What age will you let your children go to an unsupervised boy/girl party?
What age will they be able to date?
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DH has said his daughter (my step daughter) can't date until 17, but I think 16 is probably more realistic, and was my dad's rule as well.
ETA: a lot of her friends have had 'boyfriends' at 12/13. One of her best friend's mom even encouraged it /set her daughter up with one of her friend's sons.
She got invited to a boy/girl party this weekend (to watch a scary movie) and he was totally against it and feels its inappropriate at her age (13). The boy-host was 12.
My thoughts are that he needs to give her a little more trust/leeway and then take it away if it comes to that, but shes a good kid. Her mom wasn't so I think he has that in the back of his mind and wants to prevent it.
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@josina: DH and I have this conversation a lot and DS is only 2 lol
I think it's hard to say an exact age. DH and I always say it depends on our child's maturity and their ability to act accordingly in an unsupervised situation. Although I would like to say age 15, my child may not be mature enough to handle that type of "freedom".
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What do you mean unsupervised? Parents home, but not in the room? Or no parents home at all?
I would be comfortable with a 7th grade party if parents were home, but not in the same room, just popping in to check and make sure snacks were refilled, etc, and it was a big group. I'd say 16 for no parents home, big group.
One on one dating, that's different. Probably 16, but there are so many factors involved!
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I hesitate to have hard and fast rules since so much depends on the individual kid's maturity. I'd rather they be open with me and have their boyfriend/girlfriend over to hang out with us than sneak around because they haven't reached some arbitrary age.
I also want to have high expectations of my kids so they have an opportunity to build trust. My DH's parents accused him of being on drugs when he was 15-16 but really he was just an emo sort of kid. They harped on it so much, he ended up try drugs when he was 17 because he figured they already assumed the worst of him.
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@Mrs. Microscope: Parents home but not in the room.
@hummusgirl: I agree with this. I had a girl friend in high school who had super-strict catholic parents and she definitely rebelled with the boys. My parents were very lenient (probably too much) after 16 and my sisters and I were all 'good' kids.
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I don't know if I would ever allow an unsupervised party at my home or have them attend others unless I really know the family. I've heard too many stories from friends about what happened at them. I never attended one until college and I am so glad. For dating, I think 16 is a good age.
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@hummusgirl: agree. As a parent my goal is to instill good values in my kids so they can make wise decisions for themselves. I don't really think it's my place to decide when she's ready to have a boyfriend or date. Trying to stop it from happening will just force them into secrecy and shut down lines of communication. I just want them to be smart about it and not get themselves into dangerous or life altering situations.
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Totally unsupervised, no parents home? College. Truly. I had a good group of boy/girl friends in HS and all our parents knew each other (small town) and would let us have movie nights and dance parties and what not at our houses, but parents were always there and alcohol was always NOT there. And we had big parties--huge Halloween dances, barn dances, parties. For prom, a group of about 20 boys and girls all had a sleepover at my house afterward and we stayed up super late talking and stuff. My guy friends removed the million bobby pins from my updo.
My dad invited 3 of his friends over the same night for an all-night bluegrass jam session. True story. So all the teens were in the family room (separate from main Living Room) watching movies with my mom in and out occasionally bringing snacks and checking up on us, and my dad was next door in the music room jamming with 3 other dads with fiddles, banjos, mandolins, etc.
I think that's fine. But unchaperoned parties, nope. Not happening. Not until they are paying their own way.
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My goal is to raise my son to make good choices, understand that he has consquences for his actions. I do not plan to "stop" him from doing anything, but there will be varying levels of parental support depending on what his choices are.
I also believe that if I never allow him to experience, I can not expect him to posess the ability to make decisions.
To answer the question, parties at a house with the parents that I have met, vetted and trust? 8th grade. Dating, I am fine with if it means going on dates with various people. Exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend? Not till at least 18.
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I feel like dating before college/18 is a waste of time. I don't think I'll frame it as a house rule per se, but that will be the expectation. Going out in a group is fine, but a two-person date/exclusive dating is silly at that age, imo. I think unsupervised parties before college are also silly. It just seems like any benefits are not worth the potential for trouble.
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I should say that when I was a junior in HS, there was a huge tragedy/scandal/court case.
A senior girl had....permissive parents, let's call them. The type that help their kids throw parties with tons of alcohol. Well, they were having such a party and even though the "took the keys" of all the teenage drivers, one boy didn't give his keys or whatever. And he left the party drunk and had a car wreck and died. A 17 year old boy.
So the parents were charged, the father was jailed. In the trial, it also came out that this father has sexually assaulted (unwanted groping, etc) girl teenagers at these parties and it was over a span of several of these drunken parties.
This was a very small town, and it was the type of school where a girl--the girl in this case--could be a popular cheerleader, and play sports, and play in the band because it was so small everyone did everything in school. And I was in band with this girl from 6th grade-11th grade because she was a year older. And it rocked our little town.
I cared less about going to parties after that incident, and better understood my parents' protectiveness.
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Unsupervised pop up parties can happen at a park -it doesn't happen just at a home so it will happen if my child is like that. But I hope she will continue to choose a studious, innocent crowd that I have immersed her in. I will encourage only supervised parties with good families I know or host them myself. As for dating, I will not encourage anything but friendships throughout high school. High school boys are not ready for a relationship unless it is an exceptional exception and they plan to go to the same college etc.
I was a rebel in high school and pretty mellow in college so I got it all out of my system. My friends were not so lucky and headed down a rocky road. -
I think it is downright bizarre to attempt to limit your children like this. I'll vet the homes they're hanging out in, I'll teach them about safety, why drugs and alcohol are a bad choice for young people, and how condoms work. But no way would I tell my teenaged children that they weren't permitted to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. That isn't really how teenagers work.
I had a lot of romantic and sexual experiences in high school, and they were all really important parts of my foundation. My sister met and started dating her husband at 15. I'm boggling at the idea that anyone would try to discourage their children from teenage romance in a safe environment.
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I don't plan to make age based rules like this. As long as parents are in the house, mixed gender parties are fine at any age. I always had friends that were boys and to this day my best friend is male. Not every male/female relationship is about sex and I hope to teach my kids to make good choices.
I also think outlawing dating before a certain age is asking for trouble. Some studies have shown that when parents are more restrictive, kids just lie and cover things up more. I'd rather let my kids go on some harmless dates and know what they're doing and who they're with than get lied to.
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@sarac: this. Thank you for saying what I have been sitting here trying to put in words. I have to admit I am a little surprised by so many of the responses.
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I think there is a HUGEdifference in co-ed activities and dating.
I will definitely encourage co-ed as a good safe activity to do as friends early on because that is life. I would consider a movie with parents home (that I trust) to be supervised though. Now hanging out totally alone (parents at work or out of town) that's a totally different story.
Dating is hard to determine an age for and I don't know you can really limit it. My parents let me have a "boyfriend" at age 12 or something. But that was just a title. We passed notes at school and called each other on the house phone at night. My parents did not let us actually go on unsupervised dates.
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@sarac: Same. I feel like putting such sweeping restriction on teen dating is almost asking for your kids to push the boundary and break the rules. DH and I plan to base our decision about our girls dating on their behavior and that of the potential boyfriend (or girlfriend if that's what they are into). Parties will be based on the kids going and their parents.
That being said, I definitely think middle school is too soon to go to an unsupervised party of any kind.
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We won't have rules about this. I think it's developmentally appropriate for middle schoolers to have romantic feelings for peers and wouldn't want my kid to be ashamed of that or feel like it's weird. I won't encourage them to have a serious partner but if my 13 or 14 year old asked to go see a movie with a same age romantic interest I'd let her. And if she decided she wanted to be in a relationship I'd support her and do my best to keep communication open.
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Meh, my parents had strict rules, I didn't try to fight them on it, I was too focused on getting out of my town and going away to college. I had to prove that I could be trusted to do what I was supposed to, which is go to class, get decent grades, graduate on time. With that kind of potential reward of going away to the college of my choice, why would I want to ruin it by sneaking around with some guy or hiding cans of beer at the beach?
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For me I'd say around 13 for the party. As long as parents are on the premises. Serious dating more like 14-15.
When I was younger we had bf's/gf's starting in 3rd grade but real dating didn't start until 14-15.
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We try to teach our kids to make safe, healthy choices. I hope that we are able to teach them good judgement, how to deal with difficult situations, and the confidence to do what is right for them. We will have rules, guidelines, and expectations, but we will not try to control our teenagers.
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My son is only 3 so I won't be dealing with this for awhile, but I do see it firsthand as I have a lot of teenage nieces and nephews. Personally, I'd say I'd probably be ok with a house party- parents home at 13. I think it's fine to have crushes in middle school, but actually dating more like age 15/16 and that's only if I felt they were mature enough to handle it. Sometimes kids think they're older than they are and they are just not ready to handle dating, it can be way too emotionally draining for them
all that being said, I probably won't have hard and fast rules.
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@josina: how unsupervised is this 12/13 yr old party? I would want an adult in the house even if they weren't in the room. I went to co-ed parties as a tween, but the parents were always home. Those were fun and harmless.
As for dating, I remember classmates going through bf/gf like underpants and some that were serious and had sex very early. I plan to instill in my LO to make smart choices about sex- hold out for the right person when he is able to handle the consequences of sex.
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Just curious about the personal background re: how you were raised of people responding that they wouldn't put limits on their kids social interactions regarding dating and partying. (Totally skewered the grammar there. )
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@808love: I don't think the responses are about putting "no limits" on teen dating- I read them more as basing rules on the individual kids involved and not setting a firm age limit arbitrarily. There is no possible way that I can make realistic guidelines about my daughters dating today when one is not quite 3 and the other one is a fetus since I won't know what kid of teenager in getting for at least a decade.
DH and I were both raised in very conservative Christian households with strict rules.. We are Christian also, considerably more liberal than both of our sets of parents. Our parents just banned things without allowing for discussion of uncomfortable topics and never made us feel as though we could come to them with social problems. From both of our personal experience, we agree that a little more freedom and open communication would have served us well in making good choices rather than wanting to experiment and push back against rules that seemed pretty arbitrary at 15/16 years old.
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: unsupervised as in parents in the home.
She has been to boy/girl parties that her girlfriends hosted (pool party/campfire), but DH wasn't comfortable with her going to a boy-hosted party. (We also do not know the boy or the parents).
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@josina: In the second example, I would just call the boy's parents and confirm the details--yes, they are hosting a party, yes they will be there, yes there will be no underage drinking. Then let her go.
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@Anagram: That's what my parents did. It was embarrassing but I was grateful to get to go.
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@808love: To be clear, I don't believe in no rules and no limits. I just think it's important to give kids responsibility, and trust them to make their own choices (as age appropriate obviously). I think setting a hard and fast age boundary without room for flexibility is asking for trouble.
My parents parented their three teens how I hope to someday parent my teens. Supportive, but clear on rules and expectations. They have us freedom and responsibility, but kept an open dialogue about what was going on. They were open and honest about talking about drinking and sex. My dad had a super strict upbringing and rebelled as a kid. My mom had a very lax upbringing, and had nobody keeping track of her.
My husband grew up in a family where nothing was discussed openly. He ended up having his first kid at 20. His parents, ironically, had a very similar upbringing, and had their first kid at 18 and 19.
I'd rather trust my kid and have them talk to me about the issues they're facing than try and dictate what they're allowed to do and have them hide things from me,
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@josina: I would be fine with that and would likely want to speak with the parents about the event before agreeing to it.
@LindsayLou: interesting. You think not discussing sex at home led to becoming a very young parent? My parents discussed the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy (abortion), but I learned about safe sex (& consequences) at school.
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@hummusgirl: @Anagram: on one of my college breaks I went home with a friend and her parents called the parents of a friend of mine that threw a house party. I didn't care. Whatever it took for them to let us go I was okay with it. We were sophomores.
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I'm skeptical that it would be possible to limit these things. I had my first boyfriend at 15 and became sexually active at 16. When we couldn't find a house....we found other places. If our parents had said no to dating we would have just kept it on the DL, met at the movies etc. As far as parties are concerned we lived in the suburbs and no one really had unsupervised parties, no sure why, maybe helicopter parents or perhaps suburban parents had nowhere to go? Anyway I probably wouldn't encourage unchaperoned parties but let's be honest, they will find a way to go if that's what they want to do.
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@Silva: agreed! I was beginning to think I was some weird kid for having a boyfriend in 8th-9th grade! Our parents dropped us off places and picked us up after.
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Growing up, I was going to co-ed sleepover parties (boys and girls in different rooms, parents were home) at 15 and having unsupervised parties at my house at 16 (although now that I think about it, my parents may not have known about that). I had a boyfriend at 15 who was 18, which my parents were not real happy about, but they trusted me. I was allowed to go (with friends) to visit my boyfriend at university overnight when I was 16. That being said, I didn't have sex until I was 21 which I think my parents would probably be surprised to hear. I really think it depends on the kid.
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I think the limits we set on our children will be dependent upon their maturity and temperament. If I knew and trusted the parents, I think I would be comfortable sending a 7th grader over to a party where parents were present, but not in the same room. I don't know that I would okay with it if I didn't know the parents though. As far as dating, I'll keep an open dialogue, but won't prevent dating because I've seen first hand how that can cause kids to sneak around, which I feel is so much more dangerous. I had a serious relationship for a couple of years in high school, and it was a really positive experience, but we both had supportive parents who knew what was going on and communicated (occasionally) with each other.
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@sarac: agreed. Sorry to sound flippant, but the idea that parents could successfully enforce that their child can't date until 18 (or 15 or whatever) age is kind of hilarious. Wouldn't you rather let your child have a relationship openly where you can get to know the bf/gf rather than pushing them to do so secretly and perhaps more unsafely?
I had a high school boyfriend beginning partway through my sophomore year and it was a totally healthy great experience. It didn't work out but we are very good friends to this day and he is basically considered a member of my family. I can't imagine it would have been a positive thing if our parents had forbidden us to date.
@looch: it sounds like your parents methods worked for you and the prospect of going away to college was good motivation for you, but I can assure you not all teenagers are that rational (high school teacher here
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@petitenoisette: Agree. My experience with my high school boyfriend was very similar, except we did end up together. DH and I started dating at 16. His parents were much more supportive of the relationship than mine (well mostly my mom was the one who was unsupportive), so we hung out at his house 90% of the time. I think that's one reason I'm really close to his parents to this day. We didn't sneak around because we didn't need to. We were both good, trustworthy kids who got good grades. DH partied a little in college (never really my scene), but we were very "good" kids in high school. If I had a different personality as a teenager, I could see how my mom's strict ways could push me into making some not great decisions.
I guess it depends a lot on the kid, but I lean against setting a hard and fast age rule.
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My in-laws were super lenient, let the kids drink wine at like 12, and smoke cigarettes. They let the kids date at 13, and my mil came home
To sil having an orgy in the home
. She also dabbled in cocaine, and is a heavy drinker. I have two military parents, and was not allowed to go to unsupervised parties or have a serious boyfriend. I didn't go to college and rebel. Not saying one way or the other is better or worse, but I think children are not always mature enough nor is it developmentally appropriate for children to be unsupervised.
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I started dating my husband at 15. I don't think we will have strict rules- it depends on the kid/situation. I think coed parties where the parents are home and checking in is fine whenever as long as we know the parents- I went to my first party like this in 6th grade. I was pretty boy crazy and lied to my parents about where I was regularly so I will check with parents to confirm sleep overs.
. She also dabbled in cocaine, and is a heavy drinker. I have two military parents, and was not allowed to go to unsupervised parties or have a serious boyfriend. I didn't go to college and rebel. Not saying one way or the other is better or worse, but I think children are not always mature enough nor is it developmentally appropriate for children to be unsupervised.
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