Hellobee Boards

@LCTBQE: is there a particular rush to do it now? When my older daughter was 1 our landlord told us he we selling our apartment, so we had to very quickly think about if it was the right time to move to the burbs. We both felt strongly that we were not ready- even though our long term plan had always been to eventually get a house in the suburbs. Fast forward two years and while we knew we would miss many things about living in the city, we were totally ready and excited to move on. It sounds like you will be unhappy if you move right now.

That said I think the biggest thing that would soften the blow of leaving the city is being walking distance to SOMETHING- whether it’s a small grocery store, coffee shop, library, heck even a CVS. Just being able to go somewhere without loading the kids up into the car would be nice.

Like I said, when we moved we really were ready (as in our younger daughter literally was sleeping in a pack and play in the bathroom). And it was hard at first, but we love it. We are in a nice neighborhood where we actually know our neighbors and the kids play in the street together, the mom down the street texts me that her daughter wants to know if we are coming out for a walk. Nature is lovely but it’s that neighborly-ness that makes t worth the inconveniences for me.

On the flip side, my sister and her husband moved to the burbs from Manhattan and her husband wants to move back because he just hates commuting. It’s a serious problem for them.

I was a city dweller (Chicago) for 10 years and never wanted to leave until following DH to VT for work four years ago. There are definitely trade offs--for example we can only walk to a couple of restaurants, and if we want to go to a hockey game it's an hour and a half to Montreal in stead of 20 min on the train. But, we found a place in Burlington that still has a lot of the things we value, like amazing fresh food and good, local music. Plus I've loved being able to have a garden (both vegetables and flowers) and DH has space to indulge his woodworking hobby. Really, if you can find a place that feels like you, you'll find the vibe that you have in a city on the main streets but with a little more elbow room on the side streets. If you don't want to live in the stepford-type suburbs there are definitely other options. I still don't like having a car, and would never want even a half acre lot, but our 1/4 acre is totally manageable to maintain, and never underestimate the value of not sharing walls with anyone you don't want to.

I know part of my reaction is pure craziness. 90% of the people I know who live in the suburbs seem really happy with their situations--they've made new friend groups, their kids have friends, it all seems fine. I'm sure you get used to it. I just can't get my brain and heart to align.

@Anagram: Like everything there are bad things and good things. I absolutely love gardening, which I never expected before moving somewhere where I had a yard to plant things in.

"The Suburbs" isn't just giant houses on 3/4 acre or more, with no sidewalks, right--there's a whole range. I live in the suburbs, but there are still three playgrounds within walking distance, and packs of kids who live in the neighborhood and roam around on bikes in groups of eight to twelve. We have couple neighborhood restaurants that we enjoy, and part of the reason we picked our house is because it's walking distance to a really fun live music venue. You have to choose what you value, but you can still have the things that you value.

There have Been a . Million NYC moms who feel like you do! I think it’s all about finding the right suburb. Have you heard of suburban jungle? I think they specialize in this. Are you in the UES moms Facebook group? Sooo much good feedback on suburbs that will help make the suburbs less scary. Full disclaimer, I say this all as someone who moved out of state by had we stayed in NY would have wanted to stay in Brooklyn all my life

I'm a Chicago girl living and working in the suburbs for the past 4.5 years and I miss that city with every fiber of my soul. BUT, I'm happy in the suburbs too. I love having the extra space. We lived in a one bedroom condo and my baby slept in a hallway with a blackout curtain as his room. We moved to a suburb with amazing schools and I'm eternally grateful to not have to worry about having to navigate the school process in the city. What my friends go through is crazy. But I partially blame my weight gain on the fact that I drive everywhere instead of walking. However, I would make the same decision again in a heartbeat as we could not afford to give our children the life we want to give them in the city.

But man do I miss the city. I'm hoping to take my boys downtown a lot more once the little one is done with naps.

I previously was a city dweller (PDX). We opted not to buy in the city both times we bought houses once was a suburb 15 minutes away and now a suburb 45 minutes away.

We bought in the downtown district of an amazing spot- college town, a dozen restaurants in close walking distance, grocery store, post office, lots of coffee shops and boutiques. We have been here for 6 years and LOVE it. We are super involved in our community- go to every event and DH is on city council. We walk to the library, park and DDs dance class.

Where we certainly were not lifelong city dwellers I loved it, DH wanted more space. It was just about finding the right suburb for us.

We live in a 1500sf 2bd 2ba in Hoboken with two adults, one almost 4yo, and two cats. The bedrooms are pretty small but the living room is nice and big and L-shaped (the L is our play area) and we do not feel too boxed in. I care less now about having access to culture because let's face it I don't have time for it. But I love love love living someplace walkable, and a major reason our life works is my commute is 40 mins max and usually shorter, and my job is flexible about working from home when I need to.

But now I am expecting twins this summer. We had not planned on three children! We were just hoping for two!

So, we are going cut our living room in half to build a third bedroom. The plan is to suck it up for five years and then assess. Hoboken has free universal prek3 and prek4, so we want to benefit from the equivalent of four more years of free preschool. I am skeptical of the older grades in the Hoboken school system, but I think my son should be ok through third grade at least.

At that point we will assess our situation in terms of finances, jobs, commutes, kids, schools, etc. I have the feeling this place is going to feel like a zoo for awhile though.

In contrast to me, my husband hates urban living and would love a big house to take care of. But he acknowledges that a longer commute would add a big strain.

If we do move to the burbs then I will have to find a job in the suburbs. I simply refuse to add more commute overhead in addition to juggling parenting and a full time job.

We are lucky that we bought our condo in 2012 before the housing market rebounded. I think we would be priced out if we were to buy now.

ETA: @LCTBQE have you considered looking into Hoboken or JC? They have a different vibe from Brooklyn, and neither is cheap. But both are still urban/walkable, and you will still get way more bang for your buck than in NYC. Maybe that is a good interim step for your family. And there are a ton of rentals here so you can test it out for awhile.

@LCTBQE: also, right after walkability/access to things, friends is my main concern. Most of my closest still live in the city. My sons friends too (I know he’s young and would make new ones, but im talking friends since he was a newborn, and not even my friends kids). OR for the friends who have moved out, the city is still where everyone comes back together. I like being where everyone meets up. The thought of having to schlep in on a train just to go to dinner since I SAH sounds like torture.
I do have some close friends in Westchester, but let’s face it - seeing them would still be like a half hour drive unless I live in their town. And the thought of having to drive for dinner also sounds horrible, because I want lots o wine on a girls night I love that part of the city too. No driving after a night out!!! Imagine if we were in the suburbs after the first night we met

Is changing jobs entirely and relocating to a more affordable city an option? I live in Baltimore and the cost of living here is reasonable, city life is still great, and there are tons of families raising kids in the city because they can afford to here. Might be worth pursuing a larger scale lifestyle change.

@LCTBQE no personal advice (we left a 600 sq ft studio in NYC for city living in another East Coast city with lower cost of living) but it sounds like where you are looking will actually be GREAT. If you were considering Westchester I'd be more worried for you, but Maplewood/Montclair are filled with like-minded people who wanted to stay but couldn't and so have made their towns as close to BK as possible! It will take a little time, but you'll find your coffee shop and music class and bookstore and then you'll start meeting people and saying hi to people on your walks (yes both are WALKABLE which will save you) and then when you want to go to Target or Trader Joe's it won't be the world's most annoying errand and you'll come back to your house where there's space for all the toys and it will be fine.
I have seen a lot of friends go through what you're dealing with and it's always hard, but it's harder when you HAVE to move (2 kids) and then sometimes you panic and make a snap decision. I think to look now when you have a little time will be better for everyone. HUGS!

@hilsy85: this is a really great point. @Ms.Mermaid: this is so true! We are getting a lot of people relocating from CA and I’ve met several families from NYC. Our COL has increased quite a bit over the last 4 years but if you have the budget it’s much less expensive than other major cities and we have a lot to offer.

@LCTBQE: I understand your reluctance to move to the suburbs! I grew up in the suburbs (of Chicago), and it was a wonderful place to grow up, but I have zero interest in suburban living for my family and me. I really don't think we'll ever leave the city (we're in downtown Manhattan). For us, that means continuing to rent indefinitely, but I'm okay with that. You might want to take a look at this "rent or buy" calculator the NYT published a few years ago - it's very interesting to see at what point it becomes financially better to buy vs. continue to rent. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/upshot/buy-rent-calculator.html

If you do decide to move to the suburbs, I'm sure you'll be able to find an area and friends that suit, and I imagine it's very nice to have more space! I just wanted to offer up the other perspective, that sometimes sticking with the city is a viable choice, even if it means renting long-term, if that's really where your heart is.

@LCTBQE: I forgot from before, what are your work situations like? General hours, commute to where, etc.

My biggest sticking point is: My husband already works semi-long hours in a job that isn't very flexible with working from home. I have a job where I can't work at home at all (education). Last night, for instance, he walked in the door at 8:23 pm. So about 25 minutes after I'd put the kids to bed. And he has a 30 min door-to-door commute right now. If we lived further out and the commute was say an hour, or more like an hour 15, or 1.5 hours, he wouldn't have been home till 9 or 9:30. That's just crazy.

And right now, I'm the one that leaves early in the a.m. He doesn't leave till 8. But again, if we moved further out, he'd have to leave at 7:30 or even 7:15. I would be working full time and solo parenting every single morning and evening and I just don't want to do it. I have friends that do that and they don't seem to mind, but I would be 100% resentful of that. Like, whose going to take the kids to sports as they get older? Just me, for the rest of forever? Whose doing all the school pick ups and drop off? Just me? We don't have any family around.

I could quit my job.....but I don't really want to, for a variety of reasons. My kids are OBSESSED with their dad. They are both totally daddy's girls. Right now, my husband walks my daughter to school every single morning, and he dresses her, and he makes breakfast for all of us. He's on morning duty.

I don't want to give all of that up. if he had a more flexible work-from home-policy, or shorter hours, or....it would be different. But with our current jobs, I'd rather have less space and more husband. haha.

@LCTBQE: Hi, fellow august 2016 mama! Congrats again on your pregnancy. I have no real advice because I've been a suburb girl my whole life. I was thinking I was in a city for college, but realized that, really, its actually a suburb, too! I echo the comments about having things in walking distance. It really helps. My own criteria includes staying within walking distance of a park, an elementary school and a restaurant with a full bar. It may be an uphill 1-mile walk one of those ways to that bar (hopefully not the return walk), but as long as I can get there on foot if I want to, I'm happy. I hate being stuck with a car. But there are tow-trucks in suburbs, just so you know. Good luck with whatever you do! House hunting can be fun!! (unless you are like me, 27 weeks pregnant with number 2, bidding on houses that have like 13 offers within one day of being on market and having your well-over-asking price rejected because your offer is contingent on selling your own condo that is listed as a hot home by redfin and already has offers... ugh. someone help me!) Good luck with whatever you do. Try not to stress out too much.It will all work out.

@Anagram: It truly sounds like a dream to me to watch my kids play in the back yard while I"m alone, maybe sipping a glass of wine and glancing at a magazine, and someone is landscaping my yard!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't it so funny how many different housing options there are and what different people like???

@LCTBQE: I’m in Hoboken as well; I think the ship has sailed as far as it being a better deal/getting more for your money. Maybe incrementally but it’s not a huge savings. We are weighing renting here longer or buying; but buying what we want and what will last us long term is $$$$$$. My momma friends who have moved to maple wood/Bloomfield etc all LoVE it there. They all said their biggest change they felt was driving to run errands. Their momma tribe and everything else fell into place because all of their neighbors are nyc transplants.
I’m there with you on lamenting what we “could have bought”. I was hard pressing my husband to buy a two family in bed stuy back in 2009/10. The area was very much in transition. But I look at what it sells for now