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I think there's "judgement" and "guilt" on all sides. It's natural when there are different ways to approach a situation. I'm tired of each side pointing fingers at the other as the reason for why moms feel bad or guilty. I think everyone needs to do whatever it is they need to do to find the confidence in their decisions, regardless who agrees or not. If you're doing what you think is the best for your baby and family, that's all that matters. We all need to take responsibility for our own feelings. We are in control of how someone else makes us feel.

I like her points. I think the concept of pushing back is real because this whole natural thing has gotten out of hand. I even have a friend who has one child and did everything just about "perfectly" in the all natural way (except for the tiniest bit of pitocin in labor that she feels extreme remorse over even now almost 5 years later) and has decided she is one and done, not because she doesn't want more kids, but because she felt that with two children she simply could not give both the natural, best pregnancy/babyhood/childhood she desires to give them and that would be unfair to the them both.

I live in a wealthy, educated, white collar, extremely pro natural everything EBF/CD/AP area and basically none of those things worked for my son, or my family. Which itself is fine until people ask you about it and question if you had really done everything possible to avoid whatever it was we did. For instance, we are borrowing our washer dryer from a friend who's husband struggles with germphobia in a serious OCD way. I did not even question that based on that alone CDing was out for us. But when a friend pried and pried about why I wasn't CDing and I rattled off a few reasons, including that my washer wasn't even mine, she insisted "but EBF poop is water soluble!" That's insane. When we started supplementing with one bottle of formula a day because of my supply, every person around me asked if I'd worked with an LC. I had talked to 3. "But did you hire a real IBCLC who came to your house with a scale and observed you for 2-3 days?" What?? Stop.

I feel like as a mom now, I more openly share about all the NOT perfect ways I parent so some other new mom in my town doesn't feel like an ass because she doesn't use exclusively Hape wooden toys. I'm like "THAT DOLLAR STORE PLASTIC LIGHT UP BALL IS SO GREAT, KEEPS MY SO OCCUPIED FOR HOURS!" Whatever works for you and your family is awesome - just don't get up in my grill because I'm different or didn't do whatever I was supposed to do "all the way" or perfectly.

The truth is if I followed all that stuff to a T, in nature we would have not made it in the jungle because natural selection would have deemed us unfit as a mother child pairing. He would have died from dehydration and jaundice and hunger or I would have like sad panda rolled over him because I hadn't slept for 3 months and was out of my mind with PPA/PPD. Or we would have just died in childbirth because he was stuck transverse with the cord wrapped around his neck and I would have just passed out in a cave with no access to a c-section.

Dr. Amy is the sole reason I was able to turn my feelings about my c-section around. I was in a dark place and her words helped me stop acting like an asshole about the fact that things didn't go the way I had planned. I think I needed some strongly worded advice at the time, and I'll always be grateful for it. I can't say I agree with her on everything, and I honestly haven't read anything from her in a couple of years, but I wish more of the books I had read during pregnancy didn't make me completely believe I was in control of how any of it would go in reality. Sure I wish my baby wasn't breech, but he was and I'm thankful I had the option of a safe c-section in a clean environment, and I don't think I should have to feel guilty about it.

In my experience, attitudes tend to swing back and forth like a pendulum and it seems that we're at the point where the pendulum is about to swing back from the natural end. It think it's also important to remember that the push for "natural" is a direct result of the overuse of interventions and women feeling they lacked any control over their birth experiences and the postnatal period.

I agree that her tone is pretty abrasive. I can see that she makes some good points though, that moms should do what's best for them without guilt. In my experience, though, I never really felt pressure to do things a certain way or guilt if I didn't go along. Even within my fairly crunchy midwife practice they simply asked what I was thinking as far as pain management in labor, and did everything they could to help me have the kind of birth I wanted. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a game plan for birth, as long as you realize many things are out of your control.

The one area I will say I probably would feel pressure if I didn't want to is breastfeeding- everyone is pretty pro BF around here, which is great for me since I am and enjoy it. But I could see that becoming pressure if you wanted to and it didn't work or you just didn't want to.

I think it's really more difficult in the internet world compared to real life, because people tend to be a little more bold in their words and it's often difficult to decipher tone. I tend not to really watch my words online.

With my IRL friends, we really talk about the dirty stuff and we've never had an issue, so it is not a real word problem for me specifically.

I didn't particularly care for her abrasiveness, but I did appreciate this quote:
"Women think childbirth is safe because of the routine use of medical intervention by doctors." I think this is very much true. What I didn't agree with is her opinion about birth plans. I think knowing what you want going into labor, but also acknowledging that things might not go as planned, is perfectly okay.

Tbh I don't even find her all that abrasive. I agree with almost all she says, although I'd qualify that with some of what @Kemma: said. We do need to find middle ground, I think. We don't need to say that there's no value in breastfeeding, for example, but we do need to acknowledge that it's far from the be all, end all, of childhood and motherhood.

I did not find her that abrasive at all. I think the article is weird and just plucks out little chunks from her book to make it a advertising article. Some of her science seems weird too, but I didn't look into.
What I would like to see is numbers into what the 'majority' think on these issues. It seems like an assumption to me to say the majority are about being natural parents. I have crunchy friends and then I've had people make comments about when I was co-sleeping. I do agree that I don't like hospitals making babies room share from the beginning, but one indication like that is not representative of a whole. I think parenting is one thing everyone thinks they know about and often project their feelings and opinions on others. I think it's just important to emphasize that the right way is whatever way works for each family. Fairly simple.

@Kemma: I think your second point is very important.

@Maysprout: yeah I don't read her stuff really, so I can't speak to that. But referencing the general points in the articles above, I agree with the gist of it.

After finishing the article, I also notice that this author uses a false distinction and a straw man of an argument. It's either accept all the interventions and don't feel bad about anything or have an unattended home birth and eschew all of modern medicine? She really exaggerates the "natural" side, doesn't she? Where's the middle ground, people who are happy with their doctors, give birth in hospitals, practice good prenatal care, but also want to be informed and have input on how their birth goes? She's creating an exaggerated opposition to rile people up and get page clocks and book sales. Doesn't seem like a reasoned position or based in reality at all.

@MoonMoon: Where do you get that she thinks everyone should just accept "all the interventions"? The article specifically says:

Tuteur would like women to stop making birthing plans because those plans just lead to disappointment. Instead, moms-to-be should take a class that shows a variety of births and educates about the mechanics of childbirth, but “you should be very suspicious of anyone telling you there’s a right way to give birth.”

I think the basic idea she's promoting here is that doctors don't recommend interventions just for funsies, they recommend them when there's a reason to intervene. Are some interventions over-used? Sure, in the interest of "better safe than sorry," I'm sure there have been plenty of c-sections for huge babies that might have made it out without shoulder dystocia - but if your baby is the one that gets stuck and suffers a permanent injury or death, you may wish that your provider had erred on the side of caution.

And your statement about the majority being "butthurt" is unbelievably dismissive and rude. There are people in this thread telling you that they've been incredibly hurt by the dominance and attitudes of "natural" parenting in our particular parenting culture. You don't get to decide that we shouldn't really be hurt because we're in the majority nationwide. When everyone else in your local mommy group is breastfeeding and talking about how awesome it is, or when everybody's bragging about their unmedicated vaginal births, or when people are asking you "oh, you had a c-section? Well, you should have had a midwife/tried to deliver your breech baby vaginally/etc" it doesn't matter what people who aren't in your community are doing or who is technically "the majority."

I have mixed feelings about this article. On the one hand, I agree that women shouldn't feel guilty about their birth regardless of use of any intervention. But while I don't think anyone should feel guilty because they got an epidural or a c-section, I also don't think I should have to feel guilty because I had an unmedicated delivery and am proud that I was able to do it. Me being proud of my birth is not saying anything about anybody else's birth.

Also, I don't understand the logic of saying women shouldn't have a birth plan because they "just lead to disappointment". That certainly wasn't the case for me. She recommends a birthing class that goes through various birthing options (which I did) but why is that mutually exclusive from having a birth plan? My birth plan had options for non-medicated, assisted, epidural and c-section, so it's not like a birth plan has to be set in stone with this is the only way that you will give birth.

As for breastfeeding, I think we, as a culture, need to find a balance between supporting women who are breastfeeding and those that are formula feeding. Again, those don't need to be mutually exclusive.

And, personally, I think there's more stigma against co-sleeping that not. I think people who cosleep have to defend that choice far more than people who do not cosleep. And hospitals insisting on rooming in is NOT because they want to encourage cosleeping. My husband got chastised 3 different times by nurses who caught him sleeping while holding our newborn. Also, I do happen to agree that it's nice to have the option to send baby to a nursery for brief periods after delivery.

Overall, I think this article just demonstrates that we need to be more supportive of others, even if they choose things different than we did. For many things there is nothing that is "better", just things that work better for different families. For instance, I think most people could agree that breastmilk is quantifiably somewhat better for most (but not all) babies than formula (though I agree with the author that the benefits are small in the grand scheme of things). However, that does not mean that breastfeeding is better for most families. There are so many more factors that go into breastfeeding than just the nutritive qualities of breastmilk vs formula. You have to look at the whole picture and each family has to make the decision of what works best for them. And I do agree that people shouldn't be made to feel bad if breastfeeding doesn't work out for them.

Personally, whenever I come across someone who has chosen something differently than me, rather than getting judgy, I remind myself that I make choices that other people wouldn't agree with, but they're the right choice for me. Keeps me from getting judgy.

@MoonMoon: again, I totally agree with what you are saying. Thank you.

@Truth Bombs: yes but the book is called "Guilty in the She of Natural Parenting". It's not the age of natural parenting now, not even close, especially as the Skeptical OB defines it. But I agree with you, there are abrasive and judgmental people out there, on both sides. I hope I've never come across on HB as like that. I just really dislike this blog.

@MoonMoon: And yes, by dismissing the legitimate feelings that me and at least one other poster here expressed as "butthurt" you are definitely coming off as abrasive and judgemental.

@Maysprout: To be fair, regarding prenatal vitamins (and I have NOT read the reddit thing yet) my OB took a similar approach. Of course, I was encouraged to take them, but I was told that the baby for the most part would take what the baby needed, and I would be the one to suffer from not taking them. (It was true in my case, but my GI system was all messed up and I was in a lot of pain, so it wasn't like I had much of a choice.) But from the sounds of it, yeah, she is just as guilty of misconstruing studies as those on the other side of the coin. Having read and experienced enough of child development and parenting I still agree with the gist of what she's saying, but she's not doing anyone a favor the way she's saying it.

@Maysprout: I'm not saying I believe everyone should stop taking their vitamins, just that in some cases it's not the end of the world. For most people it's the easiest thing to just take them, even if you miss a few days, but I was not one of those cases. I was in a lot of pain from eating most foods, including vitamins. I spent months barely being able to stand up. So since my son did come out healthy and is meeting his milestones, I'm just saying it's not always the end of the world or something a mom needs to feel guilty about if she can't take them. Eta, and the other thing I'm saying is it doesn't totally discredit an otherwise good doctor to not freak out about them. I'm not saying this lady is a good doctor (is she even a doctor? I don't know) but I'm just playing devil's advocate I guess.

That article wasn't abrasive, but her blog posts definitely are. I don't know if she's that way in real life, or she's trying to get attention (whether it's for public safety or her personal fame, I don't know).

I don't feel guilt for our parenting choices, crunchy or not. I wish someone would write about letting go of parenting guilt in general for every parenting style!

When I clicked on the links provided in that blog article, I was confused. Promoting a baby rooming in is NOT the same as bed-sharing. The hospital where I delivered promotes the baby staying with you, but they'll give you hell if they discover you dozing with the baby in your bed. And the woman who died during her homebirth is tragic, but there's more to that story--she had hemorrhaged in her first delivery and was told she wasn't a good candidate for a homebirth.

@MoonMoon: you say it's not the age of natural parenting so confidently--how can you be sure? I really don't know and haven't seen any stats and how parenting styles break down. Even if it's not how the majority parent, I do think it's not uncommon or hard to find this information.

@Truth Bombs: spot on.

@JenGirl: the challenge I see that has unfortunately come along with birth plans is a "us against them" attitude. Like all medical staff is going to push their agenda on us, and they have come to see lengthy plans as a red flag that someone might be inflexible in an unpredictable setting. It's like people are going to war! I think if people had the support you mentioned, the doctor and patient would be working as a team, so birth plans would be reminders for things that have already been discussed.