I got less than 4 hours of sleep last night so please forgive me if I miss words or misspell words or don't make sense. Baby nursing + insomnia due to anxiety = tired.
Life is kind of shit right now. Well, it's not but it is. My husband is an amazing, kind, patient stay at home dad who also has depression. And you know what his major trigger is right now? Trump. He watches news shows and reads articles about what's happening and gets so upset. I tell him to put it away, just turn it off, and I get a "THATS EXACTLY WHAT WE CAN'T DO. PEOPLE NEED TO BE INFORMED OF THE BULLSHIT THAT IS HAPPENING." He's not wrong. I'm also not wrong. It's a no-win situation.
So husband is depressed. Kids are great, but also. My 2.5 year old is just SO VERY 2 (tantrums! so many tantrums!), probably because I only really see her for an hour every evening before bedtime and for half of the week I am cooking dinner during that time (the other half DH cooks). 3 month old is an adorable lumpkin who wants to nurse non-stop. And pulls and chomps and my nipples just hurt so badly. It's probably a bad latch, but I don't know what to do to correct it. I've started wearing a nipple shield again. I did with my daughter for a year, and it was just so nice to not have to this time.
Usually we would depend on our moms for some help when we were having a hard time. But, both of them are having equally terrifying health crises at the moment. His mom has a 100% clogged carotid artery, but failed her stress test so can't have surgery, but might need surgery anyway to prevent a stroke/heart attack? Who knows. Waiting on her cardiologist to schedule something. My mom was diagnosed last week with stage 3 ovarian cancer, has already had 1 surgery, and starts chemo next week. Both of us care close to both of our mothers.
Then there's me. 3 months postpartum. Might have had PPD with my 2 year old around nowish, but impossible to tell due to circumstances at that time. Might have PPD this time around, but impossible to tell due to circumstances at this time. Got the Mirena IUD 2 weeks ago so could be that (Nexplanon played a huge role in my anxiety last postpartum period). Love my kids, love my husband, no plans to do anything to harm anyone, including myself. Just sad and anxious all the time. And before you say so, yes, I've tried to mention it to my doctor, and kind of get brushed off as "that's pretty normal postpartum, let us know if it gets worse". And because #America, I don't have any PTO left after my maternity leave, so literally cannot take any time off to try to mentally recharge without costing us money / risking a write up at my job, which provides our only income.
Did I mention that we're also selling our condo and buying a house? And that that's been in the works for months, before all this crazy? And it's a seller's market for condos in our area, so really now is the time? We put in a contingent offer on an amazing little place that would be perfect for our forever home. It needs some work but honestly we fell in love. Got news last night that, SURPRISE, the reason the owner is selling is because the bank threatened to take back the house. Apparently it's been on the market long enough that they started that process and the homeowner has now lost the ability to say yes or no to our offer, and the bank needs to decide if they're going to accept or not. That could be great for us, or could be bad for us. Just one more thing to be anxious about. Best case scenario, they tell the owner "Cool, ok to accept this offer and just get it out of our hair ASAP". Worst case, they say "we'll handle this" and then drag their feet (as banks are wont to do) and we sell the condo quickly and end up without residence for a few days/weeks/months. When we initially talked about listing, my mom offered that we could stay with her for any time we were without residence. That's now off the table (because, you know, CHEMO).
On top of that, my family is MESSY. My husband really, honestly does try, but most clutter is just invisible to him. And the house needs to be kept "show" ready for people who want to see the condo. I have a list for him of the day-to-day stuff he needs to do before a showing, which he's great at handling, but honestly the big stuff? That's on me. While I work 40 hours a week and nurse a baby and love on a toddler who JUST WANTS MAMA PLEEEAAASSSEEE MAMA PLEEAASSEEE. DH will do whatever I ask him to do but sometimes asking him and explaining what needs to be done is literally just as much work as just doing it and I usually do a better job anyway, so I'm just going to expel that energy doing it instead of delegating.
Thank you for reading this wall of text. I think just needed to get it out somewhere. Because this is A LOT. A LOT is going on in my life and most of it sucks.
TLDR: Life is a lot right now. Good God I need some sleep.