Hellobee Boards

Yes a good friend of mind has been TTC since April 2011. It is hard hearing her struggles and knowing I can't empathize since we weren't even trying and I got pregnant. I'm always happy to lend an ear to her though.

I don't think you sound selfish at all!

I think it's probably most likely that they are afraid of bringing it up. They don't want to remind you of your struggles.

I would only bring it up if someone told me that they don't mind me asking about it, and reassured me that it was ok to bring it up!

I understand. It has taken us 13 months with crazy, long cycles and a miscarriage. I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant.

I'm kinda lucky because I'm younger, so most of my friends aren't having kids yet. But I felt so alone because they were in different stages of life and it felt like I was struggling alone. Whenever I brought it up, I felt like I was bringing my friends down. It would've meant so much if someone just asked me how I was doing.

One of our best couple friends (DH's college BFF and his wife) have been trying 13+ months. We got KU on our 4th cycle. I felt really guilty, especially since I have PCOS. Before my BFP I was bargaining with God in my head before testing sometimes- "I'd delay this two months for them to get theirs" type stuff. Just really GOOD people that I really want to see as parents. I felt horrible telling her. But I hope she knows she can still talk to me about it and that I still care! It might be different with people I don't know as well but close friends are different for sure.

My SIL has been TTC for over two years now and we commiserated together after I mc in June. Then I got pregnant in October and we haven't had those talks since. I'd say I think about her and her TTC journey every day. Is that weird? I wish I was someone she could talk to about this, but totally get that I can't fill that role anymore.

I'm the only one in my IRL friend's who had trouble but it was always SO sweet when they would check in on me. It wasn't pity or anything, just caring for a friend. It means a lot, versus ignoring it or feeling awkward about it. Even a text to say they're in your thoughts is awesome

I think about my friends a lot. One friend talked to me about her struggles for years...she is pregnant after 4 years of heartbreak and she is expecting soon!

I've only brought it up to one person who obviously told me she was having difficultly TTC. I did make sure to ask her about it often (talking past tense because she does have a lo now). She always seemed like she wanted to talk once I asked questions, so I felt comfortable asking again.

Thanks for giving your perspective. I have friends who are struggling to get pregnant and have always been scared to talk about it with them. I don't want to come across as being nosy, or as insensitive because I don't know what it is like to be in that place. You've inspired me to tell them that I would be happy to listen and talk with them more about it if that's something they would like or want. I do definitely think of them often and wonder how they are doing and feeling.

I have a friend who has been ttc for a year and actually had a miscarriage about 4-5 months ago. I honestly feel like I'd be invading by asking her about it constantly, or even at all. I feel like I don't want to "remind" her of her infertility. I also wonder if we're close enough to talk about it. So honestly unless it was my best friend I just don't bring it up...

You're saying that I should?

@Mrs. Pen: @redsmarties: I agree with redsmarties. It depends on the person. I felt comfortable with some people asking and definitely would not have felt comfortable with others. But I have no qualms about sharing my story now if it helps others.

My SIL and Brother were having major fertility issues. They were able to get pregnant but there were many miscarriages, and then on my first try I got pregnant. I never wanted to ask how she was doing too much, because I was ashamed, well that isn't the right word- upset- guilty -anger (at myself, the situation, everything), something like this. I tried to be there for her as much as I could, but I know that she didn't want to talk about it and certainly not with me.

There was a strange feeling I had during my whole pregnancy whenever I thought about them. I couldn't bring it up, I felt like it wasn't my place. Believe me, I never forgot about her, not once.

I talked with someone who I know was open, she was a blogger, so I would read her posts and then I would make sure I emailed her. Since I went through it I felt like I could be a good listener and talk about my experiences. I think if you are close with someone you could have the conversation about whether they wan to talk about it or not. If they say they didn't want to talk about I I would probably not bring it up again until they did.

I think about my TTC friends all the time, but it's a subject I never want to bring up unless they bring it up first because I feel like it's such a sensitive, personal issue. What if it's not something they want to be reminded of, you know? It's also something I can't relate to, so I always assume they'd rather hear from someone who truly can understand or relate.

I have 2 friends struggling with infertility. One of them is a good friend and is very open about her struggle. We talk almost every day about how things are going and how she is feeling. My other friend isn't as close. A few months ago she opened up about her infertility. I think about them and pray for them often. I'd like to let her know that I'm still thinking about them, but she has never brought it up again and I haven't wanted to. It's such a hard situation to navigate as a friend. Just because your friends aren't verbalizing it doesn't mean they aren't thinking about you. If you want to talk about it more often, I would tell them that it's something you would like their support with.

@bluestriped bee: I would've appreciated a simple "thinking of you". Most people were great and listened when I needed to talk but it was a very lonely experience.

@bluestriped bee: That would have been fine, absolutely. Actually, it would have been nice. In my situation, the only people asking were those who basically came out and demanded to know if I was pregnant yet. Or who would "reassure" me with phrases that were cliche and unhelpful.

It got to the point where I got almost bitter/distant from friends with children - especially those who had gotten pregnant AND given birth in the time we'd been trying. But that was my own hang up to deal with, I suppose. It wasn't their fault.

I think people just don't know what to say/how to say it. I'm sure your friends are thinking of you.

I find this whole IF thing so lonely too. I can't seem to bring it up on phone calls and my closest girl friends all live a couple hours away, so we don't talk about it much. Plus in that group of friends, one had two failed IVF's before having to have a hysterectomy, a failed international adoption, and has since divorced. So I don't feel like I can discuss my fears of never having a biological baby...she is living that life plus the end of her marriage.

My twin sister knows most of the details but I don't feel like I can/should talk about it as much as I would like, even with her. My mom knows we are struggling to conceive but not details, we have never had that type of relationship. DH listens and has gotten better about asking questions but sometimes I just want to talk about it with "my girls" and they rarely ask either. They are close enough friends that I wouldn't mind them asking. I feel like when I am with them, I sit there and listen to them talk about their kids (whom I love) but I just have so little to contribute to the conversation and it is lonely. All this is why I also love HB!!!

I felt so much guilt during my pregnancy, as my step-MIL, SIL and 2 good friends have been dealing with infertility, including several MC's.

My pregnancy was unplanned, and I didn't want to cause hurt or more upset. I avoided talking about my pregnancy around them, and I don't bring up their trying. I do ask them how they are doing (in general) and let them know I'm thinking of them....so that they could open up if they wanted to.

My step-MIL is visiting from Peru in 2 weeks. This will be the first time seeing the baby. She's my age, and has been trying for three years to maintain a pregnancy. I think that after our LO was born that FIL who is 64, decided to stop trying. I really don't know what to say or how to act.

I always thought I would have to deal with infertility. I have PCOS, hypothyroid, as well as no ovulation/irregular cycles. I got extremely lucky and count my blessings every day.