My mom takes my daughter for a week during spring break and a week in the summer and this being her only grandchild, she goes all out on her. Case in point yesterday, she took her to Build a Bear to make 2 lions cuz my kid is obsessed with the Lion King, to a kid salon to get her nails done, to bungee jump and something else as well. She probably spent $200+ yesterday alone and that doesn't count new toys she bought her to play with at her house, new clothes, new shoes, etc. And while I really appreciate it and know that she does it all out of love, I also know that my parents really can't afford that kind of extravagance. They are both in their 60s working blue collar jobs, they jointly make less money than I do alone, and looking at retirement in 10ish years with very minimal savings and they've never owned a house to cash out on. I would never dream of stopping my mom from spoiling her only grandchild, but I also really want to reimburse her or thank her somehow. I've tried in the past to give my mom thank you gift cards but she just turns around spends them on things for my daughter. Should I just let this go or is there another creative way to give them something that she can't just turn around and give back? The only thing that's worked before is when I gave her a nail place gift certificate so I can do that but hoping to mix it up a little.
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Tough one! I would try to skip the money conversation all together. Go ahead and say something along the lines of ‘’You know she doesn’t need all these expensive things. She would be happy just spending time with you at your home/library/park.’’ Maybe make it about not wanting your daughter to be spoiled? Or wanting her to place more value in people then things?
If she kept it up I’d probably just drop it. Her finances. If you’re in a position to and it makes you feel better, you can create an account where you ‘’pay her back’’ for this kind of stuff. Then you would gift the account to her if she ever needs help financially.
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I was thinking either 1) give it to your dad if that's workable or 2) put money away in a high yield savings/CD to grow for her/them, if they ever need it
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I wouldn’t do a thank you gift but when you spend time with your mom treat her to lunch/dinner or do something nice.
We go to my moms 2-3 times a year. When we do I try to buy a meal out. If we are going lots of places I’ll fill her car with gas or go pick up some groceries even.
She doesn’t buy the kids tones of stuff but she does do a lot and these things she can’t give back!
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@JCCovi: I definitely don't want to stop her from doing all this, that's a lost cause lol. I've tried that before and it doesn't help and causes hurt feelings. She takes her to lots of places and really places a lot of value in time together, and I know that it really means a lot to her to treat her only granddaughter so I've let it go but I do bring up "let me pay you back" and she just brushes me off. I like the idea of an account. I'm just such a big appreciation person, I keep trying to figure out ways to both show my appreciation and give her back at least something and it's a struggle beyond just a thank you.
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@ALV91711: We definitely do that already, though she makes that hard too. The woman is ridiculously self sufficient LOL
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@graceandjoy: My dad won't take it either, but the account idea is an interesting one. We're already saving for potentially having to take care of my parents and my in laws given that neither have any savings/retirement benefits. I'd ideally like to do something more real-time to express my gratitude but might just need to think long term.
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@Mrs. Carrot: can you pay for their cell phone or utilities or something like that? Like prepay 3 months?
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When your daughter goes to spend time with your mom, do you see your her for the drop off or pick up? Maybe you can add some activity (meal out, fun thing to do) to enjoy together during pickup and cover the cost?
Or, does she take photos during their time together that she shares with you? Maybe you could make a calendar or photo book or something with these pictures that would be a special keepsake of the time they share?
I've also found a beautiful thank you card with a heartfelt note goes a long, long way when monetary or other gifts aren't as logistically possible.
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What if you give her gift cards to places she would take your daughter anyway? Lunch places, playgyms etc. Perhaps that way she won’t have to spend her own money.
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I would just let it be. You've tried to compensate her before and she doesn't want it. No one is forcing her to go all out, and I would suspect that she really enjoys spoiling her grandchild.
I would make a light hearted comment along the lines of "Oh Mom, you're totally spoiling her. Thanks for giving her such a great day." and leave it at that.
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@lindseykaye: Oh, a photo album is a great idea. She's big into pictures, the house is plastered in them. Unfortunately they live a few hours away so we only see them a few times a year in longer stretches like this and try to tack on all the things when we go.
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@Littlebit7: That's a great idea!
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@kiddosc: That's basically been my approach. She really does enjoy it so I don't begrudge her, I just feel really guilty given the income disparity.
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My parents are the same way and do so much my kids. I like to do homemade gifts cause money gifts make my parents uncomfortable sometimes. Maybe like an apron with handprints on it or a calender like a previous poster said. Pintrest has great ideas! Also maybe save some money in a small savings account for when they may need it or for when they retire. It has to be a secret though lol
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Can you send them on a weekend away? Or go away with them and your daughter and treat them?
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I feel like I’m a broken record for this product but what about a Nixplay digital frame? Then you could upload new photos on a regular basis for them.
Or gift cards to a nice restaurant? Someplace they like but not kid-appropriate that they could go to when you’re not there.
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@Mrs. Carrot: While to a lesser degree, this is my mom. She LOVES to spend money on everyone else. This is what she saves up her "fun money" for because it brings her so much enjoyment. I would take it like this: some people spend their money on gadgets and others purses, but your mom spends her extra money on making memories with your DD. If it makes you feel better, you can encourage free activities, or have your dd "save up" her own money to spend during her weeks with grandma, and set aside some rainy day money for your parents that you gift to them at retirement. Maybe your daughter could write or draw a little thank you note after visits? I'm pretty sure your mom knows you appreciate it.
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I would maybe buy groupons or gift cards to some of the places they go and say, “a friend gave this to us and I thought you might like to take her”. That’s what we do with my in-laws and they are fine with it but otherwise weird about money. Or a membership to their local children’s museum or science center so they can take her?
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@kiddosc: This is my reaction as well. Although maybe she's saving in other areas to do so, it doesn't sound like she's spending money she doesn't have and is actively seeking out chances to do these things, as opposed to being cornered into spending money by choices you make, so I would just respect her decisions and say thank you. Handwritten cards, etc. from your daughter sound like a great idea as well
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@Mrs. Champagne: This would be my dream but my dad has a tough work schedule and my mom won't let me pay for anything! I'm hoping once he retires at the end of the year I might be able to convince them.
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@crazydoglady @nwm: I really appreciate that perspective, thank you. This is definitely her. She's not a big spender in any way, and I know it's not a burden for her to treat my child and this is her only grandchild and it makes her happy, I just have a hard time shedding my working class upbringing/guilt about it (fully self imposed lol).
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Does your Mom have any consistent/standing self care appointments like getting her hair done? I know when I was younger my grandma did a weekly blowout and monthly hair treatments. She babysat us when my Mom was in university so when my Mom graduates and got her first teaching job my parents went and pre-paid for a years worth of services as a thank you.
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In some way, I'm sure it makes her proud that she can spend some money on your daughter ya know? Maybe just let her have that? 🤗
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What about a meal delivery service for the week after your visit? Because you "just know they'll be too worn out to cook after all that fun!"
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Our parents don't "go all out" in that sense, but since they are all retired and on fixed incomes, we do encourage them not so spend on our kids. My husband's parents are pretty okay with that (in the past, if they've mentioned buying a gift for our kids for some occasion, we just ask them what they are planning to get and then we tell them it's cheaper to order it in the U.S. (which is true) and we just order it and give it "from them".
My mom will come into town and say she wants to take us all somewhere, her treat, and I just don't let her. Because I know exactly what she's living on retirement-wise and she's okay for herself but she's never going to have MORE income than what she has right now, and she also has my little sister who will never be totally financially independent. Anyway, I also don't want to embarrass her, so I'll say "Oh, that sounds like a good idea" and then I'll search for deals and buy the tickets/whatever and then tell her how much it costs and I'll cut the price by half or something, haha. We also pay for her flights and stuff to see us, when she's coming to help us out--always. One of my siblings made a snarky comment once about how we're the favorites because my mother comes to visit us the most (I am one of 6 and we are spread from L.A. to NYC and everywhere between), and I said we pay for her to come visit because we need help with small kids sometimes and they were shocked. Like it never crossed their minds to pay for our mother to visit them. I was like....that's why she comes to see you 1x a year and comes to see us 3-4x. She's not paying when she comes to see us.
Anyway, recently my mom told my kids she wanted to take them to Sesame Place when she comes to visit next. Her treat. They are understandably excited. I looked up tickets and if you don't catch a deal, it can be $75/person. Plus $20 in parking. Plus anything else you might buy (food or drinks). For 5 of us, that's a really expensive day for my mother to be financing. So I watched deals for a while, then bought a season pass for myself, that comes with free parking and $18 guest tickets, and now when she comes, I'll let her buy 3 $18 guest ickets for her and the kids, My husband won't go (he's not interested anyway) and now she'll pay less than $60 total rather than $370. Win-win. She gets to take the kids somewhere special, and she gets to maintain her dignity, but I can make sure my mom is not putting her own financial priorities over her desire to do something nice for grandkids occasionally. She has 8 grandkids, so she would be bankrupt if she went all out on all of them, all the time.
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