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I think change is difficult, period. It's never easy to just move where you live, but think about all the things that are not going to be an adjustment...you know the language, you know how to get around, understand the customs, can make friends.

What is it that you want to do, if you were the breadwinner? Is there anything from that plan that you can leverage?

@hilsy85: That's such a tough situation! Have you guys talked about what happens if he can't find a job in that field? Would you be okay if you ended up having to move again for a job in a different city?

I moved across the country after i got married because academic jobs are hard to come by. The first few months were really tough, but things got better once i found a job i really liked. We talk about moving back to our hometown, but honestly, i get sad and anxious when i think about leaving behind the life we have built in this city of ours. But he now knows that because i also have a great job, he can't just make these decisions on his own.

I'm guessing it must be tough since he is currently the breadwinner. I think it's better that you talk all of this out now - so what if you're being negative, these are your concerns? I think it's only fair you get everything out now, because it's worse to be resentful 3-4 years later if things don't go the way you both planned.

It's okay to grieve now - your feelings are completely valid!

I'm so sorry - no advice, just that I understand - the possibility of a move away from our hometown is always looming and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I love living minutes from my family and I don't know what I'd do without their help.

My coping mechanism is to not think about it. Haha. Not great advice, I know. So sorry

Well, I guess my answer changes depending on whether or not you're "all in" or if you're still trying to see if you can convince him to stay put in NYC.

If you're definitely moving, then I would say none of the places you've indicated for aerospace engineering programs are awful places to live. Truly. Somewhat understandably, they are all near major airport hubs, most of them (except maybe not DC and CA) are much more affordable, but even those places are cheap compared to NYC, and all have really bustling economies. And they ARE or near great places to visit and travel. So I guess in terms of where you COULD have ended up for grad school, these places are pretty much as good as it gets, other than not having an NYC presence.

I would probably say pick a school where you'd be comfortable settling after graduation. A lot of those companies hire directly out of school in those regions, and while its totally possible to move to another area, many jobs are likely near where those other programs are based and you may not want to uproot your lives again in 2 years. Take some weekend trips to go visit and dream in those areas, see if you can picture yourself living in that big grand GA house or near the beach in CA or FL. Or maybe you would feel happier in a place where people are culturally "warmer" or "nicer," like Michigan, or GA/TX. Having lived in these places, I can also say both N. and S. CA and DC are tougher places to be a grad student, but it is a great longterm place for families - excellent schools, great job prospects in that industry, so many fun kid-friendly places to visit, so much culture and great restaurants, and for DC, that 2 hour Acela train to NYC is really easy and fun.

I think grad school is actually a good transition for young families living away from home for the first time. In large university towns there are SO many grad students and SO many young, transient families that are in the same boat. You WILL find other parents in the same situation and your husband will probably find colleagues who are dealing with the same thing. I live by a large national research university and its just teeming with grad parents at the parks, supermarkets, etc. You will find that these towns also tend to abound in kids classes, activities, free shows, libraries, and museums. There will also be lots of odd job opportunities in a town like this - meaning there will be lots of college and grad students looking for babysitter and nanny gigs, and there will be chances for you to take on part-time jobs and even full-time positions through the school or in the local community. These towns are used to employing students with class schedules, long school breaks, and weird hours, so balancing a job with small children could actually be more doable.

Your husband will also get breaks in school and you can go back home for more extended periods of time, or you can pack up the kids and go home for a while when he's cramming for finals or whatever, if your work schedule allows.

@hilsy85: where in PA is your DH interviewing? I'm on the main line so if you end up here let me know and I'll add you to my mom group!!

As you know we went through this recently moving from nyc to pa, new job for me and remote situation for DH. Overall it's been working out great and we are much happier but now we are in your shoes - DH's job has turned sour and he's super unhappy. Right now he's interviewing for jobs in our field but still a career change.. It's going to take a while because he is more experienced and there are less opportunities out here but our backup plan is actually for him to be a SAHD! The thought of going down to one (my) income is SUPER scary for me and I worry about whether he will find staying home fulfilling.. But I want him to be happy and right now he's NOT.

I kind of see it that life is short and while you want financial stability there is no reason to unnecessarily toil away in a job/career you hate. We will have to make some major adjustments but if the price of happiness is taking a big risk like this I say go for it. Good luck and let me know if the job in pa works out! A lot of people don't realize how close we are to nyc.. One of the major upsides to moving here if you have roots in NY.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'd feel called to totally support that. A fulfilling career is huge, obviously, and if he's the breadwinner for your family, it's crucial. But what about the support and connection with your family? What about the life you love? I'm not sure that these are less important than one of you working towards a dream job.

If it was reversed, would you feel comfortable asking him to leave his city and his family and his support network to allow you to pursue your dreams? The answer to that might help clarify things for you.

We made the move away from family and friends just over two years ago and although it wasn't easy leaving the only town I'd ever lived in, we're really enjoying our new town and lifestyle!

Yep, change sucks but the other way to look at it is to view it as an opportunity to do something completely new and exciting! New places to visit, new people to meet and a chance to be anything you want to be in your new town! And home is wherever you're wee family is

Has your DH talked to people in the field? My in-laws all are engineers who worked at NASA and they are now in other positions because there are so few jobs. Also, most have degrees in electrical or mechanical engineering, not aerospace. They work with people with aerospace degrees, but most people in their companies have a more generic degree. The generic degree was especially helpful with the NASA cuts-- they could find other projects. If he goes that route, there's tons of amazing programs and jobs near NYC.

DH is in the military, so we move every few years. We tend to always move somewhere where I know no one. I usually do a lot of research about the area and see what it has to offer. Keeping myself busy when I get there helps. And also looking into activities where I can meet people (I'm in a running group and a moms group). I also work, which I think keeps me the most sane.

@hilsy85: I agree with @pollywog that there are multiple ways to crack this nut. I'm not sure what your husband's original engineering background was, but aerospace engineering is SUPER specialized, even for engineering so I would definitely think he'd have to be really super sure that's what he wanted to do before jumping in!

In the case of my husband, he has a background in mechanical engineering and now uses that degree as a patent attorney. He was directed to Mech. E. in college because he was going to get this super stable job right after college and he was in the military as an engineer for a few years until they started outsourcing all the engineering jobs to contractors and they basically nudged him out. So he toyed with going for an MS in electrical engineering because that's where so much of the work was going (unless he wanted to switch to bio-chem or computer science degrees) but opted not to because he wasn't sure exactly what kind of work that degree would get him. A lot of his colleagues in Mech. E. moved on to doing shipping/boating/navigational related engineering, which is lucrative, but its definitely tied to being near major ocean ports and waterways (lots of folks down in the Gulf area).

Others went on to get MS and PhD's in other kinds of engineering, like civil engineering, but like @pollywog said, you can get employers to pay for those degrees for free while working. DH's best friend was based in DC and Charleston while pursuing his MS and PhD's in North Carolina and Mississippi and he was able to do so going out to campus for a few weeks at a time for certain courses or whatever and completing the rest of the work remotely. He has not paid for either of those degrees.

DH went a different path and decided to go to law school instead, partially because there was a few years after he had to leave his engineering position where he was doing non-engineering work. Patent law requires you to have a hard science background, so he was able to pass the registration exam and be a patent agent while in law school and then he became a registered patent attorney once he passed the Bar. Now he's a patent attorney in private practice as well as a business law professor at the undergraduate and graduate level and financially he does fine. He also gets a fair amount of business from his old friends who are still IN engineering!

He still thinks electrical would have benefited him more now as a patent attorney if he wanted to go into in-house or big firm jobs, since that's where a lot of the work is these days, but we've done just fine with his mechanical background.