My mom is planning my shower and she is sending evites with the registry info. She wants to send invites to out of town family members that we know won't be coming. Her logic is that it's a courtesy invite and a way to get then the registry info.
Is it just me or is this weird? It feels a little gift grabby to me. Thoughts?
nectarine / 2784 posts
I know what you mean, I feel a little weird about it too, but since it's her family I'd leave it up to her. There are people out there who would be miffed about not receiving an invite even if it's totally unfeasible for them to come to the party! Hopefully your mom knows the invitees well enough to not send one to someone who would be offended.
honeydew / 7622 posts
Eh, I opted to not send an invite to people I knew could not attend. If they feel like sending a gift when the birth announcement comes that is up to them, but a shower invite did not sit well with me. We did send one to Ms grandma who lives out of state that we knew was making a quilt.
kiwi / 541 posts
We always send my in-laws invitations to showers and bday parties. Even though we know they aren't coming. I also try to mail cards through the year with LO's picture. When I say in-laws I mean my DH's sister/family, aunts, uncles and grandparents. My husbands parents live here along with my family so of course they get invites.
pomelo / 5607 posts
My family has always sent invites to people who can't come. We wound up inviting 600 people to my wedding! Close friends and family accounted for maybe, *maybe* 100 of those. My family just believes in inviting everyone on the dang planet. So my mom definitely invited some family members to my shower that we knew couldn't/wouldn't come
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
@Torchwood: 600! Did you ever work up the budget in case folks surprised you decided to come? Did they all RSVP?
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
I don't think of any wedding or shower invite as a courtesy invite. On the surface I wouldn't immediately think I am getting invited just to buy a gift, but if I couldn't make it now for sure I am getting one because clearly my friend/family wanted me there. If your mom knows they want the registry info can't she just give it to them when she speaks to them over the phone or send it via email?
pomelo / 5607 posts
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: It wound up being a fairly simple wedding, just finger food and cake (and cupcakes!) at the reception. We just got more food than we thought we'd need, and we were right. Since it wasn't a huge expense like actual meals (and there was no alcohol), it didn't matter much. And my parents worked for their church at the time, and the... totally blanking on the word! The room where the preacher preaches on Sunday. Whatever it's called, it held over 1000 so there was no risk of there not being room. As it was, more people showed than I would have expected. The weirdest was my dad's Sunday School teachers (a married couple). I'd never even met them before (my dad insisted on us inviting his entire Sunday School class, pretty sure it was because they prayed for my heathen soul all the time), and it was a 3 hour drive!
pomegranate / 3658 posts
I think a shower is pretty different from a wedding, party, or other event since a shower exists completely for the purpose of gift-giving. So for that reason, it is IMO gift-grabby to send invites to people who have no way to attend. It's not like a wedding or party where you'd like to make the person feel included in the festivities. On the other hand, though, you can't control how your shower hostess plans the shower. The people hosting my shower invited some people who were not on the list I gave them, and I was a little embarrassed about it since it could come across as gift-grabby, but there's not much you can do. You can only control so much (not much at all) when someone else is nice enough to host a party for you.
pear / 1750 posts
Hmm, looks like some split opinions here. For the record, it's not just her family, it's my MIL, SIL, and my brothers fiancé.
grapefruit / 4712 posts
Dh's family love all over. We always send and invite to them for anything. They like to be included even if they can't attend. My extended family is the same way. I guess what I am getting at is its normal in our circles.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
@PawPrints: I agree with you. We didn't invite my relatives to my shower who we KNEW wouldn't be able to come. I feel like that's just saying "Hey, send me a gift!" And the out-of-state relatives we did invite, we spoke to ahead of time to see if they'd be able to come before sending them an invitation.
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
I opted not to send invites to people who live out of town. to me it seems gift grabby. They'll know you're pregnant and if they want to send a gift they'll send something irregardless.
persimmon / 1188 posts
I think it would be nice to send to out of state family you are pretty close with. I know my mom and mother in law invited my out of state aunts and cousins. One of my cousins actually came from 8 hours away and I was very touched. It's a chance for them to not only see you at an exciting time but to see other family too.
pomegranate / 3768 posts
I agree with your mom! I think family members you are close to should get a courtesy invite whether they can make it or not.
pear / 1503 posts
@Macintosh: are these family members that you are particularly close to? I ask because we have a really big family spread across the country (I have 18 first cousins on each side of the family!), and I'm not particularly close to a lot of them. If I received an invite for a shower for one of them or vice versa, they did for me, I'm pretty sure we'd both thing it was a little gift grabby. Now if it was for a cousin that I was really close to, I'd hope to get the invite, so that I could send a gift, even though I might not be able to attend. Of course, I'd also be okay with asking for registry info in that case.
pomegranate / 3565 posts
A friend once told me it's nice to be invited to the party even if you can't make it. I agree. I would expect an invitation from a family member even if it was out of town. The whole purpose of a shower is for gifts. People know and expect it.
nectarine / 2220 posts
My rule of thumb when it comes to "courtesy invites" is if you would legitimately be thrilled if they made it, invite them. I think for family especially, it's always nice to be invited. We had a few long distance relatives that surprised us by showing up at our events - think that random cousin that adds a couple dys onto a business trip to be around for my baby shower since she had the invite.
I think the gift grabby-ness comes into play when you're inviting like.... your ex-coworkers, husband's cousin that you met at a party five years ago. Not for family.
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
@dolphin: how does a guest know it's a "courtesy" invite? Meaning the host is not expecting them to do anything come or send a gift. Does the host call them before to givd them a heads up and say "I know you can't make it, but I just wanted you to know we were thinking of you."? Would courtesy invites leave out registry info? Obviously people can Google names to find registries if they really wanted to send a registry gift.
@Mamasig: what if your family member didn't have a shower- just the baby- would you send a gift?
I guess I struggle with this a bit because our true friends & close family live 4 hour car rides away or plane rides away. When I get invites to housewarmings, showers, bday partues and weddings- all traditional events that you don't come empty-handed I really believe my friends/ family want to see me. We don't get together often throughout a year, so a milestone for them is as good as any excuse to physicaly show up & support. They can just as easily tell me these things in their lives and I can root for them from afar. I don't need an invite to feel included in their lives. An invite without a real desire for me to show up in the flesh feels manipulative.
pomegranate / 3565 posts
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: if it was a close or even semi close family member I would.
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
I would invite them. Even though they can't come, I think it is a nice gesture so they know you wish they could come.
pomegranate / 3872 posts
I think for family it's normal and expected for them to be invited. Mine would have been hurt if we didn't invite them and fwiw a few drove together and made the 8+ hour trip and cane down for the weekend to attend my shower.
kiwi / 673 posts
I'm always the out-of-town invite that probably won't be able to make it. I'm always a bit hurt when I don't at least get invited to things and then see pictures on social media later. So my vote is to invite.
bananas / 9357 posts
For my showers we always sent an invite to family out of town. It feels gift grabby to me too but we didn't want them to feel left out. We sent them to grandparents and aunts out of town. My aunt who is about 6 hour drive away surprised us and came for my baby shower! So you never know sometimes.
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