Bees who have been the ones to initiate a separation/divorce, tell me how long it took for your partner to accept it.
I’m ready to walk away but DH is having an extremely difficult time accepting this. I’m trying to be empathetic and gentle with his feelings but it’s hard when I have experienced so much heart ache and disappointment over the years. Obviously I’ve had more time to consider this then he has since I’m the initiator, but I just want this to be over.
grapefruit / 4492 posts
No personal experience, but my desk mate at work is going through this. She asked him for the divorce in November/December ish, he doesn't think anything is wrong, she finally served him in January. She's living in the guestroom until she gets her apartment next week, and he still seems to think she'll wake up one morning and "come to her senses". 🤷♀️
I'm sorry you're dealing with this too, just stick to what's best for you.
pear / 1703 posts
@Portboston: so sorry mama, I know it’s been a long road. I initiated and he accepted it fully after a couple of months. We stayed living in the same house, not same bed, for nearly a year (for DD and to sell it).
I understand your feelings of wanting it to be over, it’s natural. It takes time especially when sorting out the Co-parenting crap. Be gentle with yourself and in a year or so you’re have your freedom and be in your new groove.
Have you served him with any official notice?
persimmon / 1281 posts
@Sams Mom: @Autumnmama79:
Thank you for the support. I appreciate it. We’ve been having issues for a long time, nothing serious but incompatibility issues. I’m tired of trying.
I haven’t done anything formal yet. He still feels like there is hope. We’re going to see our therapist tomorrow. I’m hoping she can help him see my side a little better. It’s hard to watch him be so sad but I keep telling myself I’ve been sad for years and I deserve to be happy now.
pear / 1703 posts
@Portboston: that painful in between is very trying. Hugs! 
Here’s to hoping the therapist will be able to show him the light on things a bit and cement it in that you are done and ready to move on.
What is the purpose of the appt? Is it to help move him toward the separation? Does he think it’s to save the marriage?
persimmon / 1281 posts
@Autumnmama79: he thinks there’s hope. He’s asking for me to give him until the end of summer to “prove himself” but I’m a week into my decision and I know there’s no going back. It’s like a switch flipped and I’m just done.
pomelo / 5084 posts
@Portboston: If you’re sure I’d just go ahead and rip off the bandaid. It’s not helping him to drag it out even though it may seem like it is. Confusion and limbo is worse. My two cents!!
persimmon / 1495 posts
Just wanted to send you good thoughts. My closest friend initiated her divorce several months ago. It took awhile for her husband to accept that she was done with the relationship. She had to go through a lot of difficult communication from him (texts, calls, etc) about how upset he was and whether she might change her mind. She was recently saying that she felt so relieved at first to have finally made the decision that she didn't feel as sad/upset at first as she might have been. At then she went into logistics/organization mode to keep everything together for her kids. And now that things are a little more settled and they are getting into a routine, she is having a harder time again because the reality is hitting her. She is still really certain it was the right decision though.
persimmon / 1281 posts
@wrkbrk: I’m sure. And I agree. I’m hoping I’ll be able to say it tomorrow in counseling. The guilt is hard to deal with.
@Chuckles: I think that’s probably exactly how i’ll feel. I haven’t been happy for a long time and although he’s tried hard (as have I) we’re just too different. I’m ready to be done.
persimmon / 1483 posts
@Portboston: I have friends going through a separation now, and although it’s terrible overall, I think ultimately one of the kindest things that the initiator has done is to be incredibly and consistently clear that it’s over for him. Super painful for his partner, no question, but mixed messages would be worse I think.
persimmon / 1281 posts
Thank you for the support ladies. This is insanely difficult.
Counseling went well this morning. It was super hard to see him so upset and I wasn’t able to straight out say that I’m done but I’m getting closer. And he know I’m definitely not “in”. I feel SO f-ing bad.
pear / 1703 posts
@Portboston: ugh. Sounds very painful. What part do you feel bad about?
persimmon / 1281 posts
@Autumnmama79: I feel bad that I’m the one causing him pain. I’ve had a lot of time to process and think about all of this since I’m the initiator and he’s just starting the process 
pear / 1703 posts
@Portboston: separation is incredibly painful. Life itself is full of pain. He is a grown up and hopefully one day he too will be in a better place. He deserves someone he’s more compatible with just as much as you do.
All that to say there are times that I have major regrets about ending mine. And that was (gasp!) 8 years ago.
pear / 1703 posts
@Portboston: I was initially. And for the first many years. It’s true what they say about the challenges of second marriages and making blended families work. I am still hopeful this current difficult season will not last forever. Life is a journey of ups and downs!
persimmon / 1082 posts
@Portboston: I wanted to just say I am sorry you and DH are going through a difficult time. My response isn’t the norm to other posters but I just wanted to share from experience that you should give yourself time before making a decision. The grass isn’t greener on the other side and no one is perfect. It doesn’t matter what relationships it will always have issues. It’s none of my business for the reasons but I just wanted to share that taking your time and even encouraging DH to go to counseling on his own may help. You mentioned he stated give him time to change- I’d give him time and really be patient and see if he’s trying. Again, I understand the pain, and heartache but also know that every relationship has its ups and downs and sometimes it takes time for a season to pass. Maybe even try to get away together and focus directly on the marriage helps a lot. Good luck!
persimmon / 1281 posts
@cake2017: thank you for a different perspective. I honestly think that’s why I’ve stayed as long as I have. I have a pretty comfortable life and I always believed him when he said he would try to change but at the end of the day, he is who he is and it’s just not meeting my needs.
ETA- these are needs that I can not get met outside of my marriage.
persimmon / 1281 posts
@Autumnmama79: I’m ok. This is hard. DH doesn’t want to accept my feelings and is asking for more time. I’m trying my best to hold firm on my boundaries. I’ve been keeping myself busy this week and thankfully have a lot of incredibly supportive women in my life.
Thank you for checking in, it means a lot!
ETA- I have no problem giving him time to work on himself but I’m confident my feelings are not going to change
pear / 1703 posts
@Portboston: Sorry you're still kind of stuck where you were, and without DH accepting things. Its a really tough holding pattern to be in. That quote is very fitting for your situation.
nectarine / 2964 posts
If you are really, really done.... can you maybe start to initiate the process of the divorce...? Maybe the first step is to move out, find a lawyer and so on. This will make it real for your soon to be ex? It is hard for him too if nothing much is changing physically.
And actually, being overly sensitive is not necessarily a good thing at this stage (if you are really done). It gives your DH a false hope that you are caving in when you are not, and it potentially would hurt him even more. Be sensitive yet stern, don't stop the process of the next steps. Best wishes to you both
nectarine / 2400 posts
@irene: yah I agree - If you’re really and truly done I would make sure he knows that - it’s not fair to “give him time” if you’re done 100%. He doesn’t really have to accept it. I would try to be as gentle as possible while being clear and doing what you need to do to move one
kiwi / 617 posts
I'm wondering about a separation, you or he moves out to see how it all goes? I understand you are completely ready to divorce, but instead of going right from marriage to divorce it might be a better transition to separate?
But I could also see that might cause DH to think there is hope, when there isn't.
anyways, keep us posted. We are here for you mama.
persimmon / 1281 posts
@irene: @gotkimchi: I agree. I need to be firm. It’s just hard and I feel a lot of guilt. I need to work through that so I can get through this. I know me continuing to live in the house doesn’t help the matter but we are not having sex or being affectionate at the moment (and haven’t been since this all started)
@jennlin821: I’ve thought about that, I think it’s a good option if I’m not 100%. Thank you
Another thing that complicates this...my mom and stepdad are on their way here and stay the whole summer
nectarine / 2400 posts
@Portboston: ooh yah parents here doesn’t help. Will they be understanding?
The basement apartment actually might be a great way for you guys to get some space, try the separation and would be very gentle for your kiddos
persimmon / 1281 posts
@gotkimchi: that’s exactly what I was thinking however, my parents will be here until September. So I’d have to remain upstairs on the main floor through then. It’s possible I can move into the toy room for the time being though.
persimmon / 1023 posts
A close friend at work went through separation about a year ago. It was due to infidelity with the partner, so not the same. They separated but stayed in the same house for quite a while. Working out the details of selling the home, cars, splitting debt, dividing possessions, and figuring out co-parenting took a really really long time. I know my friend was absolutely desperate to leave the home because it was incredibly hard to keep living with the partner with the kids. After a few months, my friend started staying with his parents part time and the spouse was living with the new boyfriend, kids stayed in the house. It was a huge pain in the butt, but it dis ease the transition for the kids. Once the house sold and they formally went to separate residences, things improved immensely and it’s like he has a new lease on life. All this to say is that if your mind is made up, I would put those things in motion to meet with lawyers, banks, etc to start the logistical part of it as soon as possible.
I know my friend basically had a nervous breakdown after finding out about the affair and really struggled with couples counselling and whether to stay together. I remember weeks of him wrestling with what to do and having some good times with his wife while they were still together and feeling guilty thinking they should work through it. In the end, he had to actually leave for a few days to kind of give the final message that he was done and there was no going back.
I think if you are 100% no matter what your DH does, you owe it to both of you to not drag it out any further. Also, do your parents know what’s going on?!? That seems like a super uncomfortable situation for you...sending you good thoughts to get through this however it ends up.
persimmon / 1281 posts
@muffinsmuffins: that makes sense. I agree.
My parents know, yes. Hopefully it won’t be too bad.
I actually hung out with a friend last night who is moving at the end of the month into a house with a basement apartment. She is going to talk to her husband about renting it out to me. That would be so awesome and I feel like it would make the transition much easier for me.
persimmon / 1281 posts
I was able to officially tell him today in therapy that I am done. It’s been hard to see him so hurt. He’s pretty angry right now but he said some things that give me hope that we’ll be able to coparent successfully. It’s going to be a difficult few months. No matter how confident I am that this is the right decision for me, it still blows
Thank you again for all your support.
pear / 1703 posts
@Portboston: milestones like these are the worst. Hopefully, it’s the start of one day getting to a better place.
persimmon / 1281 posts
@jennlin821: thank you for checking in! I’m starting to look for a place to live and we’re tip toeing into coparenting. He’s working through his anger. I finally feel like things are going to be ok.
pear / 1703 posts
@Portboston: a lot has happened for you in the past two weeks! Onward and upward mama.
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