Hellos Bees. I am in a really weird phase in my life. I am the happiest i have ever been because my son lights up my life BUT i am very disappointed in my husband. First off it was a chore to get him to get started on this baby thing. He is 5 years younger than me. I am 35 now and he is 30. When we first got together 4 years ago i was upfront with him. I told him i needed to be with someone who wanted the same things i did. Marriage, a family, a simple non extravagant life together. He got super on board. We chatted about having kids. I wanted 3. He said he wanted 2 and maybe we could see about a 3rd. After a year of going out and living together i had to remind him that if he plans to marry me then he doesn't have all the time in the world. He always wanted to marry me but he was a bit of a procrastinator. He finally proposed about 6 months after that. We were married a year later. Marriage agreed with us both very much and we loved it. Then the kid talk started. I explained to him that because of my age we didnt have all the time in the world. He kind of freaked out realizing we were not living in the city he wanted for a family (NYC) and he had to go back to Environmental science work from the bike shop job he had. I wanted him to experience working in the shop and enjoy some selfish pursuits for a while before we got to our family plans. He worked there for a year and a half and he loved it but was ready to move on. I also supported his hobbies like cycling. I never told him he couldnt have something. We have a road bike and a huge expensive mountain bike in our living room because he doesnt want them in the storage unit. He spends money on gear and goes on rides several times a week. he competes in races that charge a fee. I support all of this knowing that he supports my family dream. I just want us both to be happy.That said he was freaking out about my kids timetable. In the interim i decided to make my fertility a priority. I got some tests done. We had planned to start trying March of this year. The test showed i had Low AMH which means potential low egg reserve. I cried my eyes out when i got the news and he cried with me. He agreed we would try as soon as our honeymoon ended and he said we would then try for baby #2 right away after that if it all worked out. He said we would have Irish Twins. I felt scared but relived we could start soon. We went on our honeymoon last December. Hubby had me throw caution to the wind during one passionate night in my fertile window, well knowing it. We thought nothing of it because of my odds but we got pregnant with my amazing baby boy Tor.

During my pregnancy is when my hubby started to really disappoint me. We moved across the country and I had trouble finding a job while pregnant so I was at home. We had always planned for me to be a SAHM since what i could earn is the equivalent of what we might pay in childcare anyway, and its also a dream of mine. He was resentful though. He never even wanted to stay home. He just wants to not work at all and to play. He was a good birth partner but he made me feel like i was a burden all the time when i was pregnant. He never cared or valued my sacrifice but only thought of how it effected him. He hated how i tossed and turned and woke him up, how i snored from the congestion, how i was so slow and needed help all the time. I never got the foot or leg rubs you read about. He hardly ever talked to or touched my belly. He did get emotional in the ultrasounds but that was it. I felt sort of alone at many times. Then I had Tor and I thought it would get better but it was worse. He was not bonding like he thought he would. He helped a little at first but then he became withdrawn. He would just watch tv or play his video game. he would groan and get so angry when Tor cried of showed any discomfort. He wouldnt take photos of us without whining. He admitted to me he felt sad and knew it would change but he was just not connecting to Tor yet. Since he is a super light sleeper and very mean without sleep we arranged for him to sleep on the couch in the living room of our Apt. I stayed in the back bedroom with the newborn and lost sleep all by myself. We still do that for the most part even though Tor hardly cries because his stirring bothers my husband. He was also VERY jealous of him. He would use our cat saying he was the jealous one but sometimes he would even be so bold as to say that now i only Love Tor. It was obnoxious and awful!!!!

Tor is 12 weeks now and my husband adores him. He spends special time with him after work and on weekends. They laugh together and it makes me relieved, that part, He still doesnt really help. I do all the dirty work and cook and clean the house (not well enough for him though and he tells me often how i have all this free time and how it is my "job'). To be honest I was okay with all of this now that he loved his son. I was disappointed but i love my husband and I felt like i was willing to do the majority if it meant having my family and him happy. Not ideal but not the worst. That is till now. Now he basically said he wants only one baby. He said maybe he will change his mind but its just so hard and he is not sure he wants to make the necessary sacrifices. I AM SO OUTRAGED! he also tried to say its financial but meanwhile he is planning to buy 1000 zip wheels for his bike, do a 5 day stage race and several others in the summer (these are not free) plus buy all kinds of other things for his stupid bike! we spent 500 on a rack before the baby came so he could still do it all. I supported it saying we would cut costs other places and make it all work so we could all be happy but now he is putting this crap before our family plans!!! He says Tor should be enough. I love Tor so very much and he is enough if the universe doesnt plan to give us another baby but it should not be up to my husband. I am so distraught now. I feel like i hate him and will hate him forever for denying me the second baby. I even told him we would risk another fertile year and wait until Tor turns 2 (I will be 37) but he is still on his no to maybe kick! I offered to waitress or work part time. He still wont agree to what he ALREADY agreed to.

I want to drop it but i am not young and I feel so betrayed. He even said he promised me 2 so I would marry him. Like he never really wanted 2 even before this. I love him and he is a very loving person but i am so not IN LOVE with him right now. I cant believe how selfish he turned out to be. Such a big selfish baby. It seems like it comes down to priorities. I suggested counseling and he said we can't afford it. Sure but we can afford wheels. I love him and want to make it work but I feel so scared. Has anyone been through this? I am sick inside.

Thank you for reading my big novel of a vent.