I hope this doesn't start any debates
DH and I have some differing points about this and it just got me wondering how and when others are going to teach their children about sex.
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For me, I want to make my children realize that sex is just normal. I want to be open with them about everything and help them understand that all of their feelings/urges are perfectly normal and healthy. I will make clear to them that I would love it if they saved themselves until marriage or until they were with someone they loved (not for religious reasons), but to prepare them in case they chose not to.
I will probably try and be 100% honest with them about what sex is from the beginning, but talk about safe sex and what it involves physically and emotionally when they're about 12.
DH thinks that's just too young and prefers a more traditional approach. We've got a little longer to discuss. Lol
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We haven't discussed it, but I plan on being very open with my girls, I don't want it to be naïve in that I don't think my daughters will ever explore with their bodies/sexuality when they come to the right age. I want to teach them that sex is a part of life and an enjoyable one, however it is also a part of life that is best enjoyed with someone they love and should not be thrown around lightly. I hope that they will both come to me when they think the "time is coming" (if not, we will have the conversation as soon as they get a more serious boyfriend) and we can get them on BC.
I'm a Christian and yes while I would hope they would wait until marriage I will not pressure this as being "the only way." I did not, nor do I really expect them too in this day and age. I just want to raise them to respect their body and who they show/give it too and of course to never be pressured if they aren't ready.
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I remember feeling really ashamed about being curious about my body from a young age, as early as first grade. So I think normalizing the science part of it from a young age will be a priority.
As far as the official talk these days, as early as 9 or 10 depending on the kid. I have not talked to M, but I expect he will feel the same way.
We had friends who were having sex in middle school almost 20 years ago. Sure I would prefer to be in denial, but I want to be teaching my kids about sex not sexually active 12 year olds. Cringe.
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I think we will be (age appropriately) honest from the start as things come up. And considering that we aren't probably going to be huge on censorship, I imagine things will come up regularly.
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I plan on being open and honest from the start. There are a ton of toddler/kid appropriate books for when he has questions. We are open about pretty much everything and hope that he will always feel comfortable coming to us.
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I think if you just start integrating discussion about human anatomy and physiology early on, you never really need to have the talk. My older daughter understands that to make a baby you need cells from mom and cells from dad to create a zygote.
I hope that by introducing different concepts when she asks and is ready, we can sort of normalize this very normal human function.
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I want to teach my kids that yes, sex is a totally normal part of life, but not something that should ever be taken lightly. I want to normalize it without encouraging it, although I imagine that can be a tough balance to strike. I know for sure that I don't want my kids growing up thinking that penis and vagina are "bad" words; I hope I can raise them to be comfortable with, and respectful of, their bodies.
My youngest sister is almost a decade younger than me, and I remember her telling me about kids in sixth/seventh/eighth grade having sex - it almost blew my mind. Things just aren't the same as they were when I was growing up, and I will not be that naive parent who thinks that their kid isn't going to explore and experiment... I absolutely hope that they will wait until they are in a committed relationship, and I will always encourage that, but I won't make assumptions and risk not providing them with very important information.
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Funny, this just came up with my three year old. She asked how the baby in my belly got there. I took a breath, and told her that daddy had put a seed inside of me, and then it met an egg, and turned into a baby. We'd watched some birth videos, so she asked if it went in through my vagina. I said yep.
I felt so weird, and I had to remind myself that there's nothing weird about talking about how our bodies work - it's only if we make it weird.
She hasn't yet asked about the word 'sex', but whenever she does, I plan to tell her that it's a fun thing that adults do, and that it's best to wait until adulthood or close to it, because it has some really serious emotions and physical consequences involved. But I do plan to emphasize that it's one of the funner parts of adulthood, and something to look forward to.
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I'm in the same camp as a lot of you ladies - we answer questions honestly and talk about body parts by their actual names and try to normalize bodies and human biology.
one of my stepsons asked how the baby was going to get out when I was pregnant with C, and we answered him honestly after he guessed incorrectly a few times (he asked first if I was going to unbutton my belly button, and then since the baby was in my tummy like food, was I going to poop it out?). He thought it was gross that the baby was going to come out of my vagina or by being cut out (we talked about both vaginal and c-section deliveries with my stepsons, since best laid plans often go awry). I was really surprised, but they never asked how the baby got in there.
It's definitely a touchier subject with my stepsons, because I'm not their mom, but she's been ok with our approach so far.
C asks about body parts, and he loves to give instructions when I use the toilet (we're trying to get him interested by letting him come in when we pee) and tells me every time to "wipe the vagina with the paper toilet!" (it's a paper towel, so it's paper toilet in his mind, no matter how many times we've tried to straighten him out)
I definitely don't want my kids to be sexually active until they're adults, but I want them to be fully educated and understand how it all works well ahead of time.
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By hiding under the covers?
No seriously, we talk about families and how they can be made in different ways. I remember understanding the biology well before I understood the method.
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I believe in empowering our children, and educating them about their bodies. My parents never talked to me about any aspect of sex or sexuality, and I think it left me with a foggy view of it all.
We will teach our children proper terms for their body parts from the beginning. And, when they ask about babies, puberty, masturbation (which usually happens a bit at a young age), I will be honest with them. Kids are smart & receptive ... If they're asking, I think they're ready to hear it. And, for a teenager that hasn't asked, it might be too late. I'm sure they already know. As @youboots: said, I would much rather my kids learn from me.
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@ballerinabee: This was my biggest worry while pregnant. I don't have a good relationship (or any at all, really), with my stepsons mother and she absolutely despises me for no reason (oh except I'm "living her life"). Sooooo I was really worried about what to do there if they did ask. I'm really thankful neither of them seemed interested in knowing how the baby got in or how it was going to get out. LOL.
With my own son, I want to try to be honest and open. I struggle a little bit because it was so taboo in my house growing up and trying to change my guilt/shame/whatever on the matter has been a pretty big challenge for me. It's definitely something I want to work on though because I do NOT want to teach (or lack thereof) my son, the same way as me.
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I'm not sure... But definitely not what my parents did, which was nothing! I mean, I grew up just fine but I def want to have a more open communication with my children about sex.
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Well, we plan on talking about bodies and answering any questions LO has when she has them, and having totally open and non-judgmental lines of communication in place before “that time”
comes. My elementary school had sex ed (age appropriate) starting in 4th or 5th grade, or around age 9-10. Looking back, I think that was the right age to start – if not sooner than that. By middle school (20 years ago, gulp!), some kids were actually fooling around/having some level of sex, and kids talk, so frankly, I think that’s too late to *begin* talks. It reminds me of that scene in The Wire when teachers and school admins are talking about starting a program to talk to high school freshmen about drugs and finally someone is like.....ugh, they've already been exposed to drugs for years at that point, that's way too late in the game if you are trying to get info to them before their friends/etc. do.
I will not encourage her to wait until marriage, and honestly, I hope she doesn't wait until marriage (though I don't know how I'll phrase that to her!). I will teach her to always demand respect for her body from others. I want to encourage her to only be involved in situations where she feels comfortable and in control – that no one should be using her body in any way without her permission. I also want to stress that she shouldn’t ever feel ashamed of her body, or of sex in general.
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@.twist.: don't get me wrong, my stepsons' mother doesn't like me (she told DH that I intimidate her, which would amuse me, except it makes dealing with her a PITA; she definitely resents our happiness and takes it out on DH's relationship with his sons). But that's a whole other story.
At least when it comes to talking about bodies & the baby, she was ok with our honest approach. The boys were 7 & 9 when I was pregnant with C.
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@ballerinabee: Ah! Our boys were similar ages, ours were 6 & 9 when I was pregnant. I'm not "allowed" to be motherly towards them, so teaching/disciplining is absolutely forbidden for me (like that actually works!), but that was one conversation I didn't want to be a part of and was happier with DH or her dealing with it!
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@yoursilverlining: I'm in the same camp too - unless my child chooses a very different religious path than I have, I hope she doesn't wait, either. I'll simply frame that by saying that sex is a fun thing to do when you're an adult, and you feel ready, and that's it. If that means marriage to you, cool. If not, also cool.
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I agree with everyone that hopefully we will be open and honest in an age-appropriate way as our LO gets older. I wanted to add that I'm actually excited to talk to him eventually about Dan Savage's "campsite rule." It's about both relationships and sex, but the general idea is to leave your partner in better condition than you found them. (Meaning basically not to be a jerk, not that you have to fix everyone)
I also heard on NPR the other day about the importance of talking with our sons about gaining true consent before sex and how to intervene before things get out of hand as it relates to recent discussions of rape on college campuses. -
@Danizaur: I think I'll pretty much do exactly what you said, except I won't encourage them to wait till marriage (actually, I'll discourage that, though I'm with @yoursilverlining, I don't know how to phrase it!). I don't think 12 is at all too young, if that's what your DH meant. If anything I'd say sooner. I had my first sex ed class in school at 10, and while that was a little sooner than I needed it, by 12 I was way more curious. There was a pregnant girl in my 8th grade class, so I would consider 12 a little late. I'll definitely emphasize consent and safety strongly, and that as long as consent is there then there is no "wrong" way to have fun sexually.
I will not, however, be like my MIL. She's just over the top open about sex, and for DH's 13th birthday she gave him some porn and a pocket p***y. Yes, really.
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@Torchwood: I think I'll probably just frame that as, "you should wait to have sex until you are in a committed and loving relationship. That kind of maturity usually doesn't come until you are college aged or later depending on the people."
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@Torchwood: Oh. My. God. If I were him, I may have died on the spot. I cannot imagine... Then again, when I went away to college, my mom asked me to call her often, but "if it has to do with naked, I don't want to hear about it", so my brothers definitely didn't get anything like that from her! Ha.
@.twist.: that's so ridiculous - as a stepmom, you are a parental and authority figure in their lives no matter how much she dislikes it. How sad for your stepsons, to have a mom like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. We have to deal with a lot of BS, but she definitely agrees that I have a role in parenting / disciplining the boys, and that it's ok that the boys love me too, even if she hates it. <hugs for you>
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I agree with everyone else, age appropriate honesty. My parents never had any sort of talk with me about it and it made me feel like I couldn't come to them if I had questions or worries. I want my LO to know that all of her feelings are normal, how important consent is, and that people can assign their own value to sex.
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I'd like to teach my son to respect himself and to have respect for girls (or boys if he so chooses). And I'd like to encourage him to wait for a committed and loving relationship. I also hope to figure out how to address promiscuity for other sexual acts, as well as age appropriateness. I do NOT want to be the mom of a kid attending "rainbow parties" at 13 years old.
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I'd like to tell the straight up truth in regards to the biology of it. In terms of the social aspect I'd like to teach my child to respect herself and others. I'd also like to share with her my own experiences and what I would have done differently.
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@ShootingStar: I am kinda scared to ask what a rainbow party is......
@ballerinabee: Thanks. Yes, it is ridiculous and if you can believe it, that's just the icing on the cake. lol.
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@.twist.: It involves BJs. And multiple girls. Each with a different lip color...
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@ShootingStar:
comes. 
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