Hellobee Boards

I don't think it's selfish at all. It can be so hard to go through all of this and only feel like you can relate to those going through it as well. It took me a while to reach out to my friends that got pregnant without any medical assistance. I felt like they just wouldn't understand, and I had heard a few "typical" things from them that I just could handle to hear again (it will happen when the time's right, just relax, etc.).

The simple 'I'm thinking of you' has been just what I needed to hear from the friends I have opened up to. And even my sister. It took a while for me to talk with her - but recently, when she managed to check in with me right when it mattered most, I felt like she cared. I do think that people who don't struggle to conceive have a hard time knowing what to say. But if you feel like you're at a place where you can open up to them, they can provide support. It has helped me feel less like I have slipped through the cracks since I'm not in the mommy club yet. Being in the "in between" or "TTC for over a year club" is a hard place to be. Talking about it has taken me some practice and courage.

I could have written this, @Bluestriped Bee, as it's how I've been feeling lately. I haven't been trying as long as you, but I feel this very exact way and it's been on my mind a lot.

Two friends started TTC, or thinking about it, around the same time as us. It was something we would talk about. One friend even asked, "Can we support each other through this?" I now feel left behind. Neither ask how things are going. One complains about every pregnancy symptom and is always talking about pregnancy, baby stuff, etc. I get it--first time pregnancy is all consuming, but I would so appreciate it being balanced by being asked, "How are things going for you? Do you want to talk about it?" Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But I would love to at least be asked every now and then.

Everyone is obviously different. How/if you check in on a friend should be determined by how she has talked about it in the past, how close you are, whether she's a private person.... with all that in mind, my advice is not to wait for your friend to give you permission to ask about it. Start by asking her if she wants to talk about it or even be asked about it in the future. Let her know you're thinking about her. If you're currently pregnant, do share your experiences, but balance it by asking what is going on with your friend.

I don't know anyone struggling with infertility IRL, but I will say that I don't ask my single friends how their dating lives are going unless they bring it up, which I think is somewhat comparable. It's not that I don't care, of course I care deeply and only want them to be happy, but I'm being sensitive to their feelings and current situation.

I know that getting in a good relationship is #1 on their minds 100% of the time, but it's also stressful to be asked about it if it isn't going well, which I know from personal experience. I view infertilitly the same way unless someone makes it known that they want to talk about it regularly.

I talk to one friend regarding hers, ask when her appointments are and what they are trying next because she is very open about it. Another friend I don't because she doesn't talk about it.

I see both sides. For me personally, I didn't want to talk about it unless I brought it up. I knew my friends didn't want to bug me. I still tried to be involved in my friends' kids lives. I hated it when my in laws would bring it up. It was annoying to find out my parents got everyone in their small group to pray for me. Seemed like everyone at the church came up to me to congratulate me on finally getting pregnant. But it was a good friend of mine who accidentally got knocked up that encouraged me to seek help.... Maybe something was seriously wrong....

Anyway *hugs* I know how u feel and it's not selfish. That's what friendships and relationships at about... Give and take...everyone is different in what they need and most times people don't know how to act or react and they don't know how u feel so u will have to give them a heads up. If afterwards, they don't ask, then u may need a better support system.

My best friend has had two miscarriages and a child who died at birth. We were pregnant at the same time which helped to strengthen our relationship because although she knew her child was unlikely to make it, having a pregnant friend to work through things with was good for her. Now that I have the baby, sadly our relationship is going through a fallow period. I am almost ashamed of myself every time we talk. I am tired, my kid is crying. I am thankful for the mess of new-mom life, but it makes me a terrible conversationalist. I try to schedule our conversations when he is napping so that he isn't a distraction (this is easier now that he is older and naps better), but also feel bad asking to schedule a conversation with someone who is grieving. All around I just feel terrible. But I think of her every day and just pray that things turn around for her.