My Mom invited me over for lunch today. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and she is so excited to be a grandma! We spent the afternoon chatting and talking about babies, and I guess my Mom started feeling nostalgic because she wanted to look at my baby book.

Just a little background about me, I'm an only child and my father died tragically when I was four months old. I struggled as a child over not having a dad, but after years in therapy I find that I rarely ever feel grief about my father anymore. But my baby book opened up my hormonal flood gates! I read the words my father said when he first saw me and the nicknames he called me as a baby. I became so overcome with grief. I couldn't stop crying. Full on, whole body sobbing. I just felt such pain thinking of my mother losing the love of her life and becoming a mother all at the same time. I continued to cry as I read that my first words were "dada" and I used to call our pets "daddy." My mom felt terribly guilty for making me cry, but I reassured her I was ok and that hormones had taken over my body! And after nice, big bowl of my favorite ice cream (my Mom knows me so well) I started feeling better.

I've been thinking about my tears and where they came from and realized I had tears for so many reasons. Tears of sadness for the pain my mother must have felt watching me grow and reach milestones my dad would never see. I had tears for the father I never knew and that my children will never know. But amongst all those tears of grief, were tears of joy. I am so happy that I married the man I love and that we are going to have a child together. I feel so incredibly blessed to have my mother, who is the most amazing person I know. How she raised me with so much love, through so much heartache is miraculous.

So I had a nice, cleansing, hormonal cry. It felt good. Difficult, but good. And writing this has been very therapeutic. Hellobee is the best!

xxx I love you dearly Mom! I love you Dad. Thank you for watching over me and loving me. I hope I've made you made proud. xxx