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When we travel with DHs family his parents usually cover the big costs (hotel, airfare/gas, most meals, etc.) and we usually cover the smaller stuff for ourselves. Since thy do that we usually don't fuss too much over what they decide, BUT we're in a very similar situation as you right now trying to plan a trip to Dinseyland. We were going to go alone and they wanted to come and are trying to get us to go at a time of year we don't want to go, etc. I feel like we get a way bigger say since we're mostly paying our own way, but we'll try to compromise with them a bit. Maybe in your case you guys can put preferences into a hat and draw them?

Cost: With my family we split everything equally. My mom and I are both very straightforward and budget minded (in terms of having a plan, not in terms of being cheap) so it doesn't cause conflict. I was always raised to "pay my own way." With my ILs, they pay for everything. They see that as a way to show their love and they shut down any convos about us paying for anything.

Decisions: In my family, my mom and I are the main ones in our group of 5-6 that make the decisions... the husbands and my brother & his GF usually just go along with our plans. With my ILs, it depends on the group.... if it's just MIL and FIL, we usually plan the place and activities, and they pick the hotel and car, since they pay. If it's all the ILs including the kids, the families with kids have more sway in all decisions due to the particular needs of kids.

"Picking a place": With both families we float around ideas for a couple of months. Luckily most people/our parents are pretty flexible and we all enjoy the same things. We just want to spend time together, ultimately.

My husbands parents usually pay for everything when we vacation with them. When my family vacations we all split the cost. We honestly have never had an issue finding a place but we usually go to the same place and all like renting in the same area. When we vacationed with my MIL we basically just told her it needed to be dog friendly since we would have to bring our dog Our daughter was only 4 months so we just asked for a room further away from the common area so it was quiet for naps and bedtime.

We have rented houses with DH's brothers and mom for Christmas, though before we had kids. We discussed where to go throughout the year- that decision hasn't been too bad, DH and one BIL just want golf the rest of us just want warm enough. Generally his brothers don't want to do much work finding the place so DH and I do most of the research and work with his mom. Then we show places to his brothers and give them a chance to voice their opinion which the usually don't. DH and I get the master because we are the only couple and in the only in law so I get my privacy. everyone chips in, but DH and I have paid a little extra since have the biggest room, but not double since we still only have one room.

Should be interesting the next time since we will have two kids and BIL in engaged and I assume his fiancée will come.

My side of the family are big planners so when we go with my parents, my dad does most of the planning and they pay for mostly everything, we try to take them out for a nice meal and pay for our entertainment. My dad is great at researching and taking the needs of our family into account and we trust his to plan something great.

DH's family doesn't travel and doesn't plan. The youngest BIL is graduating from university this spring and we couldn't find a hotel to be able to stay over, they were all booked, so I researched a big vacation house and pitched the idea for the whole family (mil and FIL and 6 siblings with spouses and kids - including us). It took a lot of pestering but people are finally sending us money to split the costs evenly. It has queen beds and a master....I'm really hoping we get he master as we planned it and it has a king, and we are the only ones who's co sleep. DH is also the oldest sibling and we will likely be the first to arrive at the rental house, and probably stay the most nights. It hasn't been diacussed yet tho. I'm currently trying to organize a meal sign up so that each couple signs up to bring and make the food for each meal while we are there.

We vacation with my parents and brother and SIL. My parents pay for the house and we pay for groceries and some meals out. The house we've rented most often has rooms with a king (parents take that), queen bed (let bro and SIL have that), two fulls (we take this, more comfortable to sleep apart since we're used to king) and twin bunks (DS sleeps there.). Parents get their own bathroom and the rest of us share. Usually works out fine.

With my family, we typically split everything but everyone tends to be in agreement regarding what we're looking for so no issues there.

With my in-laws, they usually pay for the rental house and we provide meals/entertainment. Since they're paying for the house, they pick it. Occasionally they've narrowed it to 2 and put it to a majority vote.

We also have girls weekends with me, MIL, SIL, DH's aunt and a family friend. For those we split everything evenly but MIL picks the house because she's the biggest type-A planner in the group.

@catomd00: Agreed! While it's nice if you can find something with all Kings and Queens, that isn't always an option. The parents should definitely get a larger bed and SIL can sleep on the Twins. DH and I have done that so many times!

we've only gone on parent-paid vacays so they pick. but to be fair, the only reason we've gone on the vacays is because they are paying. if i'm paying, i wouldn't pick the places they do.

My mom came for part of our vacay last year and she paid for two nights of hotel and invited us to stay with. We covered her meals one day.. This year we are covering 5 nights of hotel and invited her. She is covering all her meals but not up front. I will give her the total at the end or she will pay for a couple of all of our meals at the end of the trip so it evens out. I wouldn't normally worry about meals but since it is Disney it is super pricy and not in our budget to cover her. We talked about it way ahead of time. By the way I found an awesome app today called Travelfy. It tracks costs, itineraries and ideas. Love it!!

@aprild: Your SIL really needs to get over herself! Is she young? Honestly, she sounds immature to me (and probably spoiled too if her parents aren't willing to tell her she's being ridiculous and will be sleeping on the twin bed).

We rent cabins every year with family, my parents cover the cost of cabins and boat, we provide the food. Doesn't nearly add up but they refuse to accept money so food is what we get away with.

We've never travelled with DH's family, but if we did I know his parents would cover the cost and would not accept anything in return.

We have done a lot of traveling with our parents, and just for the perspective, the situation you are describing sounds beyond absurd. We have never had any kind of argument or even discussion about a shared trip. The couple who is organizing the trip gets to organize the trip, period, and everybody else can either come along or say "no thank you." That still holds true if there are shared costs involved. It would make way more sense if your parents just picked a house and said here's how much this will cost everybody, take it or leave it. If BIL or SIL can't handle it, they could get a separate place nearby, or just sit this one out. Easy.

My parents own a place I the outer banks, so we go several times a year. It's essentially a free place to stay, so we buy as much of the food as we possibly can & as many of the meals out as we can. Everyone pitches in, including my siblings. We all take turns cooking, too.

My mom and I are polar opposites & it's harder for us to vacation together now that A) our extended family is a total of 10 people in one house and B) we have different parenting styles.
If we are going for a week, DH, the kids & I rent our own place next door. That way we have a place of our own but mom & dads house is "home base". The 10 of us are still together all day long, so it's the perfect compromise.

For a long weekend, we stay together

We travel with my family frequently. We usually pay for housing and car rental (hubby has a lot of hotel points and we always stay somewhere nice and for free) and my parents always pays for meals and activities that we do.

My younger bro never paid for anything and we kind of let him off the hook bc he was single. He got married last year so I'm not sure what we're going to do this year.

It depends on the situation. But I'm done traveling with my Dad ever, the extra cost is worth reducing stress.