Hellobee Boards

I totally empathize with this. DH took *a lot* of convincing to go for #2 and then it took 4 miscarriages to get her. I'm turning 43 in a few weeks, and we're definitely not adding any more kids. But I have a supervisor at work who is pregnant, and I'm totally jealous of the baby kicks and feeling a little sad that I'll never be pregnant again. I've said multiple times recently that if I had started younger, we had more money, and I had a different DH, I might have wanted 3 kids. But that's not the life I have, and that's okay.

I think a couple things have been helping. The first is time. DD is now 3 years old and things are starting to get easier again. Also, trying to lean into the idea of middle age - I recommend Laurie Notaro's new book called Excuse Me While I Disappear. I've been talking a lot about starting to feel middle-aged lately because I'm trying to process the idea and integrate it into my idea of myself. I think of any next stage in life as a process and normalizing all your feelings around it. It's the same as any stage with our kids and the not so good things that come with it - I don't have to like it, but it's developmentally appropriate (in this case, to be a little sad about aging). I find that I'm also really interested in the experiences of older adults recently and how it must feel to know that you are towards the end of your life, and I assume that's related to my own feelings around aging and feeling like, for the first time, I can envision myself being elderly, which is so crazy. So, nothing earth shattering here, but just empathy and giving yourself time to process all those feelings.

I'm younger then you, only 35 but I permanently closed the baby factory when I had a hysterotomy last year, It was hard as hell emotionally to make that choice even knowing we were one and done there is something very hard about making the final call. I just kept sitting with it and thinking about what makes our family work as it is.

You mentioned that you give yourself grace while pregnant, and I wonder if there are ways you could generalize that grace into non-pregnant life? Grace is one of the big things I feel like I gained from my struggles getting and staying pregnant. For me, it looks like understanding that I’m doing what I can and trying to accept my limits. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes not, but it’s a journey not a destination.

In terms of transitioning into middle age, I’m 38 and have been thinking about it a lot as I approach 40. I think, the thing you said about seeing other people is really telling in that we’re all going through it, it’s just not right get on the surface. What you see with others, they likely see in you too. If I remember correctly you’re a doctor with three littles and a successful marriage. Outwardly, you probably don’t look like you’re struggling with aging just like you don’t see others as struggling, which I guess comes back to giving yourself grace and the space you need to work through it.

My baby factory is also closed after #2 arrived in December, but my emotions are much different. Three or four kids would be beautiful, but I’m happy to know I’ll never have to go through the same struggles I’ve had to get and stay pregnant again. It’s a weight off my shoulders, truly.

I have been thinking about your post and wanted to add a couple of things once I read other people's posts, too. I have conflicting suggestions The first is that (which of course you know) you won't be able to keep having babies forever just to feel young and replace people who are passing, so at some point you'll have to sit with those feelings, process them, and move on. You don't want to get stuck mourning aging forever. But I think it will always be a little bit of a mindf*ck to see ourselves in the mirror as we age since none of us really feel middle-aged internally.

But then on the other hand, maybe think about what is actually upsetting you and see if there's anything you can do to help. Like, if you're worrying about your looks changing as you age, maybe treat yourself to some new eye cream and make-up, or a really good pair of jeans that fit well, if that might make you feel more confident about your looks. There are also a few instagram pages I started following of older ladies who look awesome (but also their real age - not like tons of plastic surgery or anything). One is called iconaccidental.

@yellowbeach: Its hard! 5.5, 3 and 17 months here. We are done. I have my moments. It makes me sad but I know it’s best that we are done. I think you have to give yourself grace and can “grieve “ but you know what is best and i think if 4 is too much and comes with a lot of added stuff than stay strong and work through this. This is a good start posting here!

I am sorry and I get it, my kids are 7, almost 5 and almost 3. My husband would actually like a fourth and I deep down would but I am almost 41 and there is beauty in getting out of diapers and not missing my older kids activities. Plus I have seen so much struggle/loss that I feel like I would be tempting fate, my anxiety has increased with every pregnancy and how blessed we are.

But that doesn’t stop me aching for another pregnancy and baby, I love both. It is expected to mourn that and it is ok. I still have yet to schedule my appointment to cut my tubes 🙃, avoiding that I am officially closed.

I think after being in the baby stage for so long it is normal to feel lost in your body. Yours are still young, I have finally been prioritizing myself this year. Getting back to the gym, doing my hair again, things that I had just let go. It has made a world of difference. I do see a therapist who I adore and she has been my cheerleader. I would encourage you to ask around, get on wait lists. Mental health is impossible in the US but there are gems out there and it may just take time.

I also kept not buying new clothes, waiting for the weight to come off. Buy the clothes! Having clothes that fit and make you feel good is amazing, ignore the size. Not sure if that is even part of your struggle but just a thing that I did to myself for too long. I won’t tell you the size range I have in my closet . I am working to embrace middle age and I think there is beauty in it, not easy but you will find your way.