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My MIL really needs to feel appreciated. It's not really my style to be overly effusive with gratitude (don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, and I say it, but she needs to hear it much more regularly than I do.) I also think it's instinct for (adult) children to want to show how independent we can be, and so I've found the best strategy is to feign a bit of incompetence (which is really hard for me), and then be overly grateful when she helps me "figure it out." It goes against, well, pretty much all of my instincts, but it makes her feel appreciated if she really feels like she's taught me something and I express gratitude for it.

Can you give her a "thank you" gift in advance, too? And then maybe plan a special meal out at the end? Those might be more tangible ways of expressing your gratitude as well.

My mom is like that and what it boils down to is needing a constant and intense amount of validation. You're the best mom ever, I could never have done this without you, thank you thank you. No criticism, only appreciation in droves. Maybe make a list of compliments and appreciative statements you can check on your phone and give her even when you feel totally tapped out

Your mom sounds like mine and honestly I'm at a point now (since having my daughter) that I no longer want to enable the unhealthy interactions. If your mom gets offended by things that aren't intended to be offensive or wouldn't offend an average person, it's on her. I recently decided to lay it all out on the table with my mom and tell her I won't stand for it any more and have put some distance between us whol she proves she can change. We will see what happens. I know this isn't the practical advice you were looking for, but still felt the need to share in case you decide in the future that you'd like to change the underlying behavior instead of appeasing it.

@blackbird: def sounds narcissistic! My mom is on that spectrum, as is my sister. It's taken me a long time (and therapy) and being around my husbands very notmal family dynamics to realize that the things my mom says and does are not notmal, healthy or anything I have to put up with at the expense of my own happiness.

@blackbird: ugh I know it really is! I'm around if you ever want to chat/vent. It's really hard (I have found) for people who haven't lived it to understand. My husband has seen it first hand for 4 years but it's still hard for him to really get it!

@catomd00: thanks! My husband's seen it for 10 years now and is STILL surprised by her often lol!

@macintosh: ah that's disturbing! But actually makes sense, too. Well, when and if there comes a time you need a different approach, know that many of us have been there! But next week doesn't sound like that week and I totally hear that! I read a book called trapped in the mirror: adult children of narcissists or something similar... you might find really helpful. It was like reading into my childhood!

@blackbird: @macintosh: @catomd00: My mom is sort of like this, though not as extreme as what you are describing. Having a baby has really helped because my parents watch him two afternoons per week. So now there is built-in infrastructure for them to help in a meaningful way.

But the need to help is so exhausting. I think it's actually a generational thing especially since my mom was a housewife for 15 years. I work full time and would never consider staying home (well, unless I won the lottery). I find her "need to be needed" is very tedious. She's all about unsolicited advice about irrelevant topics. As a result I just withhold information from her, especially before I finalize a decision because I don't want her to think I need her to weigh in.