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Is the event just a brunch or are you talking about another multi day visit? Do you normally always attend the brunch? If it’s just a brunch you normally attend and you skip because of your IL’s being there, then yes it will probably look petty/childish if you don’t go.

That being said I would be super annoyed with that ambush phone call from my mother in law and I wouldn’t want to attend either. Just know that if you don’t go, you’re looking forward to even more escalating awkwardness in the future.

Yes, it would be petty/childish and would do nothing but make your relationship even more strained. I am saying this as someone who is conflict avoidant, so I totally get it. I would go, focus on your children/other family members and be relieved that you will have a break after the holidays. I would also rethink spending so much time with them during Thanksgiving. A week is a long time.

My guess is that your MIL was referring to the fighting between you and your DH and how you were so preoccupied with that that you didn't say goodbye after she hosted for a week. I can see why that would be upsetting, especially since it changes the tone of tge whole visit. She probably didn't want to elaborate because she may not feel like it is her place to comment on your marriage. I don't think that the phone call was the right time or place.

Yes you still need to go unless you want it to get more awkward later. But, I’m a big fan of having myself look after issues with my parents, and DW handling issues with hers regardless of who got in the argument. I’m a little torn whether I would have your DH give a call to her prior to the brunch to smooth things over, or whether you should leave it be this close to the holidays and see how it goes in person and THEN call and smooth it over for the future so it isn’t hanging over your head forever. I’m weird because I hate conflict but I also MUST have conflict resolved so this would drive me nuts to not address.

I wouldn’t want to and would have a chip on my shoulder, but yes, I’d go. Is your kid a napper and you can just duck out fairly quickly after brunch?

@runnerd: ugh, it's such a mean joke that Thanksgiving and Christmas are four weeks apart. like everyone else said, it'll only amplify the problem if you don't go. it kind of sounds to me from everything you've said about her like your MIL is upset about a lot more than just this one (understandable and freaking *accidental*) incident. But, if she is going to be petulant and punitive and refuse to discuss the problem with you, then what choice do you have but to go and keep being mature and polite? Maybe your husband could get in her face privately and be like, "mom, cut the shit, what is bothering you here?" and clear the air that way. But otherwise it sounds like you've done everything that you can do.

I think you should go. I have some awkward relationships with people on my husband's side of the family, but everyone during Christmas makes small talk and keeps things friendly, so it's not like me going to an event would cause lots of drama and fighting. Just smile and try to get through the day.

@runnerd: I totally get the awkward MIL stuff and desire to avoid. How does your DH feel about missing this brunch?

@LCTBQE: This. It's his mom after all. 🤷

@runnerd: I think the honest answer to your question is yes it would be childish to try to avoid them. I dont think you can avoid them forever. I also think it was rude to leave their home without saying goodbye. Short of a medical emergency I dont think anything excuses leaving like that. If you have always gotten along with her, I would work towards getting back in her good books, this seems like something that can be fixed quite easily by facing it head on and speaking to her in person rather than trying to avoid it and allowing it to negatively impact more future events

@runnerd: personally I don’t think it is a huge deal to skip. You apologized. She didn’t drop it. It’s her problem now, I wouldn’t want to be around her either. Just seems like she’s creating more drama than necessary. Everyone has bad days, clearly you had one. That can be a lapse in judgement. But harping on something and dragging it out for a month isn’t just “having a bad day”. That’s called being an asshole.

I guess though if you don’t want to create more drama just go and keep it as brief as possible. Interact with kids instead of adults and act like you’re just playing with them or whatever. be cordial but don’t sit and engage in big conversations. I would get there as late as possible and leave as early as possible and blame it on something kid related like a nap or having a headache.

Also, I agree with @LCTBQE: on having your husband take her on. He should be telling her to drop it and move on. It was a bad day, it happens.

Other people have already said everything I would (yeah it sucks but you have to go). But I also want to say, if people held it against me like that every time I’m accidentally rude because of a kid meltdown, I’d have no friends left. I feel like a disaster every time I leave anywhere. Real friends/ loved ones don’t hold that against you. Of course you should have said goodbye but shit happens with little kids.

I agree with the others, let your husband deal with it, but go, don’t linger, make small talk.

@Mrsbells: I don’t think she’s saying she had a good reason. I think she’s saying she had a bad moment and she almost immediately apologized. And then apologized again over email.
Yes her MIL can be hurt, but come on. A human being, especially one who has been a mom with small children, should be able to accept an apology when someone clearly had a bad day and move on. She’s known her for 15 years, clearly this doesn’t happen often (if ever).

Also, maybe it’s just me, but if a guest left my home without saying goodbye I would assume it was a mistake or they were distracted. I wouldn’t be calling them all upset and carrying on resentment for weeks at a time. Mayyybe I would call and say “is everything ok? I didn’t get to say goodbye!”

@Mrsbells: Would you not forgive them after they apologized? And hold a grudge for a month?

@runnerd: is the brunch relatively close to your house? If so I would go and maybe bring flowers or something she specifically likes and hopefully that would be enough for her to end her behavior? I would not send the gifts back.
Do you generally like how she is with your kids? I would be bothered by the comments about my kids to other family and the spanking behind my back and would want to talk/email about that with her - not at the brunch but another time.
I am sorry you are going through this.

@Mrsbells: Reading the OPs follow up responses, it sounds to me like she hasn’t.

“I told her how sorry I was and exactly honestly why I left the way did and she had zero empathy, just kept repeating she didn’t know anyone who would treat family that way. Then DH called her after and said the same thing to him and if she found out he did that to my family she would be disappointed and he should get help.”

“well the email was my attempt to patch things over because I don’t like unresolved things. I had hoped she would respond maturely but her not acknowledging makes me feel even worse.”

“My MIL has been known to go 6 months without talking to her own siblings over disagreements that never disclosed details of, so its how she does and I’m not one to play games like that.”

So im still struggling to see why you were rude. It's not like you snuck off in the middle if the night. The inlaws weee out there as you were loading the cars. You were rolling down the window so your kiddo could say goodbye. You were clearly departing. Yeah, it would have been nice to waive and say goodbye, but I'm assuming that as you were loading up the cars and getting the kids ready to leave you thanked them for the visit/said how nice it was to see them?

My feeling is she's completely overreacting. She probably realized that a long stay is just too much for them and was picking a fight. Go to brunch and ignore her behavior. Classify it as she's being ridiculous

@runnerd: So sorry that you still feel awful. I really agree that what happened was minor and you have done what you can to make up for it. Love covers a multitude of sins out of necessity unless someone out there has a perfect family. And I don’t think yours was even a sin. Maybe not Ms. Manners perfect, but come on.

I would really encourage you to go to the brunch if you can get to a good place inside of yourself over the truth of what happened: you were human, you did the best you could in that moment and you are doing the best you can now. If you can release the guilt, I bet you could go over and it won’t feel so loaded even if she’s an ice queen and there’s awkwardness.

Someone once said to me that awkwardness is just real life. It doesn’t have to be avoided. Just let it be awkward and be a decent human. You could sit back and observe it all from a third-person perspective. Might even be fascinating!

[ETA: Out of the blue,] my FIL recently lambasted me over something that he should have said to DH, his own son. He tends to lay the wrongs of our family dynamic or our relationship on me and never speaks to his son about it. Your incident made me think that maybe your MIL holds you the most responsible over the incidents that drove you all to leave Thanksgiving in such a rush. Like is this flash of anger because she thinks you are the source of what ails your family dynamic? Long story short that’s not to bring more guilt on you but just to say what’s driving her bitterness. My DH needs to step up and address his dad, but hasn’t yet. This is very hard for me and it means that I do not look forward to spending time with his family in the future. So this leads me to heartedly agree that your DH is a huge operator in how brunch pans out.

I wouldn’t skip and I would make it a point to pull MIL to the side and talk. This talk doesn’t have to be a third apology or anything just a “hey, I’m so glad we get another holiday to spend together- let’s enjoy it.” Then, no matter her reaction you decide to have a good time with your kids, husband, and BIL & SIL. Let the positivity fill the room.