i never know what to say. at first, i was wishy washy. yes. no, i miscarried previously. now i just say, yes, it's my first pregnancy. unless a doctor asks.
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If you are being asked by friends and family I think they typically ask about successful pregnancies, so in that case its your first. but if its a medical professional asking then you can give all the details. Thats my opinion anyway.
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I always felt weird about this too.
I generally just said "yeah, it's my first" unless it was somehow relevant... like when the wife of one of DH's friends wanted to reassure me that my morning sickness would get better (which, in fact, it did not with that pregnancy!) I think I said something like "yeah, I had an earlier pregnancy and I was really sick up until 12 weeks on the dot, and then suddenly felt better, so I'm hoping that will happen again!"
But generally, anyone that I would have told about the earlier loss already knew and didn't have to ask if it was our first. (And, um, even those who didn't know about the loss still knew that we didn't have any hidden children lying about the house) -
I agree with Mrs. Bells - they're generally referring to successful pregnancies. I had a super-early miscarriage a few years ago (at just under 5 weeks. While I would've kept and treasured the baby, it was a very fortunate miscarriage.) When I get pregnant with my husband, I'll say it's my first.
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I had a stillbirth, so I say that Wombat is my second. Moose will always be the older sibling.
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I'm not sure why, but I felt kind of differently about this depending on where I was in the second pregnancy. We lost the first around 13 weeks, so with the second pregnancy, I had this feeling of "I've done this before" for the whole first trimester, and that's when I felt weirdest about saying "Oh, it's my first." But somehow once I got past that 13 week mark, and everything was new, I didn't really hesitate to call it my first in the same way.
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@themcmom: i would consider stillbirth to be a pregnancy. unfortunately, i lost the baby at 13 weeks, but stopped growing at 9.
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Depends who I'm talking to. If it's for medical purposes, I say second. If it's a stranger asking, I say it's my first. Friends and family already know (or think they know) the answer, so they never really asked.
I feel like people don't really want to get that deep into it if they're asking, so I'd feel bad telling them my whole life story and depressing them.
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Depending who asks, I imagine that I'll reply that "This is our first, but we previously lost one at 10 weeks." We're ttc again now, and in the two week wait, so this is a good time to start thinking about this.
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Agree with most PPs. I will tell most people that it is our first but with medical professionals that it is my 2nd pregnancy.
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Ditto to what PP''s have said. I say it's my first, except to medical professionals. Practically speaking, though, all of our close family members and friends know that we had a miscarriage.
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I try to allude to what happened. I feel like miscarriage is such a dirty subject and I hate that. There's so many of us that have been through it and IRL it's never mentioned. When people ask me I say, "We're hoping this is our first take home baby". Most people understand what I'm saying.
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@junebugmama: Awww, I love "our first take home baby." Very sweet!
We haven't told anyone, but when we do, we'll probably say first. Except to my doctors.
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12 comments