Okay, so I'm an atheist (for about 8 years now), and was raised Southern Baptist. In recent years, my family (on both mom and dad's side) have become more and more EXTREME fundamentalists. I'm still VERY close to my mom, and fairly close to my dad and his family (stepmom, half brother and sister), but I'm finding more and more distance opening up with everyone else. Added to that, I'm not allowed to tell my brother and sister (12 and 14) that I'm an atheist. (Which I think will cause them to resent their parents for hiding it, causing far more damage than my "bad influence" would. But whatever, not worth the fight.)

So here's the issue. When we have kids (hopefully very soon), we're going to have to set some clear boundaries. (Note, DH is atheist too, though less interested in the whole thing than I am.) We've already decided no religious gifts whatsoever, indefinitely. No trying to teach them about religion until they're at least 4, maybe 5, when they're old enough to start to understand the difference between fact and fiction/opinion. Once they do start talking about it, all things will be prefaced with some variation "I believe" (including what DH and I tell them), no stating things as accepted fact.

I've already discussed the "I believe" thing with my mom, and she's already crossed it. When I was briefly pregnant a few months ago, she wrote a letter to the baby (with the intention of me saving it for him/her to read) that included a LOT of "God has plans for you" type statements. I let that go since I could just keep the letter from them until they were old enough to understand things better, but it's frustrating that boundaries aren't being respected right from the get go.

I also think things like refusing to send them to Vacation Bible School will cause big fights.

Does anyone have any experience with family that has different religious beliefs? How do you stand your ground on things without winding up causing huge rifts?

(Also, keep in mind that we don't want to raise little brainwashed atheists any more than we want to allow my family to turn them into little brainwashed fundamentalists. We want to allow our kids to learn about any and all religions and make their own decision at an appropriate age. I never learned about non-Christians from a non-Christian, non-bashing standpoint growing up, and atheists were just depressed, probably drug addicted, horrible, evil people. This is what they want me to teach my kids.)

Further note, I know most religious people are not like my family. They are the extreme outliers that make everyone look bad.