I have a 4 year old DS and 1 year old B/G twins. The twins need so much all the time: diaper changes, bottle feedings, the list goes on and on. I’m finding myself feeling so guilty because my 4 year old is having to wait around a lot for me to finish with the babies. He’s super sweet and independent, but he also asks me to play with him nonstop, and sometimes I just can’t. I always give him one on one time during their naps, and I include him in everything I do with the twins, but I always feel like he’s not getting enough of me. I know there is nothing to change it, until they get a little older, but I’m just wondering if I’m being too hard on myself, or if I can do other things to make him feel more important and included. It’s just so hard, and I’m constantly feeling guilty. I think I just needed to see if anyone else feels the same way about their older children, when a new baby/ babies join the family.
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Hugs mama!
I think you are being too hard on yourself. It sounds to me like you are doing the right things to give him time when you can and include him. You’re probably already doing this, but I also try to talk it up like “babies can only do a little but you and I can do this special activity when they’re not around or you can be my special helper with this thing they can’t do”. But it’s still hard. I think you are getting close to it being easier. My third turned 2 in August and I noticed such a change this whole pandemic time (so even before 2) in how much my middle (who is 3.5 year older) plays with her and enjoys it. Before that he always looked up to playing with the oldest but now the younger two have all these sweet moments (and do silly games I don’t want to play!!).
I don’t know how twin mamas do it! You’re all superheroes to me!
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I have one child and feel guilty that he won’t have any siblings so sometimes I think that moms just can’t win. Therapy helps with the mom guilt. I hope it gets easier for you!!
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@bhbee: my kiddos gap is the same! Almost 3.5 years, so that makes me happy to hear we are getting close. I can’t wait for them to play silly games together! I will definitely start trying to talk it up. Thank you
@peaches1038: I guess you are right. There is always going to be something to feel guilty about. I have considered therapy, because sometimes I just over analyze and put a ton of pressure on myself, and I don’t know how to stop. Instead of recognizing the fun stuff I actually do with him, I only focus on the times I can’t. Sigh. Thank you!
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@Jessiemuller88: totally. That’s a huge reason I started therapy and all the work I’ve been doing has been so helpful in reframing my negative thoughts and pressure to be the “perfect” mother. Once I found the right therapist, it seriously has changed my life for the better!
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@peaches1038: I really appreciate your insight and advice. Once things settle a bit in my life, I’m going to look for someone. In the meantime, I’m going to try to start shutting down my negative thoughts and anxiety.
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I think it's completely normal and inevitable to feel guilty, but healthiest also to try to find ways to let go of the guilt.
You'd be able to give your older more attention if he were an only child, this has pros but also downsides, like everything, and there are so many wonderful things you are giving him through his relationship with his siblings and learning to play independently, a super important skill. Also, at different times, kids need more or less attention. At some point, the twins will need less and you will have more for your older child, and it will all balance out.
I have just one one year old, and still have difficulty giving my older child as much time as I would like. My one year old is toddling around the house into EVERYTHING, trying to climb on EVERYTHING, trying to dump EVERYTHING, to put EVERYTHING in her mouth, would fling herself down the stairs or over the side of a chair if I wasn't constantly watching, loves to throw food across the kitchen and make a giant mess... Sometimes I feel like I must just totally not have my shit together, because I have zero energy to do any sort of special, fancy activities and spend an insane amount of time doing chores instead. But at the end of the day it goes by fast and I try to make quality time out of whatever we have, even if the baby keeps interrupting the story I'm reading the older one - so we have to switch to some other activity - or the quality time is the older one playing with the spice rack while I cook during the baby's nap, versus us doing something that involves me giving him actual undivided attention.
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@periwinklebee: you just described my daily life to a T! Mine just started toddling too, and I feel like all I do is try to keep them alive or clean up their messes! It really helps to hear that this is just another stage in life, and it will change. Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective. It helps to know I’m not alone in my feelings.
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It's definitely hard, and I also just have one 1 year old, plus DS is 7, so he has a little bit of an easier time understanding when I can't give him my full attention. But DS is a total extrovert, so he *always* wants to be around us, talking and interacting. I think that since he needs so much social interaction, even if I've tried my best to give him tons of attention during the day, he could always use more. So we've had some days where *I* thought I did a pretty good job of balancing the needs of the two kids, and DS will say something like, "You give all your love to H. I don't get any attention." And I'm like, we played together for two hours while she napped! It does make me feel sad for him. I try to focus on the fact that developing the skills to share attention with another person and playing independently will be useful to him as he gets older.
I think the hardest thing for me, as someone who needs alone/quiet time, is that I try my best to give DS a ton of attention while DD is napping, but then there's not even 5 minutes where it's quiet and I can stop and think. The times I've tried to set him up with an independent activity while she's napping, I just end up feeling guilty that we're not playing together. -
@Jessiemuller88:
It will get easier! You are doing an amazing job... way better than I would in your circumstances (I'm sure better than I do in my own much easier circumstances:-) It's something I have thought about a lot - because there's a part of me that would really, really like a third, but I worry, where's the line where I just wouldn't have enough to give to the kids we already have. Totally different from your situation, because it would be a very active choice to have 3 versus 2 for us. My husband right now thinks it's unrealistic, as we can barely keep the one year old from killing herself and clean up her messes, while giving the two year old the interaction he craves. But maybe it will feel different when the younger understands basic safety rules and doesn't make quite so much of a mess constantly.... I can hope
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@Jessiemuller88: it will get better eventually! But at this age there's pretty much no way to get one on one time with the older child unless someone else is watching the younger ones... my littlest is two, and it's gotten better but I've only put the oldest kids to bed like ten times in the whole past year
@periwinklebee: you're almost there! It gets better by 18 months. My third was like that from 12-18 and I'd never seen anything like that. You couldn't leave her for two seconds without her homing in on the most dangerous and destructive thing around. And of course she couldn't go to day care, or even go out much, and the older kids were learning from home. Fun. I let her color on all the walls in the house with crayon because at least that isn't dangerous and kept her attention for a few minutes. She still managed to drop a shelf of flowers on herself, chip a tooth (no one is sure how), and fall head first into an empty tub. And yes, the food flinging. So much food flinging. But she's the nicest sweetest kid and carried out all this destruction with a smile on her face
Yeah, that was a rough age.
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@Mama Bird: and @periwinklebee: I'm glad my LO isn't the only crazy kiddo around. She's 13 months and has been climbing onto the couch (she can't even stand on her own yet) and trying to launch herself off the back. She also pulled herself up on the baby gate into the kitchen last week and then reached up and *pressed the button that opens the gate*! She can't actually open it, of course, but I had a little heart attack that she's already trying.
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@Mama Bird: @Chuckles: This is totally my life. My younger child is a much better sleeper than the older one (it's a really low bar) but when she's awake - OMG - such a little daredevil/giant mess making machine. Hang in there!!!
I've been really hoping to avoid the ER during a pandemic, my oldest child has various health problems that have taken him there a few times since birth, including an ambulance ride from daycare and another from home (fortunately pre-pandemic) and now add to that trying to keep my younger one from gravely maiming herself and ugh... every day we avoid that is a win!
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@Chuckles: our sons sounds so much alike. Today, I was literally building Picasso tiles with him and he said, “Mommy play with me!” Ahhhh I can’t win! I too, need some quiet/alone time, but always use the twin’s nap to play with DS. It’s so exhausting mentally and physically. I totally understand where you are coming from. It’s hard.
@periwinklebee: Thank you for saying that. I know you are doing a killer job too. I don’t think two babies and an older child is much harder than one honestly. It seems to me that it’s hard no matter the number you have. The struggle will be there, whether it’s 1 kid or 5! I’m sure in time you will know whether adding a third is the right thing for your family
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@Mama Bird: I’m starting to realize it is going to take some time. Right now, our parents will watch my older son for us, but no one is brave enough to watch the twins yet
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The mom guilt is real. I just had my fourth and while it is possible to keep all four kids alive and fed there is sooo much that goes out the window. I struggle to do bare minimum every day and it takes all. Of. Me. Also... everything stresses me out.. I’m already multitasking insanely every moment anything can send me over the edge. Sigh. Kids are so precious but so hard.
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@mrs.kiwi: yes to all of what you said. I feel like all I can do is bare minimum everyday. I get so stressed over the endlessness of everything. Endless meals to make and clean up. Endless diapers, endless dishes and laundry. I literally never feel caught up. I wonder if it ever gets easier.
I can’t imagine how hard it is having four. You are a super mom in my book.
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@Jessiemuller88: I think it really will get easier, once the kids can be expected to help with the chores. After all, 100 years ago people had a zillion kids in part to take on all the chores around the house/farm - I need in on some of that.
1 year olds fling food everywhere, rip clothes out of drawers as you try to put away laundry, dump toys out of baskets as you are trying to tidy up, etc, etc. Right now it's hard to have my older one help with chores, because if the younger one is around, she's destroying everything as I attempt to teach him how to do the chore. But once my kids get a little older, they will be expected to be more self-sufficient. No reason a preschooler can't use a spray bottle with water to wipe down the table after they eat, can't put clean laundry into drawers or load dirty laundry into the washer, can't help with parts of cooking that don't involve knives/heat... and once they're elementary age, they can help with even more... In middle school and high school, I was fully responsible for making dinner for my family on weekdays, for washing and ironing my laundry, for helping with weekly house cleaning, yard cleanup, etc.
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@periwinklebee: I think you are right. I also had chores growing up, and I fully intend for my children to as well. My four year old already helps me cook dinner and breakfast. He puts his plate in the sink and throws away any trash he has created. He also independently dresses and helps me fold towels. I guess now that I’m thinking about it, he is quite helpful, and in a few years, I’m sure the twins will be too. Thanks for your positive perspective! I needed that reminder.
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@Jessiemuller88: It will definitely be better soon! In the meantime, do everything you can to cut yourself some slack
One thing that is depressing is how much cooking and cleanup time goes into making healthy-ish food that the one year old flings across the kitchen and the toddler sees and scream "NO I WON'T, I DON'T LIKE IT". On Christmas, I'm giving myself the gift (and it's likely to be the only Christmas gift I get this year...) of giving the kids junk/leftovers (they can't have restaurant food due to severe allergies) and getting Chinese takeout for DH & me. #2020christmas
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@periwinklebee: same to you momma!
Chinese takeout sounds like the perfect gift to me, and I’m sure your kiddos will love the junk food! I hope y’all have a Merry Christmas!
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@Jessiemuller88: Hope you have a Merry Christmas too!
I think you are being too hard on yourself. It sounds to me like you are doing the right things to give him time when you can and include him. You’re probably already doing this, but I also try to talk it up like “babies can only do a little but you and I can do this special activity when they’re not around or you can be my special helper with this thing they can’t do”. 
Yeah, that was a rough age.
1 year olds fling food everywhere, rip clothes out of drawers as you try to put away laundry, dump toys out of baskets as you are trying to tidy up, etc, etc. Right now it's hard to have my older one help with chores, because if the younger one is around, she's destroying everything as I attempt to teach him how to do the chore. But once my kids get a little older, they will be expected to be more self-sufficient. No reason a preschooler can't use a spray bottle with water to wipe down the table after they eat, can't put clean laundry into drawers or load dirty laundry into the washer, can't help with parts of cooking that don't involve knives/heat... and once they're elementary age, they can help with even more... In middle school and high school, I was fully responsible for making dinner for my family on weekdays, for washing and ironing my laundry, for helping with weekly house cleaning, yard cleanup, etc.
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