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I won't be making rules about parties based on gender lines because I think when you do, you are reinforcing the message that 1) girls/boys or men/women can't be platonic friends and 2) you don't trust your child or their friends to be just friends.
I had a bunch of boys in my "core group" at that age and none of us in the group were more than friends. It would have been humiliating had a parent suggested that with blanket gender rules.
Dating - I'm not sure about yet. I'll be honest and say I can't imagine fostering or being supportive of a young teen semi or serious relationship because I think that's ridiculous. 14 year old girls should be focusing on themselves, there's plenty of time to focus your time and energy on boys (or girls) later. But, I know strict rules done poorly will likely have horrendous results, so again, not sure yet how I will approach. No hard "one size fits all" rules.
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@petitenoisette: why is it hilarious? To me, that comes across as though you think it's a joke.
I believe there are two schools of thought related to teenagers. One is that they can and should be given strict guidance, the other is that teens will be teens and therefore you shouldn't try to control them. I was raised by immigrant parents, my dad worked three jobs so that my mother could stay at home with the kids. I knew that nothing was guaranteed in this world and that if I wanted something, I had to work for it. I also understood that the burden could be greater if I made certain choices. I didn't grow up with a lot of immigrant families, but as I have gotten older, I have met many more people with the same experience as mine and we all come back to the same thing, that we were raised in a different way. I am not saying one is better than the other, just different.
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@looch: I apologize for my word choice. I just think it is highly unrealistic to tell a teenager that they cannot have a relationship. I come to that conclusion both due to personal experience but also interacting with teenagers everyday. Yes, teenagers are not always going to make the best decisions for themselves, romantically or otherwise, but making mistakes is part of their path to adulthood.
I don't agree that you can either be strict or totally lenient with no rules. I hope to strike a balance between the two. So for me that would mean allowing socialization and relationships with whomever but providing the appropriate supervision based on age.
Lastly as icky as it may be to think about, I realize at some point my daughter and other future kids will become sexual beings and I want them to be able to explore that side safely. And I don't think it will be realistic of me to think that won't happen until college (it would also be hypocritical of me to think that!). I'm not sure when that will happen but it will certainly be something I hope to navigate openly and respectfully with my kids.
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@looch: I agree with you that the American interpretation of the teenage years are just that--American. Many other cultures do the teenage and young adult years differently.
I think most Americans are horrified at the thought of a college student living with their parents, or a young adult living with their parents while just starting out. And yet, in many countries, it's expected. My husband's dad actually lived with him for 2 years while my husband was in college (they had newly immigrated to the US, and MIL still hadn't moved over and it was cheaper for them to save up money that way). They cooked dinner together. My husband also went out with friends but couldn't come home wasted or bring girls home because his dad was there. But unlike most Americans, who would hate that situation, he was really grateful to his dad for helping him with expenses and for making sacrifices to help pay tuition.
After MIL moved to the US and they purchased a house, my husband moved into student apartments. But after graduation, my husband moved back home for a year or two until he got a decent job--and he saved his money.
By the time we met, even though he'd only worked lowish level jobs at that point, he had many times my yearly salary saved up, no college loans. In his culture, this is all normal. But Americans think being close to your parents, and parents expecting this type of relationship is weird or even unhealthy. I can say in my husband's case, it hasn't stunted him in any way. He had a great relationship with his parents, they treat him like an adult, they know he does his own thing.
It's just a difference of cultural expectations. I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong. Well actually, I think there are pretty clear lines where permissive parenting or overly strict parenting can be harmful. But there is a lot of gray area in between.
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@petitenoisette: Apology accepted. And I think you're right, there is a huge gray area in between strict and lenient. I can only speak for myself, obviously, but when my parents communicated a rule, I followed it. Did it feel badly at the time when I couldn't go to a dance and then stay over with all my friends at someone's house? Yes, but I understand why it was done. I am no less an adult today because of it.
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Dating - not until sometime in high school. Certainly not middle school.
Parties? I wish I could say not until you leave my house. But, as long as the parents are home, I know them and I know the kids, probably sometime in middle school.
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I don't think we have any set plans or ideas about this yet. I doubt we will set down specific rules, like at 16 you can do this, and at 18 you can do this. But right now we are at a loss with our threenager so I just hope we make it to the teenage years!
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