Hellobee Boards

^^^YESSSSS

and oh man. Very few things have been easy for me as a mom. I feel like a failure probably 30% of the time. I miss the light-hearted, fun person I was. I mourn a time I wasn't in charge of 2 humans. 100% of the time I feel the tension of worry or obligation that I know I will never shake. Even when I go to the therapist or work out or get out on my own for a bit I always feel this TENSION. I don't know how to explain it. I am never truly at ease. I spend a lot of time thinking about mistakes I've made as a mom too. Not terrible but DS1 is tough and we never bonded wonderfully. It makes me sad. But my little baby and I have a nice connection so I don't feel like a bad mom when I'm with him.

@pachamama: I definitely agree re: tension. I never really feel relaxed, particularly when I leave the house. I was thinking about this today because I took DS1 out to run errands and left the other two at home with DH. Everyone was fine but for some reason I still felt tense? I have no idea why. I especially feel this way if we have sitters. I SAH but usually have my in-laws or my parents down once a week so I can leave the house by myself and run errands and the entire time I am out I feel stressed in the back of my mind even though I know the kids enjoy their time with there grandparents SO much (and vice versa). I have no idea how to stop feeling that way.

I also hate feeding children. Breasfeeding, bottle feeding, table food, meal times, snack times. I hate all of it. I never feel like it's right, that they aren't eating well enough or balanced enough meals or getting enough milk. I miss just sitting down to dinner and enjoying my food without also negotiating with two, soon to be three, tiny food terrorists.

@LadyDi: @pachamama: omg you hit the nail on the head with the tension. My dh totally doesn’t get it and thinks an hour “off” should fix it ... not going to happen. The tension really went up for me when pregnant with #3 and I think it’s only slowly going down again ... hopefully ...

And yes I really hate dinner. I get so frustrated going to the effort while they fuss and whine and then dinner is a disaster. At least since I started doing intermittent fasting and skipping dinner I don’t feel like I’m messing up my own meal!

Anxiety, the mental load and the incessant talking and questions. I do love talking with DS but sometimes I just want a minute to have my own thoughts! Also, I don’t love playing with toys, which makes me feel guilty. I’ll read to him and play board games for hours but everything else is boring to me.

For me it’s what to do when DS (almost four) doesn’t listen. It thankfully isn’t too bad, but we don’t spank, we don’t do timeouts, and taking his toys/a privilege away doesn’t seem to phase him. I worry constantly that we’re too lenient on him because he’s an only child and is very rarely not getting what he wants

@pachamama: You've said it so wonderfully. Even when getting a facial (on my flipping birthday!) I am wondering about DS and if he is really going to be ready for kinder next year. There is no off switch. Maybe CBD oil? I don't know...

I feel like a constant failure when it comes to baby sleep. I am incessantly googling how to get my baby to nap. I can't turn it off, even when the articles are all the same info and none of it helps (dark room! White noise! Watch the wake windows! Calm! Routine!). Dude, I've obsessed over this for months now and I'm telling you, he. will. not. nap. Especially in his crib. I'm convinced I just have zero skill at this and someone who was a better mom could do it without issue. I noticed a month ago that I always blame myself, even when everything says I can set the conditions for sleep and it's up to my kid to actually do it, I still blame myself. His daycare teachers commented that he's an incredibly light sleeper and sometimes goes on nap strikes, and yet here I am, still feeling like it's my failure and I haven't set him up for success in some way.

In early days FOR SURE it was my own lack of sleep. Now that my babies are weaned and are reliable sleepers, the stress on our marriage and the mommy-tracking of my career are the toughest things for me.

I don't really mind the whining, the endless chores, the endless meals, the lost independence, being tied to the house, etc etc. I'm a homebody and I knew that would come with the territory, and that stuff just doesn't hit me that hard.

@pachamama: @crazydoglady: Totally, totally re constant low level tension no matter how smoothly things are going. I can't seem to shake it, but I'm optimistic that it might get better as the kids get older ??

@periwinklebee: one year from now, your sleep will be 1000x better and you will feel like a queen

@erinbaderin: 100%.

The mental load and all the "little" things that Dh takes for granted that I do (making sure they have clothes that fit, proper attire for the weather, snacks, lunches, birthday presents). Most of the time I am happy to do it but i'd like some recognition for it.

I also struggle with parenting my son and feel like i am failing him most days. DD is easy and her and I click like magic. I know what she's thinking and what she needs before she even does, we've always been this way. But DS, he's tougher to read and i don't know how to anticipate his moods or his behaviors and i feel like i am failing him. I have to yell to get him to listen and not do things that could hurt himself and I don't want to yell but honestly it's the only thing that will stop him sometimes (sometimes...)He doesn't want to learn the alphabet, he doesn't like nursery rhymes and he says every color is "GEEN" bc it makes his sister laugh... ughhh.. is he color blind???

The relentlessness of it all. As well as what @crazydoglady so succinctly said. Everyday feels like an endless race to get things done and do all the routines so we make it to school, work, daycare and have food, clothes, etc. Weekends are full of preparing for the next week of routines. I wish I could work less and enjoy our family time more instead of having a list of things to get done so we won’t lose our minds.

Last week we took a day off together while kids were at daycare and school and it is such a damn luxury to not have to be on a schedule. We took a morning nap, went to brunch and a hike. It felt like a vacation getaway! I also noticed this when we went to Mexico for a destination wedding a couple years ago...sure it was beautiful, but being able to eat when I wanted and do what I wanted when I wanted was the best part!

Patience for all the whining and tantruming is also really hard for me. I use a firm voice with my oldest way more now than I ever did before baby brother came because I’m just so done with him sometimes.

Cleaning up after the meals is so freakin annoying as well. 14 mo makes such a mess over the walls, table, himself. I’ll be happy when that stage is over because I feel I clean my kitchen 5x a day right now.

@muffinsmuffins: omg, being able to just eat your fucking food, YES. the holy grail.
re cleaning up after meals, I take it you guys don't have a dog

@pachamama: Tension.... not a word I ever thought of but I totally understand this feeling. I do best when my boys are at daycare or spending the night away with my MIL honestly. Otherwise when they are home with DH I feel a constant guilt (?) that I should be home with them too and can feel myself enjoying my free time a little less and I hate it.

The mental load is a HUGE one for me. A stomach bug hit our house this weekend and it really demonstrated just how little DH does. He helps but does the very minimum. DH was doing laundry and when I asked if he included stuff that was sitting on the laundry room floor he looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about. It is right in front of your face dude!! Why do I need to specifically call it out for you?? It is so frustrating and the lack of balance really takes a toll. I almost prefer when he travels because then I don't have the same awareness that he is doing less.

@muffinsmuffins: awww so sorry for your loss. my old lab had to be put down when I was pregnant with my first baby. It's so hard to lose them and then being on your hands and knees cleaning under the high chair feels like insult to injury.

I had no idea how opinionated and stubborn and un-mold-able kids could be. I thought they came out like blank slates..... NOPE.

For me, the hardest part of parenting is being the emotional regulator in our household and the person who makes the decisions. My husband has MANY wonderful qualities but empathy is not one of them so when the kids are losing their sh*t it’s up to me to calm everybody down and be the rock in the storm (as the saying goes!). And sometimes it’s like having four children because my husband can be a little sh*t and loves winding the kids (and me!) up.

I also get very tired of deciding what we’re having for dinner and what we’re doing in the weekends - I just want somebody else to tell me what they want to do for a change.

@pachamama: It definitely gets better, I have the same age gap but they are currently 2 and 5 and I was commenting to someone recently that all of a sudden things just got so much easier. They will play really well together, though still do some squabbling, they have a joint bedtime and share a room well.

Last night we had friends over for dinner who don't have kids yet and my kids basically played without input from us for about an hour before we sat down for dinner. It isn't perfect but makes me feel so much less tense and tedious than things felt 6 months ago.

@pachamama: I’ve already told my husband that once our 18mo has weaned (whenever that is!) we’re going on a cruise and I’m not making ANY decisions!!

The mental load:
“When did they last eat? What clothes fit? When did they last poop? How are we going to transition out of the crib? Do I need to call the pediatrician? Is this (behavior, symptom, etc) normal? When/how should we sleep train? Is everything packed in the diaper bag? Do we have enough diapers? What can I make for dinner?” Etc Etc.

The physical chaos I actually thrive on. I love bringing my toddler and newborn out. Sometimes it fails but sometimes it goes fairly smooth and I feel like superwoman. I love holding the baby in one hand and dancing to Elmo with my toddler while I make his lunch with the other. I love when I can soothe a tantrum or soothe the baby to stop crying. I love the chaos of traveling with them. I hate that I have to think about all of the mundane crap 24/7 which makes me anxious and cranky and gets in the way of actually living in the moment and enjoying it.