So I just got an e-mail from Hubs' grandparents. They miss Xander and want to see him again, so they've asked US to come visit THEM. They live over an hour away. Is that normal?? I feel like if they want to see us (and Xander), then they should come to us, not the other way around. Or am I just crazy?
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If it's his grandparents, maybe they don't travel well at their age? Are they comfortable driving for an hour? I don't think it's ridiculous and completely out of the norm to ask.
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I agree with you, but I also know this is how it's going to be with my family. As it is, I'm the one who comes to them 90% of the time and I don't see that changing much once baby arrives.
However, if they are your DH's grandparents, they must be pretty old? I decided my stance is that baby's grandparents should come to us, but great-grandparents get some leeway and we'll come to them. My own grandmother really doesn't travel and won't go more than a couple of hours from home, and DH's grandmother travels plenty, but she won't drive other than in her neighborhood because she thinks that's safer. I bet she will take a bus to see us, but I don't mind making the trip for the greatgrandparents.
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@PurplePumps: Well, the only other time they met Xander, they came to see us, so I don't think traveling is an issue for them. Especially since they are planning multiple weekends at their condo over the summer which is a 4 hour drive for them. So definitely the drive isn't the issue.
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@Foodnerd81: I certainly have nothing against making a trip to visit them if we already were going to (they always have a family get-together in the summer, plus we'll see them for Thanksgiving and Christmas), but making a special trip just so they can see Xander again... I don't know about that.
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Wow, if they have no problem making a 4 hour drive, then I guess I'd probably just tell them they are free to come visit whenever they want if they just give some notice to make sure we're free that day. I probably wouldn't want to make a special trip out either.
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As long as the driving isn't an issue for them (which is sounds like it isn't, per your comment) I think you're in-line to say you'd love for them to see him too, but traveling with an infant is tough for you so it may not be as soon as they'd like. But if they ever want to come visit your area, they are more than welcome! That way they know it's not an anti-them thing but more of a travel thing. I'd never expect someone with a baby to come to ME, but then again I'm not elderly!
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I wish people would inderstand that its easier for them to visit than the other way around. My parents guilt me all the time!
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Only had my grandmas alive when lo was born. We did all the going to them, but they were both old and sick. I'm glad we made the effort though, as they both passed away.
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If driving for them isn't a problem then Ido t see why they can't come to you. It is a lot of work to travel with a baby and I think some people forget that.
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i'm not the person to ask... i lived away from my hometown for 9 years, and the only time my dad came to visit me in those entire 9 years was for my wedding... otherwise it was always, "when you coming home again, you never come home"
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@PurplePumps: @kjpugs: That's a good idea - to say that they are welcome to visit US.
They also asked if we were attending one of the family get-togethers at their condo, 4 hours away! I want to laugh, haha. No way am I driving 4 hours (more like 5-6 with an infant) to visit people that actually live a lot closer!
@artbee: Definitely if they were sick or unable to travel, we would make special accommodations for them! I would want them to meet Xander before anything happened to them. But that's not the case here, thankfully.
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My mom does this to us sometimes. I usually just have to stick my ground and let her know she's welcome here any time.
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I think the other thing about the e-mail that's rubbing me the wrong way is that it starts like this:
"We want to see Xander! It's been way too long so want to set up a date..."
They want to see Xander. Apparently Hubs and I, they don't care about. No "We want to see you and Xander!" Just Xander. Am I being crazy?
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@Lindsay05: Yeah, DH's parents finally got the hint when our toddler terror (affectionately said) runs rampant in our house. At least our valuables are up out of reach/sight and if he breaks anything we can replace it. Not so at their house!
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@Adira: Well I think it is totally normal for them to ask to see Xander and not y'all. I know in my family DH and I chop liver, everyone wants to see R. I think that is normal when you have a baby. Not that they don't want to see you but the baby is the focus.
I would probably email back and say that we are open X weekend for yall to come and visit for the day.
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@Smurfette: I guess I find it offensive because MY family doesn't do that. Every time my parents e-mail to ask about Xander or to ask about a visit, they always say something like "How are you and Xander doing?" or "We miss seeing you all!" or something like that. They never just ask after Xander or just say they want to see him. Oh well. Glad to hear Hubs' family isn't the only one that's only interested in the baby! Though sorry you and your husband also also chop liver to the rest of the family!
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We go to visit my grandparents and parents (an hour away) once a month, but my grandparents are frail and don't travel well. With my parents we usually take turns going to each other's houses since neither of us are fans of the drive.
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Maybe they think it's more polite to ask you to their house, rather than invite themselves to your house?
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@runnerd: Ha-- me too--I've lived up here for over 5 years and the only time my dad came up was for the wedding, and that wasn't even in town, it was a an hour and change away.
@Adira: My mom will ask about me, but I think my dad will pretty much only be interested in the baby. He's already made comments about my sister and her son along the lines of why bother coming without the baby? Nice, right? He's joking mostly, but I know he'll care a lot more if the baby is there than not.
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We often get family members or friends just asking to see L. Honestly it doesn't really bother me but to be fair I don't know the full story with your husband's family.
In terms of a visit, since they are mobile I think you can definitely turn it around and tell them when they can come visit you.
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@Adira: I mean I know they are excited about seeing us but when we get to a family event, we get hugs and then it everyone fighting over who gets to hold R next.
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@MrsCB: That could be, though when they first visited to meet Xander, they asked to come to us, so I'm not sure if they now think it's rude or not. Maybe they offered to visit up before because Xander was still so young (under a month), but now that he's older, they think it's just as easy for us to visit them?
@Foodnerd81: I suspect Hubs' family would definitely feel the same way. Now that we have the baby, they seem a LOT more interested in seeing us than they ever were before, so clearly they only want to see the baby and not us. And my parents do want to see us more often than they used to, but not a TON more. If they want to see us outside of a normal visit, they come to us AND bring food.
@rsp213: Yeah, definitely a good idea - I'll just let them know which weekend we're free to have them come to us.
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@Smurfette: haha, that's how Hubs' family is too. It's "hug, now give us the baby!"
Actually... now that I'm thinking about it... I'm not sure I've been getting the hugs as much as I used to... now they just grab for the baby!
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@Smurfette: At my shower, I couldn't believe how many people went straight for my bump before even hugging me hello! I literally went in for a hug while people's hands went straight to the belly. I was like... um, I'm still attached to that, you know. (BUT these were at least people I was fine with touching the bump
)
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@Adira: this is my family. I live 45 minutes away and in the 10+ years I've lived here I can count how many times they've visited me on one hand.
When DS was born they wanted me to come out all the time, it was ridiculous. -
@rachiecakes: Yeah, I think the thing that maybe bugs me the most is that these people didn't care if they saw us before we had a baby, but now that we have one, it's like "Come see us!" I guess this is normal? My parents aren't like that though. We maybe see them a LITTLE more than we used to, but we still saw them a lot before having kids, and when they do invite us over, they're inviting my brother (who is kid-less) over as well, so it's a family get-together, not a "we want to see the baby" get-together.
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I don't think it's that weird. *shrug*
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How old are they?
My dad is older and now we visit him. It's two days of travel but he appreciates it since otherwise he wouldn't see the kids!
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@mrbee: The grandfather just turned 80 and the grandmother is in her 60s. But they are both very healthy and active. The go sailing in the summer and skiing in the winter. And they have a condo 4 hours from their home. So they can travel just fine and don't need people to come to them.
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@Adira: wow skiing at 80?? Dang.
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@Adira: aw, I misread your post - I was talking about my parents.
My grandfather just passed away a week ago. He was my last grandparent and DS's only great. He was 90 & didn't visit us, but we did get to see him quite a bit. I'm glad we did. -
Hmm yes I think they are being cute in their invite to you.
they probably (in their generation) think it would be weird to impose on you. -
While I get what you're saying, and I would probably feel the same...my current thought is "it's only an hour..."
I mean, I drive 45 minutes across the city to take my kids for a morning at the science centre...a once-in-a-while visit with the great grands seems well worth the time to me!
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@mrbee: Yes! They are very healthy!
@woodentulip: I get what you are saying and I think if Xander was older, it would probably be just as easy for us to go.to them. But currently we would have to time every thing around when he eats and we would need to make sure we were home in time to start his bedtime routine, so it's kind of a pain.
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I really think people underestimate how much effort it takes to travel with a LO. I tell everyone that memories are kind when they start in about how [insert any parenting task] was so easy.
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@Adira: Ahhhh how quickly I forget...my kids are older now (3.5 and 15 months) so I have totally blocked out the need to schedule everything! And I am a SAHM with all the time in the world to fill
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totally agree with @kjpugs! I don't see how they could argue with that, or be offended!
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@NaturallyCathy: Exactly. Its soo much fun following a toddler around making sure they dont smash an old family heirloom.
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Didn't read the above comments.... but was just thinking the level of normalcy highly depend on the way they asked you, and also depends on how old is your baby (is he a good baby who can nap anywhere, or if he's one of those that requires tons of planning to even do an hour of outing). 1+ hour away is borderline OK. At least you didn't need to take a plane trip to go there...
Normal:
"Adira we really miss Xander! Have you guys got any plans for the July 4 weekend? I hope not! Do you guys want to come over on the July 4 weekend, and we'll spend the holiday weekend together? xoxo"Abnormal:
"We miss our grandson. Please come here this Saturday."
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65 comments