Do you guys have a hard time forgiving people? I usually am pretty good at it but I can't get over my DH's brothers. They skipped out on our wedding and told DH that they don't approve of me and can't be apart of our life together. I am still so hurt and I never want to forgive/talk/see them again. I just don't think it is something that I should let go. I am just still so mad.
Am I being wrong? Anyone else hav a hard time forgiving?
GOLD / squash / 13464 posts
Yikes. Skipping out on your wedding because they don't approve of your marriage would be pretty hard to forgive. But at the same time they are your husband's family so I think if there is anyway to get past the differences that would be best for everyone in the long run. Is there some lathing specific they have a problem with (your religion, etc.) or did they just decide they don't like you for the hell of it?
cantaloupe / 6923 posts
@MamaMoose: Ya, his whole family doesn't approve that I am Mormon. I've only met them once and the weekend i met them I had a horrible weekend-long anxiety attack so I could barely stand to be around anyone and now they think I am stuck-up. And DH has the back bone of a straw so he doesn't stand up to them and no one believes a word I say. ANyways sorry for the long vent, the more I think about it the more angry I get and frustrated. I feel like I am standing in the middle of the room screaming and everyone is walking past ignoring me. I just feel like no one is giving me the oppurtunity to get my feelings out.
GOLD / squash / 13464 posts
@anonysquire: that sucks I'm sorry. My husband also has a hard time standing up to his family so I know how that goes. But they don't treat me badly, we just argue about things like whose parents we'll spend Christmas with. I think in this instance your husband needs to stand up and tell his family that you aren't going anywhere so if they want to be a part of his life they need to accept you. At the very least they need to give you a chance so they can get to know you instead of basing their decision on one weekend with you and their preconceived notions about Mormons. And if they can get on board with giving you another chance I think you should do the same for them.
cantaloupe / 6923 posts
@MamaMoose: At this point I am kind of waiting for an apology from them and then I am willing to try again. I wrote them a long email around the time this happened apologizing for whatever I had done and I got no reply or anything. So I guess I will just wait 
Thank you for lending an ear!!!
bananas / 9628 posts
My grandmother refused to attend my wedding. I even had the florist deliver a corsage with a note that said 'just in case you change your mind. There will always be a space for you. Hope to see you there' I believe in giving people chances to do right, in giving an opportunity to make a good choice even when they rarely accept them. It's not altruistic though, it helps me sleep at night knowing that I did right and that I tried. I wish I could say I've forgiven her, but I haven't. She also refuses my phone calls, won't answer the door for me, and didn't invite me, my husband or my parents for the holidays.
If she said, 'I'm sorry I didn't come to your wedding, I wish I had been there' I would still be sad, but I'd forgive her. I have the benefit of loving her before, which makes forgiveness easier. You don't, since you didn't have a relationship with your BILs before. Do they show any interest in being part if your lives or any remorse? If so I think I'd try to forgive, if not, I think I'd let DH take the leed and just interact as much as he arranges.
GOLD / papaya / 10166 posts
@anonysquire: I actually have a really hard time forgiving people that have hurt me. I know I need to work on it, but I feel like if they have hurt me, then they should actively try to apologize or make things right.
My BIL didn't come to my wedding because he "didn't have enough vacation time" (it was kind of a destination wedding), and he needed to save it up for the vacation he was taking a month after the wedding........................... glad to know where I rank in his life.
And, since I've had DD, my MIL and SIL (who I used to be very close with), don't approve of the way I'm raising my daughter and completely ignore me when we come to visit. I have a very difficult time turning the other cheek when I'm around them because I haven't done anything wrong in the first place!
So, I know I don't have the exact situation, I can understand the hurt families can cause, and the frustration when there's nothing you can do to change it. I really hope things turn around for you.
cantaloupe / 6923 posts
@mrs. bird: No, no interest at all. And they haven't talked to DH or me since the wedding. So ya.... I am sorry about your relationship with your grandma though 
It definately would be a lot harder if I had any sort or relationship with them before. Thank you for commenting!
cantaloupe / 6923 posts
@BabyBoecksMom: Thank you! I used to be able to forgive everyone but myself and now I just can't get over this. I know I ma being immature but I don't care. I also can't ever turn the other cheek!
honeydew / 7916 posts
That's tough...I'm not sure they will be the ones to reach out to you and apologize, although I hope they see the light someday.
It seems like you've made more than enough effort to make amends with them, and they've done nothing but ignore you, and now this is between them and their brother. As much as you would like to see this fixed, I don't think you can be the one to fix this - your husband needs to step up. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't know what to say about forgiving them because I've been in a situation with IL's where I've tried to forgive but it's a pattern that just keeps happening and will happen until your DH puts an end to it because it's not your fight.
grapefruit / 4006 posts
For things where I feel really wronged or hurt, I have an extremely hard time forgiving people as well. I basically don't forgive, I never forget, and I can hold a grudge for YEARS. So you're not alone. I don't think I'd be able to forgive his brothers unless they gave me a sincere apology too (but i'd never forget). Sorry about the situation, I hope it somehow resolves itself!
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
I have an annoyingly easy time forgiving people (even if they've wronged me over and over again). Sometimes I wish I could hold grudges and NOT forgive.. 
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
@chopsuey119: I am exactly the same way. It's actually a problem in our marriage because we always have the same fight over and over, because I forgive and forget too easily and neither of us remember that we fought about that same issue until we're already in the middle of the same fight just weeks later!!
As for severe family issues like this, I'm somewhat similar to the everyday forgiveness... After a short period where I'm ape$h!t mad, I just kind of glaze it over and accept that this conflict is now a part of my life, and eventually everyone just kind of pushes it under the rug. Really horrible way to deal with issues.
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
@chopsuey119: Same here! Especially with DH's family!
nectarine / 2530 posts
I believe that you reach a point at which forgiveness will no longer help the situation. If people can't learn from their mistakes and be decent, why should I subject myself to them? There's varying severity, of course. I have (unfortunately) several situations.
The first was my father, who after years and years of emotional and mental abuse chose to kick me out of the house and disown me because I wouldn't side with him in my parents' separation. It was a relief to have him pull that trigger, and I haven't spoken to him since. There is no good that will ever come out of a relationship with him; he's utter poison to be around. My brother has a love-hate relationship with him. My sister is considering taking the same path that I did.
The second was my former best friend, who has a multitude of emotional and physical issues and for whom I could never be good enough for. It's a long drawn out story, but a few months ago (after 2-3 years of no communication) I sent her pictures that I had of her dogs that I found on my harddrive and knew she didn't have, and she re-friended me on facebook. We don't have a friendship any more. I could possibly forgive her if she could understand the reason behind our friendship breaking, but she can't.
The third is my BIL, who couldn't come to our wedding because his daughter had a two day dance recital. Who chose not to respond via the card we sent him (or even call us personally to let us know), but told his mom who relayed the information to us. I mean, really? How much less could we possibly mean to you? It's your brother's wedding for crissake! I will still act nice if/when we see him and his family, but that will forever lurk at the back of my mind. At least think up a better excuse.
pomegranate / 3980 posts
Aww that is tough, I have a hard time forgiving sometimes too. My biggest problem is probably with dh's step dad, when I was pregnant with lo#1 dh and I weren't married yet and the man told dh on basically a daily basis that he needed to dump me and make me get a dna test before lo was born to make sure the baby was his. He also told dh that I should get an abortion because she was "a bastard rat child that didn't deserve to live" if I remember correctly... Not so easy to forgive. Now he tries to act like all is well and the baby he wanted aborted is now his cheecky and he loves her... Okay end rant lol sorry bout that!
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
When it comes to family, the usual rules don't apply alas. I force myself to suck it up, for the sake of my spouse. But I give family members (by marriage) a time limit of 10 years. If they can't accept me by then, then I've done my best.
cantaloupe / 6146 posts
I agree with Mr. Bee, with family even if you can't forgive them, you have to accept or at least tolerate them.
My DH now hates his grandparents--not because they missed our wedding (it *was* far away) but because they missed his brother's wedding. Will he ever forgive them? No. But... he will eventually interact with them and it will be water under the bride (that he will never forget like some horrible flood).
@cyndistar3: holy cow!!
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