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I’m not one and done, but I always wanted a big family. I just wanted to say that I have a few friends who are one and done and they are all super happy with their choice. Also I feel like their kids are way better behaved than those of us who have bigger households because they get so much 1:1 attention and coaching for how to handle big feelings. If you feel in your heart that you’re done, I think that’s plenty of reason to celebrate your decision and move forward. There’s pros and cons to each choice and the only way to go wrong I think is to be untrue to yourself.

We are one and done and also feel content. DS is 5.25 years old and life as a family of 3 is so so enjoyable. We have so much time together and time for DH and I to have hobbies as well. We are able to afford a house in a very high cost of living area, travel, eat out, go to museums etc while still saving money for all of our futures. We fit in one row on an airplane and in one hotel room

DS is so smart, kind, caring and curious and we have been able to nurture his true self without other obligations or distractions. He is so special to us and it makes me so happy that he knows how loved and wanted he is in our family every single day. I also love that we have so much time and energy for him.

For myself personally, I am able to be the type of mother I want to be: patient, loving, understanding, calm and most of all HAPPY. I have a long history of anxiety and perfectionism and I know that I wouldn’t be able to mother the way I really want to (while working full time at a job I love and never want to give up) with more than 1 child. Our days are relaxed, and full of love and laughter.

I have a younger sister and we are best friends so I totally get your feelings about that. I too feel guilty sometimes because I know DS would be an amazing big brother. I just try to remember everything I wrote above and that our family is perfect for us. So many people tell me that I’m such a good mother so I should have more kids and I tell them that I’m such a good mother because I have ONE kid!

Also, Siblings don’t automatically equal BFFs (DH can attest to that!) and I also think it’s really odd to have a child to “give” the older kid a sibling. Children are not gifts to bestow onto their siblings. If YOU want another child, you should have one. If you only want another because you think you should or because you think that your child should have a sibling, then it might not be such a great idea. My opinion of course.

Anyway, ramble city over here too but all in all, I have the same feelings of guilt and questioning my decision AND I still know this is the right thing for our family.

I don't have personal experience with this, but just wanted to say that we actually have more friends who are one and done than who have multiple kids, so it is not as if everyone has figured out something you are missing. This got me to wondering how many families are one and done, and I found this with a quick google search: "A recent Pew Research Center study found the number of women who reached the end of their child bearing years with only one child doubled in the last generation, from 11 percent in 1976 to 22 percent in 2015. Census data shows one-child families are the fastest growing family unit in the United States." So you are in great company, and more and more people joining you every year

Like others who have commented, I'm not one-and-done but I had twins and actually went through a lot of the same thinking/agonizing around going for a third. We ultimately decided not to, but we have a lot of frozen embryos left over and so it feels like a decision that periodically flares up every time we get the freezer bill.

I will say that in the thick of parenting two at the ages of 2 and 3, I told pretty much EVERYONE in my circle who was child-free that they should seriously consider having just one child (if they want children at all). I really, really meant that. Those years were really hard and I had moments of intense jealousy of my friends with one child. Heck, even strangers - I remember watching a couple with one child at the airport once when I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with my tantruming twins and actually crying a little bit.

My best friend in the entire world is my sister, and I love that relationship. But I have also had really serious conversations with her about how amazing it would be for her to be one-and-done. And that's definitely the way she's leaning.

For whatever reason, I also have a lot of friends (including my husband) who are only children. And they are really happy, well-adjusted people so I don't think they "missed out" in any way by not having a sibling.

Sorry for all the scrambled thoughts. Bottom line: If I were you, I wouldn't feel bad for a second about declining to go for the second. And I'd work to let go of those feelings of guilt!

This is me! My daughter is almost 3 and we are so content with our little triangle family. There are some one and done facebook groups (including one and done of the fence) and https://www.reddit.com/r/oneanddone/. They were so helpful to me when I was deciding. They helped me see that there are so many other wonderful reasons to being one and done. When people ask about a second I joke to people we did it right the first time. She's too perfect. Ha! As you said, our life is easy and fun.

I echo everything @peaches1038 said.

Now with all that said, I do know two different older woman who regret not having more. One was a single mom who never remarried/ had more children. The other one didn't have more children because they were just starting their careers and were worried about money. She wished she had just bit the bullet and had more knowing in the end it would have all worked out.

@JJ2626: Just to chime in, I'm one and done and happy about it. My daughter is almost 8 and I haven't had any hankering for another. I've gone through the same thought process as you are but honestly, those didn't sound like good reasons for me to become a parent again. I want my daughter to have a community but it doesn't have to be biological. I have a fair amount of friends and role models who have only's and have done an amazing job building friendships so that their kids are growing up with others around and I hope to do the same for my daughter over time. There is also no guarantee- I have a brother two years younger, my mom openly said she had two kids so that we had each other, but we aren't close at all (and now I'm dealing with her guilt over failing at building our relationship). My husband has a brother much younger than him and they're very close. You just never know. And finally, yes, there's some selfishness here but I'm learning slowly that this is OK. I had a tough postpartum period where I lost myself big time. It's only in the last 3-4 years that I've started to regain a sense of self and I do think I might lose it again if I had another child and that would disservice everyone. So I'm one and done and I'm looking forward to having a really full life with my daughter and hopefully a community we'll build (we moved to a new neighborhood right before the pandemic).

Having two kids can be really hard. There’s a saying, something like, “one is one and two is ten.” And that describes my kids perfectly. Separately each of my kids are a thousand times easier than when they’re together. And I know people say they’ll have someone to play with if they have a sibling, but I kinda hate when they play together because it always turns into a fight.

I really really wanted a second. I was so jealous of my SIL when she had an oops baby and we were waiting so we could space out daycare costs. But sometimes I looks back and go WTF were we thinking?! Things were so much simpler with one!

I mean I love my younger child. But she’s a much more difficult personality than my older one. And two can just be a LOT some days. So if you are on the fence and don’t really feel bought into having two, do not do it.

@JJ2626: Us! Except our roles are reversed - I would have had a second baby but my spouse was firmly decided that she only wanted one child. He is 5 now and an absolute delight - most of the time. 🤣 While I admittedly did feel like I was missing out when alllll of my friends got pregnant with their second (and third!) kids, it was because of my own desire if that makes sense - I 10000000% believe that there is zero disservice done to the child to not “give him” a sibling. I just wanted to slow down time really - I wanted a baby to snuggle again. Now that we’re pretty far past that stage I feel happy and settled and the biggest thing I remind myself is this - we are BARELY able to hold it together with one child and two demanding careers. We don’t have local family help and we are maxed out. One child still makes you a parent. You’re really not missing out on anything at all. ️

@wrkbrk: I resonate with this big time. My career is very important to me, and having one kid has allowed me to have the best of both worlds when it comes to parenting and career (though it's not without challenges, especially now that we've been home together for a year!). I do miss the cuddly baby stage too but I'm excited for all the experiences of having a bigger kid too - more independence, more travel together without huge scheduling worries, ability to share our favorite things with her and vice versa.

@wrkbrk: @Mrs. Carrot: I agree about missing the baby stage. I always say that I would love to have baby DS again, not start over with another one! I also like thinking that I will miss the last age my son was AND am excited to meet the next age son! (I will miss 5 yo DS and am so excited to ‘meet’ 6 yo DS)

I'm not one and done. (In case you want another reason to consider sticking to one child: My second child turned out to be twins )

I will say that I like having a sister, and that factored into my desire for a second child.

But.

I do not think that is sufficient criteria for having a second child. Another baby is a tremendous amount of work and commitment. I very much wanted a second baby and am absolutely head over heels in love with my twins. And my oldest is very proud of his sisters and gets along so well with them. However, even despite all that lovey dovey stuff, he definitely gets less attention from us now that they are here. And we are stretched more thinly than I would prefer.

My husband is an only child and is 100% fine with that. He would have been fine with having only child as a result. And I think in many ways he misses our simpler life with the one kid.

Siblings are not a guaranteed perfect relationship, either. Neither of my parents has a relationship with their only sibling. My sister and I definitely have a unique connection that I value, but we are not BFFs.

I don't think you should consider a second child unless YOU want to be a MOM to a second child. Don't do it just for your daughter. She'll be fine.

I know @JJ2626 posted this question a bit ago but I’ve been off hellobee for a bit. But after reading it - I also wanted to say thank you to everyone for sharing their thoughts. After years of struggle we welcomed our DD 10 months ago. She’s n amazing little girl - happy, sweet, mellow and sleeps great. In fact we are just returning from a cross country trip (driving as I felt it safer) because a close family member was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and we dropped everything. And honestly she has done great.

I am older as is DH ad we’ve decided for a variety of reasons she is our only even though I imagined two kids once we decided to have one. I worry about her not having a sibling but we know it just makes sense. So reading these comments with the notes about making a child’s community their friends and seeing how satisfied everyone is who is one and done helps me feel that our decision is right for us for many of the same reasons.

@JJ2626: OMG! I used to have that same thought often. Like is something wrong with me for not actively wanting more? I have felt guilt over not giving her a sibling but I also think having a sibling doesn't guarantee what would be ideal in a sibling relationship. My sister is mostly stress in my life. I thing that supportive family can be created though blood or bond. Our life is mostly very, very happy and I feel like I am a good mom most of the time because can provide so much time and financial resources in developing my daughter.

@periwinklebee: This! It's just more of the same essentially. It's not like a whole new world of parenting opens up. It's more like "that was cool, let's have another."

@JJ2626: I think it just has more to do with what is "normal" (not the greatest word) to an individual person, you know? I came from a family with four kids and my husband has a brother, so the idea of a sibling just seems typical (so to speak.)

@JJ2626: I don't think it's that you have some urge that is "missing." I really think it's just how you picture what you want your family to be. For some people, they picture just themselves and a spouse and that feels "right." For me, I would see a photo of myself, DH, and DS, and just feel like someone was missing. But now that we have DD, it doesn't feel like that when I see family photos. But I have a friend who wanted a third kiddo, and that's how she felt - like someone was missing. It's just a personal feeling of when your family is complete - whether it's 0 kids or 5 kids.