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I hate all the purposeful and passive mommy-shaming. Who you are is enough. What you choose is perfect for your family. I'm a SAHM, but I don't even read those "mom is enough" articles. I feel no guilt about my decision, so I don't need someone else to tell me that I'm making a good choice. I am confident that my choice is right for my family, and that's good enough. In the same way, if you enjoy working - good on ya! Your decision is yours to own... don't let anyone else determine how you should feel about it. You're doing awesome!

Don't feel badly! I think working is going to be better for me AND my child. And here is why.

For me:
- I'll get real honest to God adult interaction.
- I'll get to feel like I'm contributing to my family and my child's financial stability
- I'll get a break from being a mommy that will make me excited to see my kid at night, and give me less time to get bogged down in the every day challenges of caring for a kid 24/7/52.
- I'll get to maintain an identity outside of "wife" and "mommy." As much as we don't want to believe it, our kids WILL grow up and move out and have their own lives and I don't want my life to feel empty because I don't know what to do with myself outside of taking care of kids.

For my daughter:
- She'll see that women can do more than be moms, if they want to.
- She'll get to learn that she's the best part of my life, but not the only part of my life (I have great fear of the "center of the universe" syndrome..)
- She won't have to deal with me getting all crazy when she leaves because I have nothing in my life beyond taking care of her.

I think either way you WANT to do the mom thing is fine. And there are definitely pros and cons of each. But for me? WOH makes me sense for me and my family I think.

ETA: I come to this perspective because my mom was sort of a SAHM. She did work but only ever jobs that didn't interfere with taking care of us full time and she never pursued a job she actually liked because she didn't want to take time away from raising kids. She had a SERIOUSLY hard time after I left for college because she was just… bored. She felt for a long time like her life had lost purpose and it has honestly taken her like, a decade, to find how to fill her time in a productive way. Even so, she still talks about how she wishes she'd done something for herself in her younger years and pursued a career she cared about.

@meganmp: the one I take personally sometimes is when women say to me "well, I'm LUCKY I'm able to stay home with my children" So I am unlucky? Yes, in some ways I guess I am, because if we had more money I might not "choose" to work. But damn! It feels like such a rude and judgemental comment!

@Mae: What you said! Very well put!

@photojane: "I am confident that my choice is right for my family, and that's good enough." LOVE this.

As long as we're doing what's best for us and our family, who cares! I'm just happy that the decision to be a SAHM or WOHM is one I have to make, because they both end in mom.

I'm on a maternity leave, but I actually said to DH the other day that I "feel like I'll like her so much better when she's not with me 24/7" and immediately felt so guilty, because I know from reading around here that the option of a year's paid leave is a huge blessing... but yeah... as much as I love her, I'm a little bored living in baby-land. Definitely not cut out to be a home maker, but great for people that love it.

I actually applied for an internal position at work that would require me to CHOOSE to come back from getting paid to be at home with LO because they actually need somebody in the role before August, and I just know the judgement is going to rain down hard.

I think the shaming is horrible. I think both SAH and WOH moms get it. From others, from each other.

I don't have anything witty or huge to add in addition to the well said responses above, but I did want to say that in regards to that article (which I actually reposted myself, and loved), I didn't think it was shaming at all. I feel like anything viral or not on the internet can be skewed in any direction, you know? I felt like it was just saying - whatever you're doing, working, home, hating life, loving life, exhausted or exhilarated by it, is enough for your kids.

On the flip side, I hate when I share something that I find nice (for example, that exact link) and get criticized for it. Not saying you did at all, but I get it from someone else..and that's not a good feeling either

ETA: If there was a viral article about how going to work and having time away from her kids was satisfying and made her a better mom, I wouldn't take offense to it at all. I don't know. Maybe it's just my personality - I have soooo much draaaaama in my personal life (thanks, ILs!!) - that I just can't bring myself to get upset by everything people post. I have some doozies on my friends list, so I'd spent a ton of time stressed and annoyed! lol.

Those articles annoy me because they don't apply to me. I have no problem admitting that I need more in my life and why. Maybe that article is nice for SAHMs but there are lots of nice WOHM articles, too.

I also think moms tend to be really defensive about their choices. We all do that sometimes. I try not to be unless someone is in my face-then I'll tell them the freak off (like the guy who asked if I shouldn't be home with my daughter. Bite me, dick). Nobody really gives much of a shit what we do, unless they are unhappy or sensitive about their OWN choices. Most women DO NOT CARE. But we think they do, ya know? I guess my give a shit has been dying over the year for the most part. So unless you're gonna say some shit about how I'm not raising my kid, I'm not there for her, or how I would be better off at home, you can suck it

While only 25% of women are SAHMs, something like 75% want to be. *shrug*. Consider the audience, I suppose. You're a more rare woman in today's society, I guess.

Long story short: good for the author. I am not her, so what works for her doesn't work for me. I could easily write a "why being just a mom isn't enough" article if I chose to, and inadvertently offend some lovely ladies in the process, ya know?

I work part time and I can't tell you how many times older SAHMd told me they wish they had done it. I mean, sure, sometimes it's condescending - I don't go to work for adult interaction or to drink coffee, but because I feel like my work is important and to contribute financially. Yes, it is the best of both worlds. But it's still hard!

What bothers me that I see on FB all the time is posts along the lines of "it's a full time job with no vacation, no sick leave, no days off!" Umm...I use my sick leave to take care of my kiddo when he is sick, I spend my days off with him, I take him with me on vacation. Being a PARENT is a full time job! No one gets a break!!*

*Confession: I was miserably sick a few weeks ago and took LO to daycare and went home. But he is a year old and I've never done anything like that for myself!

I'm just sick of all parenting articles!

I feel about that similar to how I feel about a lot of weight posts of FB. You know, the ones that show a curvy woman, and a super model, then say "real women have curves" or "men prefer a real woman" etc. - they are meant to lift up larger women and encourage them, but inadvertently shame skinny women.

Same with the mom stuff - everyone's just trying to make themselves feel better about the camp they are in. I take it with a grain of salt.

I'm starting to think that we, as a society, should just stop making a big deal over SAHM and WOHM/WAHM. Why is it our business anyway? Everyone does what they can for their kids! Why make a fuss?

We should treat it like income. No one talks about it, it just is.

@meganmp: Yeah, I think that articles like this are coming from a place of trying to make someone feel better. I read it and all I think is 'yeah, obviously it is, who are you trying to convince?' I know that some people really struggle to feel that they're contributing as a SAHM, which is ridiculous. The value of that kind of work in money alone is huge, not to mention all the other ways in which it is valuable. But some people struggle with believing so.

This is such an interesting thread and it couldn't have come at a better time for me, facing the prospect of going back to work in 4 weeks after a 7 month maternity leave.

I think that whichever path a mum takes there will be judgement - from others and more importantly from themselves.

Right now, the thing I covet most is choice. Like @sarac: says, someone who is able to choose for themselves the parenting path they wish to take is very, very fortunate indeed. For me, I have no choice, I have to work full time otherwise we can't pay the mortgage/bills. I hate that. I wish more than anything that I could claw back a bit more time with my girl - work part time, perhaps - but it's not an option. That said, I know people who have no choice but to stay home - for example when childcare and travel costs more than they can earn. Those mums are stuck home with a toddler, desperate for adult interaction and a sense of career achievement and long to go back to work.

The flip side, however, is that mums who get a choice then have to *make* that choice and stand by it. Whereas I can say "boo hoo, I wish I didn't have to leave my precious baby", it takes a lot of courage (great self esteem, perhaps?) for mums like @blackbird: to say "I choose to work because I need more in my life". I think this is what @cmomma17: is getting at - those mums who say that they are "lucky" they can stay home are implying that if @cmomma17: had the choice she would, of course, choose the *right* option and the *right* option is to stay home. It puts huge pressure on people who have chosen to work. Conversely, my friend has quit her job in the last couple of weeks because she doesn't want to return to work (her baby is a week younger than mine) and my DH was disgusted - he said that she is being selfish to put such financial pressure on their household and what kind of message is she sending their son about women? Sigh.

@Mae: I loved your list of reasons. I might print them off and put them on my desk at work to remind me why WOH is a great thing. Thank you.

@Cherrybee: you said it perfectly! It is definitely the choice that is the luxury and not all mom's get to make that call!

@autumnlove: ditto. I've quit reading parenting articles, especially the ones that have those undertones of nasty towards people who aren't doing it "their" way. Everyone works/doesn't work for different reasons. Everyone has guilt. Let's just let things be and let people BE parents, whether they work or don't work.

@sarac: I don't think it is out of left field. This was a comment said directly to me after other moms heard I was going back to work. They also looked either horrified or disappointed and made other comments like "you're not going to put LO in daycare are you?" (We didn't yet, but what if we did?) and (again) "I'm lucky my husband makes enough money so I don't have to work."

@cmomma17: I agree - I think the context is important. "I'm lucky I don't have to put my kid in daycare" is a bit more judgmental than "I'm lucky I have the luxury of choice whether or not to stay home". It's all about delivery and intent when it comes to that kind of statement.