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Life changes in so many ways. Some negative, but also some so positive you don't understand them until you experience them. Honestly, it sounds crazy, but hearing your baby laugh for the first time, watching them discover the world around them, seeing their face light up when you walk in the room... It's these things that get me through the challenging times. I'm 5.5 months postpartum and the first few months (like the first 4 I would say) had a lot of low moments where I just felt so overwhelmed, but that's pretty normal. Even still, there are days when I think "Oh my God. Life used to be so easy!" but despite that, I really would not change things for the world. My daughter is the light of my life and I can't wait to see who she becomes.

@MrsGeePerez: welcome! My LO just turned one and this has been the best year of my life and for DH too. I think we all worry if we are or are not going to be the best parents for our kids. It's amazing to see how life with child shapes us. My DH was amazing from the very beginning with LO and helping me with postpartum recovery. We had no idea what we were doing - we took a few classes but we had never babysat or spent much time with babies. Figuring it out together is fun.
I only needed to get up every 2 hours for a few weeks and then it stretched to four and by the time I went back to work at 8 weeks I only got up once a night for LO. Shortly after that he slept through the night. Sure there are bad hours or days but seeing LO grow and develop and knowing how that is because of your love is amazing.

This was a very well written post.

"Like there's this big secret that I'm just fully understanding, now—that having a child and the resulting transition into parenthood is actually an incredibly negative experience." <- *THIS* I think it's a good start that you understand this.

I think I was one of the rare lucky ones that my marriage got better with kids.

Before kids it felt like I was doing everything (cooking, cleaning and working full time on top of that – I didn’t really mind, I tend to like things a certain way) and when we had our first… it was hard!! Very hard!! I couldn’t do it *all* anymore. To my amazement my husband stepped it up and did things without me asking. We became an even more united front to take care of this tiny human that needed us. My love for him grew even more!

For us we agreed on almost everything when it came to raising our kid. Sure we have some disagreements on some things. Overall though having kids for us was a very positive experience.

I guess I want to say don’t worry!

Welcome!

Becoming a parent is absolutely life-changing and so wonderful and challenging at the same time. I think that there is a big focus on the difficulties in many online forums because it is so helpful for new parents (myself included!) to know that other people are experiencing challenges as well. When I had my first child it sometimes felt like the whole world expected me to feel amazingly happy all the time, and it was such a relief to hear that I wasn't the only one who didn't always feel that way.

I did have a difficult transition to motherhood, but I absolutely would not change anything for a second. I even chose to go through it again and have my son!

As far as relationships go - I miss the time that I used to have alone with my husband, but I absolutely have never loved him more. I knew that he was a great husband - but he is an absolutely wonderful father and that has deepened my love for him so much. We can't always focus on each other as much as we would like, but we are on the same team raising our two children.

As far as labor and delivery go - meh. I actually had very good experiences with minimal pain (yay epidural!) and relatively easy healing. I think that people are less likely to talk about experiences like this out of respect people who have had difficult deliveries and who are looking for support. This probably applies to a lot of issues - there isn't as much discussion about good experiences because where you really need the camaraderie is when you are having a tough time.

Basically - you're going to have great moments and you're going to have challenging moments. You're already on the right path by joining this community! Join the thread for your due date month if you haven't already. It makes all the difference to be talking to people who are going through the same thing that you are!

Welcome! It's great that you're reading a lot to prepare, but you've found the major downside of too much reading - you hear all the horror stories! You may find this thread helpful: http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/anyone-love-the-newborn-phase#post-2195661

There are many of us who enjoyed the newborn phase (and all the other phases), and had relatively easy babies - sleeping through the night after a couple months, generally happy and easygoing - and whose marriages are just as great after kids than before (with an added dimension even). Not to say it's fun 100% of the time, but for every negative story there's probably a positive story too. And it's great that you found this community, where you can share the good and the bad/frustrating/annoying!

Hi and welcome! I think it's very normal to feel a little overwhelmed by all the changes that are coming. Do you have family or friends close who will be able to help you at all?

Our LO is 16 months and I wasn't sure what to expect, but despite some major health issues, he has been such an easy baby. DH and I are still doing great. We went out for our 5th anniversary in June and I asked him to tell me five favorite memories of our five years of marriage. Immediately he said the day we brought LO home from the hospital. I knew it was special for both of us, but it took me by surprise that he mentioned that first. I love watching him with our son. There are days we don't get enough sleep or don't get to do things we used to, but it's so worth it!

Welcome!

Having a child *is* life-altering. My pregnancy and labor and delivery were far from ideal, but I'm actually looking to doing it again. A lot of women have super easy births (my SIL is about to have her 6th baby, in part because her birth experiences have always been a breeze). I had zero trouble breastfeeding...he latched on correctly right away, we never had any latch or supply issues, and the only pain I ever felt was when I was overly engorged.

I was up a lot at night at first, but he slept in our room for the first 6 months, so I barely had to wake up to feed/change him. I actually got more sleep after he was born because when I slept I actually *slept*, I didn't just toss uncomfortably from side to side before getting up for the billionth time to pee.

I was overwhelmed, but mostly in a positive way. I definitely had times when I had to put him in his crib screaming while I walked outside to take a breather, but those times were rare.

My marriage did get strained, but there were other underlying factors, like my husband not being fully on board with me being a SAHM...he felt a lot of pressure being the only breadwinner, and I felt resentful that he "got a break" at work. But even when at the worst of it we still felt more strongly bonded as a team than we ever had. Our marriage is far more solid after having a kid than it was before. In our particular situation, I'm much happier being a WOHM than I was a SAHM.

I did feel like I was in the trenches the first few months, but I look back on it positively. Maybe it's just the benefit of time...

I think it's good to prepare yourself for a not-ideal experience, but try not to stress about it. You may just as easily have an easy birth, get an infant who STTN early with no problems breastfeeding, and you'll fall even more in love with your SO as a dad.

I found it important that my husband be aware of the symptoms of PPD. I made sure I took a shower every evening after D got home...I don't understand moms who say they can't shower for days. D took him for a half hour (or however long I needed) while I took a long bath with a book or a hot shower. If the baby was crying he could take care of it, it's his kid too, and I needed time to feel like me.

Try not to make yourself a mommy martyr. If you're getting bitter and resentful about getting up with the baby, have dad change the baby and bring him to you to nurse in bed. A child can definitely be marriage-straining, but try to make a conscious effort to be a team, because you need to be.

Accept help whenever it's offered. I never had any hesitation letting my MIL take E for an hour or two so I could take a nap, or go get coffee and a pedicure, or whatever other me time I needed.

It is an overwhelming experience, but it isn't automatically a negative one, and it shouldn't be. My kid is great. I know all moms say that, but I really love the hell out of my kid. He just turned three, and brings *so* much joy to my life. My marriage is solid, and I'm very legitimately *happy*. (We'll see what happens with DD gets here at Christmas, though )

Great post and very timely. I'm due in November with our first and have had these thoughts many times. I have really enjoyed reading the responses, so thank you! I think the biggest takeaway for me is two-fold: being on the same "team" as your partner is crucial and time - for better or worse - is fleeting.
If you are due in November, please come join us!! http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/november-2015-moms/page/26#post-2280251

Ugh, I hate to hear this. I feel like this is the result of our current parenting oversharing culture - people get terrified that it is all terrible, all negative, all just the worst choice anyone ever made. Well, it usually isn't. I had all of the usual struggles, but I'd still say that my transition to motherhood was easy and pretty pain free. Maybe it will be for you, too.

I was infertile - so I got medical help to overcome it. Then I had a long crummy induction and missed out on the natural birth I wanted - which was really disappointing, for sure, but then I grieved it and moved on. Then my baby was in the nicu and wouldn't nurse - so I got help and we figured it out eventually.

I had some tearing and it sucked, and then it healed. I got stretch marks, and that sucked, and then I got over it. I gained some weight and then lost it. The sleep was not good, no, but it didn't kill me. My husband and I, yeah, we had a lot of work to do to redefine our roles and to make sure that we were sharing the load and all of that. And it was hard, for sure, but once we did that work we had a marriage that was ten times stronger and better.

All of this to say that yeah, it will be hard, but it is not usually terrible. None of those experiences are universal, and this absolutely terrible, awful experience of parenting is not the norm by any mean. If you have good support (spousal, family, social circle), if you have the ability to figure out what is working and what is not, and if you have the ability to cede control and to accept help - you will be fine.

Also, giving birth hurts like hell, but then it's over.

@MrsGeePerez: Yeah, I read that, and honestly - it offended me. Worse than unemployment, and worrying if you're going to lose your home? Worse than divorce, and losing your spouse? No, not for a second. My father died three years ago, and that emotional strain was an entirely different universe than parenting.

Some people will certainly feel this way. Some babies have colic, some women have bad PPD, or painful recoveries. Some babies sleep terribly for months. But to suggest that this is the average? No. Not at all. Every baby and every transition to motherhood is difficult, but not every one is devastating. Not even most. Everything in my life is better after becoming a parent. No, it didn't happen overnight, but it did happen.

@MrsGeePerez: "I'm over here preparing for battle". good analogy.
So, here's the thing. People like to complain. It's in our nature. We complain that our child is a terror, our baby woke up 6-7x last night, our baby won't eat solids, our toddler screams all the time and won't listen, etc. but very rarely do you hear parents talk anoint the good stuff. I think it's almost like we're afraid to or we don't want to "gloat".

Parenting IS hard. My first born was super high needs, colicky, cried constantly for the first 4m and didn't STTN till over one. I was waking up every 1-2 hours for a good 8 months. But in between all that there was so much joy that comes only from parenthood. Whe your baby gives you that gummy grin there is just nothing else in the world that compares. That unconditional love and dependence on you for everything is just about an elixir of life.
It is hard on your marriage. God bless those with easy kids. But if you're like most of us that don't have it, then that first year will be one of the hardest of your marriage. But in so many ways it will make your marriage stronger. You will love your husband in many more ways that you never thought possible.

It's a crazy ride, but it's the best there is!

@MrsGeePerez: Sounds like you're pretty well researched. your fears are totally valid.

Have you read up much on how wonderful parenting is? There are so many times that make everything worth it.

-when your baby snuggles against your while they are feeding (breast or bottle)
-when your baby falls asleep on your chest and your hand is 3" away from your phone but you'd rather sit there bored out of your mind than move that sweet smelling baby.
-when your baby says mommy or mama or mummy for the first time.
-what you hold this infant and realize you made him/her.
-when your child hurts him/herself and the only person who can comfort them is you.
-when they smile and laugh at and with you.
-when they start doing things that make you stand back and say, wow. I'm so proud of you.

Motherhood is wonderful. Sure, there's a lot of stuff to get through but it is so worth it.

It will be okay! Big hugs to you

I think it's totally normal to be terrified b/c life does completely change! And I think often times we talk about the hardships so that we feet are set firmly on reality and that we can mentally prepare/brace ourselves.

DD is 9 months, and honestly, while the tough is tough, and your life is completely different, it is so true when people say the cliche "it's worth it". DD doesn't STTN. Am I tired? Heck yes. Do I miss me time? Heck yes. Can our marriage be better? Heck yes.

But I think you have to keep in mind the big picture; the toughest times is really not that long when you zoom out. And seeing your baby, holding your baby, knowing that they depend on you, watching them grow.. It really is worth every tear/every sleepless night.

I love this post so much. I recently had these exact thoughts, and I still am in the early stages. I went from total confidence and excitement about pregnancy (and twins) to "holy hell what if I can't do this, etc etc." I'm trying to read less.... Much less. The majority of moms reiterate that it's hard but you figure out what works best for you. I'm still more scared of preparation and delivery complications than actually having no sleep/being a feeding machine/crying all the time (me and babies). I just want to give you a big hug and thank you for your honesty.

Hi,

The opposite of you, I feel like I was underprepared because no one really gave me negativity and I didn't read about it(just blocked it all out lalala) and everyone was actually really positive, so I felt like something was wrong with me when things were hard. I think you are smart to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I think I was naive in retrospect and that was a disservice to my sanity when things went downhill. It's okay for it to be hard and you will have a unique experience that no one else can exactly talk you though anyway. So, I think you have a good handle on it and it won't be as bad as you are anxiously accounting for since you are ready for everything that could go wrong and most of it probably won't. I remember feeling like everyone else knew something I didn't and that's not true, it's just that everyone has their own struggles and joys. We're all different and we have our own paths to walk. We should support each other instead of threateningly saying, "You'll see" because everyone is different and will react to the same scenario in different ways. Be kind to yourself! The hardest thing is accepting that some things are out of my control, as a mom and as a human being, but we have to try to surrender and find peace somehow. It does help to talk to people, but most of all, listen to yourself.