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You guys. Get your estate planning done!!!! I’m a lawyer. It’s fast and relatively inexpensive. Just outsource it to get it off the to do list!
Anyway - I’ve never rented a car. Like for a trip. DW always does it. Then she gets us from the airport to the car rental place, and takes care of driving on every trip and returning the car before we go back to the airport. It’s embarassing and pathetic - I need to step up!! -
@josina: OMG. Same here RE: Never installing a carseat on my car. It's terrible. DS is 7, on the smaller side, and is STILL in the 5 point car seat. I can't wait for the transition into the booster seat so I don't have to worry about the seemingly super complicated strap on strap offs! I looked at DH and I honestly can not figure out how he does it. Needless to say we seldom take the seat cover pieces off to wash
It gets intimidating when there were potential playdates and I couldn't offer to pick up DS' school mates because I don't know how to install the 2nd car seat into my car. Yikes.
@periwinklebee: Sigh. We have our will set up a few years ago. Thought we had picked the "best case scenario" guardian for DS in case something happen to both of us.... only that now my friend and I are no longer close friends. Argh! We talked about asking DH's 2nd brother to do it because he now has a steady girlfriend and the girl wants kids. I met them both together and they are decent (well, as decent as it can be through a few days of Thanksgiving visits). We haven't asked yet because we are cowards lol. Seriously, it is a gigantic responsibility to ask someone to take care of your child for life in case you die....
Not only do you have to ASK. You then have to figure out a time to ask the potential guardian to sign a document in front of a witness for the whole thing to come into effect. Believe it or not, we asked my friend back then, she agreed, we put her name down on the will, signed the master set of documents, but we still haven't had her sign that addendum thing.
I guess we'll continue to try our best to stay alive.
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@Sams Mom: Seems like it worked out well!
@catgirl: Ugh, yeah, it's good to hear others have pursued a similar strategy though.
@irene: Exactly, it's a HUGE and AWKWARD ask. As you say, friendships can drift apart. Sadly none of our initially close friends our local anymore, so despite trying I feel like many of my friendships have drifted or are at risk of drifting further apart. And even if not, most of my friends are childless or vocal about preferring a small family, so I can't imagine them being exactly enthusiastic about the prospect...
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@nana87: same. Until last year, I hadn’t had a car since high school (ahem, 20 years ago) and I’ve only had to drive a handful of times since (mostly when visiting my home town). I haven’t physically been behind the wheel of a car in going on 4 years, since my DH does all of the driving. Where we currently live, people drive on the left and there are tons of scooters and motorcycles which make me very anxious, so I don’t think I’m going to relearn anytime soon. But maybe if we have a car the next time we move I’ll relearn.
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@periwinklebee: we finally did our wills after #2 was born. We eventually agreed upon my mom knowing that we might have to change it as she ages. I think it’s so much more important to get something done than to have it be perfect. Once you get the document written, it’s easy to change the guardians listed at any future time. My mom is in great health now / with it but of course that could change. It’s not perfect for several reasons but the biggest thing we thought through was, if we both die our kids will be in a horrible emotional place. What they would need most is love, comfort and stability. Staying with a loving grandparent they know well would hopefully provide that. We don’t have close enough friends that feel like family, and to me that is what you need in order to ask friends. It’s really hard with people being so transient now. Anyway just throwing in my 2c!
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@periwinklebee: I completely understand. We are in a similar position - it would be hard on my parents to raise 2 young boys. We have them listed for now and my brother and his wife as a backup. I don't think my brother wants kids, but I know my sister in law would step up if need be. She is a teacher and likes kids but I don't know if she would be too happy to raise ours. Honestly, I have some friends that I would love to ask - but how do you ask a young family with 2 young boys of their own to take ours if we die? And I felt like it would offend all the grandparents in our lives. So trust me, I get it. We have my parents for now. Hoping it never comes to fruition and we would leave enough money behind to help whoever had to take them be comfortable and hire out care to help. Ugh. Makes me want to cry to even think about it.
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@irene: at least in our state, you don't have to have the guardian sign anything.
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@psw27 @periwinklebee I'm a lawyer with 2 kids and I don't have a will either! (shame) I'm not worried about assets so much, but I don't know who our kids would go to if something happened to us. We don't have any good options. So that is why I haven't done it - we have to think about it. His parents are too old, my mom is probably too old and generally not up for it, my only sister is much younger and works about 70 hours a week and would not be up for it. One of my husband's siblings *might* be okay but they live super far away and it would be horrible and traumatic for the kids, plus they're in their 50s so IDK. We don't have any friends close enough to ask something like that of.
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Confront racism and classism as it comes up in the workplace. Improve on stepping down from my own biases and consumerism.
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I've never done any car things like change a tire or changed the oil myself. I don't know much about cars other than how to drive them haha
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Re: the will thing. I got a wild hare about all this last year and I researched and consulted and we made a plan and then just needed to hire someone to make it all legal--and then we hit a roadblock. So we left it, to "make some decisions" and we still haven't finished the damn thing.
Here's our problem (are we the only ones with this issue?). We finally agreed that we would want DH's sister to take our kids. They already have 3 kids, but their parents is most closely aligned with ours, they are in a good place financially, *if* DHs parents were still alive at that time, then they live nearby and could help. We would have to set up some trusts with our money--some to go to his sister and her husband, to aid in the financial aspect of taking care of our kids; some to go directly to our kids in disbursements when they are 18, 21, etc. We trust his sister/BIL to do the right thing with any money they receive from us in the event of a tragedy where we both die.
So, done deal, right?
NO. Because they live in Canada, and we live in NYC area of US, and even if it's in the will, they can't just come and take our kids. Immigration issue. So we're stuck. We can still put them in as our final guardians, but nothing could happen overnight and we still need an American guardian, and the guardianship could last for who-knows-how-long...could be months, years, ? I don't know how long it would take for them to get some kind of adoption visa for our kids to move there.
So back to the drawing board. We have to have a plan A and a Plan B. For temporary guardianship of a few weeks, I would pick my mother. Even DH's parents could do it, because they are dual citizens of US/Canada, so they could come and live here temporarily in our house with the kids until they could take them to Canada. But our parents are all in their late 60's-70s, so who knows what kind of health they'll be in. So we need a good Plan C. =(
I have only 1 sibling that I would trust with my kids for more than like, 24 hours. And she's also the only one I'd trust not to mismanage any trust going to the caretaker of the kids. BUT she lives in Georgia now, and she and that BIL are also super, super evangelical Christian. They also spank (not as a first discipline option and it's not the only type of parenting they do, but it is used as an option). We aren't religious and we certainty don't spank. And we can write whatever we want in some kind of guardian guidelines, but we can't enforce it if we're dead and gone, right? I just don't want them semi brainwashing our kids to be evangelical Christians and erasing their culture (my husband is hindu).
So, what to do. Put his sister as Permanent Guardian 1, with our 3 surviving elderly parents as Temporary Guardian 1, with my sister as Temporary Guardian 2?
Now that I write it out, it seems like the obvious solution. But last year, it was just blowing my mind and I was struggling with it all a little.
WWYD?
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Also it can get tricky, because when I was going down this path of research last year, I found out that even if a will specifies a certain guardianship protocol (temporary guardian 1 gives kids to permanent Guardian 1 when immigration is cleared up), at that stage, the temporary guardian can make a custody case and can ask for permanent custody. And then it also becomes a "keep kids in their country of origin" issue, and some judges may make a wildcard decision.
This kind of thing sucks. Obviously, we need a plan, but it's not easy thinking about all the "what-ifs".
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I have never changed my own flat tire or jumped a car without assistance. Thank you AAA roadside service
We actually just signed our will last week. It was on my maternity leave to do list after #2 was born and we accomplished it. We are fortunate to live in the same state as my in-laws and chose my MIL as Guardian Option 1 since she is retired and regularly cares for our boys. FIL is great but he would not be in a position to care for them alone so if something were to happen to MIL we named my SIL as the second guardian option. Thankfully they have a good relationship with my family so I am not concerned about visitation.
The hardest part of getting our will done was thinking through all of the scenarios and the best way to care for our boys if something should happen to us. Not a fun exercise but I already feel some relief that it is all down on paper now.
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@Anagram: my son has citizenship in two countries, and as of right now, our plan is for my parents to take over if something were to happen today.
The thing is, the guardians I would choose if my parents aren't living are actually in another country, so that does add a layer of complication to the whole soup.
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Done my own taxes. Heaven help me, I've never done my own taxes.
My mom used to do them and they were pretty much the same every year because I had the same job, no property, no kids, nothing complicated. Now DH does them and it's a new kind of complicated mess every time for various reasons. I help with bits and pieces, but I think I'd lose my mind if I had to do it all from start to finish.
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@bhbee: Thank you for sharing your approach, super helpful... And exactly on friends not being close enough to feel like family, and that's what it would take... I have only one friend who I would maybe feel close enough to, thought still not quite on the family level, but she is an adamant one and doner, so not exactly like she would be enthusiastic about it...but maybe as a secondary for the time being would be an unlikely enough scenario that nbd...
@psw27: "makes me want to cry"... exactly...
@MrsADS: Ugh, it's so hard...
@Anagram: grrr, immigration throwing a wrench in everything is super annoying. Do you know how difficult it is to get adoption visas in Canada? My impression is that they are one of the most straightforward countries about visas, so maybe it would be pretty unlikely to be years?
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@Anagram: I'm not a Canadian lawyer by any means and this seems over my head but... I will say that since Americans can enter lawfully into Canada and stay for 6 months, I would imagine that if they had lawful permanent guardianship, they could apply for adoption while the children remained with them in Canada. I don't think it would hurt to ask a Canadian immigration or adoption attorney what they would suggest to cover all bases!
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@Anagram: Ok a quick look on their website says that processing time for family sponsorship of dependent children is 9 months. I would assume that Canada has their sh*t together and would let the kids stay with the guardians for those 9 months. I'd find someone to confirm though!
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@Anagram: your situation really made me think about ours. Is everyone in your family (your parents, your other siblings, etc.) aware of the plan that your kids would go with your SIL in a worst-case scenario? In our situation, I would want my ILs would take our LOs, but my dad would be up for it too, and has even said he would do it (but for many reasons, I wouldn't want my dad raising my LOs if my ILs are still able). Problem is they live on different continents and don't share a language, so it would be really sticky to sort it out. We've never actually talked to either set of our parents about this concretely, and I'm wondering if we should do this sometime soon...and how to bring it up....@looch: maybe you could chime in too since you are in a similar situation?
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@Mama Bird: SAME! My dad did them, then my brother for a couple of years, now DH does them....and he found a mistake last year that he made for a few years in a row and cost us a couple of THOUSAND dollars (we got it refunded). We're hiring a professional this year, haha.
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We also haven't set up guardianship and my husband is a lawyer. For the same reasons as a lot of people most of our friends don't have kids and it feels like a burden and I don't love my sisters parenting styles so that leaves our parents which gets harder as they age. I like others have not done my own taxes it was my mom first an accountant and now my husband.
Speaking of wills and such made me remember one thing I have done, talked to people about my wishes for my death and also talked to my parents about their wishes. It's a really hard conversation to have but really necessary. -
@snarkybiochemist: RE: "talked to people about my wishes for my death and also talked to my parents about their wishes" - oh boy
I was just doing that just half a year ago when my mom passed away. It was a whole can of worms on its own...The other thing that was terrible about the will is appointing an executrix / executor for your will, as in the person who literally have to execute your will. The lawyer said it was a big job and we casually wrote down my BIL for it lol. Yes we know it is a big big task, but I didn't understand the magnitude of it until I now become the executrix of my mom's estate. Oh boy. There should be a reality show about being the executrix of someone's will/estate! It is no joke. Even if my mom said in her will she would like to donate xyz to a certain charity, it is a b**ch to execute because the charity may not even want it depending on what it is! And you can't even say, well you don't want it I'll take it back, because the deceased has it down on the will and he/she can not come back to life to change her mind. Not to mention I physically live in a different country! The above is just one hoop amongst many I need to jump through. So there are a lot of back and forth with the lawyers and I am not even sure how much the lawyer will charge me when it is all said and done.... It is physical and emotional turmoil.
With that said, It is beyond nightmare if someone indeed have to take care of my child in the case of my + DH's death. Executrix is just dealing with paperwork and lifeless things and it will eventually pass. Guardian deals with a person / people who constantly grow, where you have to constantly make decisions for him/her while providing adequate and proper discipline so they don't turn out to be drug addicts. To be honest, had anyone asked me, I highly doubt I would agree to become someone's guardian in this situation, and I only have one child ....
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My thing is some major PP bodywork and cs (scar tissue) healing, but I had a first appointment today. I cried. (DS is 27 months.)
@irene: I’m sorry about the trials with your mom’s sudden passing. My brother passed away recently too and that made “getting things in order” pretty real for me. I worked on it last year and still have some pieces to work out. He died of an unintentional opioid overdose so the notion of wanting even my own LO to “not turn out to be a drug addict” will be a parenting stressor for me for sure, much less a child than I could help to rear (if I were a guardian) who lost (tragically) their parents.
It’s just interesting that a lot of PPs are worried that guardianship is a big ask. It truly is, don’t get me wrong, but personally I would be so honored if any of my dear friends or family asked. And I’m an “adamant one and doner” in a sense, but would be open. Maybe I’m in the minority?
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@Amorini: I think maybe people say they’re worried it’s a big ask, but what the large hesitation they may be really feeling is “I don’t want to think about dying and not being there for my kids”. It’s very scary. We set it up when our first kid was 6 ish months, maybe 8. I was getting antsy thinking of no plan being laid out and we were starting to go out occasionally together at night on dates without our kid.
I feel the same as you though. I would say yes for a dear friend in a second and know they would for me.
For the original post, there are is a huge list of things I should be able to do as an adult. I have paid bills and have been shown how to change a tire as a child, but could I do those things well now? Probably not.
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@lamariniere: We've discussed it informally, but never made it formal so everyone we discussed it with may or may not remember the entire plan. My mom has been through my dad's passing, both of her parents, and all 3 of her siblings. She is the last survivor of her generation on her side of the family--so she's been through all of this and she is super on top of her will and her estate. She sends all 6 of us kids her updated will and plans every time she makes changes. So we already know who the executors of the will will be, who is in charge of the sale of her house, what the money situation will be, and who will be the legal guardian of my adult sister (who has severe mental illness and can't live on her own). And my sister, that I mentioned above, has a formal will and guardianship/trust set up for her kids, and my husband and I are the 2nd backup guardians if my mom is not around or not capable. So when they sent me those documents to sign (in both cases, I am an appointed guardian, so I had to sign and send back), I verbally mentioned to them the plan. And I asked my sister to also be my "second backup", after DHs sister.
But that was 2 years ago, and who knows if they would remember it now? That's why we have to get it settled, get it in writing, and get it signed. I'm putting it back on my to do list.
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@irene: yes, executing a will can be realllllly difficult. ESPECIALLY if people do not have good counsel and they have a frankenstein will. My grandparents had that, and it has taken literally EIGHT YEARS for their estate to be finalized. They lived in a rural area and owned a lot of farm land that was cut into different parcels. Some were not adjacent. Some didn't even have road access. So you can imagine the pain of trying to sell all that off. It's not surprising that there aren't a lot of eager buyers for rural land that's not connected to anything, not even a road.
But in the meantime, my mom still had to pay the property taxes on all this property, she had to hire a realtor, because my mom doesn't even live in this state. An attorney in that state. A second attorney that specialized in real estate. She had to go to the county to try to apply for road access (that's a whole process). And she HAD to do all of this, because my grandparents had some scheme where the left the proceeds of their state in equal parts to all their remaining children (4 of them) but the estate was split into 5 equal parts, and the 5th part was split into their 3 favorite charities.
What this means legally is that nothing can be done (property can't be sold, decisions can't be made) unless the 3 charities ALSO legally sign off on it. You can imagine what a nightmare that was. Try getting 3 different national charities to sign a document saying they are okay with the sale of a random rural parcel of land.
Just.....work with a decent estate planner. Work with an attorney who knows what they are doing so you can ensure your executor isn't left with a nightmare.
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@Anagram: thanks for your thoughts. I’m gonna have to bring this up with DH and try to formalize something with my ILs.
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@Anagram: OMG, reading that hurts my HEAD!!!!!!! HAHHAHAHA! Mine is a piece of cake compared to yours then!
My mom had these assets that she would like to divide and donate to several charities (thank God they are not farmland with no access roads lol). Except some wouldn't take donation that is not cash! So now we have to figure out how to sell it in order to execute her dying wishes. This amongst many little things. I KNEW that if my mom were still alive right now and realize how ridiculous that her *wishes* were to be executed, she would have said, no, no I am no longer donating to these particular charities that do not take the assets as is.
I am with you on property taxes (for my case, my childhood home). And all the other miscellaneous bills. Grrr. AND, you can't really open a bank account in certain foreign countries if you are a US citizen, as everyone else outside is afraid of our complicated tax rules and they don't want to get in trouble. So I can't even set up autopay! Nowadays my stress is how many months do I prepay each of these things when I actually go back again (and they can not be paid online. GRRRR). And, the MAIL that comes all the time.....
I am working with a pretty decent lawyer (well, haven't gotten the bill yet
), so yes, things could have been worse. So I should be thankful...If I were to die, I'd make sure I consolidate everything to one bank, shredder and throw away EVERYTHING and leave everything to a minimum (so DS wouldn't have to throw away and shredder a huge amount of junk like I had to, while mourning). And maybe I'll appoint an enemy / person I didn't like as my executor hahaha
In my will (when we come around to revising it, if ever) I'd have the "If/Then" clauses lol (eg. If so-and-so won't take this as is, they will not get it).
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@Hypatia: if it’s any consolation most people exclude/ don’t name children’s spouses in their wills. Divorce is too common, wills get updated so infrequently, and parents don’t want their estate going to ex spouses. My DH isn’t named in my parents will, even though they love him. They assume I will share my inheritance with my partner, but leaving it in a trust to me allows us to leave it for our children/ their grandchildren if we choose to instead without taxation. I know your in laws are jerks though, but I figured that might give you some consolation.
I was just doing that just half a year ago when my mom passed away. It was a whole can of worms on its own...
), so yes, things could have been worse. So I should be thankful...
In my will (when we come around to revising it, if ever) I'd have the "If/Then" clauses lol (eg. If so-and-so won't take this as is, they will not get it).
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