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I'd be super upset about all of that. Your so skipping family vacation, leaving you to travel a alone with the kids and then not following through with the class that was the whole point of him not going.

I'd be even more unhappy with him now booking himself a child free trip when he decided you didn't have a budget for a vacation for all. Seems like he's getting all the kid free time and you're doing a bunch of extra work for no benefit to you.

I wouldn't be able to just get over it especially since he isn't even taking responsibility for any of it. I'd talk to him and tell him exactly how you're feeling. Parenting isn't always fair but this is way one sided

Yeah I’d be super pissed he booked without telling. Bringing it up again? Fine. But not going behind your back. That is the worst part to me. I’d be annoyed by the general thrust of what’s happened lately too. And kind of annoyed a family member offered to pay for just him?? (But family stuff you usually do have to just let go) And probably also annoyed it’s so long.

Like for example I let my DH go to a good friend’s wedding a week ago. It was expensive for us so I stayed home with our 3 and he flew there and had fun. And it sucked it was a weekend we were doing holiday activities with the kids. But we decided together and he told me I could have said no. And he offers regularly to find me a weekend getaway or something I would like.

It’s a tough one to let go. I guess my goal would be to get to a place where you feel like he understands where you are coming from and it won’t happen again. And, that you find a way (not necessarily expensive) to get your own mental break. That could definitely be a lot of conversations that aren’t fun and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. I think if you do nothing it’ll eat away at you, from the sound of your post.

I think there are a few issues at play here. He was absolutely wrong to book the trip without coming to a resolution with you. Not ok. However, I do think that if it's a wedding for a member of his family, and that family member wants him there enough to pay for his ticket, then he should have been able to go. I know, it sucks to be the one left behind. My husband has traveled twice in the past two weeks, and one of those was five nights. For work, but still, trust me--I know being the solo parent is HARD. And the five-day trip was for a conference that was voluntary.

Anyway, it's not like he just wanted to go off to randomly party or something, it's for a wedding, presumably a one-time affair for that person. I get the sense that feelings of resentment over the professional course spending may be coloring your view on the whole picture, and that is totally understandable. It sounds like you still need to work through that issue. All that being said, I'll reiterate again that despite the fact I think he should have been allowed to go to the wedding, I do NOT think it's acceptable to book a trip like that without you on board.

@Baby Boy Mom: I’m very sorry you have to put up with this. It’s something I feel should be deeply discussed to include last summer. Sorry to say but DH sounds selfish and I think it’s something you should express. I hope it’s reaolved quickly and fairly.

Just reading the TLDR part made me mad for you, so when I read the details I was like ooooh hell no. Yeah totally unfair and warranting major discussion. I would be super pissed. You guys should have a big chat about this and I think you now get to have your own weekend/5 day away trip of your choosing to make up for this nonsense...is that petty ha?!

@erinbaderin: well, sure, I think this depends on your general dynamics..."I don't want to solo parent for five days" isn't necessarily a reason for someone to not be able to go to an event that's really important to them. I don't think wanting to go to a wedding of someone you're close to is inherently some kind of affront to the immediate family unit, or an unreasonable request. But then my husband and I have both traveled alone, so I don't feel like either one of us is taking advantage. If that's the case, that certainly changes things. And again I'm not impressed by him booking it himself without agreement, so there very well may be more issues at play. Regardless, I think the root of the issue is resentment over the professional course keeping them from going on the family vacation. Which is understandable. My point was that the desire/request to go to the wedding itself is not unreasonable, but the circumstances surrounding it are what make it unreasonable. I think that's a valid distinction.

@Baby Boy Mom: I get that! Sometimes feelings about certain issues can linger without even realizing it, and then rear up again later. I know it happens to me. I would absolutely feel hurt about him making the plans without coming to a resolution together. I hope he can be understanding of that. It's not necessarily about *what* he wanted to do, but the way he went about it, if that makes sense.

ETA: This just occurred to me: would it help at all if you got to plan some kind of solo travel you could do (if you want to)? That doesn't solve the issue of him booking without your agreement, but it does seem fair that if he gets a fun trip, you should get to do something, too. I know you don't want to spend a ton of money, but even staying at a hotel local to you for some time alone or with a friend might be nice and help you recharge a little?

@Baby Boy Mom: Just curious. When he dropped the class and was home while you were away with the kids, what was he doing?

You guys have 3 kids, right? So if he's gone for 5 days, you have all 3 to yourself 24/7? But at the same time, he's said you can't afford a family vacation. None of that would fly with me, especially not the part where he made a decision after you'd said you were against and and that you needed to talk about it. That's a huge violation to me.

I think you need to tell him you've just booked a 5 day trip by yourself, and he'll have the 3 kids to himself in that time period. A vacation for just you will be way cheaper than a whole family vacation--you can even just go visit a friend and relax and not be on mom duty for 5 days. But you need to book it, 100%. Or he needs to go to counseling. I don't know, to me, my spouse booking a trip (no matter what the reason) without running it by me first is a huge violation. I don't think my husband would ever do it. He also wouldn't stand for it if I tried a stunt like that.

There have been a couple of instances when DH's guy friends had a big (and expensive) trip at times that were really inconvenient for us. One year specifically was going to be a hiking trip in Colorado (so flight, hotels, rental car, specialty hiking equipment) exactly the 2nd week after I returned to work after having LO #2. We had just hired a nanny and had already planned to tighten our belts a little.

I just let him know the timing was extremely bad (me returning to work and me being up several times a night with a baby, and me having to wrangle a toddler and this baby in the mornings and evenings because our nanny only worked the hours I was at work, me having to pump and pack school lunches and wash bottles), but that I wasn't going to tell him no. I just said that however much time he took away, and however much money he spent--I would book an equal trip for myself, and it would be within a couple of months of his trip.

Well then he panicked--he didn't think we had enough money for TWO trips, and he didn't think he could work AND take care of the kids. Needless to say, he didn't go on the trip, and I didn't go on my solo trip, and we used that money to take a small family vacation that year. And that was a good decision for that time period.

I would be pissed if my husband did that, not okay at all!

Oh no way! it feels like he's thinking of himself as an individual rather than part of the family unit, and making the assumption that the kids are primarily your responsibility. That kind of assumption definitely wouldn't be okay with me.

I would be really pissed too. And I’ll echo the others that Jim going to a family wedding isn’t unreasonable- it totally sucks for you, but sometimes it’s still the right move. I have no idea how close he is to this person or anything. My DH travels often for work and tacked on a long weekend to attend a family wedding- it super sucked because he was away for ten days straight while I was home with the two kids and no help, but we talked about it ahead of time and agreed it was important to him and his family. Had he just gone ahead and booked it after I said I didn’t want him to, I’d be furious.

I hope you can come to a resolution and he can understand why this is so upsetting! And that you get a serious break!

I am in a similar boat where DH is fine with the idea of me taking a trip solo, but I don’t want to go on vacation alone, I want to do it with him or with a really good friend. I am actually looking into a weekend away with a friend, just need to actually do it.

I'd be really annoyed. Two questions, why did he drop out of the course? Is it because he couldn't do the course material or because he found it boring? I'd feel really differently if he just wasn't able to do the material versus never really trying.

Second, how close of a family member is it? Is this his sister or a distant cousin? Is this a wedding that it would be reasonably okay to skip?

I'd be annoyed about the process. I wouldn't be okay with him making the decision without me. But given that the decision has been made, I'd ask him how he was going to make this okay. I'd state it something like this: "I'm not okay that our family trip was changed this year for a course you dropped out of. It left me to solo parent away from home which is way harder than at home. It also meant we don't have funds to take a trip this fall. Lastly, in annoyed you booked this trip without discussing it with me. This puts all of the burden of drop offs, pick ups, meal prep, and cleaning on me. Once again, I'm going to be extremely burnt out at a time I've already said I need a break. So, how are we going to fix this?". And appropriate response would be to look at the budget and find a family vacation you can afford (a hotel with a pool at a minimum) and agreement that he will take on a lot of the load when you get back and you can have "me time,". So I'd expect him to do drop off and pick up so you could make up hours at work and a 4 hour block the following weekend where you could get your nails done and eat lunch alone.

@Baby Boy Mom: I would be furious! Theres so many issues here. Sorry to say this but based on your post he sounds a bit inconsiderate and selfish especially since you have 3 kids.

@Baby Boy Mom: I would be pissed too. Three kids on an international flight by yourself, followed by him just deciding he's going away for five days on vacation but sorry, no money for you so you get to stay home with the kids.. F that. When you have three kids, just no! (It would be rude regardless of the number of kids but I must admit since having multiple kids I would have less patience for this behavior!)

@Baby Boy Mom: I don't know how helpful I will be, but we've experienced something very similar. My husband travels A LOT for work, usually 10-14 days at a time, leaving all his parenting tasks to me alone (we don't have family to help). He was traveling more than usual; I was especially burnt out when he told me he was thinking of going on another, last minute, OPTIONAL work trip for 12 days. I refused, stating that I haven't yet recovered from the last trip, so NO, an optional trip is not in the cards right now. He booked it anyway. I was furious. I know how you feel. The money is already spent, so you don't want to say to cancel it, but you know it's going to be a huge burden on you at a particularly bad time.

Here is what we did. I invited my friend from another city to come visit while he was away (luckily she works from home, so it was possible). We bitched about it, enjoyed food and wine, all of which improved my ability to cope. When he came home, I announced that I was going to use all those airline miles he's accrued to take a solo vacation to recharge. I was actually too nice about it; I planned it to happen during a rare visit from his parents, who live overseas. I called up a friend who lives in a far-away city and suggested a visit. I used his airline miles to pay for a few nights at a swanky resort, and had a great visit with my friend, exploring her city and eating great food.

Since the budget is tight, see if you can use miles. If that won't work, he needs to take responsibility for cutting some of HIS expenses to free up some money for you to go, since it's essentially his choices that led to you not getting a recharge opportunity.