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Loss Check in

  1. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @winniebee: DH suggested going to PR (my BFF lives there) but I wanted to do something just us and Vegas was about as affordable as anything else.

    To balance it though, I think our next trip will be to my aunt's cabin on a river in WVa (which would be free)

    I can tell you from experience, whether they're the same or opposite gender, babies born around your due date are hard.

    It probably took me a year to come around on my niece. I think it's just those infant times that are hardest to mourn. But I'll always look at her and her little brother and think of my first two and what they could have been.

    I flat out lost it when the last baby was born a couple weeks after Gigi's due date. The announcement itself didn't gut me as much as the congratulatory messages in the group text that followed.

    I've never gotten to experience that kind of joy...

    It ended up not working for us (my brother forgot) but I highly suggest asking them to text you DH but not you. I wanted him to be able to break the news to me, and I didn't want to find out at work or if I was alone. My SIL was really understanding and so sorry that my brother forgot (thankfully we got the texts on a night DH was home and as we were going to bed)

  2. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    We had the burial today. Overall it was hard, but good.

    I think it was shocking to everyone (me included) how tiny the casket was. Gigi's was small enough (like a shoe box) but this one would nearly fit in my hand. The tiny blanket I made didn't fit, so they wrapped it around the box before putting it in the tiny vault.

  3. GoGoSnoGirl

    pear / 1558 posts

    @MaryM: that is beautiful. RIP sweet baby Frances. My heart goes out to you & your dh.

  4. jaguar

    pomegranate / 3764 posts

    @MaryM: This is beautiful, hon. Lots of love to you all from down here. x

  5. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @MaryM: so much love to you. This is gorgeous and it's clear your little angels were shining down on you ❤❤❤

    As for me, in weird pre-ttc limbo land. Trying to imagine how to tell my boss (in the future) and already freaking out. But jumping the gun obviously. It's a tough situation starting a new job in this particular stage of life! My colleague just announced a surprise unplanned baby early next year so it's bringing up lots of emotions.

  6. winniebee

    hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

    I wanted to share this article that I read today - I think it's so beautifully written and is on point with the discussion we were having about earlier losses.


  7. winniebee

    hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

    @MaryM: I'm glad you had a beautiful burial. It must have been a very hard day for you. Thank you for sharing. Rest easy, sweet baby Frances.

  8. LibbyLou

    kiwi / 739 posts

    @MaryM: praying for you.

    I thought I commented earlier but i can't find it. I'm here with all of you and I'm over a year past my loss. Recently had a friend announce she's due on my EDD and she announced at an annual gathering that I wanted to announce at last year.
    Thinking of all of you going through so much heartache.

  9. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @winniebee: Thanks for sharing that article. No two losses are the same and a lot of it rings true.

    @LibbyLou: We're getting close to the date last year that we announced we were pregnant and it was a girl. The anniversaries and due dates and birthdays are so hard.

    And I've been avoiding a girl at work for a few months who has a baby the age my oldest should be because I was pretty sure she was pregnant. I had to see her today before a meeting...and yep. I was right

  10. GoGoSnoGirl

    pear / 1558 posts

    Not to thread jack, but @winniebee: thank you for sharing this article. I can totally identify with this author in not feeling I'm able to grieve "as much" as other loss mamas, but the truth is, it ALL sucks & they are ALL sweet babies we never got to raise.

  11. oskarsmommy

    kiwi / 625 posts

    @MaryM: Thinking about you..

  12. winniebee

    hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

    @GoGoSnoGirl: I'm glad you found it helpful. I've had early losses and late losses and it's all been difficult.

  13. delight

    pomelo / 5326 posts

    @MaryM: much love to you, your family and sweet Frances. @winniebee: thanks for sharing this article. Hope you're doing ok mama.

  14. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    Funk verified for today.

    How is it only a year ago we made this announcement? I feel like she's always been missing from my life.

    But also, how does so much hell happen in only one year?

  15. Cole

    grapefruit / 4649 posts

    @MaryM: I'm so sorry, what a hard year. I'm so glad you were able to bury Frances, the quilt you made is beautiful. It's certainly not the same but I know that the time surrounding the loss of my father was just brutal. We lost several family members and had a lot of other hard stuff happen. It was the hardest chunk of my life. I suppose the silver lining is that the good times are so much sweeter now but platitudes kind of suck.

  16. Cole

    grapefruit / 4649 posts

    @winniebee: Thank you for sharing that, to be honest I almost didn't read it because I am really struggling with the validity of a blighted ovum. I think part of it is the denial of what happened and wanting to just move on but this article helped

  17. DesertDreams88

    grapefruit / 4361 posts

    @Cole: I am so sorry that youte going through this. I had a blighted ovum 2 years ago at 7 weeks (measured 5 weeks). I saw my baby when he / she came out. It was a clump of white brown tissue about the size of a half dollar, with a pink clump the size of a pencil eraser. My blighted ovum was my first baby regardless of how the terminology sounds. I hope you can explore your feelings and find some peace, some better days, and please don't feel like your baby never existed because.... they did, even though they stopped growing. You gave them the best home possible for their short time here on earth.

    I'm sorry if reading my explicit description is disturbing for anyone but loss is inherently sad.

  18. Cole

    grapefruit / 4649 posts

    @DesertDreams88: Thank you! It sounds like our situations were very similar, I measured 5 weeks at 7 weeks and the miscarriage looked like that for me too. I actually really appreciate the description and hope it's helpful for someone else in the future because I had a really hard time finding out what to expect. I was kind of worried I wouldn't be able to see it and I think that would have made it harder.

  19. winniebee

    hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

    So, how's everyone doing?

    I'm alright. It's been 3 months, 3 days (but, who's counting?) since we delivered our son and things are ok. I kept thinking when we said goodbye that I just wanted to skip ahead 3 months to when I thought the pain wouldn't be so excruciating. And here I am. And it's ok. Not perfect, still really sad, but ok. I am living life and trying to appreciate what we do have. I still cry for Dylan and think of him every day (or maybe every hour of every day?).

    My good friend is having her baby today. She was due a month before me. She's delivering a few weeks early. It feels very raw to think that we should have newborns together. I should be *this close* to delivering. I have a monthly support group meeting this week and then a therapy visit for myself next week. Kids start school this week and then I need to buckle down at work for the next month until our Vegas trip.

    I also need to have a LEEP procedure next week which is just complete insult to injury. It's something we discovered I needed after our loss and just feels like a cruel joke, considering I've never had to have one before. Can't get pregnant until a month after that. Not that I'm ready yet anyhow. Maybe after our trip and due date? I just don't know. I want to try again, but I am so, so, so nervous. I've been on a mega dose of folic acid for 3 months and that is supposed to help. But I'm old (36) and have now had 5 early miscarriages, plus our TFMR. I can't handle another loss. I just can't. Then I think, how could the universe do that to us again? Can't God see us through this one? I don't know.

    Hope everyone else is hanging in there.

  20. LibbyLou

    kiwi / 739 posts

    @winniebee: here for you❤

    It's so hard all the time but even more so in the beginning. I'm a year out and I can tell you that it does get better but I still cry occasionally and think of her everyday. No advice, just trying to shed light on what your new normal will be. Xo

  21. littlecasita1122

    persimmon / 1026 posts

    @winniebee I'm just about 8 months out and I've been feeling pretty down lately. It definitely comes in waves for me. I'll have a few good weeks and then a string of bad days that bring me right back to the day I found out my daughter's heart was no longer beating. Granted, I am pregnant now again, so while that brought some distraction for awhile, it's now bringing on many other emotions I wish I wasn't feeling. Jealousy of others who can experience an innocent, naive pregnancy (which I'm grateful I had with my first son). Constant anxiety about everything and anything. I won't go into it much here as I don't want to trigger anyone, but sometimes I wonder if we should have waited longer before we started trying again.

    I am still going to therapy bi-weekly and then I go to a support group monthly. I really don't talk to any friends other than the support group members. I'm feeling secondary losses big time lately.

    I did want to mention I watched part of season 11 of Grey's Anatomy last night, as I knew two characters experienced losing a baby to medical termination. I used to be super into Grey's but stopped after season 8 or 9. Anyways, I was really impressed with the writing and the acting for the episodes I watched - I bawled the entire time, but it felt like a good cry. I was thinking "yes, yes!" the entire time April said things like "this isn't fair" or struggled with her faith. I wish more TV shows and movies focused on storylines like that.

  22. LulaBee

    pear / 1837 posts

    @winniebee: Thinking of you- good luck with your LEEP procedure. Life just sucks sometimes. And be gentle with yourself re: your friend having a baby today (yesterday?) My best friend had a baby a month before Henry's due date and I couldn't see her (and her baby boy) for over a month after, it was just too painful.

  23. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    Reposting from Facebook

    After leaving the hospital 364 days ago, I was upset that not only was I not leaving with my baby, I also left with nothing that was "hers." Nothing she had touched, nothing to remind me how tiny she was.

    I found an organization Teeny Tears that provides diapers, hats, and clothing for babies stillborn or who die in the NICU.

    My hospital didn't participate, but after I contacted a volunteer I came across in a loss support forum, she sent me a package.

    When I made a quilt to bury Franny with, I reached under a doll I got probably 30 years ago that was dressed in beautiful handmade clothes to get a tiny flannel blanket that had always been there.

    Sometime after that, I realized that perfect doll (that I was never allowed to play with) was probably very close to the same size as Gigi.

    For the first time in 30 years, I took the beautiful white gown off this perfect baby, and sure enough, the clothes meant for a baby born at 22 weeks were a perfect fit.

    It's like someone knew 30 years ago I'd need this reminder.

    (Only the hands and feet aren't to scale. Virginia had big feet...must have been like her daddy.)

  24. winniebee

    hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

    @MaryM: I'm glad that those items gave you peace on the anniversary of saying goodbye to your beloved Gigi.

    Is anyone doing anything for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support month (October)? My hospital has a candle light vigil on 10/15 that I'll be going to. They welcome speakers and I'm hoping I will have the courage to share my story there.

    This month is a double whammy - PAIL support month, my due date month. Rather than waiting with joyous anticipation for my son to arrive in a few weeks, I'm still crying for him. I miss him every single day. Sometimes the pain is suffocating and other times the sadness just sits beside me. However, I know that if he had lived, it would have been a lifetime of tears for his pain and suffering. Instead, it seems like I'm just shedding most of my tears now. I just wish he had not been so sick

  25. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @winniebee: Our hospital does something (the last one I went to with Frances), but I haven't received any information yet.

    My church has a wall of plaques with the names of babies and children who have died, and they have a Mass for all deceased children in October, so I'll be going to that. I think it's the 17th.

    I've been following CarlyMarie's "Capture your grief" prompts on Facebook and am in one of the share groups, but I haven't posted anything myself. But I like the prompts to even just consider myself even if I don't share. (https://www.facebook.com/CarlyMarieProjectHeal/photos/a.1207598185963435.1073741845.125499444173320/1203315199725067/?type=3&theater)

    And I'll be lighting candles on the 15th at home.

    I changed my profile pic to one of the Luminous Light Studio images, and a girl I grew up with (we weren't really friends, but had some mutual friends) reached out to me that she appreciated what I shared. I had figured a while ago she had a loss because of what she liked and shared, but we haven't actually talked to each other in probably 20 years. It was nice to connect to someone through more than a simple like.

  26. winniebee

    hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

    @MaryM: I like how messages can prompt conversations that might not have otherwise been had. I was thinking of changing my profile picture as well and I love that studio's images.

  27. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @winniebee: On our wedding day, my husband gave me a card with the "I carry your heart with me" poem in it. I've used the Luminous studio images related to that poem the last two years because of that link. I don't know if I just didn't notice it last year, but I like that there was a plural one this year.

  28. LulaBee

    pear / 1837 posts

    @winniebee: due date months are SO HARD. I'm sorry... this is all still so fresh for you.

    I've thought about doing something from "capture your grief". I think I will do today's- sharing their name on social media.

    Also- a baby named Henry (my son's name) is starting in my daughter's class this month and it's really triggering me. I'm hoping she can move up to the toddler room soon.


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