Hellobee Boards

I hear ya! and you probably are the only one who can keep things straight! That’s how I feel a lot of the times

Here's my rant for the day on this topic. I'm a part of my company's women's network. Today we issued our quarterly newsletter to the entire company and the topic was about how while women are starting to get more gender equality in the work force (still not 50%!), we still struggle with the work life balance as women still statistically take on more of the household and child rearing duties. That's a proven fact. Not in every household, obviously but in most. We had one man angrily write all of us that we are clearly just writing these articles to propagate negative images of men and this has nothing to do with him b/c he helps his wife at home. Helps. He HELPS his wife at home. That right there negated his entire email. I would love to talk to his wife and get her side of the story.....I just can't.

@graceandjoy: oh no! I would have been so mad! Perfect example of the mental load.

@mommy finger: OMG that's so annoying! It drives me crazy when people are so quick to jump to "but it's not happening at my house/I don't do that." They're missing the point!

@karenbme: How frustrating!!! And I totally agree that it's always the things that you can't see that really weigh me down. DH will ask an hour before we need to take one of our boys to a birthday parties to see if we need to get the birthday child a present. Seriously? I told Dh that he's in charge of all dentist appts for the boys as I've taken on ALL of the various doctors' appts. They've been once.

@graceandjoy: omg I have this conversation with dh where he tells me to relax and I’m always like I can’t because I am responsible for 100% of the mental load and I always have to be thinking about what I should be doing next to keep up. If two of him got married I cannot even imagine. I guess it would force someone to step up and a lot of stuff would just be let go.

@graceandjoy: sometimes I worry what would happen if something happened to me and I wasn't here to take care of stuff... I guess some combination of hopefully family helping, DH stepping up, and stuff just not getting taken care of... but it's fairly worrisome to think about given his level of disorganization...

I suspect at some level for most men a big part of it is also that they just don't think being organized about household/childcare stuff is important, so they don't bother. Like at one point my husband made it clear that he feels like doing a lot of stuff around the house is "wasting his life." I made it clear that - sorry - some stuff can be cut but other stuff is not an option. But I feel like this line of thought is common, b/c society does teach men that this stuff is below them. Like, many men hold down jobs that require some level of organization and manage that just fine. Maybe it's true when you are a bachelor in your twenties that you can just be completely disorganized about life outside of work and it doesn't have many consequences. But I feel like that's less true with kids and maybe that doesn't completely sink in for many men because women are conditioned to make sure important stuff gets taken care of (and will be the ones people blame when it doesn't....)

@graceandjoy: do you think your husband learned a lesson from yesterday? Like do you think he'll be more diligent going forward about double checking who is picking up from school?

Heres mine for the day: Two weeks ago I asked my husband to get a gift certificate for his mother for a manicure for Christmas. One task, just one. I have done literally ALL the rest of the organization and Christmas shopping and he only had to do this one thing. He tells me yesterday that he hasn't even asked where she likes to go and has not secured a gift certificate. His mom and her husband are coming to our house on SUNDAY to celebrate Christmas with us. So now I have to try to fit somehow getting this gift certificate today into a schedule where I am on the road for a majority of the day.

Oh and everyone who mentioned that you would have to make a life list for just in case something happened to you, YES! I don't even think my husband knows what size shoes the kids wear.

@periwinklebee: My DH is like that too. His mom still does his laundry when we come visit! He never lifted a finger when he was younger and is just not a planner/list-maker/organized person. I'm Type A+++ and it gets old being the only person with my sh!# together.

@IRunForFun: Such a good example of the teacher gifts. I have kids at two different schools with several different teachers and I was scrambling the last couple of days trying to get gifts organized. My husband would never even consider that these exist, and even if he did, he would think it is stupid and refuse to do it. Which is a whole different issue.

This thread stresses me out so much because we are that two Type B people couple! I wouldn’t say either of us is super disorganized at all but neither of us is that organized and I certainly don’t feel like I should be the one to know teacher gifts are a thing. And I didn’t know! I don’t buy gifts for DH’s family, I don’t send Xmas cards, I don’t decorate for holidays. I don’t do that stuff and if it doesn’t get done, it’s fine with me. We don’t miss flights or house payments or LO’s doctor appts but if we forget it’s pajama day at school so be it. I do buy stuff like diapers and LO’s clothes online bc I have more time to shop online but if I forget, then DH goes out to buy them!

All that to say, I do know that I will be the one criticized if we forget teacher gifts, etc. and that makes me sad. This post is a good reminder to work with DH on a plan for dealing with stuff like that when the time comes. Because I really don’t think I can handle the mental load!

@graceandjoy: ha thanks! I guess I am not immune to pressure from the outside to be a perfect mom even if I pretend I am immune! And truthfully, I’ve become the better planner by default since someone has to be. But you are right standards are lower-a regular convo goes like this :
Me: We should probably sign LO up for swim, right? She’s at the age?
DH: Hmm yeah, I guess. Let’s figure that out.
1 week later:
Me: Oops we never did swim. Oh well, let’s go to the park.
DH: Cool.

The End.

Funny/relevant story: DH took DS to a birthday party at which DD’s teacher was present. DH introduced himself to her as if she was some random parent he’d never met and she responded ‘’I’m teacher xx you should know who I am.’’

I definitely carry 99% of the mental load in our family but DH carries 80%+ of the income/providing. He also does whatever I ask regarding making lunches, playing with the kids, carpool, etc. but I have to make a plan and give him reminders. It’s working for us right now, but if I end up going back to work full time or if he is ever able to scale back at work, something would have to change.

@graceandjoy: 100% a discussion. An ever evolving one!! It’s not totally equal but it’s equitable. We each carry the mental load on different things if that makes sense!

@wrkbrk: my husband is very involved! I guess I’m doing a “not all men” thing here (yikes), but our house is pretty equitable. There are tons of things I do that my husband doesn’t, but he has his share of things he does that I don’t.

Part of it is just good luck in who I married, but I think part of it is also my unwillingness to do it all myself and I’m not afraid to drop the ball sometimes to make a point. The world isn’t going to end if I don’t get teacher gifts or something.

Also, maybe I have a “the grass is always greener” situation. It’s nice having an involved husband, but he is exactly like having another me—down to the fact that he’s equally opinionated and unfortunately, our opinions frequently clash and it’s a lot of work to negotiate/discuss every minute detail of everything in our lives to come to a compromise. Sometimes I envy my friends who are like, “oh my husband doesn’t even know how to buy clothes for our kids. I do all the shopping and he just writes the checks!” Because that would never ever happen in my house.

Instead I have to have a loooong drawn out discussion over what items our kids need, how much should be spent, do they need 3 pairs of Nike’s and nothing else (my husbands idea), or a pair of sneakers, a pair of boots, some dress shoes, a pair of dress, etc (my idea). Sometimes it’s exhausting to know your partner is interested and does have an opinion on EVERYTHING, haha. Including sofa pillows. Which car seat is best. Decor for the house. What should be bought for kids’ snacks. The list goes on....

@ilovepie: Yes this is kind of how we are!