Hellobee Boards

Yes. I see a therapist 1x a month. I plan on treating her and her choices with respect and to trust her at some point on a sliding scale to make her own good decisions.

Honestly I'm sick of being a successful well educated adult that requires no financial assistance and is raising a thriving happy child and being treated like I'm in need of being parented- by people who insist their experience (i.e. older) means they can give endless options and advice and gossip about me when I don't do what they want.

Omg yes.

Communication!!!!

One, I don't have a relationship with my biological father. Since having kids, I have NO idea how someone has a child and chooses to not be involved in their life! I have zero respect for him.

My Mom/Grandparents (who all raised me) were very much.....don't share feelings, hide emotions, and hit me/my sister. Funny because I just stopped caring about their non sharing and let it all out to them, just transparent about mental health, wellness etc in every day convo and suddenly we all just communicate about it now habitually like it's no big deal and are all very open as needed. It's been an incredible turn around and way healthier. While I think my kids only need to know so much about "our issues" with mental health as/when age appropriate, I think it's reallllllly important to be able to be an ear. I never had that except at therapy and as a kid there's only so much they can do because they know you have to go back into the house and leaving at a young age isn't optional.

DHs parents. Put on a perfect family show and are the furthest thing from it. What I thought I was getting, versus what I got for ILs is straight up insanity. I was the one seeking stability and that idealistic family from my SO. There will be no putting on a show, no one spouses way or the highway. No gossip, transparency and no favouritism that is as sickenly obvious as it is.

I have a lot to keep in mind as the kids grow up. Always taking what reminders I can to just love them and let everything else fall as it does sometimes.

I actually wonder if I will make some big mistakes that my parents/in-laws haven't made. They are all masters at just keeping their mouths shut about our choices, and I'm not that way naturally. I mean, I'm opinionated and I voice my opinions....I know that at *some* point, parents have to separate from their kids but I guess I just don't know when that point is. I hope I'll recognize it and not be the annoying parent who is always inserting my own opinions onto my adult children.

The thing is, I'm human and sometimes I feel like my parents are/were super human. Like (on a slight tangent), I don't remember my parents ever having and argument or even harsh words or sarcasm exchanged between them--at us kids, yes!--but never toward each other. Now that I'm married, I DON'T GET IT. Like....how can you live with someone and not ever have disagreements, like ever? I don't live up to that standard in my marriage, so I don't know that I will live up to those standards with my adult kids.

It's not something I give a ton of thought, but maybe I should.

Do I think I'm going to repeat my parents' mistakes and create the same dynamic with my kids as adults? No.

DH and I have basically done everything we can possibly do to not allow our kids to have a childhood like mine. I'm not going to say that it was the worst childhood or something because it wasn't - I know that my parents love(d) me and my brother and that in their eyes, they made an effort to be good parents. And they did some things right. But we had an enormously unstable household, we were always in panic mode because of my parent's finances, my parents were/are hypercritical and unhappy - towards each other and to us. I had low self esteem, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, destructive/addictive/obsessive behaviors, and chronic/expensive health issues that I'm addressing now as an adult because of the abuse, neglect, and lack of healthcare I received growing up.

DH and I are striving to provide a stable, loving home where we put faith first and where we prioritize our marriage so that our kids know their family and home is secure. We have rearranged our careers to be home with our kids as much as possible and to provide them with a predictable, stable routine. We think very hard about our kids' individual personalities and how to support them appropriately instead of trying to pressure them into being something they're not. (For instance, I am very protective of the fact that my son is a social introvert and try to respect that as much as possible and don't let teachers or family members try to force him into situations that don't respect that). We are ridiculously proactive about our kids' health and we have the best health plan available to us. We work hard to be financially responsible, live frugally, save for retirement so we're not a burden on our kids like my parents are on us, and are insured for a zillion things so that we can continue to provide for our kids should something awful happen. We are super protective of who watches our kids (including family) and we really make an effort to hug, snuggle, love, encourage, and laugh with our kids every day. And they will know that we will love them no matter what, no matter what they do or don't do, and that they can always talk to us and be honest with us.

I know this all sounds like normal things that parents should do, but I didn't have that growing up very much so I feel like just by consistently doing that over their lives we're giving them a good start and hopefully they will be happier, better adjusted young men then I was in my teens and early 20s.

I feel like even if I can't give them a fancy life or even pay for college in full, all of this will help us have a good relationship as adults and respect each other. No kid agrees with everything their parents did growing up, but I hope I can at least have a good enough of a relationship where I can tell them why I did what I did and show them that we tried our very best to keep them safe, happy, healthy, and loved.

@gingerbebe: Im sorry that sounds so rough. @Adira: yes it's mostly my MIL, I have not seen her since Christmas DH and DD visit her occasionally. I've taken a year break from my Dad for totally different reasons and my Mom is mostly great.

@youboots: I don't know if this is better or worse, but my parents gossip about me in my face? Like they talk about me and my parenting decisions to each other as if I'm not sitting in the room within earshot. They don't do this as much anymore bc my husband asked them to direct any issues with parenting to him and basically told them we wouldn't be visiting if they said anything rude to/about me, but he doesn't speak my native language so he has no idea what's going on until I get pissed off and tell him.

My husband definitely worries that our kids will have feel the same way about us as he does about his parents. I think we parent and live our lives so differently that it's not possible.

I do worry sometimes that I won't do as good of a job as my parents at fostering/encouraging healthy, positive relationships with my adult kids. My parents have excelled in that arena and it's a lot to live up to. My husband says that we're an abnormality.

Both of my parents had not so great upbringings and were/are not close to their parents as adults. My dad's parents pitted their 7 kids against each other all through childhood and adulthood. This obviously led to negative relationships all around. My dad has a theory that you either like the way you were raised and try to recreate it, or you don't and try to do the complete opposite. My parents both did the complete opposite, I'm trying to model my parenting after what my parents did in many ways.

We have a good relationship with my parents but sometimes I end up feeling sort of like the parent in relation in certain areas. They've made some poor financial choices and I do not want to repeat the mistakes they made. I pride myself on being on time, having a clean house, getting dinner ready at a reasonable hour every night; all things my mom is incapable of doing. My dad has this thing where he doesn't always care about adhering to social norms and so sometimes he can be aggravating. It can be like he's embarrassing his adult children for no particular good reason so obviously I do not want to do that.

My in-laws are good people but they did a really terrible job of fostering a tight knit family relationship. My DH is not close with his brother at all and maybe that could not have been avoided but I want to be a close family, but in an emotionally healthy way.

I hope to address any issues with mental health quickly and assertively because both my parents and my MIL have really struggled with these types of problems and I think they are the root of most of the issues we do have.