How often does your SO do activities on their own that doesn't involve you or the family in some way? DH enjoys going to the shooting range and asked to go tonight after work. We have a 2.5 yo and a 10 month old so weeknights are kinda crazy (and I WOH). I got a little miffed about it. I prefer a little advanced notice on these sorts of things and suggested Thursday was better, but he pushed for tonight. He just went shooting on Sunday afternoon. He really doesn't do stuff like this much but I am just wondering what the norm is for people with busy lives and young children. I basically never do anything other than get up early in the morning and work out at a gym several days/week. Everyone else is still in bed except maybe the last 15 minutes that I'm gone though so I don't really see it as the same thing... I hate that I feel like a tyrant whenever this stuff comes up. I suggested he start planning a night per week so that its on the schedule and I can anticipate it. I know I'm sort of being inflexible and I"m wondering what the norm is?
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
We don't have it worked out yet, and we have one 18 m old Lo. I SAH so it's a little different. Generally when c is having a good day/ week, I don't mind when Dh goes to the gym after work or whatever, but when she is having a tough week I get upset about it. He does try to plan more in advance and give me notice now. And like you, I don't have that many things I do alone out of the house. It's tough and definitely a work in progress.
pomegranate / 3275 posts
In this situation, I use to be the one who would disappear after work. However, I'm a SAHM so I've been alone with the kids all day long and I need a little alone time. I would go out maybe once every two weeks, sometimes a little more sometimes a little less. These nights out (frequently just dinner with friends, after my kids had already eaten so DH only had to put them to bed by himself) were planned in advance.
I can totally see how you would be miffed about this. I think asking for a schedule, or at least advance notice, is totally acceptable. I would want it too!
grapefruit / 4649 posts
I am interested in this too. My husband has something two nights a week and sometimes Saturday mornings (although that has decreased dramatically recently.) he also serves on several committees that probably take an average of four hours a week, some weeks are zero and others are eight though. He does most of that during work hours but he works loony hours so I feel like if he cut that stuff out he would be able to be done work sooner, although he disagrees with that.
I struggle with having me time too because his hours are late enough that I can't leave when he gets home and go anywhere but Starbucks and be back in time for the bedtime nursing session and she won't take a bottle then.
So clearly we aren't the ideal model over here!
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
DH has played flag football and would be gone one night per week. I didn't like it but at least it was pre-scheduled. I would say knowing in advance is totally reasonable.
eggplant / 11716 posts
For me personally, once or maybe twice a month of "surprise" extracurriculars is my limit. Luckily, my husband only calls for something like a last-minute work happy hours about once every other month.
squash / 13208 posts
It use to bother me when I never went out but then I started to go out in the evenings as well so now I feel much better about it!
We have a calendar and I mark my gym days in purple and his meetings/events are in red - so one quick look at the calendar we know whats going on!
pineapple / 12526 posts
I mean... Im an abnormal example because Im an actor and do theatre, but Im gone 3-4-5-6 nights a week for weeks at a time. I did a show from October-December last Fall and I was gone 4 nights a week during rehearsals and 5-6 nights a week during tech, dress and performances. I just started a new show this week and it's going to be 3-4 nights a week for 7 weeks. It's a full disclosure though, and I have a calendar posted on the fridge of exactly when Im going to be gone.
DH goes out on weekend nights to play board games with his friend, and I dont feel like I can really complain. lol
watermelon / 14467 posts
Advance notice is prized by me. My husband is trying to get back into mountain biking and I'm trying to work with him, but this time of year, it's so dependent on the weather and he gets angry if the weather changes. So I don't know what to do. But you are not wrong for wanting advance notice.
eggplant / 11824 posts
We both WHO FT and rarely do things alone during the week, probably because there just isn’t time. However, we have a weekend system which is that we each are entitled to a chunk of time alone over the weekend. So, one parent gets to stay home if they want (alone), or go out and do whatever they like for 3-4 hours while the other has LO. This works well for us, because we both take advantage of it and both get a break and time to take part in our own hobbies/interests.
papaya / 10343 posts
Right now he doesn't do much fun stuff because he is in night school so two nights per week he is in class and doesn't get home until long after (LO's) bedtime and then usually one other night after work, or afternoon on the weekend, he'll have to meet with one of his school groups to do something. Plus he has a ton of homework to do. I SAH right now though and obviously what he is doing is necessary so for now I just sort of accept that I do most childcare and he helps when he's able (and he does get up with LO every morning so he gets an hour with her per day at least).
Once he is done with school in May--thank god-- I think that I'm going to be fine with him doing fun stuff at least one night after work. I'm used to him being gone a lot and I think it is helpful for us to have time to do our own thing. Right now neither of us really get that but I'd love if we each got a night "off" in the future, as needed.
But I agree advanced notice is helpful. Although if there wasn't a specific reason to say no I'd say yes if he wanted to do something spur of the moment. I'd just ask he maybe try to give more advance notice next time so I could plan for it.
cantaloupe / 6171 posts
DH rarely has unplanned stuff--about once a month or less he has a dinner out that's related to his food blog, but he always knows in advance. Or he'll do something with a friend, but that's even rarer (sadly).
The thing that kills me is that he goes to the gym 4-5 days a week. He usually goes during lunch (he works from home) and when lo's in daycare it's not a big deal, but during my mat leave or on days she's home with me it was super frustrating, because I would really need a break to shower, rest, etc. But then I would feel bad because it's something he does for his health, you know? Mostly I think I'm jealous, because I can never find time to go to the gym!
pomelo / 5789 posts
We each get one week night per week. Ideally scheduled a day or two in advance for meal planning purposes. Typically we have to ask "permission" to go out on a weekend night solo or get an extra day in the week.
coconut / 8861 posts
We used to have a night to ourselves before LO. Now, it's when something comes up and one parent solos in that time. We put events on our Google calendar and talk about it. For me, it's been a monthly tea. For him, it's been a night out with the guys. We're sick right now, so we haven't had a chance to do this in awhile.
pomelo / 5093 posts
My husband does sports things on Wednesday and Thursday - the thursday thing is soccer, so we come and hang out with everyone. He also has events 2 or 3 times a week during the season (fall). This is a lot right now, and I expect that it will change when our new baby comes this summer. I'm also not doing a ton, since I'm pregnant, so it's hard to not be a little jealous. But I know that eventually it will balance out.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
The only "me-time" DH gets is his golf league, working out, mountain biking. None of which he's been able to do regularly during these winter months.
I didn't want to go to the casino/auto show a few weekends so again, so he took his BFF and they used a free hotel night's stay too!
He works most nights after DS is down, so I don't really count that as his alone time and I don't mind giving it to him, because he so rarely gets it!
I at least can carve out time for lunches etc with dates with friends. Or even dinner dates recently. DH barely has any time for meal times with us these days!
GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts
We struggle with this too, we both work out of home and we have such little time to spend as a family. DH has season basketball tickets so he goes to the games, he also likes to hunt and play golf. I feel like I don't have a "think" but plan on taking up working out again after this baby is born. I've told him I like notice, I don't like the "hey I'm getting a beer with xyz after work" when it's already 5 o'clock and I have dinner plans and what not. He knows this drives me nuts.
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
We both do stuff. And sometimes it's last minute. Just because you choose not to do stuff, doesn't mean he shouldn't. Its a trade off. I try to give a day's notice but I don't always. We're flexible. I'd just try to get him to give me a heads up in the future because it makes the evenings stressful for you. It's usually phrased as "do you mind", which I appreciate
honeydew / 7622 posts
Good timing on this. I tease M that I need to get a hobby outside of the house. He golfs and has a roadbike. He can usually go when traveling for work which is about 6 nights a month. He will grab a meal with a friend occasionally. I'm more of a homebody and since I will be mostly SAH when baby comes in a month, I think it will bum me out if he is out a lot after work golfing or biking. In answer to your original question when the weather is good he is out on his bike or golfing 3-4 days a week for hours at a time. In the winter he bikes on the trainer in his office.
pineapple / 12793 posts
We have no balance. It sucks.
We actually had a huge fight about it last night after he came home from his second night of tennis and I had my second night of double bedtime with a teething toddler and a newborn. I don't expect him to do much with the newborn and don't plan on having much time for myself for a while here, but it would be nice to just have five minutes alone in the bathroom.
12 hours later and I'm still pissed. Ugh.
So no advice, but some commiseration.
grapefruit / 4988 posts
Neither of us have hobbies at this point. DH and I both have demanding jobs, and both of us often work at night after LO goes to bed. DH also has to stay late at work sometimes, and he travels every few months for a couple days or a week, so sometimes I have to care for LO alone, but I always know ahead of time. I wouldn't say that we don't have "balance" though. We spend alot of time together as a family with LO instead of having our own hobbies. It was a mutual decision and it works for us. I would be annoyed in your situation too.
nectarine / 2262 posts
DH is gone a LOT at night for extracurriculars. BUT, it's just me and him right now. Once baby comes, he plans to curtail almost all of it. But most of our fights have been about this issue. Not uncommon for him to be gone 3 nights a week or more.
bananas / 9899 posts
Probably about once or twice a month on "recreational" outings since LO was born. He also volunteers with a youth group every Wednesday night. LO is 5 month old. It sucks when he's not home. It especially sucks since I have almost never gotten to go anywhere without my daughter (I've only gone to dinner once for 2 hours since she's been born) so I resent a bit that he still has a life. That said, I want to let him go out. Just because I have a baby stuck to me doesn't mean DH should have to stay home always. What matters to me is he understands my situation and keeps me and LO in mind when he makes plans.
pomegranate / 3565 posts
Rarely, do either one of us do something alone - well, besides going to work. Every so often (like maybe 2-3 times a year), I will do something like lunch with a friend on a weekend. He has maybe twice since DS1 was born two years ago. I think fishing both times. I don't really mind. DH works a shift schedule so we don't have a lot of family time as it is.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
It depends on the week. I rarely do anything on my own, maybe dinner or a movie with friends once or twice a month. My husband likes to golf and also probably does that twice a month or so. He also has work functions that can be kind of fun - a fancy dinner or something - and he is friends with most of his coworkers, so even though those should count as work, I still consider them social outings usually. This week he has two, next week he has one, but sometimes he'll go weeks without one.
grapefruit / 4923 posts
we both WOH with a 2 year old and we rarely do things on our own (twice i have gotten a pedicure during LO's naps, but LO was asleep the whole time). i wish we did a little more, but i would definitely want some advance notice. and both of us would need equal amounts of free time.
ETA: we are relatively new to our area and haven't made a lot of friends yet, maybe it would be different if we knew more people in the area.
pomelo / 5791 posts
Never. We're super lame. Lol
grapefruit / 4085 posts
We both do things like meet friends for dinners, brunch, etc. I'm also in a volunteer group that has standing night meetings, as well as an orchestra that meets one night a week. My husband plays softball weekly in the spring/summer and also plays in a band so that have nighttime practices sporadically. We keep a google calendar and pass things by each other to make sure no other plans are going on. It's important for us to have individual activities to do.
nectarine / 2521 posts
We stuck with our activities we did before LO arrived, and they are one night a week each - soccer for him and orchestra for me.
We are in a unique situation where DH is gone 4-5 days of the week, but when he's home, he's home all day, so I don't mind him heading out that night to do something, and the added bonus is that his games are usually after LO's bedtime,, so I have help.
We did cut out everything else, and rarely go out anymore at night, but then again, having a baby kind naturally squashed that one.
pomegranate / 3565 posts
@ValentineMommy: I always tell my husband the same thing!
@edelweiss: I do think that make a difference too. I only have work friends where I live. All of my friends from before kids live in my hometown which is about an hour away. So I tend to see my work friends for lunch dates and not on the weekends.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
DH usually goes to the gym one night a week right after work. Besides that, neither of us do anything on our own until LO is in bed (7-ish).
pear / 1657 posts
We always check in with each other in advance about evening commitments and put everything in a shared google calendar. We almost never last minute evening things because we have two dogs that need to be fed and walked after work, and now with LO and daycare pickup it really doesn't work to have last minute plans.
pomegranate / 3577 posts
I think it is reasonable to have alone time, but let's face it, with young children, spontaneity is on the back burner for awhile.
That being said, I can't wait until DH and I can schedule some alone time without guilt, both together and apart.
persimmon / 1313 posts
I wish DH did more! We are very involved in the tech scene and attended events both together/separately prior to the baby that went pretty late and he enjoyed those. I'm hoping he gets back to doing it. Mostly DH just likes working a lot so I give him tons of uninterrupted work/experimenting time.
I'm more of an extrovert so I do social time 2x-3x a week but it's always scheduled on the calendar in advance. We sometimes get last minute things but it never really bothered me pre-baby and doesn't bother me now. It's not very common that we get last minute requests though.
pomelo / 5220 posts
DH works super long hours so most of the time during the week, if he isn't home it is because of work. Occasionally he will need to do a post-work drink with someone or a dinner but we mostly just work and work and work during the week. Life is such a rush during the workweek. On the weekends, I try to give him a few breaks - which he usually uses to go to the gym. I request my weekend breaks in advance.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I don't feel so bad after reading the other comments in this thread, but we really don't do much outside of working, even on the weekends. You'd think I'd be over the guilt of not spending all my free time with my husband and son by now, but somehow I am not. What's upsetting is that my well being suffers.
hostess / cantaloupe / 6486 posts
DH does something at least once a week. Usually two or sometimes even 3 times. I do something maybe once a month.
apricot / 306 posts
Currently my DH has one night a week where goes to the gym with friends then they go out for a 'guys dinner'. Last minute is not okay in our house (for either of us!) and we generally give a fair bit of notice if we are planning something and like others, we use Google Calendar to manage this.
THAT SAID, once or twice a year my DH goes on a 'guys ski trip' which is usually interstate. I'm not sure how to approach this once our first baby is born (in 2 months). These trips kind of make me crabby because not only does he leave me alone for a week but the trips are expensive (flights, hotels, ski passes, meals etc etc) and it puts a significant dent in the family vacation budget, not to mention DH's PTO balance... I don't really know how to get him to reign this in once we have the baby, without being the joy-sucking wife who says he can't go on fun boys trips anymore
persimmon / 1339 posts
My husband golfs and is part of a tournament with friends that takes him away 4 weekends a year, and he plays or goes to the driving range usually once a week. I don't mind too much, he usually plans it around naps or outings so he's not just leaving me at home with our son...but I don't really mind if he does. On the weekends he's away on the tournament, I usually plan to visit friends or hang out with the other golf widow wives in our group of friends. On the flipside, I do pilates 3X/week and get my nails done 1X/week and I pretty much go whenever I want, after checking with him. I'd say at this point (10 months in) we have a pretty goo balance, with the odd hiccup.
persimmon / 1361 posts
Thanks everyone for your responses. We talked about it again and I think he will at least try with the advanced notice thing. I think part of it stems from jealousy on my part in that I don't really have much opportunity to do things solo in that I don't have many friends around here and don't have the time to invest in making them. Some of you sound like you have it figured out and hopefully we'll get there one day