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I am so sorry you are struggling. I only have two kids, but adding a second was absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. My oldest was 4 at the time and absolutely did not want a sibling and talked non stop about how much she hated her. She acted out in the most difficult ways and she her behavior felt completely unmanageable. I cried every day wishing that I could have both my kids but separately in different lives because I could not imagine it ever being better. And my husband had a very demanding job so getting any break from the kids was non-existent. I still think back on that time and get emotional.

BUT. By the time my youngest was 2, and I was done nursing and she could play better with her big sister, and she was sleeping consistently, things got so much better. And it started to slowly get easier before that too, but by 2 I noticed a big difference. And now my kids are 3 and 7, my oldest is in school full time and they play together so nicely now. I mean they still fight a lot, but there are definitely lots of times where both of them are off playing and I can just let them be and do my own thing. And my oldest doesn’t hate her little sister anymore. She still has some challenging behavior, but she’s less physical in her outbursts so it feels easier to manage.
It will get better, even if it feels like it won’t. You are doing a good job.

Oh, and to manage during that time, one thing that was really helpful is I made a basket of activities my oldest could do by herself and I brought that out anytime I needed to do something with the baby. I only brought it out during that time to keep it special and exciting and it really helped to keep her distracted while I was busy.

I can’t speak to the 3 kids element, but my two kids are 6 and 2. I think once my 6 year old got into full day school, things started to feel easier. There was an added sense of agency and responsibility. In my experience, the oldest kid kind of sets the tone, and when our oldest was 4 and we were dealing with a newborn, things were so hard. 4 was a hard age for us! I’m sure the things that feel hard now will subside and be replaced by other hard things. It doesn’t negate how THIS season feels though. I’m with you on the reduced childcare. We are in the same boat. I’m trying to work solely from home and the 2 year old wreaks havoc every time I get on a phone call. It’s not for forever, but it is hard. Solidarity. ️

We have 3 kids - DS 8, DD6 and DS 3.5. We are finally feeling into the swing of things and that life is a little easier. I think this could have happened last year, but covid got in the way. Our youngest can play independently so easily and sweetly. Our oldest is def the most demanding- always wants to play a game or catch. Birth order is so interesting

When we had our third, we switched to an au pair for childcare rather than a nanny. That gave me a lot more help and flexibility. I kept saying “I feel like I have a wife!” when she first came.

@periwinklebee: I only have 2 kids, but they are 6 and 8 (turning 7 and 9 this summer) and life is easier in almost every measurable way. The only thing that is "harder" is sometimes logistics of getting them to activities on week nights and weekends, especially if they are scheduled simultaneously for the same thing. But I sign them up for activities myself, so it's mainly all in my own control and I know what I'm signing up for in advance.

Here's an example of how it's easier. My husband was just told on Wednesday that his boss wanted the all the directors to come in to the office on thursday AND come in early at 7:30am so they could have a big, global meeting with the London and Hong Kong offices. Well, my husband has been working from home for 2 years and just barely started going back into the office 1 day a week (on wednesdays) so our childcare situation reflects the fact that he is home--he is solely responsible for the daily school drop off for our kids at 8:05am, because I leave for work very early at 6:30-6:40am.

Anyway, we were in a childcare pickle because he'd have to leave at 7:05 to take the bus into the city. Luckily, he has a super short door-to-door commute of only about 20 minutes.

I didn't want to take an entire half day off work just to drop my kids off at school, but I would have had to to miss my home room and 1st period (I work in a middle school, so there's no flex time or coming late). So after thinking about it for a while we decided our kids are old enough to stay home alone for 35 minutes in the morning. And they are totally old enough--they are both really mature for their age, we already leave them for small periods to run to a supermarket or pharmacy (we live within 2walking blocks of each).

So we asked a neighbor whose daughter attends the same school if she'd walk our kids and they just stayed home alone watching TV for half an hour until the neighbor came to get them. Easy peasy. As of next year (4th grade) I would let my daughter try walking alone to school--its super close. And in 2 years, they'll both be walking to and from school alone. It's pretty amazing the parental freedom that comes as they get older. Now that covid is settling down a bit and our kids are vaccinated, I've been allowing 1:1 playdates, so sometimes on a saturday both girls are gone to a friends house for like 4 consecutive hours.

One of my friends with a 5th and 3rd grader (who are also mature) leaves them for short date nights--just like 1.5 hours total while she and her husband go out for dinner. They have a security camera at home, the kids know how to reach their parents, they live in a doorman building---it's really super safe and I can FEEL the freedom coming soon. haha

They are also so independent these days. They do their homework on their own, they clean out their own lunch bowls, they fold their old laundry (obviously I have to sort of make them do it, but they don't really fight me on it). I think in the next couple years, they'll be helping us clean the house as well (right now, they just have to tidy their own bedroom).

It's so easy these days! I know some people say "bigger kids, bigger problems", but I teach middle school and I've ALWAYS preferred older kids and it's more in my wheelhouse. Some of my friends have struggled a bit with our older kids and behavior but my personal experience is that every single year they get older, it's better and better for me as a parent. My kids are legitimately funny now...like they can make me laugh. And they can entertain themselves by reading chapter books in the car now. They eat without complaining and without my help. It's really a golden age of parenting for me.

Those are tough ages, no wonder you're tired! It will, no doubt, get easier. I have 3 kids - 7, 5 and 1.5. The transition from 2-3 was pretty easy for us and I think that was entirely because of the bigger age gap between #2 and #3. An infant and a 2 year is hard!! The hardest part of having 3, for me, is the logistics (drop offs, pick ups, managing 3 different kids activities and appointments) but they really are such a joy most of the time and the big kids are such a big help. Now that my youngest is 1.5 it feels like we are out of a lot of the baby stuff - multiple naps a day, bottles, different foods, lots of gear - and things are starting to feel simpler. You'll get there!

My kids generally can play together unsupervised around when they turn three, which is helpful. My older two, 6 and 8, have played together well for a long time, and my almost 3 year old has been joining in. Things also get easier when the baby STTN and when the baby transitions to food.

Having kids so close together makes things much harder when they are little, but will make things easier when they are bigger. They will have more similar interests, be more likely to be in the same activities, and be in the same school for longer.

@periwinklebee: just wanted to echo that our situation with 3 (oldest was 3y9mos when the youngest was born, middle was 16mos) stabilized significantly when our youngest turned 2. our youngest sounds a bit like your middle, so while for my older two i had found those toddler years delightful and generally easier, our youngest has been a little more aggressive & physically out of control, such that just keeping him safe can be exhausting. but he is finally experiencing huge leaps in his vocabulary (he turned 2 in november) and has settled down so much. it has helped that he gets to go to school a couple mornings a week now too. it is such a relief that they can all be quietly playing and i'm not immediately panicked that he's on a ledge somewhere. that's not to say that he doesn't grab his siblings toys multiple times a day and vice versa

also sleep deprivation plus (for me) breast feeding can feel really oppressive and endless. you're doing great and you are definitely in the hardest window--things will get so much better i am sure!!