Lately there's been a few posts about marriage troubles, and I've been surprised to see that so many posters have had serious issues in their relationship (or are currently having serious issues). It makes me curious about how common this really is?
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We sought couples counseling before we got engaged for some issues. But since then our relationship has been really wonderful. We learned some really great tools in therapy, I feel.
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We did the same thing as @highwire. We had an event trigger our decision to go to therapy, but really used it as a way to work our some of our relationship kinks before making the committment to get married. We learned some invaluable tools (especially in the communication dept) that we use still.
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@highwire: Us too. Not because we were "having trouble", but because we believe in building the strongest foundation possible before the trouble starts.
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We're not having troubles now, but I think that we need to go to counseling to learn to be better communicators. I am a yeller and my husband is a clam. It's not good when we disagree.
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We've had some heated arguments and I did once say "maybe I should go live with my parents for awhile" but one we calmed down and discussed the issue rationally that wasn't necessary.
We are both very intense people, which makes our arguments that way as well, however once we both step back and breathe we can talk through our problems and issues. We have never actually talked of seperation in a serious sense.
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So it was before we were married, before we were even engaged, but we had bought a house and had been living together for 3 years. Hubs got re-acquainted with an ex-girlfriend and started to carry on a text/phone call relationship with her. It lasted for a little over a month before I finally found out for sure what was happening (although I suspected for a couple of weeks). I moved out of the house and we broke up. We ended up getting back together about 3 months later, and I moved back in a year later when my apartment lease was up; he proposed 3 months later. It took a lot of tears and a lot of hard work, but we came through it and have been stronger than ever ever since.
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I used to frequent Dr. Phil's website for advice, but things were never so bad for us that we couldn't talk it out and work through our issues.
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@eiko2010: We had a slightly similar situation. Before we were engaged we were living together, first as friends and then developed a relationship. We had a lot of tension caused by one of DH's female friends. She treated him like her fake boyfriend - if she had a computer problem she'd call him. If she got lost driving, she would call him. She asked him to help her move, and on and on. And to compound it, she refused to hang out with the two of us. She doesn't like me and felt like she couldn't have quality friend time with him if I was around.
It was really difficult because DH was really good friends with her before we got together, but I felt like the kind of friendship she wanted was no longer appropriate or respectful. And yet I didn't want to tell him he couldn't be friends with her. I wanted him to stick up for me and insist she respect that we were in a relationship. DH felt like he was stuck in the middle, and was also worried since it was a new relationship he'd be sacrificing the friendship for me, and we might not work out.
After lots of fights about this one issue we went to see a counselor for some couples therapy. One session the counselor made a remark about how she wouldn't feel good about her husband having such an important 1:1 relationship with another woman with her excluded from it. And it was suddenly like a light bulb went off in his head. The fighting got much better after that, and a couple months later we got engaged :).
About a year and a half after that, the issue with her popped up again when he made plans with her and she said I wasn't allowed to participate in any part of them (such as riding in the car and going to do my own thing). Except this time he got really pissed at her attitude towards me and said that it just wasn't acceptable.
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I think for the majority of it you are seeing it because many of us are entering parenthood for the first time. Which creates just this whole new balance that we're trying to trek through while supporting a new life. I think most of them are not "marital problems" perse.
Every now and then my husband and I get off track but remembering -corny yes- our love and relatiohnship helps us get back on track. Remembering that whatever we're pissy about is just so trivial.
Thanks @Nskillet: for her thread today because that helped me pick up the phone today and open up the line of communication. I feel 1000x better already! I HATE being pissy at my husband! It's only happened like 4 times in 12 years - not bad, eh?
Oh, to answer your question, none of the above.
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I don't know if it's the fact tha tI got married older, but we haven't really had any big issues. Ok I admit I'm knocking on wood as I type this!
I think the toughest times have been since having two kids, but mostly we just laugh about it and that seems to keep it all in perspective.
We also took a class called "Bringing baby home" by John Gottman when we had Lala, which really helped!
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@regberadaisy: aww yay! I was hoping my thread would help! I myself have been struggling with a very up in the air work situation and also some disappointment with family/friends. It's so important to love and cherish ourselves as individuals because if we get lost in the shuffle our families truly suffer.
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A lot of people run into the 7, 8 year itch once they are married with kids. All of my friends who have been in relationships for 10+ years have hit a rough patch...everyone else really hasn't....yet. Having kids just makes everything that much more stressful, and communication can easily break down. Things just pop up down the road, I guess. And even the most prepared couples can be blindsided. Life can really take its toll on you!
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I feel the same as @Mrs. Jacks. It really has been smooth sailing. We have our blips and arguments, but for the most part we are a good team. Pregnancy was the toughest patch for us, and how we spent 10 of the first 12 months of our marriage. I was sick and miserable, and it took a toll on both of us. I was back to my old self in the recovery room, which was a relief to both of us!
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@chrispygal: 10 of our first 12 months too
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we had counselling when we were engaged. other than that it hasnt been too bad. we do have disgreements about how to spend money sometimes but nothing out of control
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@chrispygal: @Mrs. Jacks: similar here! I got a positive test on our 6 month anniversary. I cannot wait to have the 'old' me back, and I'm sure my husband can agree.
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We went to a marriage conference one time because friends hads some tickets but couldn't make it. It was a ton of fun and it was rather helpful.
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we've only been married 2 years, but we've been together 6.5, and we've been best friends for 12. i think we know each other so crazy intimately that we rarely fight -- we know what to just forgive/forget and what warrants conversation, and we know how to best communicate with one another. when we do bicker or "fight" it's always short lived, and we end up laughing about it. BUT, we are only 24, and our baby hasn't arrived yet... i know we still have a long, hard journey in front of us!
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We got a lot of stuff sorted out when we first started dating, we definitely had some growing up to do and did a lot of work to figure out if we were a good match. But I think because we did so much leg work early on it's helped our marriage be really nice.
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We went to couples counseling before we got engaged. It really helped us with our communication.
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@looch: We are the same way.
We hit one rough patch where I actually brought up the D word, since then some things regarding that situation changed and the rest is kind of in limbo.
I know I need to be a fairer fighter, so I've been trying to personally work on that. When I get super angry I leave or go to the couch which makes DH retreat in him clamshell even more. In ways I need to work on my temper and he needs to work on being less laid back and more communicative about certain things.
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I think we lucked out that we sorted out everything in our dating years, that we've been pretty blessed in our marriage. We're only two years in though... so we try to make a conscious effort to put aside time to talk and reconnect (and plan to keep this up after LO is here). I think for sure communication is key and we would def be up for counseling if we ever needed it.
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