I am the third lady in my local circle of friends to have a baby. When the other ladies were pregnant we all made a big deal of celebrating and made her feel special. Now it is my turn! I am due this summer and my friends are throwing a shower for me next month. However, I just found out that one of the ladies is due with her second baby this fall. I feel jealous that I won't get the spotlight! She already had her turn, and now I feel like she's stealing my thunder. I am very excited that she is having another baby and they will only be 3 months apart, and they can play, but I guess I just wanted my turn to shine.
Does anyone else feel this way with their friends? Am I crazy?
grapefruit / 4321 posts
Unless they are making your shower a joint shower I don't really see how you are sharing anything. 9 months is a long time to expect that no one else around you will be pregnant so everyone can focus on you.
I am always excited to find out when I will be sharing my pregnancy with a friend or family member. I'm pregnant with my second and just found out my brother's wife is due with her second three days before me. We are so excited!
pomegranate / 3003 posts
I don't really see a woman's first pregnancy as "having her turn". It's not always a one-time thing; lots of people go on to have multiple children. Your friend has just decided to have another baby, plain and simple. I'm sure your pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with her timing, nor is it an attempt to steal anything from your experience. Pregnancy is a super exciting time, but it's really just not going to be the main focus of everyone's lives.
I'd center on the positive: your friends are graciously throwing you a shower and your child will have a playmate, close in age. One of my good friends was due a few weeks before me, and we had a great time sharing the experience. Believe me, it's nice to have someone around who wants to sip virgin margaritas and talk about babies, for hours.
nectarine / 2641 posts
Three of my closest mommy friends were all pregnant before/with me (our first little ones are all around the same age, but we didn't get close until we had children). In fact, I was pregnant third, lost the pregnancy, and then the last of my friends got pregnant, so that now I am the only one pregnant while all of my wonderful friends have their little ones. We all made a concerted effort to celebrate each pregnancy/friend.
I echo previous posters in encouraging you to focus on the positive: a future playmate, good friends, and a healthy pregnancy!
squash / 13764 posts
I doubt that you'll have to have a joint celebration with her, if that's what you're worried about? And honestly even if you did, I think it's fun to share in these experiences with friends! You will definitely appreciate having a friend due soon after you.
grapefruit / 4066 posts
You really can't expect people to not proceed with their own family plans for 9 months as to not steal your thunder. I would love it if some of my friends got pregnant- the benefits outway any negatives!
pear / 1788 posts
Don't get me.wrong, I am thrilled about her new baby! And I know she didn't do this on purpose to be mean! and we aren't sharing a shower.
I guess it's just that my friends were each the only pregnant one at a time, and I'm not? I dunno. It just makes me feel less special.
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: I think you have to remember that getting pregnant isn't usually planned. It just happens. What happened to you was just how life is. Your pregnancy is still special. I think you should embrace that fact that you have friends that can celebrate being pregnant together. Just think, you'll have so many close friends to sympathize over pregnancy symptoms. They won't be first time moms, so they'll probably have some great advice for you. Think of it that way.
eggplant / 11824 posts
The only person who can let someone else's pregnancy take away from your own is you, so yes, I think you're being a little crazy. Would you have felt more special to be the first friend to get pregnant? Each pregnancy is special, and are celebrations, not competitions.
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
I am always excited when friends are pregnant around the same time as me. I had a good friend due the day before me for LO 1, my SIL was due 5 weeks before LO 2 and right now I share an EDD with a friend who is also expecting her third LO!
cantaloupe / 6634 posts
Honestly, I am thrilled that my best friend is having her baby two months after me. Why does there have to be spotlight to be stolen? The more the merrier!
Also, after my losses, nothing can take away my joy. It's not about a spotlight.
grapefruit / 4997 posts
I think sharing a pregnancy with a friend (applies to cousins or sisters too) is so special. Your kid will have a friend around the same age, have so much fun together, basically have someone to grow up together if the parents are super close. Your spotlight is not being stolen so don't look at it that way. It's still your first pregnancy so people will always be super happy for you. There is just something special about the firstborn that is so exciting! I think of it as being kind of lonely if you are the only one pregnant in your circle of friends. I think you're pretty lucky to have such good friends wanting to celebrate in your pregnancy.
grapefruit / 4455 posts
From the outside perspective, I wouldn't be any less excited for a friend's baby because another friend got pregnant. One of my cousins gave birth to her daughter six months after I had mine, and it has been awesome even though they live far away. We can bounce ideas off of each other, etc. I'd love to have someone who lived closer to us in the same boat as me. I don't think it's *you*, I think our world has made babies into this wedding-like thing where it's about all this cutesy stuff, but the real stuff that matters- having people who will be there to love you and your lo- won't change! Hope that helps.
pomelo / 5607 posts
I guess I'll be the lone voice that agrees with you? I'd be a little sad. Not in a way that would effect my behavior, and I'd totally be overall thrilled. But yes, I would be a bit disappointed. Last time my cousin had an "I didn't know I was pregnant baby" (born 4 weeks after she found out) right in the middle of my pregnancy, and it bothered me that it seemed like she sort of stole my thunder since she found out after I announced but had her baby first! And her's was definitely more dramatic (well, sort of. We wound up with just as crazy a story, just not in a good way). This time her brother's girlfriend (so my cousin's girlfriend) is pregnant and due 6 weeks after me. Again, a bit disappointed it's not just me. Though in this case I'm worried about my family expecting us to have them over to see the baby ALL the time, so I'm kind of glad that she can maybe distract them.
But all that to say that I think what you're feeling is totally normal, totally okay, and as long as you don't make her feel bad or something, it's fine! And I'm sorry you're a bit disappointed about the situation.
blogger / coconut / 8306 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: my husband and I tried o et pregnant for three years before we had a successful pregnancy with our oldest daughter. The same year I was pregnant, his younger brother announced his engagement (and wedding date) to his girlfriend.
The bride-to-be was quite jealous that I was pregnant and asked me to hide my belly at their wedding. They didn't want children, and saw their college graduation and wedding at their only major life celebrations - and our pregnancy was stealing their wedding day thunder.
I tell you this story because I was baffled then, and I am baffled now. I responded to them by saying no one cares as much about your pregnancy as you do, and no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. They're both exciting, major events in your life... but you're likely not the only person to experience these events, and you certainly won't be the last. Just as my pregnancy was thrilling to me, their wedding was thrilling to them; and I can promise you no one gave my 28-week belly a second glance at their ceremony or reception.
No one is stealing your metaphorical thunder. You aren't entitled to nine months of being the only pregnant person in your circle, and your pregnant isn't any less special because someone you know happens to be pregnant at the same time.
pear / 1788 posts
I guess I'm not expressing my feelings right... I'm not mad at her at all!!!
The more I think about it the better I feel. I AM excited that we will have babies close in age, as we spend time together every week and can play. And I am so happy that she is pregnant in general. Having a friend pregnant is ALWAYS a happy thing!!!
Maybe its because this is my first pregnancy, maybe its the hormones, who knows. I just have a disappointed, bummed out, let down kind of feeling about it all. NOT DIRECTED AT HER, just a general feeling, and I don't really know why. I plan to keep focus on the positive and enjoy my last three months of pregnancy!
grapefruit / 4455 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: Sounds like the experience is just a little anticlimactic in a way? And maybe it's more of a feeling like you one by one participated and got excited for them, and now that they all have kids already, and you have to "share" your pregnancy, it doesn't quite feel reciprocal? I could understand that. It didn't happen to me, but I could see that maybe just feeling "off." Maybe if you give it time it will pass, especially as you start to get ready for your shower!
bananas / 9229 posts
I'm on my phone but I wish I could send you an old post of mine (I don't think I deleted it?). I found out my SIL got pregnant on her honeymoon to someone she had only known six months. Everyone knew but DH and I. And, at the same time, no one yet knew that I was pregnant. Our due dates are two days apart. My emotions were a mess initially and it was hard for me to be happy for her. Now, although some things still suck in a way (she's close in distance to family and were not, for example), it's been nice to have someone to go through it all with!
pear / 1788 posts
@Torchwood: @2littlepumpkins: @LindsayInNY: I'm glad somebody gets it! It really is just an anticlimactic feeling, feeling "off".
I know I'll get over it, and all will be well once this initial bummed out feeling passes. I guess I feel bad that I am feeling this way.
clementine / 903 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: I'm also going to agree with you! All my friends got their own time, and now that I am the last, I get a little irrationally sad when someone is due with their second or third right around "my time". Dumb? Maybe. But I can't help that it bums me out despite the fact that I am happy for them. They all got their time, and my pregnancy is more forgotten despite the fact that they are overall supportive.
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
I didn't say it in my first post but having infertility for the past 3 years, I totally get having jealous tendencies that can happen at anytime. I get it.
But for me, I had to get over that friends and family were going to get pregnant with the first or 9th child and that there was nothing I could do about it. The universe just dealt me a bad deck of cards. Yeah, I cried, got pissed, and avoided certain friends.
Now that I am pregnant, all I care about is being pregnant. Perfect timelines don't apply to me. Most of my family and friends have 2-3 kids now. I can't tell them to stop TTC. I can't freeze time or go back in time.
I do try to keep my head level by remembering all of my friends that are still waiting for their miracle baby. Some friends have been waiting 5+ years. I think of them often. My 3 year journey was hard but I know their journey has been even harder.
Anyway, what I would tell my jealous past is to vent and scream all you want. Have your own little pity party. Don't hold back the tears. Have a good cry. Eventually you'll come out of it and it will be a new (better) day.
clementine / 903 posts
@2littlepumpkins: you described the "off" feeling I have about it perfectly!
nectarine / 2152 posts
I understand how you feel and applaud your sense of awareness in recognizing that it's not entirely rational or warranted. Feelings are feelings and what's important is how you deal with them.
I think others have pointed out the important things, that being pregnant is really just a blip in your life radar whereas having a child is a much longer commitment (LOL) so having a friend who will have a child so close in age to yours is awesome!
I've had irrational jealous reactions about things, not pregnancy-related but other silly things (like being a bridesmaid, which I have never been!) so I get it. I think what's important is that you acknowledge how you feel, figure out a few ways to deal with it, and then move on.
Congrats on your pregnancy, btw!
pomelo / 5041 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: I understand what you mean. After my struggle getting pregnant, one of my good friends and coworkers got pregnant 2 months before I did. What this meant at work was that everyone talked about her pregnancy most, because she was due first. It felt like I didn't get the usual "pregnant attention" and I was jealous. Looking back now it was stupid and I really loved sharing my pregnancy with her (and our kids' lives now). Subsequently we did the same thing again (her pregnant 6 weeks before me) but this time I got most of the attention because I was pregnant with twins.
I say all of this to explain that your feelings are normal but that I think choosing to see the positives vs the negatives of the situation is a much better idea. You'll still get that first mom experience/attention you're craving (even if it happens more from family and friends than coworkers).
grapefruit / 4418 posts
I'm going to chalk this one up to pregnancy hormones. At least I hope. No one needs to put their life on hold so you can be the only one pregnant. I wish I had friends that were having babies around the same time as me!
clementine / 903 posts
@catomd00: I don't think she was suggesting anyone put their life on hold. I think sometimes depending on your personal situation and friend dynamics it can be a little deflating for reasons others have listed. But it doesn't mean anyone expects others to put their life on hold or isn't happy for the person, etc.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
I was so excited for dear friends who were pregnant at the same time as me. It meant that someone could commiserate, which was awesome!
papaya / 10343 posts
I would be so pumped if I was you. Mom friends with kids the same age are worth their weight in gold! I had no local friends due around me. Now I have 2 local friends who just had babies and even though they are a year younger almost its so awesome to have local mom friends! I can't wait until our kids are old enough the age difference doesn't matter so much.
pineapple / 12053 posts
Yeah, I would totally focus on the positives! The year my daughter was born, 4 of my BFFs also had kiddos! My friend and I announced to the group on the same day! Everyone was crying and so excited. I've loved having them right on my heels to send texts and say, is this crazy or normal?! And they are right there with me. The second time around, 2 of us are pregnant at the same time again and it's fun to compare and contrast. I get where you're coming from, but there is so much good and fun with having someone else to be in the trenches with!
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
@Mae: THIS!!! Plus nobody will really gab pregnancy talk with you as much as another pregnant woman. You can go back and forth about everything! A friend of mine is due a couple months after me and it has been WAY better "sharing" it with her than going solo, because it's so nice to have someone to talk to about everything who's right there with you
pomegranate / 3595 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: I just wanted to chime in and say that I get it! When I was pregnant with LO#1, I was really excited, and then I found out that my SIL was pregnant with her third (and practically had the same due date) and another of DH's cousins was also pregnant and due a few weeks later. I had the feeling that it was not as "special" and I just tried to work through that and move on.
I think it is okay to acknowledge how you feel and give yourself some grace about it, and eventually appreciate all the positives of this situation that others have pointed out. In our case, I still felt like the center of attention at my shower even though the other two pregnant gals were there and having kids so close together has given SIL and I more to talk about (we are not very close). If she were a friend prior to pregnancy, I think it would be much better.
cantaloupe / 6920 posts
Seriously? I was pregnant at the same time as all my sister in laws and my sister. It was the best. We could all share pregnancy woes, and now that all the babies are here, we give eachother and ask for advice. and our babies have built in friends. You will end up loving it and loving that your baby has friends close in age.
I'm including a photo of all the 5 babies born in my fam this year because it's cute. Trust me, sharing pregnancy is a good thing.
clementine / 903 posts
persimmon / 1420 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: I get it. Yeah, it's irrational, but I still get it. After 2 years of infertility, 3 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, I found out a friend of mine had gotten pregnant 1st try and was due 3 weeks after me. I was annoyed. It was totally not cool and I refused to tell anyone except DH, but I still felt that way.
coconut / 8498 posts
@anonysquire: This looks like a mini version of my closest friend group's kids! Except picture that many 2/3 year olds and then just as many babies.
Being pregnant with friends is awesome. And it's so nice once the baby actually comes because you're all working on a similar schedule. I agree with whoever said that no one cares about your pregnancy as much as you do.
clementine / 770 posts
3 of my good friends are pregnant and due around the time my baby turns 1. I'm actually jealous they all get to share their pregnancy and mat leaves together! I would have loved friends to commiserate with.
honeydew / 7235 posts
@anonysquire: omg adorable!! How fun.
honeydew / 7235 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: I do get it. But you will love having babies at the same time!!
squash / 13208 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: yep I totally get it!!!
I tried to get preg for 2 years and then when we announced my sister also announced baby #4 - I was feeling pretty ugh about the whole thing. This was MY time for once and now I had to share it =(
After a few weeks I got over it and LOVED being pregnant at the same time - we were due 2 weeks apart and it was so fun to do this together. My DS came early so the kids are 5 weeks apart but we refer to them as the "twins" -
pear / 1558 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: I get it. You feel how you feel. Even if brief, I had a few moments when others announced that I felt like their news overshadowed mine. It didn't last long, I may have only once complained to DH about the couple who'd JUST gotten married & are due right after us, but over all I've just relished the fact that I'm pregnant. And I should add that I DID have to share 2 different showers at 2 different places, but even that turned into a positive because I was taken aback by peoples' generosity. You will cycle through many different emotions, maybe they won't all be "pretty", but as long as you move through it, I wouldn't feel bad about this being one of many emotions you feel during your pregnancy.