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@LAGS: Gosh, he said some pretty hurtful things!

But before I answer: how supportive is he in general... does he do night wakeups? Does he put the baby down, and give her bottles? How about on weekends?

I think he was out of line in expecting you to always accommodate his family. I agree with Penny Lane.

@LAGS: He doesn't help with night wakings at all? I would be SO annoyed, just by that!

I don't really have much advice, I'm the type who would tell DH that he has no right to be angry at all until he's done at least an entire night, and watched me sleep soundly while he struggles and struggles to get HIS child to sleep over and over again.

I hope you two figure this out! Don't give up though, this is not your fault!

"He doesn't offer to help put her down unless I'm an emotional wreck now - this is partly my fault because she resists going down with him and I have a bad habit of stepping in."

@LAGS: You raise a great point... it can be tough not to step in! Mrs. Yoyo addressed this in a really great blog post:

http://www.hellobee.com/2012/08/08/the-most-dangerous-phrase-in-motherhood/

I don't think it's spiteful at all to want to leave your LO alone with your SO! Maybe just for a few hours would be good? One thing though: you're not using your LO to make a point. It's really really good for her father to get that alone time with her, and strengthen their bond. It's one thing to build a bond while playing... but nothing builds a bond like caring for someone that depends on you!

I think that having a baby obviously complicates things, but maybe try and think how you would feel if your aunt was in town and he said "I had a bad night's sleep - can you cancel with her?" Maybe a better situation would have been for them to catch up not at your house, but at a coffee shop or bar or something.

Probably one of those things where no one is obviously right or wrong and talking it through without trying to figure out who was right will probably help a lot. Good luck! I'm sorry you had such a cruddy day.

@mrbee: Wow, Mr Bee. You're really nice!

@LAGS: You are NOT AT ALL out of line or inconsiderate of his or his family's feelings. He obviously has no idea what you're going through and IMO, is taking advantage of your generosity with your time and effort in taking care of the baby alone. You mentioned he plays with her, but that's the sweet, easy stuff!

If you're close to his Mother or sister, my suggestion is to tell them about what happened and how he's reacting. Any woman (or man that's taken care of a baby) would understand you and would back you up! That way if and when you decide to maybe take a weekend off by visiting your own family, he can't complain to anyone about it.

He needs to understand how hard it is and the only way for that to happen is to allow him to experience it on his own. Yes, your baby will cry, yes he will be frustrated and pathetic. But you know what, it'll be good for everyone!

Hugs!

I agree with Mr Bee. His is the voice of wisdom and of reason.

I, however, am not reasonable or wise so I'm going to keep my mouth shut, here, other than to say that I gasped with horror reading your post and I don't think you're being out of line at all.

My DH's family have a habit of calling to say they're on their way over, giving me 20 minutes to straighten the house. Without fail, this dissolves into a huge row between DH and I, because I get stressed and p'd at him for not helping - and he honestly doesn't understand why it's a big deal. I can imagine him saying "you wont be entertaining anyone" like your DH did.

I wonder what the actual problem is - what he's really upset about? It does sound like like you have a lot of talking to do. Sending you hugs.

I should add that I was close to my ex-MIL in this way and just the emotional support itself was stress-reducing.

@LAGS: I just think that if your DH feels wronged, it could help to hear from others that he's being unreasonable. Of course, if you think it'd make he react even more defensively, then it's probably not a good idea. And it would only work if you're already very close to your MIL or SIL and already share this type of info.

I think oftentimes when a small incident like this, turns into a huge argument it's because the smaller moment is representative of a bigger, unresolved issue. So if your DH has been feeling left out lately, he might see this as an exclusion of his family and therefore of himself rather than just a tired mom asking for some help. Like you get to make the decisions and he doesn't have a part in the discussion, or like you and the baby might be a private unit his family (and he himself) don't get to be a part of. So while you may not be wrong in this particular instance, you might be contributing to a bigger issue that this fight is representative of, if that makes sense. Also if you generally feel unappreciated, you might view this incident as a bigger comment on how much your husband values your work and effort. The real problem is the patterns of behavior this incident is indicative of, not the original much smaller issue issue and until you address the true problems, you'll probably keep repeating the same fight.

@mrbee: If my MIL was still alive, I think I'd be fine to talk to her about that kind of stuff. DH and I are both really close to his aunt, and I'll call her up just to talk sometimes and I'll sometimes tell her if I'm frustrated with DH and she's fine with it and often helpful. I don't share anything really intimate, but I'm fine saying "I don't think he understands how hard breastfeeding really is" or "I wish HE knew what it was like to never ever be able to sleep in" and the woman-bonding totally kicks in and we commiserate
It helps that we both know that we totally agree that DH is a great father and husband, so she knows I'm not picking on him, but am just tired and sometimes need to vent!

@LAGS: Just to let you know, I have tried to have those "spiteful" leave LO with him for a night kinda of things. It doesn't ever really work. On a few nights or business trips where I had to work, I thought, great he will see how hard it is to come in the door from work with a fussy LO and have to get everything unpacked, feed her dinner, and get her in bed. He handles her really well, but he will neglect all other things and focus 100% on her. If I could focus 100% on her it wouldn't be hard if I didn't have to also make a full dinner, and wash diapers/laundry, think about walking the dog, etc).

Basically, its easy for them to do it for a night or two but more often than not I have found it doesn't really help them experience what you really are going through.

First off. you are WAY nice for having DHs uncle over when he isn't even home! I'm close with my DHs family, but if said his uncle was dropping by when I wasn't home I'd be less than pleased!.. and I don't even have a baby!

I agree with Mr Bee.. he is giving you some great advice.

Good luck!

Sounds like a good plan there

One thing that kind of solidified when we had LO was that now, more than ever, our immediate family's needs come first. If I want to go out with friends while DH watches LO, but he gets sick, I cancel my plans. If DH's dad wants to visit during a week when I'm going to be really stressed with work deadlines, we tell him to pick another date. If LO has a bad night and we've RSVP'ed to an event the next day, but thinks LO needs to chill and nap well and be on schedule, we cancel our plans. No questions asked, no resentment... we trust each other to not ask for these things unless we really need it, and then we trust each other's judgement. If I call DH up while he's at poker night because the baby won't sleep and I'm overwhelmed, he comes home ASAP.

Personally, I really think your husband is in the wrong. If he was going to be the one to clean up the house and watch the baby and entertain his uncle while he was there, then I think that's maybe ok. But when it's all on you, you have the right to say now is not a convenient time for visitors. I don't see what the big deal is over your husband email his uncle and saying "hey baby was up all night and laggs isn't feeling well, we'll see you next time you're in town/next family holiday/whenever".

If it was me, I would ask DH to reserve judgment about how wrong I am until he's in my situation. And then instead of having your husband take over completely with the baby, on the weekend have him get up every single time you do. He can pick the baby up and bring her to you, he can sit there while you help her back to sleep. Let him see how often you do it, how long it takes, and how little sleep you really get and see if he feels like cleaning up the house the next morning.

You have already gotten some really good advice - I tend to agree with @mrbee (basically on everything, ha!)

I just want to wish you well...and know that every poster here has some dysfunction when it comes to raising and caring for children (whether we post about it or not). I do think that it is critical to get your husband involved in overnight/night routine care in some way. I know how you feel in some ways - my husband is a surgery resident and works crazy hours and many weekends. He's usually up at 5 and home at 7 or later during the week. I'm on an extended maternity leave (right now unpaid) and we're living off of his resident's salary and I made a lot more money than him. I used to feel guilty asking him to help overnight, but, like you, our baby's sleeping got quite poor and I was at my wits end. Finally, he offered and we agreed he would get up with the baby before midnight (if he wakes). He also did an early morning (5 am feeding) the other day. That has really helped.

@LAGS: I think because he goes to work and gets a break from the baby he doesnt understand how much stress and tension builds up taking care of the baby round the clock