I have a little different perspective. Seeing my parents (both of which have several siblings) dealing with the declining health of their parents has forced me to think about my own parents (and my in-laws) future needs. As I said, both my husband and I are only children so therefore we are solely responsible for our parents' care later in life. That means we don't have anyone else to help us with their care -- whether it be financial or just the moral support of discussing important family decisions.
At the same time I feel like my husband and I have a deeper relationship because we not only are spouses, but have to lean on each other for family support.
But on the flip side, we don't have to deal with all.that.family.drama that each of our parents has to deal with (uncles not speaking to each other, inheritance disputes, etc).
No choice is "right" and each one has their pros and cons. Just my experience and two cents.
(And we have decided that we want *at least* two children, but I guess we'll see how we feel once we start having children).
-
We're one and done, which seems to be a decision deemed "selfish" second only to the "selfish" decision to not have children at all; which frankly blows my mind.
I don't subscribe to the idea that if my LO longs for a sibling I should give her one. If you're contemplating having another child to make your current one happy, isn't that the apex of spoiling?
My husband is an only and never wanted a sibling. I have 1 brother and we're not especially close and we fought like cats and dogs growing up; we get together and love each other, but we are not close friends. I don't think only children necessarily are more materialistic; some people are materialistic whether they grew up with billionaire parents or dirt poor. Some people have better work ethics than others, some are more giving than others.
At the end of the day, I just don't have any desire (yet! ever?) to have another child. I felt completely fulfilled without children, which I know some people don't feel. I feel completely fulfilled with 1 child, and no matter how much my LO might long for a siblings some days in the future, she isn't the one who makes a lifetime commitment to that new person - I am, and my husband is. And that's not a lifetime commitment that we want to make to anyone outside of each other and our LO.
-
@yoursilverlining: Well-said!
-
@yoursilverlining: I like how you described this. @NorCalWayfarer: yeah, my Dh and I both have siblings but we are the 'responsible' ones so that falls on us anyway, but I certainly see the point to having that option of support from others!
-
@MsLipGloss: Yes, parents of our generation will be willing to make sacrifices, but i'm not sure if it's to the same extent. I have friends who are unwilling to make personal sacrifices (in terms of material goods) even though they don't have the financial means to continue their lifestyle as well as provide their children with expensive education, programs, clothing, toys. This may be a generalization, but we are a generation of "i want it now". My parents didn't buy clothes for years, or bought the cheapest things so that my sister and i could have things. I'm not sure if i would be willing to make that sacrifice. Anyways, i am definitely going waaaay off the original post but we can discuss off this board.
@mediagirl: as i mentioned in my earlier comment, i think it's responsible if you realize that you're in a situation where you just would not be able to afford 2.
@Mrs. Jacks: I forgot that i was facilitating the conference call! @rattles said it better than i could have. Seeing my parents make all of these sacrifices really deepened my respect for them and appreciate the things i received. I didn't pout because i couldn't get new things. DH and i always talk about generational decline, and discuss how we'll be able to instill the same values our parents passed on to us with respect to hard work and sacrifice. I think it's still possible even if you yourself don't have to make sacrifices. Most of DH's grad school friends come from affluent non-immigrant families but are extremely hard working and do not act entitled. Even though your question was a bit off-topic, it's still an interesting one!
-
@yoursilverlining: I wish there was a like button because I completely agree.
-
@yoursilverlining: I couldn't agree more.
-
@yoursilverlining: I totally agree with you. Being an only child doesn't make you "spoiled" -- the way you were raised and the expectations instilled in you are what makes you "spoiled" IMHO.
I don't consider myself spoiled -- my parents always instilled a sense of gratitude for everything. My husband is far from spoiled and was raised in a very modest household. However, I know very spoiled sisters who were raised to always *expect* gifts (e.g diamond rings for Christmas as teens, no joke). To them things = love. They have had a terrible time with relationships and expect bfs to buy them things and get mad when they don't receive expensive presents...
-
@babyjmama: It's interesting that you worry about being a SAHM because I worry about the opposite. I worry about being able to afford to work if I have a big family.
With only one, it'd be better financially if I worked and paid the daycare bill. If we had a few in close proximity that all needed to be in school though, then I think the financially smart move would be to shift to at home. I struggle because some of the benefits of a big family (in my mind) are stronger when they're close in age. It seems like the more kids I had, the more I would feel obligated to stay home and the fewer, the more I'd feel obligated to work. (Full disclosure - I have one and am home now, so I obviously don't make family decisions based on that.)
-
@looch: Your son might have plenty of cousins, but his children won't if he's an only child! Not that that's a reason to have more kids or anything - just something I think about sometimes! And some of my cousins suck too, so I hear you on that!
@regberadaisy: I actually don't have very many cousins I'm close to either, even though I have 25 first cousins! My parents moved away from their family when we were little, so I'm actually only really close with one of my cousins. BUT I couldn't imagine not having them, and it's always fun to get together with the rest when we do family get-togethers!
-
Meh, happiness is overrated.
In all actuality, obviously we make choices based on our own unique situations and subjective views of what might make us happy. I have no issue with anyone's personal decisions on how many children to have (or not have) but I agree that the article comes off as somewhat defensive. I think it has to do with the idea the article promotes that 1 child families are better/happier/more fulfilling/etc... than 2+ child families? Even the tagline "A smaller family means all of the joy, less of the crap," implies that parents who choose to add more than one child to their family are also adding more work and unhappiness without gaining much of value in return (the only positive the author mentions about a multiple child household is seeing the children interact). I have no issue with people choosing to have one, or four, or zero children, but c'mon, our choices are all equal and valid. It's not fair to say "I made this choice and here's why you should choose the same," regardless of which side you're on.
-
@Adira: Only if he marries an only child, though, right?
I had to just stop and count my first cousins (my mom is one of three, my dad is one of four, and only one aunt had an only child). I have 13 first cousins.
-
@looch: Right, if he marries an only, his children will have 0 cousins. But even if his SO has one sibling, his kids probably won't have very many cousins. Not that having cousins is that big of a deal or anything, though I love some of mine!
-
My husband and I are in the "we're not sure" camp. I always said, let's see how the first one goes in response to people asking if we would have more kids. I'm an only child and he's the youngest of three. He used to want 2-3 kids but now his views are leaning towards one. For us it's more about giving her as many opportunities as possible. Which of course is not to say we couldn't do that with two children, it would just be harder. People always ask me if I missed having a sibling, but honestly, how can I answer that? I didn't have one so that's all I know. I wasn't sad or lonely, I had plenty of friends, etc. The subject of adding or not to our family is just something we'll have to think long and hard about.
-
@Adira: that's what happened to a friend of mine! Her parents were both only children and her only sibling is a brother with special needs. She married an only child too, so her kids aren't likely to have much extended family at all. Again, not enough justification to have them, just a possible outcome.
-
In the discussion of cousins, I have about 20the cousins...I don't speak to or see any of them. I think it's just such an individual situation to each family...maybe this post just didn't make any sense to post. Oops!
-
@mrs. wagon: Yes, exactly!
There isn't one right thing for everyone. And, the reasons why you make certain decisions for your family are no one else's business. I definitely want more than one, but I had a very happy, adventurous childhood with my brothers, and I ache to see Sadie with a brother of her own. Of course I know that only children are no worse off than those of us that have siblings, but one & done just doesn't seem right for our family.
-
I have one brother and one sister. I love em but we definitely fought a bunch growing up. That said, we have a ton of wonderful memories too and we share a unique perspective that I do not share with any of my friends. My sister is not my best friend but she is my sister, that relationship is just different.
I am hesitant to add number 2 anytime soon because NYC childcare costs are bananas and we only have a 2bdr apt, but I'll probably do it anyway.
I'll do it because I think my DD could really benefit from having a sib and DH and I both love having different personalities at family get togethers, we think it adds a lot of flavour to holidays etc.
There is an entire ocean between my family and me so DD will grow up so far away from her cousins. It is important for me to give her a sibling who I hope will foster a sense of community and teach her how to love someone even though they sometimes work your last nerve!
-
Not that long ago, I thought I was pregnant. Turned out I just caught a bug. But in the whirlwind of "what ifs" I found myself actually wanting another. We were seriously considering just one. But then the chapter about siblings in the parenting book I'm reading comes up. It pretty much states that studies show that interaction between siblings are very much different from friends. That how a child treats a friend will show how s/he treat a future sibling, not the other way around. That having and maintaining good friendships require a different type of interaction than that of a sibling ...
Fast forward to when I knew I wasn't pregnant. Disappointment only lasted a second before relief flowed over me! Our main reason was to give DD a playmate, but if she'll most likely have her own friends anyway, maybe the one and done camp is for us after all. It would be a thousand times easier.
So now, I'm back to just wanting to enjoy DD. We said we'd revisit the option in Feb, but whatever momentary baby fever I had has passed. A family of 3 is kind of nice as is
-
I think I'm a better person for having siblings. So I never was in the 'one and done' camp until LO. Then I realized how much she completed us and that I could have such a happy time with her as my only child. We still decided to have more and I'm pregnant with our second now and I def have some panicky times of how much harder it will be with two and I can see how it wouldn't be for everyone. But while I have some nervousness about adding to our family for us I'm glad we're adding siblings.
My sister is 33 and not dating and thinks kids aren't in her future 
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite1
71 comments