It's never my hope that there's a true need for a thread like this, but I've at times found it helpful and wondered if any others dealing with loss (or TTC post-loss) would be interested in having a check-in thread.
Anyone?
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Me
I'm 11 weeks out from our most recent loss and while I'm starting to have better days, it is still very difficult. How are you? I've been thinking a lot about you and hope you're healing well physically. I know emotionally will be a whole different story.
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Physically I'm mostly fine. I can tell my hormones are completely haywire, but otherwise I'm ok. But I'm also back at work (so sitting most of the day) So I'm guessing that could also be why the bleeding has mostly stopped.
Emotionally it varies. I think in a way I'm doing "better" than last time because at least this time we know why it happened and it wasn't so sudden (it was a week from diagnosis to when we found out her heart stopped). But at the same time I think it's harder because we lost her earlier and I think that's caused less people to acknowledge it as a difficult loss.
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This comment has been deleted by the original poster.
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I'm about 3 months post D&C. We found out at 9.5 weeks there was no heartbeat and we'd lost it around 8.5 weeks. Honestly, I think I've been so numb from all the bad news and negatives in the past 3.5 years, that I hadn't embraced it as real yet and it wasn't as devastated as I think it should have been. I've since done my 5th retrieval and have 2 normal (male!!) embryos from that and 1 left from our 4th cycle. Waiting to prep for a FET as soon as my next cycle starts.
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I deleted my comment because I almost feel like I don't belong on this thread because our loss was a surprise pregnancy. We were so diligent about condoms I can't even guess when we got pregnant because I honestly don't know. That was about 4 months ago. We likely won't be TTC for about another year or so. But seriously because our pregnancy was such a shock but I got so excited so quickly only to have it all come crashing down, I'm super prone to huge crying episodes after sex. And even days upon days of symptom spotting and general obsessive behavior about pregnancy and babies. The raw emotion is there much less now that there has been some distance but the affects still linger. Loss is so hard.
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I think a check in thread would be nice.
I just passed my year "anniversary" of my D&C. It went easier than I expected. while I am doing ok in general, I wish for some happy news for all of us soon.
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I know I don't belong on this but I just wanted to say that even though I don't "know" you guys IRL that I love you!! and I am soo praying for good things for you all and thinking of you daily
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I think checking in on loss moms is ALWAYS a good thing. I've been having a really rough time lately, over 2 years after my miscarriage and almost 2 years after my stillbirth.
Sending light to all of the loss mamas. It's a hard journey to live every day. @MaryM: Definitely been thinking about you lately... I'm glad you're doing better physically. It's so hard when people don't treat your loss as such- maybe they just don't get it if they haven't been there, but it feels like adding insult to injury. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that on top of losing your sweet babe.
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@Mrs. Sunshine: every loss, no matter how early or unexpected is a loss that you are entitled to grieve. I've had many early losses (two unplanned) and they have all hurt deeply on some level. Hang in there!
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@PurplePumps: that sounds promising! I'll be thinking of you!
@LulaBee: I'm sorry it's been rough for you lately. I hope easier days are ahead for you. I really am thankful for your support the past few months!
@Crystal: sigh. Anniversaries seem to be so difficult. How are you doing with TTC right now?
@MaryM: I'm sorry you haven't gotten the full support that you deserve. Some people just don't understand since they've not themselves experienced loss.
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We are not TTC. I'm trying to get my body back and enjoy life as much as I can right now. I also feel like the period up until our due date is my grieving period for Dylan so I don't want to throw TTC (or god forbid another loss) into the equation. We scheduled a trip for early October and will re-assess after that. After losing him at 18.5 weeks and all of the trauma surrounding his diagnosis, I thought I would never be able to try again. Now, I know that I do want to, but my husband is having a harder time with it. I hope we can reach a resolution that we are both ok with.
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@winniebee:
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@PurplePumps: I think I'm sort of in the same boat with this loss. I mean, after going through it twice before, how can I really expect a different outcome than to be devastated?
Although I'm still sort of pissed off by the CVS results. I mean, I know it would be hell to have had a translocated trisomy (one that DH or I are causing), but if it's truly a less than 1% thing and was totally random...what the hell??? It hasn't even been a year since we lost our daughter to unknown causes...
@Mrs. Sunshine: I wouldn't say you don't belong just because you weren't trying. Our first loss was after NTNPing (and frankly, not even being sure we wanted kids. We didn't NOT want them...but we just hadn't gotten to a place of feeling the need to TRY). I don't think that necessarily lessens the hurt. A loss is still a loss.
@Crystal:
you@winniebee: I'm also on the fence TTC wise. I know we'll probably wait at least 6 months. After Gigi, sex was sort of traumatic for DH. Before her, we'd never had any issues "performance" wise when TTC, but once we did TTC this last time, it was more of an obstacle.
But I'd also been seeing a doctor who monitored my hormones and helped us with TTC, and I don't want my hormones being as completely out of whack as they were before. I have a consult with her next week to discuss what we should be doing. Before though, when I started seeing her (around Feb/March) treatment = TTC. I'm wondering if she has suggestions for treating the imbalances that don't specifically focus on TTC but just on having an overall healthier cycle. I don't want to end up having crazy long cycles again, and I feel like treating them hormonally will also make it easier to chart to avoid.
Long story short though, I feel like after three misses...what can the chances really be that we'd have another loss if I'm again followed by at least two doctors (like I was this time)?
But I know to DH sex=death=grieving/depression so it'll be a while. I think I'll suggest waiting until 2017 again. We'll see what he says.
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@MaryM: That sounds like a very healthy plan! I am thinking we'll wait 5-6 months as well....my husband doesn't seem to have a problem with the sex part, but he does feel very traumatized by what happened. It's been a year of heartache for us, 4 early miscarriages and our late term loss, all starting last September. I really hope September is the beginning of a bright year for me (and for you too).
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@winniebee: DH finally "broke" yesterday from this latest loss. He'd been keeping busy and working and having things to do up until then, but yesterday was his first day off that I was at work.
I texted him that I'd talked to the funeral home and the burial plans were set and I think he just shut down. Last night he finally talked about how he was feeling (he's not very good at that because he thinks it'll upset me) and he said "I never thought we'd be burying two children"
Both of his best friend's wives are pregnant so I'm sure that's not making anything easier for him.
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@MaryM: Men and women grieve so differently, as I'm learning. My husband also has problems with the more concrete things (like you mentioned, the cremation was extremely difficult for him, but often times he just doesn't want to talk about it at all because it is so depressing....and of course I want to talk about it all the time). I hope you have a beautiful burial of your daughter.
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Can we have a roll call sort of thing? It can be optional. But that way we can share about our babies if we want to? People could share as much or as little as they want.
Something like: Names, ages (how many weeks), birth dates
Other things I thought that might be helpful to share - self care (what little things are you doing for you), books articles that you've found helpful, have you done anything to memorialize your losses
Totally open to other ideas too
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I'm so sorry for everyone's loss
I'm 2 months out and I have good and bad days... Thankfully, the good days are outweighing the bad recently. I'm absolutely terrified to be pregnant again. I wish I could close my eyes and a healthy baby would just appear in my arms. to all of you.
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Self care wise, I did my nails the last day I was home before coming back to work. I wanted to do something super feminine
And I've been working on this shawl (though I'd call it a scarf) in the coral colors. I'm almost done. I was thinking I might actually keep it (something I rarely do with things I make) until I remembered my winter coat is red and so wouldn't go. http://www.craftsy.com/supplies/openwork-shawl-by-lion-brand-crochet-kit/30930
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@PurplePumps: We were on the December board together. I lost my baby boy at 13 weeks. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sending you so many positive thoughts for your FET!
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@MaryM: Classic case of hope for the best, prepare for the worst I guess. What else can we do after being devastated so often.. :-\
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@ocean81: Hi! I remember you there. I didn't know you had a loss. I'm so sorry to hear that. Did they say why?
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@PurplePumps: I just walled you
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In case any of you are looking for a way to memorialize your babies, there's an event taking place tomorrow called Day of Hope - its worldwide for anyone who has lost a baby and the purpose is to make a prayer flag. If you visit CarlyMarie on Facebook, you can see examples that others had made.
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Maybe I spoke too soon about people not acknowledging this one as much. I got home to a prayer card from a family friend, and today there was a gift basket waiting for me at work. Fully of gluten free snacks and cold press coffee. And more than $175 in gift cards. (too much really...it's only from 7 people!)
I take back what I said yesterday. It's not fair to compare what people did over the course of several months last year to what's been done it two weeks this year.
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@MaryM: I'm so happy to read this! Every baby and every loss deserves to be acknowledged. I'm glad you are getting the support that you deserve.
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I am so sorry to hear about everyone's losses. This is such a hard thing and I wish we didn't have to go through it.
I have struggled a bit with grief over this because it was a blighted ovum. We found out at 7 weeks that the embryo never formed so there literally was no baby ever. I kept dreaming about this person who would join our family and it feels like a mean trick that there wasn't even anyone there to mourn. I had picked out a lovey for him or her and I thought about buying it anyway as a memorial but it seems silly to memorialize no one.
@PurplePumps: I read something yesterday about the idea of "the wrong emotion" about how sometimes we get so caught up in what we think should feel that we ignore what we really are feeling yet those are valid feelings. One example was Toni Morrison (I believe) said she felt relief and happiness when her father died, not because she didn't love him or wouldn't miss him but because she has been his caretaker through a long and miserable illness and she was so glad he wasn't suffering anymore. All that to say, it's OK not to feel devastated, or to feel devastated one day and whatever the opposite is the next. Heaven knows I've waffled through all the feelings during this.
@MaryM: I'm so glad people have been supportive. I loved (maybe not the right word?) reading your update about how supportive your doctor was with your d&c, I'm so so glad you were able to find someone who could be so considerate. I never commented on your thread as you found out about the trisomy 18, it was hitting really close to home because an acquaintance in my mom's club has (had? Ugh.) a daughter with trisomy 18, she passed away at 14 months old maybe the day after you posted. It really gutted our community. We are having a fundraiser this fall for trisomy 18 research and I will certainly be thinking of you through it.
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@Cole: Even if you technically had a blighted ovum, you were still pregnant. There was still a baby being formed in your body (even if it didn't finish forming).
I read somewhere (I can't remember) that when losing a parent or other older loved one, we grieve the past that we had with them. But it's very much the opposite when we lose a child. We grieve mostly for the future without them.
Don't let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve to grieve. Every baby starts as "just" a gestational sac. Your baby is no less worthy of your love and grief.
In my experience, I very much avoided grieving our first early loss because I thought it was too early or just a sac. It ended up making things harder down the road and maybe two or three months later I finally broke down.
If you want to feel feelings, allow yourself to feel them
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I'm starting to feel somewhat normal again. I had my 2nd loss (6 weeks along) in June and finally my HCG levels went back to normal. I did some blood work yesterday and go in next week for a sonogram with the doctor to rule out any basic issues.
Last week my brother and 3 close friends told us they are having babies in Febuary, which would have been my due date. I cried for 2 days and felt guilty for my reaction, but I keep telling myself you can be happy for others and sad at the same time. I'm keeping my world very busy and small - just hanging with DH, my LO and my sister.
Much
to you all, none of this is fun.
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@Tanjowen: DH's cousin is due in February and I can't stand to hear anything about her. There's more drama with that family than just the baby...but ugh. It makes my blood boil sometimes how many people have babies by mistake when so many who are wanted and tried for don't make it.
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I'm six weeks out from my loss...
I've got extremely conflicting feelings, I want to be 6 months pregnant again but at the same time I never want to experience what I just went through ever again.
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@YouGotMe: I am so sorry you have to join us. I feel the same about pregnancy. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to relax and enjoy it fully. Or be able to expect a good outcome.
But I still want to have a biological child, so I just feel screwed
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Here's my recap.
We said goodbye to our third son at 18.5 weeks gestation, just over 11 weeks ago. It has been devastating, but I'm finally starting to see the light and have more good days then bad. Fortunately, we have two healthy living children who have really gotten me through the last few months. We don't know if we will try again. I want to, but my husband is terrified. We've also had 5 other early losses and I can't imagine facing another loss again. But, I can't imagine ending our journey with such heartbreak.
What I'm doing for myself? Working out and making my mental health a priority (therapy, therapy therapy). We also are going to Las Vegas to see Celine Dion in early October, the month of our due date. I'm really looking forward to that.
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@Tanjowen: Getting that news from others is incredibly difficult. My SIL announced her pregnancy 7 weeks after our recent loss and it was very hard for me to cope with for a few weeks. I can't imagine having a newborn in our family just a few months after our due date. I'm hoping that once the baby is here (rather than her just being big and happy pregnant) it will be ok for me.
@YouGotMe: I'm so sorry that you are here in this group. I hope this group can be a support to you!
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@Cole: I echo all of Mary's comments. I'm sure it is jarring to have learned that the baby didn't develop, but that doesn't or shouldn't de-legitimize your loss. Hugs
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@Tanjowen: We lost our baby girl at 22w and my brother and SIL were due on the same day as us. It has been really hard on me, especially since they ended up having a little girl. It's hard watching my niece grow up. I definitely see my brother and SIL less often than before the loss. I feel your pain.
Much, much love to everyone here.
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@winniebee: we also went to Vegas for our daughters due date in January. I think I just wanted to do something that felt frivolous. The actual due date was hard (I took a long time to get out of bed) but overall I think it was really nice and a smart thing to do.
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@MaryM: oh what a coincidence! We initially were going to go to Bermuda - but not knowing what will happen with Zika and given we may TTC again, I thought it would be better to go somewhere totally neutral. Also like you said Doing something frivolous seems like it will be a great distraction.
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My SIL announced she is having a boy. Due 3m after my due date with our son. Why couldn't it be a girl? I feel like the universe is really testing me
I'm 11 weeks out from our most recent loss and while I'm starting to have better days, it is still very difficult. 
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