would it ruin the friendship?
I am a horrible, anxious hostess. I will take people out to eat or go to their place, but I never have people over. I have learned that it just isn't worth the build up of anxiety.
I am open about this and most of my friends know and joke about it, but I feel like as we get older it is getting to be more irritating/hurtful to some of them
Be real, bees- is it that big of a deal?
pomelo / 5129 posts
Nope. I prefer going out or having people over. But DH and I also have horrible horrible allergies and most of our friends have pets, so going out is just easier!
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
Do you eat at other peoples' houses? If so, it helps keeps things feeling more fair if you bring food/dessert over with you...
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
No, that doesn't seem weird to me at all. Besides, if you'd rather come to my house, I'm all for that!!! I rarely rarely rarely go to my BFF's house! We just usually meet up at my house or are going to a restaurant/movies/shopping, etc. I don't care at all!
honeydew / 7586 posts
Not at all! I'd just be happy to see my friend, doesn't matter where we meet up.
pomelo / 5258 posts
As long as you initiated some get-togethers somewhere I would probably never notice or care.
honeydew / 7811 posts
@lizzywiz: I'd still be your friend. I don't invite people over because our place is so small.
nectarine / 2272 posts
No, this wouldnt bother me at all. But its very common in nyc not to have people over because our apartments are sooo small 
kiwi / 550 posts
We do plenty of hosting at our house but I have lots of friends whose houses I haven't been to and plenty that I haven't invited over yet, not that I wouldn't. And if you're close enough to someone that it would be a concern to them then you should be close enough to explain and them to understand.
persimmon / 1178 posts
Oh, we are sure to bring food/ hostess gifts/ pick up the tab to offset our lack of hospitality.
Thanks.
I guess I really only have one friend who it really seems to bother and I am hyper aware of it because I was raised to be more hospitable than I am.
pomelo / 5129 posts
@Corduroy: I agree with initiation being more important. It's hard to be the only person to suggest getting together. But as long as a friend reaches out, I don't care where we end up
nectarine / 2280 posts
@lizzywiz: we'd be perfect friends cause I hate leaving my house. I'd much rather people come to me. 
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
@lizzywiz: Do you know why that one friend is bothered by it? It seems strange to even care about that, but everyone is different. I actually prefer people coming to me so I wouldn't mind at all if I wasn't invited over, haha!
coconut / 8498 posts
It wouldn't ruin the friendship, but it would be hard always playing hostess. I also think opening up your home is a practice in kindness and hospitality, and I have a hard time understanding why someone wouldn't want to develop those traits. I've also learned that most guests' expectations are usually not as high as I think they are.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
@lizzywiz: Are you close to the one friend that is bothered by it? Is she joking / bullying you to have her over? I would not be cool with that!
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
I host at our house on a weekly basis for Bible study but I do have a lot of anxiety about people in our space. I do believe that hospitality is important, but I REALLY dislike having people over if my house isn't perfect. I never have time to keep it as clean as I think it should be for company, so if I do have people over, I strictly control what rooms people have access to and the night before its always super stressful cleaning and what not. I'm an introvert too, so its really hard for me. Basically, I understand exactly what you're talking about.
I also prefer going out or going over to other people's houses, but I always offset this by offering to help clean up, bringing food/flowers over, and routinely picking up the dinner tab when we go out. People have never really complained about it and most of my friends understand how stressed I get by hosting so its not an issue. I think the friend who's bothered by this just doesn't understand the anxiety/stress that's behind it. You probably just need to explain to her that its not a BS excuse thing.
watermelon / 14467 posts
@lizzywiz: I'd be your friend too. I have a love/hate relationship with gatherings at my house because I feel like it's never clean enough (it doesn't help that my husband apologizes for the 'mess' EVERY TIME).
papaya / 10570 posts
I probably wouldn't even notice! I don'd mind where we meet as long as there is wine!
papaya / 10343 posts
No. I don't mind when people prefer hanging at my place. I'm a homebody so not having to leave my house is sort of a win.... 
persimmon / 1313 posts
I really don't mind! A lot of my friends have very crazy living arrangements so it's no big deal to meet somewhere else or hang out at my place. I can't host a lot of people on my 2/1 condo but I enjoy having company. I'm not sure why your friend is so offended by it! That's hardly a thing to measure a friendship by imo.
persimmon / 1171 posts
We could be friends because I hate going to other people's houses but love hosting. I would much rather buy/make food than have to go over to someone's house. Especially with LO, we have everything she needs to be entertained here and has a designated play room...our friends either don't have kids or live with their parents so I feel weird having to supervise LO while trying to be actively involved in whatever our friends are doing/saying (: plus, we're totally child friendly...when other kids are over they're allowed to roam around because anything we value is out of reach so it's a win win for everyone (:
persimmon / 1178 posts
@katsupgirl: @Adira: @avivoca: @Mae: @hellocupcake: just give me a time and date. I do fabulous hostess gifts since I am overcompensating
@Cherrybee: I always bring wine or craft beer
@Weagle: I understand exactly what you are saying because that is how I was raised. But, my hostess anxiety makes it no fun for me a less fun for my guests.
@Raindrop: that is exactly what she does. 'What are you hiding?' 'I don't get it.' 'I'm just going to drop by!' etc. We aren't super close and clearly getting less close if this is going to be a sticking point for.her.
@gingerbebe: 
What was funny is that I didn't know how much I hated it. We even used to host Thanksgiving for friends and family! But about 10 years ago I went on the south beach diet and stopped alcohol for a while....it turns out that I had a lot of social anxiety that I was using booze to power through! And as I got older I just started saying 'no' to things I didn't like.
I do occasionally practice on a couple of friends who some how manage to get past my crazy. They are good with our aggressive dog, too. Coincidence? I think not!
pomelo / 5469 posts
No, because I was and still am exactly the same towards hosting...though I am getting better, mostly because it's really important to Dh that we take our turn to host. But I have friends who do not ever host and I'm ok with that too.
Do you feel close enough with your friends that you can sit down and talk about your worries? You never know they might find ways to make it easier for you...like they might all bring over a course for dinner so you don't have so much pressure, or suggesting getting a takeaway at yours.
Like I said I get very anxious about hosting but what helps me is to know what areas of the house I need to clean in advance and also to know exactly when and how the guests will leave and don't overstay their welcome.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
@lizzywiz: Yeah I have had "friends" like that. Don't let her bully/tease you. I agree with other posters. If you are honest with her and tell her your reasons and feelings, hopefully she will back off but if she doesn't... personally I would fade her friendship out of my life.
I'm very strict about my friendship though... if you make me feel bad for too long... you are out! I guess I don't see the point of having a friend that makes me feel bad.
blogger / honeydew / 7081 posts
Nope, wouldn't bother me at all! As long as you're initiating some of the time, I think its fine!
Especially because I'm super anxious in new situations, so I would MUCH rather have people over to my place. Totally understand.
grapefruit / 4187 posts
Not at all, I think some people like to host and some dont. Also not everyone has a space suitable for a crowd, for example my friend lives in a tiny studio where only her bed and couch fit.
I would only be upset if my froends didnt reciprocate in other ways like being on time, not overstaying their welcome, bringing gifts, etc. if i felt they were using me or freeloading thats when it would end.
pineapple / 12053 posts
@lizzywiz: wow, that's rude! i have a BFF that doesn't really have us over, but her place is kinda out of the way and she always is game to bring stuff over and hang out wherever, so it works. i don't take offense if i don't go over to someone's house, i just want to hang!
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
Nope. It wouldn't bother me. As long as you are hanging out at some point. Our old apt was small and felt cluttered, I hardly ever had people over unless they were visiting us and had no place to stay.
Now that I live in a house, I want everyone to come over. But, yeah, I can definitely be an awkward hostess. So I understand.
kiwi / 548 posts
I don't think not having people over is a big deal, but not ever initiating plans does start to wear on me.
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