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I always tell her to hug them goodbye, but we will NEVER force her to. She has to know it's her body, and no one can make her be intimate if she dosn't want to.
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We tell her to and she is affectionate so she almost always does. But, if she doesn't want to, we don't force her.
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@Raindrop: you're not alone. I admit I do expect it and if for some reason she isn't hugging them goodbye I bug her to do it. It's not typically a struggle. She sees her grandparents very often and is close to them and will generally hug them on her own. I just know how happy it makes my parents and DH's mom to get hugs and kisses from DD. I will admit if she didn't end up hugging them for a reason, I'd be a little ticked.
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I think it depends on their relationship. My LOs hug their grandparents, but I think that is more of a reflection upon how close they are and the effort their grandparents put in to nurture that comfortable relationship.
I don't hug one set of my grandparents, as the close bond just was never there.
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I hope they do, but I won't force it. My mother in law basically demanded a hug once from DS1 and it really pissed me off.
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I don't expect my child to do anything. It's her body & personal space. And if an adult gets put out because my child doesn't want to hug them, I'd find that super weird.
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Yes, always. It's considered very rude and disrespectful in my family not to. The exception is if she's throwing a fit for some other reason. Then my parents don't ever press the issue, nor do DH's.
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@delight: @Raindrop: when we were younger, my sisters and I would show defiance by refusing to hug my parents or grandparents. It made them crazy, because we were just doing it to tick them off. And now I can say, it would hurt my parents, and DH's, so it would make me angry,too, if that were the reason my kids didn't want to hug them.
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We are rarely around our families so they are pretty cognizant of the fact that they are "strangers", even though it's heartbreaking to think of yourself as a stranger to your own grandchild. They don't expect it nor do they push it, they give him time to warm up to them and it works out.
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@Ree723: I agree with this-very well written.
People who expect hugs or affection as the cultural norm are not trying to prime their children for abuse or emotional manipulation. I actually find it extremely insulting that some comments have insinuated that. *I* expect a hug and a kiss before bed/after a tantrum/when I'm leaving. Does that make me manipulative?? And for the record, when she doesn't want to give one to me, it's because she wants me to tickle her and steal some from her while she belly-laughs.
It comes down to trust. I trust my husband, my parents, and my in-laws. I would never force her to hug someone I didn't personally trust, and I try my utmost never to put her in a situation that could be dangerous for her. Can I protect her 100%? No. But do I think that any danger she could come across would be from expecting her to hug her grandparents? Hell no.
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My son actually likes hugging and giving kisses. He is like that with everyone. He is my personal care bear. lol
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@LovelyPlum: to each their own, but I won't apologize for my opinion on it. I don't understand why it's insulting if you're comfortable with what you're doing, go for it that's your choice. I find nothing wrong with having an expectation, but it's crossing a line when you try and force your expectation on an unwilling participant in my opinion. i come from a very affectionate families but sti not going to let myself or my kids Feel guilty about not showing physician affection if they don't want to.
There are plenty of opportunities to teach our kids how their behavior impacts others. I don't feel that physical affection is the right place. I'm not saying it primes them for abuse necessarily but it feels very much manipulative and like coercion when someone fake cries or tells DD they're sad because she won't hug them. Her not hugging them isn't doing anything to them that should make them sad - that's their emotions to own, not hers to deal with. Sure, I tell her it makes me sad when she hits me, but she's doing something to harm me, not doing something with her body she doesn't want to do isn't. She doesn't have to do anything with her body to make someone else happy.
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@catomd00: I am not asking you to apologize for where your personal line is. What I take unbridge with is the idea that someone whose comfort zone includes expecting a hug as a show of respect is somehow inherently bad or wrong.
I will say that in general I find the argument that a child should never do *anything* with his/her body that s/he doesn't want to be unconvincing. Of course they will: shots and doctor's exams come to mind. And I know we've had this discussuon on here before, and many people claim they're different. But does a child know that?
It's reasons like this that I think it's important to convey that there's different kinds of touching. A doctor feeling your belly for an exam? Appropriate. A simple hug to a grandparent or loved one? Appropriate. That same person touching your privates in a way that makes you feel weird? Very inappropriate.
It comes down to the fact that I don't see physical contact as a black and white issue, and I find it surprising that so many people do. Of course I want to teach my daughter to respect and love her body and defend it at all costs. It's something I've thought a great deal about. I have four sisters, and one in particular that is very beautiful and naturally affectionate. I worried about her a lot in college, fearing she might be taken advantage of, but I needn't have. She proved to be very self-confident and told off more than one person who wanted more physically than she was willing to give. So to me, I think it is more important to teach my daughter to be self-confident, help her navigate the sublties of different kinds of relationships with peers and adults, and raise her in a trusting environment where she feels free to tell us anything, than to lay down hard and fast rules that she never has to do anything that she doesn't want to with her body. Because while the spirit of that last bit is mostly true, it's just not that simple.
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@Applesandbananas: the warm-up period is a good point. We are a minimum of 4 hours from our families, and I do ask that they give her space when we first get there. I think that's only fair to her to reacclimate in an environment that's not her own.
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