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A few things - you're absolutely not going to lose their love by disciplining them. They might not like you at times, and you're definitely going to make them cry, but they're always going to love you, it's clear from all your posts how much you love and care for your kids. You're raising them to be good adults, and sometimes that's not fun for them (or for you!) and you have to just know that they're going to yell "I HATE YOU!" and they don't mean it and they'll be ok in 15 minutes after they've thrown a bunch of stuff around in their room or stomped up the stairs or had a crying fit.

I don't think 'threaten to tell dad' should be one of your resources, that's making your husband be the bad cop and pitting the two of you against each other, you need to be a team.

Don't threaten anything you aren't going to follow through on. If you say you're going to do something, you have to be prepared to do it.

I don't think there's one thing that's going to work for that age range, honestly. And I also think some of that just sounds like normal kid stuff and you're putting expectations on them that they can't support and reading bad intentions into things - they don't know you're running late, and they're not trying to slow you down on purpose.

All that being said, I really found the book 1-2-3 Magic useful and intuitive for me.

Not a book, but I really like the podcast Good Inside with Dr. Becky.

I've also found the "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk" books helpful. I think there's one that's more geared toward "little kids" for younger kids, ages 2-7.

@Aria: I also always recommend Janet Lansbury for parents of young children. I love her focus on setting boundaries in a loving and supportive way.

I’m addition to many of the resources shady listed, I liked the book Hunt, Gather, Parent.

@CatchAFallingStar: I think you got some great advice above. I also wanted to suggest the work of Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, who use a lot of attachment and science to explain how parents need to set consistent boundaries and reflect on areas of challenge for themselves to avoid reactivity or inconsistent responding. I would probably suggest “no drama discipline” to start with as it is most specific.

I also take the view that kids need grown ups to be nurturing, protective, responsive and consistent. There is a sense of relief and security that kids derive from knowing what to expect and that it is going to be the same (we always brush teeth before we read a story; we always eat our growing food before sweets) and seeing those expectations you set as helpful rather than harmful may help you shift your approach to them.

Not book related, but we’ve recently implemented privileges with our two (7 and 4). Their current privileges are dessert, picking a tv show after school, bedtime story/game, and light (keeping a light on after bedtime to read/look at books quietly).

They still come home from school on colors, so if they come home on yellow they loose a privilege, but can pick which one they want it to be. Or based on actual behavior at home, may loose one.

It’s been working since there’s still some choice for them, and it’s actual changes we can implement and execute (unlike canceling events which can be a lot harder!)