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Deciding to be done, even though you'd like one more

  1. LCTBQE

    nectarine / 2461 posts

    @agold: we’ve talked about this before, but samesies re everything. I feel a little disappointed in myself, but kind of like @DesertDreams88: said, idea sounds great but in reality: the money and time and energy required I think would spread me thin to the point of breaking, plus my husband and I both really dislike living in chaos and disorder, not to mention the pregnancy. I do feel a lot lighter knowing that I never have to worry about the whole scary world of ttc/pregnancy/newborn days again. But then deep down I think that only two is a tiny bit sad. So, solidarity.

    @Shantuck:

  2. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4462 posts

    @agold: I only have one now, so the 2-3 decision feels a bit premature, but I expect it's very unlikely we'll ultimately try for a third, even though I initially liked the idea of a 3rd. Two main reasons are that we don't have family nearby (raising kids w/o family support is HARD) and I'm already AMA. LO is 15 months, still BF, and I'm currently 7 weeks pregnant. Pregnancy with a young toddler is already killing me, and realistically if I wanted a 3rd I'd need to start trying as soon as I got my period back from the second. If I was 28 and lived near retired grandparents, I think I'd feel very differently. But realistically, I'm 36 and my parents work 2000 miles away, and I just don't know how we'd logistically handle 3 young kids.

  3. Mrs Green Grass

    pomelo / 5628 posts

    I want one more ( I have one) but DH and I compromised before we were married on 1. And then 1 was very hard to have,..IVF, Micropreemie. So I use those things to justify but I still wish I had two. But there are lots of benefits to just having one!

  4. SweetiePie

    honeydew / 7463 posts

    @LCTBQE: Yes all of this. We have both said in THEORY we like the idea of a third child. But the thought of going “backwards” once again and doing the baby stage all over. We just don’t have it in us. We like that attention we are able to give 2. We like the man-to-man coverage of two.
    We also have another pgd “normal” embryo so it’s been especially difficult for me. It was so unlikely we’d have a 2nd and now to know we actually have a third good embryo makes me feel like it was meant to be (kinda). But again. We’re at 14 months with our 2nd and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel of this infant/baby stage and the idea of things getting easier again feels like such a relief. For example, we’re traveling right now with only the 4.5yo and it’s so easy. It’s so much harder with the 14mo!

  5. crazydoglady

    nectarine / 2431 posts

    @mrsrain: This is me exactly.

    I always envisioned myself with 3 children, but I just can't do it again. Getting pregnant both times was difficult and heartbreaking, and I just don't think I could do it again. I also get really bad morning sickness and don't enjoy pregnancy.
    More importantly, DH isn't willing and has never been willing to have a 3rd (he expressed that when we first started dating.) He knows his limits. There is a part of me that is sad since my daughter is 8 months old now and not the teeny tiny baby. The part of me that wants another baby really just wants to relive the moments that I think I took for granted because I was too tired/frustrated/exhausted. It's the part of me that wishes I had studied their tiny faces more while I nursed instead of looking at my phone, reading, or watching tv. It's the part of me that still listens to the "enjoy every moment" platitude. I know I studied their faces, I just wish I had done it "more." The thing is, I don't love the baby phase. I love babies and I specifically love my children, but I don't love the shift in my role or the overwhelming dependency on me.

    Anyway, we've taken permanent measures, so that chapter is done, I am trying to focus on where we are headed vs what we are leaving behind and it's a little exciting to plan what we envision for our family. I have to keep reminding myself that whether you have one child or twelve, there will be always be the last baby.

  6. crazydoglady

    nectarine / 2431 posts

    @lilyofthewest:

  7. psw27

    pomelo / 5220 posts

    I want one more. DH wants one more. But the rational side of me is like, we are drowning now so why would we add to the craziness of life... We can sort of afford it (daycare. woof.) and we have the space in our house. But I feel so tired and like a sh*t mom to my 2 that I already have because of work and long commutes that I don't know how I would handle it. I think if we had a third I'd need to seriously think about quitting my job for a while and that isn't really an option or a desire (Where are these elusive amazing part time jobs?!). We just aren't there yet so the waiting game continues. My youngest is 2 and I'm 36 so we probably need to decide soon. My heart and head have 2 different discussions on a daily basis.

  8. Iced Tea

    persimmon / 1310 posts

    @crazydoglady: I like what you said about really just wanting to relive the moments. I think it's the same for me as well.

    I've looked through pictures a lot lately and I love seeing their cuteness and cleverness, but I ALSO see how freakin' miserable I was as a pregnant lady with hyperemesis (had it both times!). That brings me back to reality real quick. I'm pale as a ghost and exhausted in almost every picture.

  9. Ajsmommy

    pomegranate / 3355 posts

    We went through this after lo1 and then we had secondary infertility so we did treatments and they got to be too much (physically, mentally, emotionally and financially) so we decided to stop. It took me a while to get to that point but once I did I felt oddly fine with it. It happened for me when I was talking to one friend who asked me if I was happy... in that moment with DH and LO1 and I was... That's when I decided we were done even though I wanted one more.

  10. graceandjoy

    pear / 1565 posts

    @SweetiePie: Can't agree more, everything is IN THEORY lol!

  11. Mrs. Sketchbook

    GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts

    This past year we went through the whole "stay at 2 or go for 3" and went back and forth. Finally we sat down and hashed it all out (actually during a layover at an airport, the only time we have to have such a complex conversation!). We decided that we were more interested in reliving a phase vs. actually adding another person to our family. So, no third. For six months after that I still went back and forth. But then we hit a hard patch (expenses, extracurriculars, work, etc.) and I kept thinking how glad I was to not be pregnant or have a third. Right now I honestly feel like I'm just running through my days without really experiencing anything....I could use more time to just soak up my kids in this phase. Plus my youngest is four and we can do really fun stuff, like let them play outside with less direct supervision, go on big extended family campouts and hike trips where the kids sort of band together, go kayaking as a family, longer hikes, extended road trips, etc....the idea of putting big kid stuff off for another 3+ years is unappealing to me now. Plus I've started developing some new goals. Secretly I have a hard time imagining what my trajectory will be once my youngest is in school so having a third was a way to temporarily relieve that anxiety. But that's not a reason to add another person to our family and I need to trust that I will find other things to dig into as my kids become more independent.

  12. agold

    grapefruit / 4024 posts

    Thank you all for responding and helping me sort out my feelings on this. I can agree with you all on just about everything. I think we are holding off on the snip for a bit longer, but really close to feeling final about stopping at 2.

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