So I have been really shocked this week to discover that almost every single person I know IRL plans to spank their kids as punishment. This has been really shocking to me, because I honestly didnt think people did this anymore. So I'm curious and creating a poll...do you plan to use this strategy? Do people you know?
I know this topic can get heated, but I am genuinly interested in reasoning behind both choices as well if you would like to share.
194 votes
persimmon / 1043 posts
I grew up with the occasional spanking but do/will not spank. I know a couple parents that do and in fact we are good friends, but it's just not for me/my family and doesn't align with how DH and I parent.
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
My FIL seemed shocked when I said that we don't spank. I don't think anyone in my family does. But DH's definitely does.
cantaloupe / 6059 posts
Oooh, I'm actually really curious about the poll results for this one!
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
We know many people who spank and not for what I would consider extreme measures either. Things like not listening, emotional breakdowns, tantrums, etc.
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
@coopsmama: Yes, unfortunately though spanking isn't a black/white issue for me so its hard to vote. I think like a lot of parenting things, sometimes "never say never".
pomelo / 5257 posts
That's a big "no way" for me. My parents have always openly felt pretty strongly about not spanking, so it's never really been a consideration.
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
We don't. I think I know some that spank or at least they threaten to spank.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
I didn't vote; I am anti-spanking but I don't ask other people what they do with their children so I don't know who in my circle does/does not.
To add tho, I come from a culture of spanking, and I def got spanked as a kid.
persimmon / 1445 posts
I will probably get a lot of flak for this, but... we do spank our 2.5 year old occasionally, and the parents we know are split about 50/50. The pro-spanking camp usually only spanks for certain circumstances (putting themselves or another child in danger after being told not to, repeated hitting), not for a tantrum or being disobedient once or twice. We use one or two firm spanks on the bottom using hands only.
cantaloupe / 6059 posts
@snowjewelz: Unfortunately, I know that a lot of my friends spank because they do it IN FRONT OF US which I personally find appalling. I think if you choose that method of discipline it needs to be done privately.
eggplant / 11824 posts
We do not spank. I'm didn't vote as I know people who do and people who don't, but this isn't something that I find myself asking other parents about because its none of my business and hasn't come up in conversation so I have no idea who spanks and who doesn't.
I definitely have FB friends who are vocal on both sides.
grapefruit / 4418 posts
Umm no absolutely we do not spank! I'm not sure if others in our group do, but if I ever witnessed it I would have a hard time remaining friends.
nectarine / 2964 posts
No. I do have a dear friend she is a great mother, but she did "spank" her child only on occasion that he didn't listen and almost hurt himself (ie. didn't listen, ran way off and could have gotten lost in the crowd). It wasn't a repeated action, just one "smack" on the butt or something, right there as a way to get his attention. I didn't see it happen but I know it happened. I was shocked but I do get it....
I do have to say though, after having a child, I understand why my mom spanked me when I was a kid. There are just moments. Lets just leave it at that.
kiwi / 526 posts
I don't plan to. I don't understand how you can teach a child not to hit another child in anger or in retaliation, and then spank them as a form of punishment. I'm not judging those that do, I was spanked as a kid and as a result was scared spitless of my dad. But, that was the point. I think it would go against what I want to teach my future kids though.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
I will not spank my child. I know many families that do and have seen it done in front of me. It makes me very uncomfortable.
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
@irene: Yes, thats why I kinda say "never say never".
@coopsmama: I know a mom who threatens "Do I need to take you into the bathroom". Thats not really great to hear either.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
@coopsmama: Ugh, that's awful. I either didn't notice before kids, or somehow is desensitized to it b/c it's the "cultural norm", or most people I see only do it at home...
persimmon / 1183 posts
Yes we will spank. We know some people, so I can't say most or a few.
If someone wants to "not be my friend" for my parenting choices, that's fine. See ya.
cantaloupe / 6059 posts
@T.H.O.U.: Right. Anything that potentially shames/embarrasses the child in front of others is just plain wrong. Even as an adult I still need correction occasionally whether it be from a superior through a job or even by my husband telling me that maybe my attitude or something towards someone is unkind BUT it never feels good to have that take place in public for all to hear. I don't know why parents think it's okay to treat kids the same way. (Except for like in play situations - if a child yanked a toy from another child, I have no qualms about saying "Oh ___, that's not very nice. Hand the toy back to ____." You know what I mean.)
grapefruit / 4361 posts
The research on the negative outcomes is just too clear for me. And I just can't fathom hitting someone, especially a child.
But I have a lot of parent friends that do it. It is a serious thing, not an out-of-anger. They warn, and then they follow through decisively and calmly. Honestly it's kind of creepy.
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
I think you need to add an "I don't know, yet" option.
I came from a culture where spanking is common but at this point, I don't see how I could do it. What my parents did may be considered more than just spanking and probably was abuse. So for me, I doubt I can or will spank my kids. I think it will give me flash backs to when I was spanked/abused.
pomegranate / 3706 posts
No. I was spanked, but we don't spank. (I have once, swatted with my hand on my DD's bottom, in desperation, and I will always regret it.) Spanking never sat well with me, and the recent 50 year study showing zero positive effects, and tons of negative ones, solidifies that even further for me. I don't understand the concept of physically hurting people, intentionally, to teach them anything through the sting of the emotional and physical pain. In our family, we don't hit, and that goes for everyone. Why would it be OK for me to hit my child, but not my husband? When people reach a certain age suddenly hitting them is disallowed? It makes no sense at all to me.
persimmon / 1233 posts
No spanking here! I think one of my friends tried it once and it didn't really work to improve behavior - I still think she's a great mom though.
We don't because we want to be role models for our kids and don't really get saying "I told you not to hit! So now I'm gonna hit you so you understand!" Huh?
I was spanked as a kid and have bad memories of it. It's harder but worth it to us to come up with natural consequences and keep our cool. Sometimes I wish I did spank though, because it would probably be easier to get our 3-year-old to listen/follow instructions! I do feel a bit ineffectual at times, but I don't want discipline to be driven by fear of physical pain.
pomegranate / 3872 posts
We don't plan to spank. I honestly have no idea if any of our friends do. I figured it was something most people would do at home and it's definitely not a topic of discussion in our circle. I would guess no based on generally observed parenting styles but I don't know.
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
I don't plan to spank, but as DH keeps reminding me I never raised a boy. We'll see.
For me spanking is not effective in deterring bad behavior, but I could say the same thing for most punishments- time outs, take away privileges etc. Children will act out and push limits no matter what. The difference between spanking and other forms of punishment is the physical aspect. I don't feel right purposely inflicting physical pain on my child. Since, correcting children is something that happens often I don't want my child to wince because he remembers the sting of my hand.
TBH, I don't ask other parents IRL if they spank or not and I have only witnessed one friend snatch up his kid in a physical way. The child wasn't spanked, but the dad did not "use his words."
honeydew / 7230 posts
@erinpye: Yes, agree 100%.
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I have boy/girl twins and my son is "all boy" in so many ways, and yet he is far and away not my more difficult/frustrating child. I really resent the mindset that boys need to be punished physically just by virtue of being boys.
As for the original question - I haven't discussed the issue with very many people. I wouldn't be surprised if some people I know spank their kids, but I've never seen it. My close friends, who I've had conversations about many parenting issues, do not spank, though.
blogger / pear / 1509 posts
We signed documents that said we would never use any kind of corporal punishment, including spanking, shaming, withholding food, etc. We never would've considered it anyway, but it's doubly important with kids who've been through trauma. I have seen friends do it and it was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.
nectarine / 2132 posts
We don't spank and both of us grew up in spanking homes.
I only know of one other family that I'm close with that doesn't spank. Not only that, but most of the people that I know do spank think it's bad parenting to NOT spank.
blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts
@Mrs. Turtle: im curious of this applies after adoption as well, or is this just while fostering?
I agree that this isnt a common topic of conversation among friends. It has only recently come up for me as we are dealing with some challenging behavior and i picked up a book that a friend gave me (which insists spanking is the only answer). It has also come up in conversation with a couple people as i have been sharing my own struggles with figuring out the best strategies.
I will add some more poll options!
blogger / pear / 1509 posts
@Mrs. Lion: Hmm. They certainly don't encourage it at all, and make a great case for how damaging it can be for kids who have been through trauma (ALL foster kids have been through trauma, it's not just abuse). But I'd imagine it's hard or impossible to enforce after adoption. Just because a kid is adopted doesn't take away their traumatic past, obviously, so I think the same logic would apply.
eggplant / 11861 posts
@coopsmama: 
yep, I have some friends that do that too along with smacking, it is hard to see!
When you dont agree!
I was spanked so was DH and we are anti-spanking
papaya / 10343 posts
@erinpye: Agree.
No we don't. Isn't that considered child abuse at this point in time? I didn't know ANYONE did it anymore (that wasn't like-- an abusive family). I guess I never asked my friends but I'd be absolutely shocked if they did.
grapefruit / 4545 posts
I'm not sure about our circle of friends...though I suspect it is pretty 50/50.
As for us, DH and I were both spanked as kids - but it was very rare ... Very very. I think I was spanked once or twice, DH the same. Always an instance of doing something very very wrong that could have caused someone serious harm.
Dh and I have left it on the table however it will also be in the rarest of circumstances and only at an age when our kids could process it appropriately. It would always be done in private...and only if both of us agree. For me growing up it was something that did not need to and was not done frquently...bc if was not a punishment that was over used...
Ex- one of the times I was spanked it was for shoving my sister into a street with car activity on it. She could have been seriously injured. It was don't privately when my mom took me in the house.
pomegranate / 3314 posts
We occasionally spank. To be honest, I'm not sure whether my friends spank as it's not something we discuss.
pomelo / 5000 posts
We don't and won't. Although I can imagine wanting to do something like a swat on a leg if she did something like run out into a street.
I was spanked a lot as a child, but I don't really have any memories of it. What I do remember, however, is a feeling of frustration and helplessness. I think spanking can add to that.
persimmon / 1096 posts
Like @erinpye: I did spank once and I have always regretted it. I didn't spank hard by any means, but it was 100% due to me feeling angry and desperate. I was sparked once as a child and don't feel like it was damaging or anything, and I would guess slightly less than half of the parents I know IRL use spanking to discipline. But I personally don't think I will do it again.
nectarine / 2152 posts
Nope. We don't hit in our house. Don't know anyone who does. And I don't think it's right, no matter the circumstance.
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