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Not going to lie, that would drive me crazy and I wouldn't be able to stand it. My in-laws had a similar pattern where fil would work late and never communicate clearly when he would be home, and expected mil to take care of the kids and make dinner, but also expected her to wait and eat with him. There were times we were visiting when she'd literally fall asleep waiting for him and then he'd come home and yell at her to wake up and cook, even though we (dh, me, lo1) had eaten hours before. So incredibly disrespectful. and so my reading of your description is influenced by that. At the very, very least, he shouldn't be yelling at you for merely checking in with him. He needs to clearly communicate when he's coming home, and if he needs to work late, he needs to a) appreciate and recognize that you're solo-parenting--just freaking say thank you b) pick up the slack during other times when he is available. like, if he works late on weeknights then you sleep in on weekends, or take over morning prep.

Oh hell no. Agree with PP. You need to have a convo with him about this kind of behavior/treatment. I am the one with looong hours and if I acted like this to DW one time, you better believe I would be hearing about it (and changing it)!!

@Ajsmommy: I can commiserate. I’ve spoke to my dH about this a lot. He is always apologetic about it. I recognize that for him, he really has to focus to get into “deep work” and looses track of time/ doesn’t notice his phone. He has gotten better, but it’s definitely something we both have to give a bit on for both sides. For me, I always felt like half of my brain is always thinking about him/ the kids, so it’s hard that sometimes he can totally disconnect his brain from us when I can’t. We regularly have to have conversations about our priorities as a family and sometimes I have to gently remind him that how he is behaving isn’t aligned with the priorities he claims to have. If I can message it gently, he is receptive, as long as it doesn’t feel like an attack.

Hey, it happens... sometimes DH will do this, sometimes I will. My own pet peeve is when I'm working late and will call home to see if he's handling things OK, and I'll be calling and texting from 6 pm to 9 pm, imagining all sorts of things, and then on the train home I get a text like "my phone was dead". Come onnnn, you were home with a charger, there was no need to make me regret every minute of staying out late!!!! But I guess that's my problem, not his, he just doesn't worry as much as I do and he doesn't get how much I freak out when I can't reach him.

The thing with coming second a lot... that's a legit problem. What happens when you have some commitment and need him to watch the kids? Do you get time to yourself that's not work?

He absolutely 100% should not have yelled at you. Communication is really important and he needs to make that a priority (even if it's just a text saying "busy talk later").

However, just offering alternative perspective on one piece: some people place a huge amount of value in their ability to provide for their families. Like, "I am not being a good partner or parent if I am not making X amount / have X title / am not the "best" at my job in order to provide XYZ quality of life." Again, that is NO excuse to be mean, curt, snippy, demeaning, or any other negative thing. Just offering that him "putting his job first" could be his way of serving your family.***

**Your mileage may vary, you know your husband way better than any internet stranger, and this would also drive me INSANE.

@Ajsmommy: sorry being busy is not an excuse to treat you poorly. A phone call is easily silenced, it's not like you walked in and interrupted him. He even had time to consider his actions before calling back, and still yelled. I absolutely do not know your situation but just all of that would rub me the wrong way

Eta it would bother me even more if he was defending the yelling after you brought it up because he's busy and makes a lot of money

I agree with @muffinsmuffins. Have an established code of what type of contact means. We have critical phone calls, slack/text anything else. If they don't pick up, try one more time and give up.

I would also establish working hour boundaries. Sounds like he works all the time. He needs to view you and the family as 'work' and put it in his schedule. Whether this means turning the phone off when he gets home, or setting it aside for a solid hour reliably every night, you need to be able to rely on him just as much if not more than his company relies on him.

Agree with all the pp’s about the attitude with you so won’t address that, but wanted to recommend Find My Friends (its on iPhone, I don’t know if it’s in other phones, but it’s just a tracking device). I know a lot of people think it’s creepy and I don’t disagree, but my husband and I use since having kids (only for each other) it and it is 1000x easier than constantly texting to get their whereabouts. It saves us from asking each other SO many little logistical questions—like I can see what train he’s taking home without having to ask, or he can not bother calling me to get one more thing from the store because he knows I already left, etc. maybe it would help you?

I am a person who frequently leaves my phone untouched in my bag for entire evenings or hours at a time and get annoyed at the expectation that we are always available at any time for anything, but when you have kids, you can only unplug when you’re with them. Work has to accommodate that you could be needed at any time for them.

@Ajsmommy: I’m so sorry he treated you that way! And I’m sorry to the other mamas who said they have this dynamic at home.

I wondered if you have ever explicitly talked about how you feel his job taking precedent over the rest of life because he makes more. I wonder what that conversation goes like. Does he have empathy? Some people (and sorry, but it tends to be the men in my life) just don’t get it until it’s spelled out.

So full disclosure: I do have some parallels with your DH. I make about 2x of what my DH makes. There are sore points all around this topic for us and I know that it bothers him that I make so much more. I also sometimes forget to return a text or miss a call because I forget my phone on mute. Since having DS, I’m much better but not perfect and daycare emails and tries my office line when it’s urgent. But on the other hand, I feel snippier when I get too much in my plate. By virtue of my schedule, I arrive just in time for dinner. I have events and work travel several times a month. And I get very focused and lose track of time when I’m in that mode. But there are so many contributing factors that make our situation difficult. I can’t even get into that here, but it seems to stem from gender bias, our specific circumstances, and personality and temperament differences. For example, DH starts very early and is on his way home right in the middle of the afternoon which is the busiest part of my day. He usually is chatty at that time of day and I need to make it a quick hello only. Then he might call or text me 3-4 more times after that, usually about things that can wait. He also calls about when I’ll be home. I respond immediately as soon as I’m aware that he’s texted or called, but if am leading a meeting, I’ll make sure it’s not an emergency and will respond after the meeting. I get pushback for not just dropping everything each time the phone bleeps which I don’t think is realistic. I work a lot but I’m out of the house the same amount of time as him since I have a short commute...and I work at night only once everyone is in bed. I don’t email or text in front of DS. Generally if I’m working at home, no one is meant to see it by my design. So anyway, I guess my point is that I think there is a way to have your demanding job and work it around your family, but it does require give and take and negotiation about expectations (and hey, that IPhone tool!) to make things go more smoothly.

I agree with the pps' comments (it would have really upset me to be yelled at like that!) and wanted to throw out that you might check out a book/audio series called Crucial Conversations. My DH took a seminar on it and it totally changed his communication habits for the better. He wasn't a bad communicator before by any means, but I've been impressed with how he handles disagreements since studying it. I didn't read it but he talked about what they learned each day, and though I remember I didn't agree with everything, it's impacted our marriage for the better. The overall approach is to help people navigate important conversations and communicate effectively during heated convos. Not sure if you're interested or if your spouse would even consider it, but I thought I'd mention it.