I am now 3.5 months postpartum and still haven't had sex. I have no desire to and I'm actually just really anxious about it. Can anyone identify with this? When other women in my mom group talk about having had sex after like, 6 or 8 weeks postpartum I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me.
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I wasn't in the mood either and probably could have gone.. a long while without doing it post baby.
I felt like DH had been deprived long enough so we tried for the first time a few days shy of 6 weeks pp.
It didn't hurt and definitely felt weird and different, but things got a lot better as time went on!
I would talk to your DH about it and see where he stands and how he's feeling about it too? -
I think it is the change in hormones and the way our bodies are still adjusting. I am 3.5 months pp too and although we have sex often, I am rarely in the mood. I just do it for my DH and to keep him happy. My libido has dropped significantly. there is nothing wrong with you!
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I feel like he's worried about pushing me, so he's not saying anything. Which is nice, but it's like, if we don't address this then it could go on forever. Ugh. I really don't want that.
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@Mrsdaredevil: You are a good wife!
Part of the problem, I think, is that we can kind of "hide" from the issue since we are genuinely busy. Since I'm with LO all day, by the time my husband gets home from work, it's like, all I want to do is have dinner together, clean up, get ready for bed, read a book and sleep. It's depressing.
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Maybe you could try having some romance. It's hard to be in the mood when you have no time to shower, you're always covered in spit up, you're exhausted, etc. Could you find a babysitter, get all prettied up and go to dinner or something?
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@artbee: I could, but I probably still wouldn't want to. I'm just so "meh" about it all.
I guess the question is, is it something you just kind of force yourself to go through with in the hopes that eventually, your interest will return?
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@meredithNYC: I can't help you there. I had interest way before the doctor even ok'ed it. But I still feel like it couldn't help to try to set the mood..... or even start by having your DH give you a massage, etc. and see where that leads you. Maybe you just need a little something to get you in the mood again!
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@meredithNYC: Yes, I'd say that for the first few times, I really wasn't interested, but I went through the motions, and actually once we had gotten started and had things moving along, I definitely got more into it.
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I could have written your post a week ago! And, I was on bedrest for 7 weeks before having LO so, no sex in our house for AWHILE. We finally DTD last week (at 3.5 mos PP) - I wanted to because I wanted to feel close again and also because I just wanted to get the first time over with (is that bad?) It was a little uncomfortable at first, but once we got going it was fine and didn't hurt at all. Looking forward to getting our sexlife back on track!
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I was so nervous about it pp, it took me a while to get the nerve up and try it again- I actually like it more now than pre-baby!
I probably could have gone a long, long time without thinking about it if I hadn't felt bad for my poor husband. Now I am much more interested, but still very tired.
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Although I cannot yet relate to the post partum sex issue, I can confidently say that there is nothing wrong with you or the situation! With all of the changing hormones and schedules that a pregnancy and a new baby bring, I can imagine that this would also be one of the last things on my mind for a long time after baby comes. Don't forget just how much your life has changed in a mere 3.5 months and every person is different and will adjust to those chanegs at her own pace.
I know that I have been feeling this way quite a lot during pregnancy and am also nervous about how things will work out in this department following baby's arrival.
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It took about a year with. Oth of my pregnancies to get my libido back. I just had sex to please my husband but I was rarely into it. I made sure it was at least once a week if not more. After about a year I seemed to return to normal. A lot of it is hormones.
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@meredithNYC: I'm also 3.5m pp- we had tried a couple of times after having the baby and it was super painful for me. It was also painful while I was pregnant, so I suspect that my cervix is really low. It was only this week that we tried again (after I had a strong drink) and it was finally feeling normal. I think that mine had to do with my cervix finally healing.
I also had a c sections, not a vaginal birth, so their was no tearing or discomfort "down there"
Have a glass of wine and give it a try. The important thing is to relax and give it a try. Everything should be all healed up now
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@Lozza: Okay, I suspected that it might come down to that. And I am probably going to have to initiate it since my husband is being so understanding (read: not really trying).
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@winniebee: Oh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one that is taking forever. Was your husband getting impatient, too? Or was it more you wanting to get things back to normal?
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@lemondrop: I'm way curious about the people who say it's better post-baby. I'm so hoping that's true, especially because it seems like it's all horror stories about "body after baby", you know? It would be great if something actually improved.
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@Oceanis723: Were you breastfeeding that whole year? I'm wondering if that affects the hormones. Although if that's the case I don't have any excuse since I quite breastfeeding a month ago.
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@babynumber1: You know, I also suspected that I have a low cervix. I never enjoyed pregnant sex. It was super uncomfortable/sometimes painful and it seemed like there was no position that made it better. Glad to know I'm not the only one.
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It was always a little uncomfortable for the first few minutes pre-baby, I think having the baby stretch things out has helped. Things happen for me a lot faster and more frequently now if you know what I mean ;). I like it a lot more now, but am usually still so tired that it rarely happens more than once a week- so I try to make that my minimal goal so we don't let life get in the way.
Don't forget lots of lube your first time back and some wine to relax you. Good luck, hope this helps, I was amazed how many people couldn't wait for their 6 weeks to be up, I was dreading it, so we waited a few more weeks past that.
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i know its not the same but we just DTD for the first time, over the weekend, after our miscarriage 2 weeks ago. But hadnt DTD in over a month...i was scared but i also wanted to feel that intimacy with DH. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for me after, but i am glad DH was there to comfort me.
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@MrsCastro: Oh, that couldn't have been easy. I'm glad your husband gave you the emotional support you needed because I can imagine emotions were running really high. I hope things get better over time.
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@meredithNYC: thank you, they are slowly getting there...
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Sex is awesome post baby, I can't describe it, but it's like the sensations are all magnified. It also took us a fair amount of time to have sex again...also around 4 months but it was worth the wait. We were just too tired in the beginning...we were in bed at 7 most nights, lol.
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With my first i didnt have sex until 6 months. I was terrified. Now, im also 3.5 and no sex yet.
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@meredithNYC: I was breastfeeding and I think it does have an effect on your hormones. When I stopped nursing my twins my libido returned. I got pregnant like six months later and it tanked again but now at 10 months post partum is seems to be returning.
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@meredithNYC: I'm 12 weeks pp and we still haven't. My husband isn't pressuring me and we're so tired all the time! I think we may try sometime this month. We have talked about it and he is ok that we haven't. I have no desire to dtd but I figure we have to get it over with sometime. Haha. That sounds so bad!
Have you talked to dh about it? Is he ok that you still want to wait a bit? Keep those lines of communication open is what I can suggest. -
I'm afraid to have sex pregnant, much less postpartum! I know it's silly, but I am. Especially, ahem... rougher varieties. I need to get over this hang up, I'm sure it won't be a problem, but I can't get into it while worrying about the baby the whole time!
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@meredithNYC: oh girl I have so been there!! Dh and I didn't dtd until about 4 mos pp!! Poor guy
He was so understanding too. He never pushed me or made me feel guilty. I had a lot of anxiety over it. I was not only afraid it would hurt, but I was deathly afraid of getting pregnant again. Even though we didn't dtd until 4 mos, we did, however do other things starting at 6 weeks- tmi, blow jobs and hand jobs lol. That really helped me feel more ready. And it made me feel less guilty about dh not having sex, he was still "satisfied".
It for sure was uncomfortable the first time and dh had to go so slow idk if it was even enjoyable for him... Definitely wasn't for me! I was grimacing and moaning (not the good kind!) the whole time. Poor dh! Talk about ruining a mans ego!!
Second time was slightly better but it wasn't until about the fifth time it started to stop hurting or being uncomfortable.
two months later and I still feel more "satisfied" doing other things as opposed to dtd, but we're getting there. Takes time and patience. Lots of lube and warn up massages lol!!
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There's nothing wrong with you.
Totally normal to feel that way. I'm 5 months pp with my second child and feel the same way I did after I had my first child. Also, breastfeeding has a lot to do with the huge libido drop. It does get better though!
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I don't have the urge at all, but we have done it about 3 or 4 times so far (LO is 2.5 months old) and it does get better as it goes along.
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I could have written this post as well. I'm nearly 11 weeks pp and we just started trying to DTD in the past two weeks but still haven't been overly successful. Aside from not feeling in the mood for it AT ALL, I also felt (TMI warning) as though I was splitting open down there. I had a second degree tear and whilst it has healed nicely (apparently), it still felt as though the skin was being stretched again and it really kind of hurt, so we stopped. We've done a couple of other things since then but haven't attempted actual sex since then.
Also, my poor DH, I was so not in the mood for it at all during pregnancy so he's gone without for the past 5 or 6 months. Poor guy, I can tell he's trying not to pressure me but I know he really misses that part of our life. Sigh. I just need to suck it up and get past the barrier the first time, knowing it will get better every time thereafter.
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Terrified! I read today couples on average wait 11 weeks pp to DTD. I can't imagine even being totally healed in 11 weeks!
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@mediagirl: I'm the same as far as viewing it as something to get over with. I wish I could say I wanted to, but um... no. It is something I think is important, though.
We have discussed it and my husband is super understanding. And to be honest, neither of us had really high sex drives before we got into this baby business, so I don't think either of us expected to jump right back into things. But still, I just wish I had the desire. But, it sounds like a lot of women don't, so at least I don't have to feel like a weirdo.
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@Arden: I never really liked pregnant sex, either! I just found it hugely uncomfortable and I would read about other women having these insanely high sex drives during pregnancy and just feel jealous!
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@Coco Bee: Hahaha-- it seems that lots of lube is the way to go. It's on my list for the next drug store run, for sure.
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@Coco Bee: I'm currently having the same issue of being terrified of getting pregnant again. I would have been more comfortable getting pregnant being 20 years old and unwed than I am now. Seriously. It's just that I am having a really hard time remembering to take the pill, and I'm currently on the mini pill, which I've never trusted. I have an appointment scheduled for next month to look into different BC options (plus my pap), because it is really hard to even think about sex right now. It sucks I can't get in earlier.
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@bree72: yeah I did extensive research on all the BCP options... all of them were linked with dramatic milk supply decreases... and I guess it just wasn't worth it to me personally. I didn't want to compromise EBF for BC. We are strictly using condoms... but we don't have sex too often... maybe once a week? but we do other non-intercourse things so that we both stay satisfied without the stress of sex.
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@looch: I am so jealous!
I am almost 5 months pp, and we've attempted it twice. Attempted being the key word. It was super painful (i had 3rd degree tearing), and DH refused to continue if i was going to be uncomfortable. Luckily, he talked about it with a few of his guy friends and knows that it will be a while before we have sex again.
For anyone who's had bad tearing, i highly recommend seeing a physiotherapist who specializes in postnatal care!
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@lemondrop: I also find sex to actually be a lot more comfortable post-baby than pre-baby... there were positions pre-baby that were really uncomfortable that now work great.
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