Hellobee Boards

No advice but definitely commiseration. My son will be 4 in June and I see so.much.agressive behavior. Whenever angry, he will kick or hit at us, and/or purposely try to scratch us. I am constantly debating what is typical "threenager" behavior and what should be a red flag. I'm very curious (and somewhat nervous) to see what other posters think.

Possibly unrelated, but we are taking him to see a developmentalist in the summer because he has many sensory issues (freaks out when getting hair cut saying it hurts, only wants "soft" clothing, can't stand loud noises, etc).

Without knowing your child, I cannot comment on the normalcy of the behavior. I do think that the best thing you can do for your child is to start trying to teach him tools to redirect his aggression as opposed to try to deem it normal or abnormal. Regardless of whether it's normal, he needs to learn how to deal with it in a more socially acceptable manner the emotions he is feeling (i.e. hitting a pillow or something).

One thing you also didn't mention was how you are handling the aggression? What is your means of discipline?

In your specific example:

If my son ever showed aggression towards our dogs like hitting intentionally at an age where he knows better, we would have a big discussion about how owning a pet is a privilege and that if he cannot treat them properly they will have to go to another home. I've been around too many animals who have been traumatized by children to not take this very seriously. You would have to be prepared to follow through, though.

If our son violates our dog (usually grabbing her by the collar and trying to drag her somewhere), he gets an automatic time out and has to apologize to her. He often says that she (the dog) can't talk (so he shouldn't have to apologize I guess?) and we remind him that is why it is important to respect her boundaries.

I would also provide your dog with a safe space that your son does not have access. I am of the belief that behavior you observe is usually occurring more often, you simply aren't seeing it.

@reverie: My DS was 3.5/4 when I started seeing a Behavioral Analyst about his behavior - I was at the end of my rope and didn't know what to do. She doesn't work with the kids but works with the parents and gives you things to try at home - starting a journal is great - each week I would read to her my journal and we would get ideas of what to try next -it was a big help!

Lots of empathy, talking through issues ("I can see you're really angry, can you tell me about it? Can you draw your anger with this red crayon?") and lots of trigger avoidance! Also a lot of intentional roughhousing when you can fit it into your schedule.

I can commiserate because I actually had to take my kid out of a school and bring him home for this issue. It started to improve around 4.

@reverie: In hindsight I think my DS had a lot of "trauma" associated with DS2's birth. Last night he told me he loved me, his dad, his grandparents, and himself a "100" and DS2 only a 2 (out of 100 I guess!). So we had a big talk about what it means to be a big brother and how it feels like he has so many more responsibilities in comparison to his younger brother and how he gets in trouble for things that his brother can do no problem. Of course my DS is now 4.5 and so we can have those conversations. But at 3 it is harder for them to have any perspective.

@littlejoy: I agree too! We don't have a "NO TIMEOUT" policy, but once we started with the empathy and leaning into the problem stuff, the need for time out diminished and I don't think we have used it in years. Plus, we do more natural consequences, like if you throw X I take X away, rather than having a consequence like time out that is not associated with the situation. This is not to say I am a perfect parent by any means....when things all hit the fan at once I definitely lose my temper!

When LO2 was a baby, I had to take him somewhere or check on him in the crib or something and my dog actually bit my older DS. It barely broke the skin and was more of a "warning" but still...I definitely learned the hard way to keep them separate, that even a moment of alone time is really dangerous. I typically had an easier time with that, but at that moment our neighbors had just gotten a new puppy so ours was inside more often than usual so they wouldn't be barking at each other/trying to get to each other, etc. Dog stuff is stressful and I definitely advocate everyone having their own separate space. Our dog died less than a year later and I don't think we have any plans to get another any time soon. It was a serious strain on our family.

We are seeing this, too. Since he turned 4, MAJOR spike in aggressive behavior. And huge meltdowns. Swings in emotions so big, we just can't keep up. Drop off at daycare is an absolute nightmare, and I have panic attacks walking in to pick him up because his reports have gotten so bad. I know my friends with boys have all said that 4 was especially hard, but to me, this goes a step further than just 4 year old normal stuff. He got mad at his teacher one day and bashed his [own] head against the wall!

A lot of what @gingerbebe: says makes sense, but I think with D we're dealing with sensory issues, as well. He hates loud noises, gets scared in big crowds... and what seems to calm him down (if you get to him when he's still reachable) is textural stuff - a silicone potholder seems to be his thing.

I'm meeting with a family counselor next week to discuss his issues and talk about bring him in for therapy. And we also have applied for an Early Intervention evaluation.

Good luck, Mama. It is so hard! But I'm sure you're doing a great job!

@Mrs. Champagne: I mentioned this to OP as well, but definitely check out the book "Raising Cain" which is a great primer for how to manage boys. Not sure what you're religious affiliation is, but this book is completely secular psychology book with zero religious affiliation. I really liked it because it rides that middle line between "boys will be boys" (common Christian angle), and "boys are no different from girls, don't even breathe it." It has been two years since I read it, but the overall message is that boys tend to act out more as young children (baby boys actually cry more than girl babies), so it takes more to soothe them through the rough spots, but that the expectations of masculinity (stiff upper lip, etc.) make it so that parents are actually less accepting of their boys 'feelings, which just makes the situation worse and worse, because the boys internalize all the negative emotions instead of expressing them. Time and trigger avoidance are probably the best tools for dealing with the issue, but after that I say extreme empathy is my best tool, and even at 4 my son and I have had some really amazing conversations in those moments where I have the willpower to lean into his feelings instead of away from them.