Hellobee Boards

Oh gosh, I’ve been in your shoes. I distinctly remember thinking one day that things were SO great with my son that if I wasn’t already pregnant that I would not be doing it again. It felt like SUCH a step backwards to be adding another baby to my household.

I won’t sugar coat it and say I didn’t go through PPA again. But, I had a lot deeper support system and my husband understood my needs better. It was addressed much quicker. Mine was also situational and I question whether it would have happened had a certain scenario not occurred early in my daughter’s life.

All this to say, adding our second was easy peasy. I’m a much more confident mother and I’ve learned a lot over the past years.

I have a 5.5 year old and an 11 week old.

In some ways adding a second was easier. I already know how to take care of a baby and what to anticipate.

Being able to split my attention between them can be hard especially with all the nursing. DS1 loves his brother but some days he is extra needy. I mean he is used to getting all the attention. I try and spend time doing things with him even if it means chores don't get done.

I think this time around I'm a bit more relaxed too.

Sounds like you have s good support system in place.

I feel like some aspects are definitely harder, because hello, there are now 2 humans! But I think my mindset also made it easier in some ways. I had mine exactly 2 years apart, and DD1 also kept her daycare schedule so it was a huge help to not have her in the house full time also.

Def super challenging at times, esp when I had to be alone with them with no help. But those phases will pass. It def broke my heart when at times I couldn't do what DD1 wanted b/c DD2 was attached to the boob, and I really missed putting DD1 to bed, etc. But I also mastered babywearing, BF relationship with DD2 was/is amazing, in general I was much less anxious and much more relaxed with DD2 re: schedules, etc and I lowered my standards a lot with stuff around the house.

Everytime things changed like when I went back to work, it was def hard to adjust esp for a period when I felt like I barely got time with my kids before they go to bed. But now at 4 and 2 years old I really love the phase we're in now, no one needs to go to bed super early, we all hang out after dinner, I finally am finding some of myself back now that DD2 is almost 2 and things are easier again.

@pachamama: we had the same spacing, I had issues with PPD/A after lo1, was worried too.. but 1-2 was way easier. And now that lo2 is 3, it is so much better that they have each other to play with! Yes it's more hectic, but I didn't focus so much on the typical newborn stuff the second time around, and also don't feel like you have to get to their crying RIGHT NOW. Waiting a few minutes so you can deal with the other child won't be the end of the world even if they don't like it. And I got dh involved with night feedings and all that pretty much from the beginning, so that helped and I recommend it if possible. (For medical reasons I didn't bf except colostrum so that made it easier for me although just that first week already gave us thrush, lol.) It was just easier for us and we were better prepared and our second was an easier baby too.. Wishing you the best!

I have a 4.5yo and 4mo twins.

Twins have been SO much easier than the new parent learning curve was for me! I know how temporary the hard stuff is, so it is much easier to tolerate. I also know how fleeting the cute stuff is, so I appreciate it more.

Also, I had a high risk pregnancy followed by a very smooth L&D. The relief over having such a great L&D got me through a lot postpartum. My mantra was that it's ok if I'm really tired because my twins made it to 37w and we all came home together from the hospital.

Things that have helped me: (1) being possessive of my postpartum time, staying focused on my nuclear family and carving out the space to build a nursing relationship with my girls (2) leaving the house every day! (3) finding opportunities to take an hour off every few days.

Also, I will breastfeed anywhere and everywhere. I do not care who sees what. I have stuff to do, and I breastfeed along the way. Half my town has seen my nipples at the park by now, and my dad and SFIL have seen them in my living room too. It's the only way I can feed and bond with my babies while still being productive with my older one.

I also did a lot of work to manage my son's transition to big brotherhood. I knew he would have to deal with certain changes (e.g., a new bedroom and no more cosleeping with me). I tackled those way in advance of the babies' arrival so he would not associate/blame them. I also tried to identify and enforce points of continuity for him. For instance, he and I always have breakfast together, and I really try to stay focused on him at that time. And we talked a lot about the great and challenging things about having babies. He was really excited to be a big brother and has been amazing with his sisters. (His reaction to me being back at work, however, has been challenging!)

Our two are three years + 4 days apart - I felt like the transition was much easier this time because I was used to having to dedicate almost all my waking time at home to another little being, but I totally understand feeling like you are really about to rock the boat! I felt that way starting about age 2, like things had really gotten pretty easy parenting-wise, I think a lot due to the fact that my DH could just do so much more with our DD and it wasn't practically all me all the time.

Like @hellobeeboston: I was surprised at how protective I have felt towards the baby and needing to defend her at time from her aggressively loving older sister! Right now we are often coexisting like two separate little teams, me and the baby (8 months) and my DH and DD1. But it's working ok and I know it is just a stage.

I found that this age spread was awesome for needing to attend to/nurse baby bc I felt like I could leave my older LO unattended at times, when I was on mat leave I often left her downstairs playing while I put down the baby. What helped a lot was playing stories on Spotify, we have a playlist and that really kept my older daughter out of trouble. We also have a small house so I could generally hear her downstairs.

We also kept DD1 in preschool three days a week for 3 months and then 2 for the summer and that was a lifesaver for sure! My DH dropped her off in the mornings too for a while which also helped a lot.

Good luck! You got this!

Going from 1-2 was really hard for me. You sound much better prepared than i was though. I didn’t have any PPD with my first, so I wasn’t really prepared for it with my second. I think if I’d had systems in place like you do, it would have helped so much.

Like others have said, the new baby wasn’t so much the hard part. New babies are tough but you’ve done it before and are more confident and it comes back to you, plus I personally felt less like I was going to break the baby or permanently damage her by not coming the first second that she cried or whatever. But learning to constantly divide your attention is the hard part. And my older one has been a challenging kid from the start. So it wasn’t easy. It took me a while to bond with the second. But I learned to feed her anywhere- perched on a stool at the counter while i fed the toddler, in the carrier at the playground, reading bed time stories... she learned to nap in the go, which helped a ton. And my older daughter watched way too much tv and you tube. But that was temporary and I whole heartedly believe that extra screen time is way better than your mom completely breaking down.

And now they love each other So Freaking Much. My younger one basically worships her big sister. It fills my heart with so much joy seeing how much they love each other. So, it’s worth it.

Good luck. Everyone struggles with it and you’re not alone.

You've gotten great advice above but here are some short tips:
1) Teach your child how to wait by counting slowly to ten, or down from ten. Teach them to wait with their hands folded or hands up or whatever - like a very specific practice.
2) Model and explicitly teach alternate behaviors, rather than just stopping negative ones. I think you're a teacher, so hopefully you get what I am saying.
Examples: "You can rub the baby's head or tummy, or tickle her toes, or kiss her fingers."
Non-examples: "STOP poking your sister's eyes and slapping her belly or head and STOP biting her and STOP hitting her."

Teach the desired behaviors in really explicit, small steps. It kind of reminds me of this: http://boystowntraining.org/teaching-replacement-behaviors.html

Also have your OB's nurse line / therapist on speed dial and don't hesitate to call and ask for help even if it's late at night and you have to leave a voicemail.

I have found that getting out of the house EVERY morning with 2 kids was a sanity-saver for me on maternity leave. Library, groceries, playdates, indoor kids places, etc. Being cooped up made LO1 crazy and misbehaving all the time, which then made me crazy.

I met up with my SAHM friends at least once a week, it was a standing playdate at a park. I know it's too cold for that where you are, but I'd try to figure out something.

@pachamama: I have 3 kiddos, 2.5 years apart and 1.5 years apart so I have BEEN THERE. If it helps with perspective, now that my oldest are 2.5 and 5, they play together constantly and share a room by choice. They call each other their best friends.

Here are some logistical things that helped:

-a solly wrap - I wore baby a lot and that was my favorite in tiny baby stage.
- a good swing- sometimes wearing the baby felt claustrophobic to me so a few comfy places for baby to hang out when I was in that mood was good!
- some new movies to watch with the 3 year old when you are tired or cluster feeding but still sort of want to feel like you’re bonding- I would get out cozy blankets and pop popcorn which made it feel more special than just turning on a show for her
- a box of toys that only came out while I was nursing
- Read Along Storybooks and CDs with a CD player for my oldest. These things are perfect for this time of life. The Cd plays an audiobook of the book and chimes when it’s time to turn the page. My daughter liked to listen to them with me and by herself during her quiet time. She got to hear books but I could just sit there and do nothing.

It was hard. I mean, my recovery was much better and nursing was a piece of cake, but the sibling jealousy didn't take long to show up... ugh. And I wasn't in the best place mentally, but I think the situation that caused that was pretty ridiculous and unlikely to happen to you.

I haven't battled postpartum anxiety or depression but I did struggle a lot with adjusting from no babies to 1 baby. My second baby arrived when my first had turned 4 and it was seriously so much easier than I expected. I do think the age difference of the kids plays a huge role (my 4 year old could go potty on his own, grab himself snacks, etc. all while I breastfed) but I also think the lifestyle change from zero to one is just really hard. When you already have one, you have already adjusted to not being able to run out and do whatever you want whenever you want.

ETA: My older also went to school from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. every day and that definitely helped my sanity while I was on leave. It sounds like you have thought through lots of mechanisms to help you.

@Alba4: 1000% agree with this. Luckily our older is in school 915-345 but he has had a couple days off sick this year where he’s home with baby and DW and it’s very hard to juggle them all when you’re exhausted from the night before and in a constant cycle of feeding and putting to sleep. She is solo for an hour or two most nights until I get home from work and just that small amount of time is still difficult. I don’t know how people have both at home in the early days without losing it because as soon as you get the baby down, the older wants to play or needs something...no rest time or moment to yourself which is crucial.

@pachamama One other thing that’s worked for us really well is that we had DS2 doing one bottle feed a day from like 3 days old. So I do his night routine to give DW a break and so she can be with our older. I’m also lucky to not work Fridays so DW can do what she likes without being tied to nursing all day when I’m home. Of course depends on your baby, thoughts on feeding, etc. But it helps me feel bonded too and like I can share the load and that we don’t have to split totally 50-50 between the two kids. It seems to have helped keep jealousy down too...fingers crossed!

Invest in a good carrier too if you don’t have one already!