So as we contemplate potentially ttc for#2 next year (maybe - can you sense the uncertainty!) I was wondering how moms and dads without family/close friends nearby manage with 2 or more. All if my family live on another continent and dh's family are a 4 hour plane ride so right now when we need a break, we have to hire a babysitter.
I worry that adding another into the mix will also add a lot of pressure without a support system esp considering I am likely to have a c section.
So parents without a support system - how do you manage?
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I think you build a support system wherever you are. We don't have family nearby, and neither does the vast majority of our friends with kids. I would venture to say that's the case with most of the families in our city/metro area. We have very close relationships with our friends and rely on each other to fill those roles that family normally would. They sacrifice to help us and we do the same for them.
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We have some good friends here, so that helps, but our families are not close. My husband will be taking 2-3 weeks off for paternity leave to help with number 2, and after that i will be solo. We are pretty involved at our church and have lots of people that we can ask for help if we get in a bind, as well as a couple great babysitters and some friends that can watch lo overnight if needed.
My suggestion would be to look into building your community so that you have people to lean on. Even if you only have one lo, having people to ask for help in a bind takes a huge weight off your shoulders.
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We have family a couple of hours away but they are not involved in the care-taking of our son, so we won't be relying on them to help us with #2 either. We rely on our friends and also on our established child care options (nanny/babysitters). We are fortunate to have a wonderful group of friends with similarly-aged children so this has worked out great for all involved. Our friends are the ones who will be taking care of our son when I go into labor with #2.
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I'm in a situation where we live in a different country from my dad and my ILs and we have only been here 18 months so, while I have made friends, I don't have really close friends. You just do what you have to do. In our case, I WAH, so I can be flexible to be available when one of the kids is sick. I also have babysitters for the baby when I'm working and my older LO goes to daycare. But there are moments when it would be nice to have family around. For example, both DH and I were sick this past weekend and we just had to power through taking care of the kids. It's not always the best situation, but it works for us.
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I think about this as well as we also don't have local family. A few of my my friends have local family, and others don't. Right now, I don't feel like I could ask my friends to do things. We all work and have commitments. I suppose that this could change over time, and that this is part of my personality, but for right now, we expect to just do what we have to. We also have a nanny as opposed to daycare, so we feel like she is an extra pair of hands for us. She is flexible and very helpful.
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Hire your village
when we don't use Dh's mom, we just hire a sitter. Other than babysitting ocassionally, she doesn't do stuff for us, though. Family doesn't come over and babysit when we are sick or bring us food or help us with the house....I feel like we'd manage just fine if she wasn't half an hour away...I guess NOT having the option is scarier than having the option, though. but i think there's a misconception that if your family lives nearby, they really have a heavy hand in helping you out with this parenting business, and that's not always the case. Maybe you can join some clubs or groups to try to make some new mom friends though
eta: all my friends have family nearby, so I've really struggled in building a community of other mom friends, though....
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We went from 0 to 2, so a little bit different than your situation. But, neither of our families live in town and when we had our boys, we didn't have any close friends with kids either. You adapt and honestly, you just do what you have to do. Our next door neighbors, who we're very close with now, have three kids and both sets of grandparents live in town. We often think how nice that would be to have help so close and handy, but at the same time, I think we take pride in knowing we CAN do it ourselves and manage. A lot of teamwork, communication and hiring out babysitters when necessary.
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@blackbird: ditto to the misconception!
We live close to my parents and my ILs, and most of my extended family. I can recall one time (last week, actually!) when we called on a family member to help when both Chloe and I were sick, and even then it was for a few hours and not an entire day. We were SICK-- we didn't call for help when all three of us had the stomach flu!
My parents are amazing, but they have their own lives. They're always traveling or doing something so their schedules are pretty packed. And they both work full time!
My ILs are recently retired but also have busy schedules full of trips and activities. We hit the jackpot last week when we happened to catch mil on a free day.. Otherwise, we wouldn't have had the help!
Neither my husband or I expect or rely on our families to do things for us. We love close by and know that we'd have help if we needed it/asked for it, but we generally don't. We hardly hire babysitters!
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@Aimed: if you can save the money now, I'd definitely suggest setting aside an amount in advance for occasional child care.
We also live far from our families, (8 hour drive and 15 hour drive, or shorter flights but one is international so it tends to be pricey). We are planning to TTC number 2 early fall and I'm going to save hard during my pregnancy and hopefully hire a part time nanny for my mat leave so that someone can take my older LO sometimes while I keep the baby--or heck, maybe I'll let the nanny take both kids for a couple of hours so I can sleep. But I definitely plan on hiring some help.
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@blackbird: @Mrs. Jump Rope: I agree with this. We don't live that far away from family, so we can get help if we need to, but we really don't rely on them at all. Even when we're all sick and struggling, it just doesn't even occur to me to call up my mom to come help out. Plus she's got a job anyway, so it's not like she can just drop everything to come help me!
The only thing I feel like we REALLY need help with is someone to watch Xander when baby #2 is born. My family IS close enough that we can rely on them, but if they weren't, I'd find a friend who could help OR even look into asking one of his daycare teachers!
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Following! My family also lives a continent away and there are no babysitters available where we're at! Daycare is only available after the age of 1, so we'll be doing all the juggling alone. My ILs live an hour away (not so far), but they've only babysitted less than a handful of times. If we have another it'll be rough sailing for ... I not sure how long.
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We have #2 on the way. I'm fiercely independent and don't like to rely on others for help. I also have anxiety related to my child's care. We don't have family nearby, but get by okay. Our LO goes to daycare while we work. Her daycare has a parent's night out one Friday per month that we take advantage of. We can drop her off from 7-11pm and pay $25. She's in an environment she's familiar with. With her playmates and teachers. And we get out without her for a few hours.
We have friends that have offered these same services for free. I just have a lot of issues with trusting my child to behave in a manor I want her to in the homes of friends when I'm not present. I know, it's a weird anxiety.
I will have a c-section. My sister will come in to care for #1 while I'm in the hospital. My mom is coming to stay with me two weeks following my sister's departure. They have all offered to travel to us as they know we can use the help. We would have figured it out without them if necessary.
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@Adira: that's a good point! We are in the middle of coming up with a game plan for Chloe when I have the baby, and it's been tough juggling everyone's schedules!
My grandparents were very inactive. My pap retired when he was 53, and did... Nothing. They were "old" to me! It's strange seeing my parents be about the same age and having more of a social life than me!
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@blackbird: I totally agree about the misconceptions. Even if we did live close to family it wouldn't mean a bunch of free childcare. We would see them more for general get-togethers, but they have their own lives. They couldn't just drop everything to babysit whenever we have a hankering. The biggest benefit to being close to family is just having he option to see each other more, not having free childcare.
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We live in VA and all our family lives in GA. We have very good friends around though. My parents make a point to come visit every other month so LO gets to see his grandparents a lot. He also skypes daily with my parents.
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I definitely can see the misconception about those who have family nearby getting a lot of extra help. However, I think it's probably a bit of a stretch to act as though it's just as tough as having family thousands of miles away.
My parents are very active and most certainly have their own lives, but if we lived in the same city, I am certain that they would babysit for the occasional date night. Instead, since in-laws are on another continent and my parents are a two hour flight away, so it's an issue of needing to shell out for a babysit on the rare occasion we go out (rare because babysitters are expensive!).
All that said, it can be done! As other commenters have suggested, it really is a matter of building a strong community through friends, religious communities, etc.
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@meredithNYC: No one is saying that it's as tough as having them a thousand miles away. But there's this idea that being near family = instant free childcare and support. That's just not always the case for a host of reasons.
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I found it very difficult to hire my village when I was living abroad, but maybe that's just because it was the location? It was extremely expensive and the woman that we did find would have probably been best suited to doing a full time gig, rather than working for multiple families. Since I was the only one of the three families she worked for that was a stay at home mom, I often found myself without care that week because I got "bumped" by the working moms, and rightfully so.
I am on the extreme other side where my parents do a lot of care for my son, but they are both retired and they offered. If and when it becomes too much for them, we'll look into other options. As it is, we do not rely on them too much for weekend care, because my husband doens't want to burden them further than we already do during the week.
The other issue we seem to have is that everyone is very scheduled, so it's difficult to rely on other moms for support.
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@Weagle: Right - I totally get that. But some people saying they don't rely on family at all? I mean, I just find that a little odd. That to me means you don't rely on your family for any support - emotional, physical as in babysitting, etc. It just seems unlikely. But that's just directed towards some of the commenters who mentioned the misconception - not all.
To me - being close to my family wouldn't mean a bunch of free childcare. But, it would probably mean closer relationships between family members and my LO, which in my mind is its own kind of support (barring, obviously, dysfunctional family relationships).
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Thank you so much for your input ladies! I totally understand that nearby family doesn't mean free, constant childcare - I think I mean it more in the less tangible support way. I would love to just be able to pop over to my sisters for a cup of tea or whatever and have my LO run around there with a second pair of eyes on him and just knowing that in an emergency there is someone who can help.
We moved to our new nieghborhood less than a year ago and though we have made some lovely friends, we are not close enough with anyone yet that they can really be a support system.
I definitely agree with hiring a village. When we had #1, we had little support, DH's family were closer but like so many others families, they work and have their own lives - however it was nice to go there for dinner occasionally etc. But we hired a nanny and babysitters etc. who totally got me through the newborn stage!
I think I just worry about being overwhelmed with the idea of 2 without my family nearby, maybe I am having a homesick day
@Anagram: This is really great advice!
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@meredithNYC: we probably also consider our own families when we think about parents and in laws being near vs. far. Both of our parents love far from us but near other siblings of ours with kids and they help them a A LOT, so if they lived near us, we would get that help. My mom picks up my nephew at least once a week from school because my sister works late and she takes both kids anytime my sister and her husband want a date night or go out of town. My mom LOVES having them over. Plus, mom has them over for dinner at least once a week. My in laws actually live with my SIl, and they do school drop off and pick up, take the kids to their lessons and sports games, takes them to the library, AND my MiL does a lot of cooking. My SIL and her husband both have long commutes, so having my inlaws there are a huge help.
I know from reading the boards that lots of people have strife within their families so they probably wouldn't get as much help from their families, but that isn't the case for us, so we really miss not having our parents close.
If I could afford another 1 bedroom condo here, I would buy it in a second just so our parents could take turns living here and being nearby, haha.
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@Anagram: I agree that family dynamics make thinkgs different to people. I am very close with my family (just not geographically!) and while they wouldn't be up for constant childcare, it would be nice just to be nearby - a soft place to land in Dr. Phil speak! - when you just need to get out of the house, someone to talk to, get advice, be able to drop LO off in an emergency, just knowing that option is there would be invaluable to me.
I also miss the family get togethers etc., things like that are a support system in their own important way so it's not really about the childcare aspect as much as it's about knowing that you have backup and emotional support. -
@meredithNYC: I don't rely on my family. They aren't responsible for taking care of me or my kids. They're available to help if I ask for it but we generally don't. I can count on two hands the number of times my parents have babysat for us, and my oldest is almost three.
Just because they're close doesn't mean they're available. My parents have vacationed at least six times so far this summer. My dad is currently out of town for two weeks, and my mom just got home last night from a weekend away. She's leaving again next weekend for another trip.
They get to do whatever they want, when they want to. They aren't built in child care. If they're free and we need help, we ask.. But I don't rely on them. They're mostly just never home!
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@Mrs. Jump Rope: So are you saying if they offered, you wouldn't take them up on caring for your kids?
I was of the same mindset as you, until I was contemplating returning to work. I hemmed and hawwed and it was finally my mother that basically bottom lined me and told me to go back to work and my parents would help with the logistics. Never in a million years did I think I would be okay with it.
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@looch: in the sense of them being full time child care?
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@Mrs. Jump Rope: my parents are my before and after care, for example. I drop my son off at their house, they bring him to camp/daycare and then pick him up. I pick him up from their house, as an example.
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@looch: logistically, that wouldn't work for us. They're close by, about 20 minutes away, but in the opposite direction of Chloe's activities (which are local). Coincidentally there has been major construction the last few years, which is projected to end in 2015, making them more like 40 minutes away.
But, they'd have to retire in order for them to be reliable in that sense. They both work full time and travel quite often.
I also work from home for myself so I haven't (yet!) run into an instance where I need someone to take Chloe somewhere because I can't. I have a flexible schedule.
BUT we are utilizing help from our parents when this baby is born. It's a combination of my mil helping, my husband going I to work late, and my mom temporarily rearranging her work schedule. Chloe has preschool 3x/wk and I won't be able to drive for a few weeks after my section.
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@Mrs. Jump Rope: I think that there is a misunderstanding about what I meant about 'support system'! I get that many, if not most people with family nearby can't rely on their families for childcare, that's not really what I meant although that would be nice occasionally too! I meant it more in the way you can drop by to see your family and chat and have someone there when you need them - whether it's just crazy mom anxiety about a sniffle up to your house burning down! It's not really about relying on them for practical things so much as knowing that there is someone there if you need them.
I'm not sure if this stuff can really make sense to anyone who isn't in a situation where you see your family once a year for a week - assuming obviously you have a good realtionship with your family. Difficult family situations are a whole other thang! -
@meredithNYC: I agree with @Mrs. Jump Rope: that it probably really depends on your family. Xander is 16 months and we've had family watch him all of 3 times. But for the most part, we don't rely on them. If there's a movie we want to see, we see it during the day when Xander's in daycare (I have every other Friday off, so Hubs just takes a vacation day). We use our vacation time to do day dates while Xander's in daycare. Mostly, we just don't go out or we'll take Xander with us. Or one of us will go out and the other stay home (Hubs goes out with his friends a couple times a month and I'm going on a girls trip this weekend). When we're sick, we send Xander to daycare so we can recover alone. Or if he's also sick, we're all sick together and it sucks, but we're his parents and we have to take care of him. I don't really think to ask my parents for help in these situations.
As far as emotional support - I still call and e-mail my mom all the time. I ask her for advice or get her opinion on things. But I can do that regardless of her proximity to me.
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@Mrs. Jump Rope: Can I take that as a yes, removing logistical considerations and working statuses? I agree that my parents don't have the responsibility to do anything for us, but they WANT to and it works for us. Never say never, that's my motto!
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@Aimed: << I meant it more in the way you can drop by to see your family and chat and have someone there when you need them - whether it's just crazy mom anxiety about a sniffle up to your house burning down!>>
I do that via the phone or e-mail. I never just drop in on my parents or siblings, although maybe they don't live as close as you're thinking. My parents and my brother all live an hour away from us, so if we're going to visit, it's definitely planned in advance! But for all my mom anxieties and just needing to talk, I'll call her or e-mail her (or more likely, I'll call/e-mail my best friend).
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@looch: you can take that as a maybe, if the situation was different!
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@Aimed: oh, I'm sorry if I misunderstood the question!
I do have emotional support from my family. I never show up at anyone's house but I do visit my parents as often as we can. Sometimes it's as much as twice a week, sometimes we go weeks between visits. It really depends if they're home or not! Their social life is pretty darn active!
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@Adira: I totally get that, but sometimes you need to see your family in person! I think I'm also just a bit sad that my family don't get to see LO very often - he changes so much in a year from each visit and I feel like he is missing out on family hugs! I also miss that they never get to see him on his birthday or other holidays etc.
But living here is also a choice we made, it just sucks sometimes -
@Aimed: I literally have no support system aside from DH. We have both had a pretty unique life and are fiercely independent (we have had to be!) as a result. We manage!
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@Aimed: Yes, I can definitely see how that would be hard. We do get to see our family more often since we don't live that far from them, so I really can't relate. Though I grew up living pretty far from my grandparents and we only saw them a couple times a year and it didn't bother me and I still love seeing them. This is all your LO knows, so I don't think he will feel like he's missing out on anything...
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@Aimed, I totally misunderstood. I think it totally depends on family dynamic. I don't rely on my family for emotional support at all, nor do I with DH's family. My family doesn't live nearby. I don't call my MIL and talk about how I've had a bad day or go visit her or anything. My parents just aren't supportive at all, and are minimally a part of E's life. I don't have a sibling to go hang out with. I have friends here, but they have their family so I feel pretty low on the totem pole.
For emotional support, friends are where it's at! But obviously if you are close to your family, it's moot, and you will miss them. I've had to build a network of emotional support via the internet, basically. And it's really carried me through. You have to have SOMEONE To gripe to
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When we had our second my parents came to visit for 1.5 months. I had a c-section with both my first and second. After that we were on our own. I basically just figured out a good schedule that worked for the three of us while my husband was at work. Showered at night and made my oldest's preschool lunch the night before. Once we got over the craziness of our mornings, then it wasn't so bad after a while. Just expect craziness and your days won't be so bad. Plus, my oldest was going to preschool in the mornings twice a week and then three times a week after he turned three. That helped give me some time with our second and also go grocery shopping while he did his morning nap. I also met up with a friend or two once a week for some sanity and some adult conversation b/c taking care of two all by myself can be a bit boring on the conversation front. As for meals, I had a go to list for almost every meal. It got boring but we all got fed. And house chores, I tried to do small cleanings when I showered and brushed my teeth so that the bathroom wouldn't be so gross. Left the vacuuming up to my husband once a week, but that depended on how often he wanted to vacuum.
You could always hire someone to come by twice a month or once a week to do house cleaning.Here's a sample of our day from what I remembered after having baby #2:
7:00 am I wake up, get ready, and nurse baby
8:00 Wake up my oldest if he's not up yet
8:30-9 Eat breakfast
9:30 Drop oldest off at preschool
9:30-11:30 Grocery shop or other errands while baby napped in the car seat stroller thingy (one nursing session during this time anywhere). If I didn't have errands to run I'd stay home to entertain baby and do house stuff.
11:30am - 1pm Lunch and whatever needs to get done at home
1pm Pick up oldest from preschool
1-2pm Nap both boys (and nurse baby)
4-5pm Boys wake up, snack (nurse baby)
5-6pm Prepare dinner while the boys "played"
7pm Dinner
8:30-9pm Shower for the boys (I bathed baby and husband bathed oldest). Now at 2.5 and 5 I bath them together.
9-9:30pm Bed time (we each take a boy) for boys with books and songs (nurse baby).
10pm-10:30pm I shower and get ready for bed
1am nurse baby (the first few months until he slept through the night)
4am nurse baby (this was a usual occurrence until I weaned baby)My boys always were late sleepers. They get to bed by 9pm these days at 2.5 and 5 years. It's the schedule that works for us. If I don't have to wake up early I won't. Haha! Hope that's a good glimpse of how it can work with two kids without help. It can be absolutely crazy, but routine is best with these little ones. Now that we have live-in help it's easier on the meals and cleaning front, but we definitely still tag team with the boys when it comes to them.
Oh, and when I have a doctor's appt I can't bring my boys to, then I just ask a friend to help watch them or the baby and then take her out for lunch afterwards as I try to schedule appts in the mornings while my oldest was at preschool.
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@Anagram: @Adira: @Mrs. Jump Rope: Yes, I definitely think it depends on relationship, for sure. If you are estranged from your parents or generally just don't get along and don't see/talk to them, that is tough, and it's certainly just as bad as not having them around at all
. @Aimed: I am with you on it being really hard. I really love my family in spite of our issues, and it breaks my heart sometimes thinking about how little they get to see LO. And after her birth and my PPA/PPD, I would have given anything to have had them nearby. Not to come and take over all responsibility for my life, but absolutely to have the occasional company and in-person emotional connection. I actually did consider moving closer to home, but we have never found much in the way of work that would make it work for my husband (would be a NE to Midwest move). Sometimes I still wonder whether we should suck it up and deal with the less than ideal work circumstances to have the support, though.
You could always hire someone to come by twice a month or once a week to do house cleaning.Subscribe to our newsletter
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