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I didn't vote because you didn't have "I wouldn't let anyone live with us" as an option. We *might* help someone out financially in very extreme circumstances, though I know we're lucky that we can afford for that to be an option. But our house isn't big enough for a houseguest, and neither of us has the patience.
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First off thank you everyone for commenting! It's nice to not feel alone about my feelings.
@AprilFool: Thanks for the comment!
@Mrs. High Heels: Wow that's so long but I definitely see the benefit of your in laws helping! My mother is also living with us for a little bit to help with the new born. So we can kind of reason out why she's there but brother in law doesn't help out at all! He doesn't even clean the dishes he uses or buy any food even though he's eating a ton. Boo! Thanks for the comment though!
@sunny: Thank you for the comment! I know being bra-less is so nice! Yeah definitely can't do that with the brother in law possibility popping up any time.
@Bubbles: Oh so sorry about that! My BIL also criticizes me! He does in a joking way.... but it's still kind of mean. He comments about how we parent badly... how badly LOs are (they are kids... they are going to cry and have tantrums now and then)... even how I cook and my mannerisms. It's bad. I really fed up. Thank you for relating! It feels good that I'm not alone.
I have told my DH about the criticizing and he says oh he's just joking that's just how he is... which kind of upsets me even more.
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@lamariniere: Thank you for the comment! I'm totally a private person too. I lived alone before I married because I realized in college I couldn't do roommates.
@Ree723: Thank you so much! I love reading your comment because you said everything I want to say but I'm just too weak to say it! Thank you so much for validating my feelings.
@SugarplumsMom: Thank you! Yes I feel like he has means to live on his own especially since he goes on vacations. He has been gone for a week every other month or so on some sort of vacation.
@anonysquire: Haha! I should have put one for “never”. Sorry!
@ElbieKay: Thanks! We didn't invite him to stay... when he broke up with his g/f it was rather sudden... He actually move the area so he could be with her since she was going to school here. So when he asked if he could sleep over on like a Thursday night we said sure and over the weekend he told us what happened. I guess it was very sudden and we didn't have time to think about it.
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You have been plennnnttyy generous! Honestly, I don't understand people. If I realized I was overstaying my welcome at someones house I would be out of there ASAP not stay another 6 months... But I avoid awkward situations.. I guess some people thrive in it! Good luck, hope he vacates soon.
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@mrs.shinerbock: That was super nice of you! Your sister also sounds super nice. My BIL eats all our food and doesn't do the dishes which is kind of annoying. He also has the opposite schedule as us because he works night shift at a restaurant but he only works M-Th which means he's around for Fridays and weekends. We stop inviting him to eat out with us on weekends because he would order like 2 extra items and never offer to pay for his share. He just expected us to pay for him EVERY TIME. Sorry to vent! Thank you for your comment. Your family sounds super awesome!
@pui: That's a good rule! We are going to do that from now on. Thank you!
@Kimberlybee: @Amelieisme: @ShootingStar: @hellobeeboston: @jhd: Thank you for the comment!
@HabesBabe: Wow I'm impressed you said forever (given the right situation). My mom is like you so when I talk to her about this issue she doesn't really think BIL is a problem. Thank you for your comment though!
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@psw27: Yes! If it was like a parent... I would have more reasoning to let them stay because you know they raised us and took care of us… so I would think at the very least that it was our turn (being from an Asian culture) which I would be fine with. But a sibling I am having a tough time reasoning why he's still here!! Thank you for the comment.
@jetsa: Wow I'm totally there with you!! Thank you so much for your comment! I'm glad I'm not alone. I actually didn't think I would mind him living here but yeah I'm super fed up right now. Thank you again!
@NCSUchick27: Oh yeah if there was a hard timeline that would be so much better! Thank you for your comment.
@.twist.: @kgbee: @daniellemybelle: @Torchwood: Thank you for your comment!
@Mrs. Pickle: Thank you so much! I have been told that I need to set some house rule... write them down and give them to him. So it's good to hear that you are doing something similar!
@Mrs.Pinecone316: Thank you! Yes we thought asking him when he plans to move out and even telling him the sooner the better would sort of ring bells that he should get out ASAP.
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I just want to say thank you everyone for their comments again. It really helped me.
I'm seriously at the end of my rope.. like planning to pack my bags and move out till he's out of the house end of my rope. This is just how I am feeling. I'm actually not going to do that but I just wish he would move out already!
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I just want to say I feel your pain. My SIL and her 4 kids moved in four months ago and we are planning on letting them stay one more full year. She actually thought we were going to let them stay 2 more years and had the audacity to be surprised when we gave her one more year. I love them all but really need my space back. We are outnumbered in our own house. My daughter is 9 months old and sometimes I really resent how much it is infringing on my enjoyment of this time with her.
Hang in there. Stick to your hard date. You are being more than generous!
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@Raindrop: I just can't get over how he is living in your house, rent free (until a little while ago), not offering to pay for ANYTHING, not cleaning up after himself, not offering with any of the chores of the house and pretty much expects you to be his mother. And on top of that, he's CRITICIZING your cooking, parenting, etc? I'd go apesh*t on DH. You have been so patient through this, and I certainly wouldn't have been as patient.
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@beckysue: Thank you! I'm glad I'm not the only that somehow got themselves into a situation like this. I know now not to let it happen again but I'm stuck now and I can't figure out how to get out of it!
@2PeasinaPod: Thank you and yes! I will say I'm not totally awesome with this. I did have quite a big blow up with DH two months ago which is one of the main reason BIL is paying "rent". Seriously the amount he is giving us is so little, he can afford more but we don't want to give him any reason to not leave! DH says BIL is sarcastic to everyone and I shouldn't take his snarky comments seriously but his comments are mean even masked in a joking way. I have decided that I'm just going to talk to BIL as little as possible. Thank you again for your comment.
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@Raindrop: You are so much more patient than me! I think if he made another criticizing comment, I wouldn't be able to hold in a snarky retort like, "at least I'm not sponging off of my brother and his family for the last year..." But I'm a very mean person!
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You're more than generous in my opinion. My mother is the one people come to live with for different reasons. I don't know how she does it. Her sister and BIL lived with them for 3 years in the pool house. Don't know how they could stand living in the pool house but to each their own. They got into serious trouble with the IRS. They took every dime in the paycheck from them. So really they had no other place to go or live. My mom would get fed up at times but then know that they would be homeless otherwise. They are now past the whole thing and bought a home last year so I know my mom feels good about being able to help them accomplish that. All her other house guests have been 1-2 months. Hang in there and hopefully he will surprise you one day and up and leave!
eta: I should say the pool house was a converted garage. With a bathroom and bed. Not very big or fancy -
@turkeylurkey: Thank you! That is such an interesting story about your mom.
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We've had live in guests before and our policy is always set up an expected move OUT date before they can move IN in the first place. It can always be updated if both parties agree later on, but this has worked out very well for us so far and avoided resentment.
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@Raindrop: Don't feel guilty about having to kick him out. You, your sanity, and your family come first always! I was brought up in a culture where you should always help family out and in theory it's beautiful IF everyone were kind and generous too. I no longer feel obligated to help just because we're family (except for parents, I think they are the only ones I could never turn away).
We helped out my BIL for so many years and he totally took advantage of our kindness. Looking back, I feel so stupid but at the time I felt sorry for his kids. We took in his 4 & 5 year olds after their mom left them while he traveled for work. (he's a welder and works off shore for weeks at a time). What was suppose to be a few months turned into almost 5 years!!!! He wanted for us to discipline the kids, be the strict guardians, while he flew in town every few weeks being the fun and doting father. They live with him now but the kids hate it. His temper is horrible and he's a rude and mean person. The kids ask us all the time if they can live with us again.
Both my DH and I use to have that same mind-set, to always open up our hearts and think the best of people. Now present day, I have no problems saying "F you, get out of my way bastard!"
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I posted something similar a little while back and was debating on having house guests for an extended time. My vote is 1-2 months. I feel like you have been more than generous!! If we had more space, and a separate bathroom for guests, maybe longer, but that's not the case.
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Yeah, I also need a never option! My mom's brother lived with us for a year when I was a kid and I HATED it. My brother and I made an agreement way back then (we were probably like 8 and 9) that neither of us was ever allowed to do that to the other one.
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Clearly you have been very generous and he has just taken advantage of your generosity. It doesnt sound like he will ever move out until you kick him out.. I wouldnt even give him 3 months i would say 1 week!
Unless we had talked about/planned it out first i would NEVER let a relative live with us for more than a week. We once kicked DH's cousin out after 2 nights because he refused to answer us when we asked what his plans were. We lived in nyc at the time and we knew it was his dream to move there, but he didnt have the money. He also showed up unannounced asking if he could crash "for the night"! It's like he thought we wouldnt care or that we would take him inforever because he was family.
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@Raindrop: I think with how frustrated you are, you need to give him notice right now. I'd give him until 8/1 since he's family. That should be enough time to find an apartment and to actually get into it. I'd also tell him no more mooching food and whatever else.
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It sounds like unless you have an end date he will never leave. If M minimized my feelings in this situation I would take him to counseling. I know he is your husbands brother but you are his wife and the mother to his child, your happiness comes first. IMO give him a month, it's time for you to feel comfortable in your own house again. Sorry that was just advice not actually answering the question.
We had a friend live with us for 5 months while her husband was in Australia for school, she did not want to live alone. She paid rent. It worked out just fine.
MIL was going to live with us but worked out her marriage instead. It was the right thing to do but it would have been tough.
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@DillonLion: @NovBaby1112: Thanks for the comment!
@Kimberlybee: I'm glad I'm not the only one that somehow got taken advantage of. I'm kicking myself everyday that I let this happened because I'm too nice and didn't set the right boundaries with him. Thank you for the comment!
@wonderstruck: Nice pack! I'm so glad my kids are young enough to maybe never remember this time their uncle stayed with us. One of my co-workers mentioned that having my brother criticizing me is not good for them to see their mom being hurt in that way so I really really hope the don't remember this time. Thank you for the comment!
@Modern Daisy: Thank you! We are definitely doing that from now on.
@ShootingStar: Yes! Thank you.
@youboots: Thanks for the advise.
Update: I am definitely at the end of my rope. After days of talking about this with my husband we have decided to ask him to leave by the end of this month. If whatever he is looking at for the end of this month falls through he still has to find something else. We don't care where he goes but he can't stay with us anymore! I'm actually so relieved that we are finally on the same page about his brother and that I might actually have my home back very soon. BIL is on vacation right now (he takes a vacation almost every month... even though he's away so often I still don't like him being here - also I understand that if he has money to go on vacations he has money to live on his own... that has not went over my head... so yes I know he clearly taking advantage of us.) and won't be back till monday so this isn't exactly set in stone because DH wants to talk to him in person about leaving at the end of the month.
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@Raindrop: Glad you have a plan!
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@Raindrop: Glad you and DH are on the same page and have a plan. Let us know how it goes!
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